Month: October 2011

I’m just tired.

When I have days off like today I find myself sleeping all day. My body just says, “rest”. I have a lot to do. I could be doing research, I could be planning my next initiative but my body says REST and I listen because I need to.

I’m just tired.

All the time. And I’m kinda feeling like my efforts are going in vain. I make BIG plans, BIG ONES to help change the world. When I decide to do something it’s not on a small scale yet, nothing ever comes of it. I’m laying a foundation, yes, I know, yet, I’m just tired.

Being a server takes so much out of me physically. Constantly caring for others at work, sincerely, and then coming home and trying to care for others through my creative work too.

Now do you see why I just wish I had one person to care for me?

It doesn’t matter, I care for myself pretty well. I just wish that something I do could actually work, but you know what, it’s fun to try new things and different ways to try to give.

I’m not afraid of failure, I know it well. I’m just ready for a new experience.

I am a pretty good server. No, I don’t always get everything right. No, I can’t make the food come out fast. Yes, I drop plates sometimes.

The reason why I make such good tips is the fact that I do things differently from most servers. Here are my secrets to being a good server.

1) I love being a server. When you love what you do, it rarely feels like work. I love meeting new people and being a part of their lives for the 35 minutes that they are at my table. I consider it an honor that they would have me as a part of their life, even for just a moment.

2) I greet them promptly when they are at the door. When someone walks in, I drop whatever I’m doing to make sure to greet them with a sincere smile and welcome them. When they sit down I introduce myself and I tell them that my mission is to ensure that they have an awesome meal. I also tell them that I PROMISE that they are going to walk out of the restaurant smiling.

3) I’m not serving a meal, I’m offering them an experience with me. During this experience I am humble and I am attentive. I am not chatty. I don’t offer up personal stories about my life. This experience is about the customer being catered to. My goal is to create an experience that they will smile about later as they are going to sleep and I hope that they will compare every server they have after me to ME.

4) I give them what they don’t get at home. In order to be an excellent server, you have to realize that people come out so they’ll have a different experience than they do at home. At home people complain, they don’t smile. They don’t say thank you. They don’t receive encouragement or praise for who they are. I offer them all of this at once and most of my customers leave BEAMING because I acknowledged them in a good way. I celebrate them. When does anyone get celebrated in life? I acknowledge their good looks or their love or their ability to hold them family together. SOMETHING is good about them that no one points out- I do. Oh yeah, when I do, I am being sincere. Sincerity is important.

5) I fall in love with them. Yes, I fall in love with each and every customer. I look them in the eye and smile sincerely and they KNOW i really care about their meal and who they are as a person. My energy is evident and they FEEL it- every single time.

6) I put on a show. Most people are so tired from working that they can not make it out to be entertained. No one ever gets a personal performance in their homes so when they sit at my table, I turn on my theatrics and I go a little over the top- sometimes playing the role of a super humble servant bowing to the floor, or being an actress and announcing the arrival of their food with a song or even just doing a little thank you dance.

7) I am as pretty as I can be. I saved this for last because most waitresses don’t get this part. Studies have shown that attractive people tend to get more out of life merely because people like looking at them. Each time I go to work, I make sure I look as pretty as I can and I smell good. I wear a full face of makeup, highlighting my best features and I SMILE, sincerely, because I really am glad they came and I want them to come back.

I just had my very first phone mentoring session. It’s a service of my website that I offer because I sure do wish I had someone to listen to my goals and discuss strategy and give intelligent feedback.

First of all, I missed our appointment because I was sleeping. I am always so tired. But when I called her back she still had time and I was so nervous because I want to be helpful but I don’t know everything.

My main focus was to LISTEN. Sometimes all it takes is to be HEARD for a person to get their motivation to continue their work. I listened intently, allowing her to express her goals and concerns and then I gave feedback based on what I would do and she gave me feedback too. Then I gave her advice on the most important things she needed to legitimize her project. I offered an empathetic ear and I really did understand her on most levels because I too, am trying to lay the foundation for my business and I’m doing it all alone.

By the end of the conversation I gave her a few objectives to complete and she was happy that we spoke. Now I have to create a survey to send to her so that I can receive feedback on my mentoring service to help improve it but also to use in marketing this service.

I’m tired though. LOL

I think it went well. I can’t imagine how many of these I will have to do per week once things start rolling for me, but I’m willing to be the kind of support that I wish I had.

I’m starting to get it now.

People are just, hurting and fearful and don’t believe that there is enough abundance to go around. No one has taught them that they don’t have to sabotage others to get what they want in life. They don’t understand that applauding the efforts of others will eventually lead to their peace of mind in life.

After dealing with my co worker the other night, something clicked. I tend to believe the best in people, allowing them to take advantage of me because I trust that they don’t have any bad motives. They must turn away and laugh at me like, “Look at this fool, she’s so stupid.”

I do fall for it. But then one day it clicks. Now this particular chick loves to ask me to take her turn when we’re in rotation at work. You know, when customers come in the door we take turns taking the tables but for some reason, when it’s a black family or person, she’ll come to me and say “I have to go pee can you take this table?” or “Go ahead and take it, I’m tired.” She has done this numerous times and usually I wonder why she’s adjusting the rotation but I’m easy going so I just go with the flow.

but the other night, when she did it and I realized after the table left me no tip- that she was actually pushing the tables on me that she thought wouldn’t tip her. Wow. So make sure I don’t make any money? Wow.

But then, I thought to myself, maybe she doesn’t have faith in her ability to give them such good service that they tip her anyway. As a waitress, you have to take the good with the bad. It’s a gamble everytime you show up to work but intentionally trying to sabotage someone else for your benefit- well, I’ve learned that most people are like that.

That’s how people are. No one is 100% good, not even me. I’m not saint. I mess up. I never try to hurt others for my benefit though. In fact, I’d rather see you succeed before me because I know how to survive and thrive through any loss and the things I’ve been through would break a person’s spirit completely so I’d never want you to go through that shit.

Man. Most people are competitive. Most people are insincere. Most people want to find things about you so that they can use it to hurt you later. Most people are afraid that you are having a better life than they are so they take their anger out on you and try to put you down so that you’ll feel like them.

I don’t know how I can affect this woman’s behavior besides calling her out on it, which I did. I said, “So you gave me that table cuz you knew they wouldn’t tip?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Ok,” I said and walked away.

She came back and said, “I would never do that, Tee.”

“Yeah right,” I said. I had to. Then she got super emotional and loud and rude. This was a clear indication that she was guilty. If you did nothing wrong, you have no reason to defend yourself. It doesn’t mean she’s a bad person, it just means she is afraid that she can’t prosper the right way.

I believed that at one point but I’ll never do it again, not on purpose. I still haven’t forgiven myself for that indiscretion that happened a few years ago. No one knows except my sister and one of my good friends. I still feel guilty.

I just know that, no matter the day, no matter the shift, no matter the place of employment or my relationship status I’ll be okay.

after talking to my friend about my recent blessing of a huge tip and the fact that another server told me that she had never gotten a big tip like that in all her years of serving my heart went out to her and I felt bad. I wanted to send someone over there to give her a big tip too but I’m trying to save for a car and the amount of money I wanted to give her would set me back, so I stalled.

My friend told me, “Tee. You have no one to help you financially. Your blessings have to come some way. Other people have families they can depend on, husbands and boyfriends to help them when they are in need. You don’t have any of that. You don’t have anyone. Your blessings have to come like this, don’t feel bad.”

She’s right.

I don’t know. I just want people to feel secure enough in themselves not to feel like life is a competition and try to hurt others to prosper. When I mentor women or reply to emails I don’t hold back. I don’t try to keep my secrets to success to myself. I tell women the real deal and I volunteer to help them to prosper by giving away my hard earned secrets and volunteering my time.

No one does that shit.

I feel like a fool sometimes but I still do it, just because I feel like that’s what I was born to do. Maybe this is holding ME back. Maybe I’ll never prosper because I keep giving all my shit away.

I don’t know. It sure feels good to know that I don’t think any woman could outdo me and I am not in competition with anyone.

Makes me feel free.

I am so freaking excited right now!

OMG!

Listen. I figured out a way to eliminate more stress from my life. See, remember the Older Man I met and how upset I’ve been over how he’s NOT treating me?

I want him to take me out.
I want him to spend time with me.
I want intelligent conversation.
I want him to share wisdom.
I want him to teach me new things and show me new places.

But he won’t.

So this has been making me angry and frustrated and upset.

But then I realized that he is there for me when I need him. There has never been a time that I call him and NEED help that he doesn’t appear. So maybe I Should just, be grateful for that and relax.

I mean, I can’t make him play a role he doesn’t want to play. I don’t do that. I’m never who someone else wants me to be, I only play the role I want to play.

So, I can appreciate him for being there when I need him and only call him when I need something. That’s what he wants to be in my life, he doesn’t want anything else and that is OKAY.

Someone else will want to be friends with me one day.

Someone else will want to make money with me one day.

Someone else will want to lay around and talk about nothing with me one day.

He doesn’t have to do any of that. He’s already given what he can give and I appreciate it.

Less stress. More love.

I FEEL FREE!

My bed is a virgin. Ain’t no sex going on over here. ~sigh~

So it’s going into my 3rd month in this place and no prospects for a sexual encounter. I don’t think about it much until I’m PMS’ing and then I feel the BEAST rise up inside of me but there’s nothing I can do about it. Actually, my last apartment had a virgin bed too. For the entire time I lived there I had secks ONCE and I didn’t even allow that man to ever come inside my house because he didn’t deserve it.

You might look at me and think I’m slutty because I’m so open minded about secks and whatnot but the truth is I go for extremely long periods without it. In the past, it’s just that, when I need it, I just go pick somebody. So, no, I’ve never made love or had passionate secks with someone who cared for me. I’m a virgin to all of that.

Me and my virgin bed.

It’s always interesting to try to think about when my next sexual encounter will be. It could be next week or next year. It’s probably going to be with someone I haven’t met yet. I wonder what he’ll be like. I know it’s gonna be a ‘HE’ cuz I never meet girls who like girls anymore and I don’t like touching girls that I don’t care about. Casual secks with women is a no-no.

Anyway. It would be nice to meet someone who wants to be my friend, listen to me talk and bring me food. After a little while of that, then if I want to touch him, I’ll invite him into my bedroom (only if my roommates aren’t home) and we’ll cuddle and then I’ll JUMP HIS BONES!

For real!

I wonder what’s going to happen with that and how long before it occurs.

Hmmm….

I’m beginning to think that others are taking offense to my “nothing matters” stance. It’s not like I’m trying to convince you not to have passion and emotion about life, it’s just FOR ME, none of that really matters.

In thinking about the death of Will, a poet who was murdered earlier this year, I can’t stop the images from playing in my head. Me and him standing outside of his poetry spot. Me and him riding up 95 North together. Me watching him perform. Sharing a cigarette with him. He didn’t like me much but I didn’t care, I was still nice to him anyway.

But now- he just- exists only in my memory. His image is very real. When he crosses my mind I can almost smell his cigarettes or the cologne he used to wear. I can feel the way he felt when I hugged him. He is still real to me, in my mind, yet, he’s not here anymore.

When I cease to exist on this plane, maybe people will remember that I helped them in some way or made them laugh or encouraged them and maybe some people will cry. But really, that’s such a shame because while I’m here I know that I’m not on anyone’s priority list of people. I’m on many people’s “I hate her” list, but on no one’s “I can’t live without her” list.

Well, except for my sons. Through my sons, I feel like there is a demand for me on this earth. I don’t feel a need to be demanded by many, just to have someone here think of me and want to see me and interact with me. My boys do that for me.

I’m not sad about this at all. It’s like me and the universe have an understanding. When you know you matter to no one, you don’t take shit personally. Everyone is transparent and all of their words and actions that I could take personally- I don’t. That’s because to them, I’m a ghost and a future memory and they’re a future memory for me too.

Nothing is permanent. None of my friends are permanent. As much as Sylvia and I speak right now, in a few days or weeks, she could decide she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me and we could stop speaking. Nothing matters. No one matters. I matter to no one. Everything is temporary.

I try to make strides in helping people to achieve their passions but it doesn’t sting when no one supports my vision because- well- I know I don’t matter. I try to do big things and I’m not afraid because if no one sees things my way it’s not my fault it’s just that- I don’t matter to anyone anyway.

This is all one big game. We’re all taught to value things that don’t really matter but if we don’t then our lives have no meaning. I see through the veil. I know that none of this matters.

If I lose my job, they’ll find someone to cover my shift easily. I don’t matter.

If I move out of this house, they’ll find another roommate. I don’t matter.

If I were to die, my Mama- has another daughter. It’s not that serious.

But- my sons only have one Mom.

So it’s for them that I try to take life a little seriously. If they did not exist- OH BOY- I would be so loose living in a foreign country somewhere in a tribe.

I picture myself going through the ages and stages of life, walking and aging, walking and aging- alone.

My face is smiling, interested, marveling at the changes that are occurring around me, yet detached from allowing any of it to define me.

I am nothing. I get that. I mean nothing to no one, except for my sons. I accept that.

Life goes on. People smile. People procreate. People argue and be mean to each other. People manipulate and try to claw their way to the top thinking that hurting each other is the only way to prosper then on their deathbeds they cry because they realize- I didn’t have to hurt so many people, it didn’t really matter.

it’s a cycle.

Everyone does it.

I don’t wanna participate in it but I have to while I walk through this experience.

So I’ll keep walking and smiling, marveling at the sights around me, waiting for the time when my ride ends and I truly become that which I am really- nothing.

Hollup!

I hope you’re not over there praying and fasting for my sanity.

The truth is- I am a DRAMA QUEEN! This means that whatever I do, I do it to the HILT! I put extra emotion and energy into and I’m extremely obsessive so whether it’s a new toy, social network, philosophy or boyfriend when I’m into it I’m WAYYYY into it- until I get bored and I find something else to obsess over.

Right now I’m still recovering from that traumatic project where I became homeless.on.purpose- that shit REALLY messed my head up being around so many people who had given up on everything and it made me realize that even if you give up on everything you can still have random moments of pleasure and happiness.

That’s where I am now. I’m not giving up on everything but nothing is THAT important for me to be miserable over so I take things extremely lightly including the concepts of death, abandonment and possibly walking this entire life journey as a single woman.

None of these concepts seems as devastating as they once did and it feels good to have embraced what good might come from the fear that used to devastate my heart the most.

I’m okay. Next week I might discover a new philosophy and dive into trying it out or not. Who knows? Whatever it is, I’ll be writing about it as though I am living the ultimate truth even though I don’t BELIEVE in an ultimate truth. As an existentialist, I am pretty certain that we all decide our truths and I’ll keep sampling different versions of truth until I find one that brings me the most joy!

So right now ~bowing to the floor~ I AM NOTHING.

Nothing matters.

Death is imminent and should not be feared.

Life is a series of ups and downs and you can’t be TOO SMUG during the ups or too sad during the downs because eventually, something will change.

Cheers!

I hope I can get this out the right way because I don’t really know how I feel about it but, this whole 99% thing, I mean, well, I..

Look at it like this-

Convo on gchat

My homegirl: Hey Tee!
Me: Hey chick!
Me: Hey! Are you part of the 99%
My homegirl: 99% of what? 99% of WINNERS!
Me: Exactly

Like, I feel like I’m torn between being sympathetic and being like, no one is holding you down why are you protesting?

Like, I’m looking at ALL the people I know that I went to college with and no one is struggling to pay bills. Everyone owns their own homes. Everyone is going on trips, shopping, going for even more advanced degrees and living lovely and none of my friends are with the protesting idea because they believe that hard work pays off.

But then again, I know what it’s like to go without insurance and I haven’t been to the dentist in forever but that’s because I CHOOSE not to be like my friends and not go work in some office and make 50 or better a year, which I HAVE done before but I didn’t like it. So, it’s my fault I’m in this poverty situation and that’s because I CHOOSE to do this type of work.

Does that make any sense?

I don’t know if I make any sense to myself but it’s just making me feel bad that I’m not on the woe is me tip like everyone else but I really think that there are opportunities out there. I mean, for real. I bet if I could stomache the corporate environment I could be doing EXTREMELY well right now but I just don’t like that environment.

So I’m surrounded by the lower working class people and it bothers me that I CHOOSE to be in this environment of people who resent me because I do well in this low paying career when I could be being resented for lots more money somewhere else but I CHOOSE to be here because I like it.

It’s just like when I became homeless and the homeless people were mad at me because they felt I was making fun of them when I was like, “Regardless of what you think, I’m in this with you. Let’s get up together.”

But nobody had the capacity to stand up with me even though I tried to pull them.

In fact, the day I was leaving, the one woman who was considered the wisest woman at the shelter came to me and said, “Don’t let your pride keep you from coming back here.”

Coming back?!!!

What the hell?

Dude, I’m never even VISITING that place again? Are you serious?!

Dude, like, I’ll do what I have to do to NEVER end up in that place again. For real? Was she serious. That is not an option for my life.

I don’t know what to do. I want to be financially where my friends are but without having to want to kill myself over the social structure of corporate America yet I can’t stay in this social class because I can’t talk to anyone about the shit I’m into and no one understands my mentality or vision so I’m alienated.

Geesh! I feel like I sound like an elitist and I’m not- I don’t even have a car.

I’m not. I just am caught in between two worlds. I really like serving, I do, but I want to be where the people are who want to celebrate your success and expect you to rise with them and will look at you like, “What the hell are you doing?” if you do not raise your bar every so often.

I don’t know how to feel right now.

Whew!

I made it through the day. Got some really GREAT news early in the day that one of my proposals had been accepted and then I spent the remainder of the early afternoon putting the next phase of my plan into action and so far, it looks like I’m good.

I am so grateful!

Then I got a message from one of the women I met on G+, she invited me to join a BrainTrust which is basically a gathering of the minds for the specific benefit of the person organizing it. You start one, people join to share ideas and resources for your project and you volunteer on others.

I was JUST -whining- talking to Sylvia about that this morning. I was all, “I am so tired of not knowing anybody who can help sharpen my ideas. I need people to TALK to who won’t look at me like I’m crazy when I say I’m organizing this effort on an international level or who won’t say ‘You’re not Jesus’ when I tell them my plans. I just wanna meet some smart people who know they can change things if they try. I’m so conflicted. I need a change of environment.”

She was like, “You’re whining, no I didn’t mean to say that, I mean, basically what you want are friends who can contribute to what you’re trying to do.”

YES!

I realize that during my project, it could have been a lot better had I had other people helping me. Me, with my anti social, stank ass don’t ever reach out and ask for help until it’s too late because I hate depending/waiting on people. There’s too many excuses why they can’t act now. I don’t wait- I DO and figure it out while I’m doing it. Nothing ever happens according to plans and once I accepted that, I plan loosely but I’m open to surprises.

To pull of this next effort and make it become what I want to become I’m going to need HELP. I’m going to have to go MEET people and talk to them even though my heart hurts just thinking about it. I met with so much resistance and anger during my project from people in my community who wouldn’t support me and talked shit about my efforts all because it didn’t benefit them in any way or they didn’t like my take charge personality.

I won’t beg anyone for anything. I ask. That’s it. If you say NO, I move on and figure out how to get it another way. I do nothing that will not benefit everyone involved. If I’m making a move and I invite you to join me better believe you’re coming out of this with something good too. That’s how I show my appreciation but anyway, I hope this goes better than my last effort because so many women will be helped and I can’t wait to see their faces and give them hugs.

Sisters? Friends? Connections? Where are you? What am I doing wrong not to be able to find you?

Work. Work. Work. I am exhausted yet I am so glad my plans are coming together. I a so grateful.