Month: October 2011

Tonight was such an awesome night at work.

I was scheduled to go in at 8 but I got a text from my manager telling me not to come in until 11 so I rolled over and went back to sleep. Then I woke up at 10pm, stretched, showered, got dressed and called the taxi. I was there early so I had a small salad and a skewer of grilled shrimp.

Then it was time to start taking tables. I flowed with my first couple of tables, deciding that tonight I wouldn’t put in too much effort and see what happens. I was banking 2 hours later and when I looked up and noticed that the other server had 3 tables when I had none, I decided a take a break.

When I got back from my break, I was bored. No one was coming in so I sat down and sketched out a few ideas waiting for customers. Then we slowed down to a halt and the other server and the manager left. This must be when the magic started.

I don’t know what happened but my tables were LOVING me. It was a slow pace, one in, one out, sometimes the restaurant was empty. But by the time the morning crew came in, I checked my pockets and realized that I had made $95 and we were almost dead.

It had to be God or something because it was so empty but really, I know it was me. I make love to my tables, nice and slow. When I’m through with them, they smile like they have just finished receiving a full body massage. I dare you to sit at my table and not walk away smiling and feeling good about life.

No, I don’t lecture you, but I send out so much love energy that you would think we were falling in love. And THEN- to take the cake, one of my favorite tables came in. It’s this dude with this one chick and they bring friends. This dude is so damn cute! He’s gay but I don’t care. He has the most beautiful smile and he makes me LAUGH and LAUGH. He says he’s from Belle Glades and drives down to hang out with his friends. They are always fighting over who’s gonna pay the bill but they always leave me a HUGE tip. I LOVE THEM!

This kind of night reminds me why I love serving. It’s that smooth, easy give and take with my customers. That servant attitude that I have that melts hearts and wins them over.

I look them right in the eye send them love energy and serve them with class. “What can I do to make you smile?” I asked one table who walked in looking as though they were defeated.

“We had a rough incident just now,” one woman explained.

“Well, let me make you feel better by taking good care of you,” I said. By the time they left, they were grinning and thanking me for my service.

“What are you doing working here?” I’m asked that all the time. For some reason no matter where I’m working, the customers I serve all tell me I’m too good to be there.

They said the same thing when I was at Red Lobster, but this restaurant is where I love because I love the type of people that come in here. They’re hungry. They’re sad. They’re not expecting good service and I WOW them with my style and my spirit and they LOVE IT.

I love it too. I love making love to my customers, even when it’s just the way I place the plate on the table or the way I show concern for who they are.

This was a good night.

I wish every night was just like this.

I remember reading an article about the organizers of some concert. They said they made up a list of things they needed to take care of and went down that list everyday tackling whatever they could until the list only had one thing left. They named this list in honor of Jay Z’s song: 99 Problems.

I liked that concept but my only problem is, if I wrote a list, I’d probably lose it. I am so unorganized. Organization is the key in my mind but I have so many creative ideas that I can’t keep track of all of them. I need to come up with a system somehow.

I need an assistant.

Anyway, I decided to make it a priority to create more products to sell online. I am absolutely amazed that ebooks I’ve written years ago are now selling and everytime I get a deposit into my account I’m like “Dang I don’t even remember what I wrote in that eBook. I hope they enjoyed it.”

More books equal more passive income and I need to make that a priority except, since I’m working, I’m either sleeping or thinking about sleeping in between creative bursts. I think I need an office space so that when I’m there I am completely dedicated to working. I remember when I worked in a creative job in an office I could work 12 hours straight just sitting there but that’s because I wasn’t in a cozy bed in my underwear.

I feel good today. But that’s because I just woke up from my first nap of the day. After I come home from working the overnight shift at the restaurant I usually sleep for about 4 hours and then wake up and work on my projects or masturbate, whichever seems most pressing at the time. Then I go to sleep again around 4 or so to wake up and go back to work.

Tonight I’m off which means I can use this evening as a ZERO HOUR night which is basically how I write my ebooks. It takes me like 8 hours to write one book but that is after I have already outlined it. After the book is outlined, I stay up all night filling in the outline, just free flowing with my writing and then 8 hours later, I polish it, design a book cover and put it up for sale. I’m not sure if I can do that tonight because I don’t even have an idea for my next book yet, let alone an outline.

But I still need to work on my outline for my next video series. In this series I’m talking about being single for 10 years and what it has taught me. I decided that I’m going to use this topic to promote my print book so it won’t be a My.Savvy.Sisters production.

Where do I begin? How creative can I get with this? Maybe I can use this as a catalyst for future performances somehow. Like, the other day when I was with the Older Man, he put on a CD of the woman who wrote For Colored Girls. At first I was delighted by the way she performed the aching of her heart and then I was annoyed.

Why the hell do we women always have to exploit our pain? We’re hurting. I’m hurting. She’s hurting. It’s okay. But WHY are we hurting? We’re hurting because we place too much expectations on others and ourselves? We’re hurting because we EXPECT that life is “supposed” to be a certain way. We’re hurting because we have a FANTASY about how others are supposed to treat us and interact with us.

We’re hurting. Yeah, I get that. But damn, a whole PLAY about it? Like do I really want to sit there and delve deeper into the pain of some other woman for entertainment? Yeah right. For what? I got my own pain to deal with.

I want to create something different. I don’t want every sad faced woman with baggage walking up to me singing Killing Me Softly.

Damn. We keep making songs about the PAIN of relationships and the disasters we face with men and guess what- it becomes more acceptable to be in bullshit relationships because, “Brandy wrote a song about it so it’s just a par of life.” BULLSHIT!

Fuck! I don’t want to be a weeping woman waiting for a ring. I got other things to do or I can just do nothing at all but anything’s better than holding misery circles to drum up more misery by focusing on it and writing plays about it and singing songs about it.

I’m battling because honestly, I’m in a state of ‘i don’t care’ yet I don’t think this concept would play well with women because we are taught to care about everything. I’m not sure I can teach this concept without it seeming like I’m teaching depression and complacency. I’m not into the whole ACHIEVE GREATNESS philosophy because I believe it cages you into this race for recognition from others when that shit doesn’t really matter most in life. That’s why I say BE NOTHING. Be free to be NOTHING and then see what happens. It seems like the best way to be.

I don’t want to be the center of a sad circle of women, waiting to get married or waiting to heal. I am healed. I still have my quirks and fears but fuck it, I am healed. I don’t need nothing to happen to determine my worth. I don’t need to hold on to my job. I don’t need to have any friends. I don’t need my kids to love me. I don’t need anyone to hug me.

I want those things. I really do. I just, understand that they are not promised to me. Life didn’t come with a guarantee that I will get them. Why would I sit here and be miserable everyday because I don’t have them? That’s how you create your own misery. I don’t want to pressure myself into being miserable and I won’t.

So basically, in between creative bursts I take the time to talk to myself on this blog. You know, stuff I’d say if I had a friend who cared about the things I think about.

Anyway, I had this “conversation” on Google Plus with this man who identifies himself as a conservative. He’s black too. Yeah.

Anyway, I find his views thrilling because I have never met anyone like him. He’s against affirmative action. He hates this whole ‘We are the 99%” movement. He’s upset because Obama is considering taxing the rich another 5%.

So today he posted about how he was about to hire a new contractor to work for him but since Obama is taxing the rich he won’t do it because he can’t afford it which hurts the job market directly affecting those who need work and those who supply it.

While everyone went back and forth debating with him, you know what I asked him?

Me:

Um. Can you teach me how to become a millionaire?

His reply:

1. Save your money.
2. Get married, stay married.
3. Have only half the number of children you can afford.
4. Become an expert at something people NEED, not want.
5. Charge not a penny less than you are worth in value to your clients. Never charge by the hour; that is for losers.
6. Go back to No. 1

So I wrote:

I appreciate your replies and I agree with most of them except, what does marriage have to do with anything?

He wrote:

Marriage is a stabilizing force. Keeps you from wasting time perusing childish fantasies. When your choices are responsible for more than just your happiness, you tend to make them more carefully. Otherwise, all men would have wonderful cars, wonderful shoes, and children in 6 states.

Oh wait…

Well. I didn’t know what to think of this idea. I guess he’s right except, I don’t know. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me or maybe that’s what’s right with me. Maybe the fact that I don’t have an immediate family to care for that keeps me taking risks and chasing childhood fantasies of being happy and using my gifts to help others.

I don’t know. I consider all that I do as laying a foundation for my future and the future of my children but most would consider it as chasing childish dreams.

All in all, I appreciate him taking the time out to share wisdom. Most people I know would not even care enough to share the lessons they learned or the paths they walked to be where they are. To me, that’s love- helping someone to get to where you are.

For that, I am grateful.

The internet is buzzing with millions mourning the loss of Apple CEO Steve Jobs. This reminds me of when Michael Jackson died. Some writers describe Jobs as a rockstar of technology attesting to the fact that everyone in the world has, at some point, owned a product created and marketed by the innovative force behind the billion dollar brand name.

Personally, I had just begun to study the personal philosophy that Jobs shared that he claims led him to his current success. Offhand, the things that stood out to me moreso that his innovations were his quest for peace of mind. Did you know that Jobs went to India for a spiritual retreat or that he used LSD and said that it was a very important part of his development as a creative thinker? He was also adopted and refused to even speak to his birth parents.

I don’t know. There’s so much out there about his life but what really shook me was his message about intuition and risk taking. He failed so much. He had ideas that no one believed in. He tried and tried again.

What led to his success, according to the man himself, was not his ability to be the superstar, but his ability to attract other superstars to work with him.

I’m trying to figure out how to do that. I attract people, but they mainly want to have sex with me. I want to meet business minded people who want to make money with me. If I could throw some sex in there that would be great but I can not get a single business man to approach me with anything but offers of a stiff penis.

Like, who wants to make some MONEY off of me? Who cares to invest in me? No one. Yet I’m constantly hearing how remarkable I am and what a breath of fresh air I am (when I’m not speaking-ouch!).

~sigh~

I don’t know what to do. I need a team.

I need someone who is passionate about marketing.
Someone who loves organizational structure and leading a company.
Someone who can financially back the visions I create.
Someone who is well connected in the media to help publicize my efforts.
Someone who knows a future superstar when they see one and has studied success stories of the past so they KNOW what should happen next and are willing to put their name on the line.

All this that I want, I don’t know how to get it. I feel like I suck sometimes because I am constantly surrounded by people who just want, to keep their jobs and that’s that.

I want to meet people who believe they can change the world and make it a better place. Sounds crazy, huh?

Yeah. I felt the same way but then I think about Harriet Tubman and how she helped so many people who didn’t have a concept of the freedom she was leading them towards.

I don’t desire to be a leader of a big corporation. I just want to be able to meet women’s needs and to show them sincere love by providing for them and encouraging them in their efforts. Like, how can I do this all by myself?

I can’t.

And no one I’ve ever met has been willing to share wisdom or stand behind me and it’s because, well, I think it’s because there has to be something WRONG with me or WRONG with them or maybe it’s because I have a vagina and that’s more important to them or maybe it’s just that it’s not my time.

Regardless, Steve Jobs is important to me because I feel he is the only one I’ve ever studied who could understand how a little chick from Liberty City could feel like she’s supposed to help humanity and take significant strides to do so, yet, feel so small but continues to try anyway.

When he narrated this video it gave me hope that maybe, one day I can, you know, impact the world. Only because I believe I can.

I’m tired. Maybe it’s coming from the fact that I haven’t slept much today. Too much planning. Too many emotions, too many phone calls.

I’m not used to talking so much when I’m not working.

I have so many projects and I’m chugging away at them yet, I feel like I’m spinning my wheels sometimes.

Although I use this blog as an outlet to say what I want to say when I have no one around to say it to, I’m even getting tired of writing.

I think I just need to have some unadulterated FUN.

I wonder where I can find it.

Yay!

Go ME!

So last night after I was so frustrated by the fact that I don’t have any friends to hang out with here and no one to do fun stuff with, I was talking to my sister and then I got this idea.

~devilish grin~

I decided to go online and peruse the singles ads to see what I come across. I have had some great experiences with dating online in the past. With the exception of ONE, all the men I meet are better looking in person and are generally nice to me. The one woman I met online was way prettier than her pictures too. I usually just don’t see any future with us so I brush them off quickly but nothing too serious to complain about.

So this time I was going through ads while I was on the phone with my sister and I was laughing as I read things like:

I’m looking for a sex addict. A woman who is a slut and knows it.

I mean, I could be that, but not this week. LOL

Then I saw an ad that caught my eye. It was a man who described how he loved his girl but she loves women too and he wanted to find a new friend for them both. The words he used and how he described that the woman didn’t have to be a supermodel made me feel comfortable. He wanted someone who was hood but still cultured for good times, travel, friendship and more.

I was like, “Ok. Let’s do this.”

So I replied with a picture of myself and a basic description. Within 5 minutes he wrote back with pics of him and his girl. Ok. Cute. I can do that.

Then we emailed back and forth for a little while, him describing his businesses and me describing my work and my personality. I was completely honest about the fact that I don’t really have good experiences with men and definitely don’t have them in my life for too long and he shared how he and his girl have an understanding of no secrets and how they work well together because of this. Basically they are looking for a woman to share their lives with, to travel with and to be lovers with and to SPOIL. ~love that concept~

I’m looking for friends to hang out with. A couple would be ideal because when I’m with a couple and both are attracted to me I feel so special and cute and I feel like a lady. I love that feeling!

So we exchanged numbers and This morning she sent me a goodmorning text saying that they would be in my area this weekend and wanted to meet for drinks.

Man, I was so grateful! Finally, someone is inviting me to hang out. Geesh! It’s been so long. We arranged time for this weekend and I am so excited except, I don’t have anything to wear. Maybe I’ll go buy something simple so I won’t look too horrible. I just bought new underwear and bras- my FIRST SET since I gave everything away during my project and I haven’t worn them yet because I was waiting for something special to happen besides going to work.

So yay! I get to go out and do something besides work and I get to meet a couple who is interested in dating me.

I’m so happy!

I hope she likes me and I hope I like them! He seems very dominant and positive and his talents are where my weak points are so I’m hoping he’ll share his expertise in business with me. we exchanged links about our professional work and he was equally impressed by my portfolio as I was with his. He says he’s open to making money with me but he’s really interested in making a long term friend and companion for him and his girl.

Threesome? He says he’s been there and done that and he wants something more special this time.

ME TOO!

Man. I’m happy right now. I’m so glad I took the risk and I am looking forward to seeing if I could make some new friends with benefits and that he’s really as positive and sweet as he describes himself to be.

It’ll be so nice to have someone who wants to spend time with me, not because I need help but because they actually like hanging out with me.

I’ll let you know what happens!

I just came back from my date with the couple. We met downtown for lunch and a few drinks. I have to say that it was an amazing experience, a meeting of the souls for 3 people who share similar attitudes about life.

For some reason, I wasn’t uncomfortable at all. All I felt was eager anticipation and then my expectations were exceeded. We chatted easily over drinks, I mean we really couldn’t stop sharing our hearts and for once I felt like I was being understood. As far as physical attraction goes, they were a very beautiful couple. She looks almost angelic, the type of young lady you would want to have children with because you’d want to make sure that beauty remains on the earth and he was so different from any man I’ve ever met.

Yes, I’ve met soft men who were sensitive but not in the way he was, he was more in love with life than anything else and he told story after story about his life, his passions and his passion for making his life the best ever. I felt so at ease with them. ~exhale~

The whole time I kept comparing the feeling to how I feel when I’m with the Older Man. I think he likes to make me angry because he likes to see me upset and maybe he’s turned on when I curse him out but honestly, I don’t like feeling like that. I don’t like having to curse someone out. I don’t like being upset and asking to be cared for. I don’t like not feeling valued and important.

That’s how I know we’re on two different pages. He doesn’t really like me, or maybe he does, but his way of showing it isn’t what I need. I want to live a life of peace and blissful celebration. I don’t think he can give that to me. I don’t think he wants to.

After we spent 2 hours in the restaurant, we went over to a Kava bar and had shots of Kava, which was nasty as hell but it did relax my body like it’s supposed to. The beautiful part about that experience was the way the bar was decorated. It felt like I had stepped into some eastern sanctuary. I felt connected to myself and the earth and I wanted to sit there and read and meditate my concerns away.

I’m not sure if I’ll see the couple again, or even if they were real because it was like a fantasy sitting there with them. The love they have for each other brought a tear to my eye and I found myself crying in front of them because it was so beautiful the way they explored life together and the way they complemented each other so well. They were the type of couple you can admire for their inner and outer beauty. I can only be so lucky as to experience this type of love that they describe as having grown as the months and years rolled by.

There was a level of comfort there that I could sense, I could feel it. They were secure with each other and wanted to meet a friend to share all of that love and joy with. I felt kind of raggedy because I don’t have nice clothes to wear and they were so immaculate and drove a Jaguar but for some reason, I don’t think that mattered to them.

I wanted to be with them, physically and in the heart. I wanted to care for them, to be a witness to and to celebrate in their love with them, coming as close as I could to this ideal experience. He calls her his queen. She behaves like one. He spoils her, but she doesn’t need it.

When he met her, she was a hardworking graphic designer and he loved her work ethic so he contracted her to do work for his company, which helped her to eat better. He helped her to help herself and they grew their company together as a team.

Damn, that’s what I’m talking about. ~sigh~

Meeting them made me DESIRE what they have, but it’s still not that life or death kind of desire. It’s more of a ‘that would be nice’ kind of thing and I like that I feel that way.

I am so blown away that I had that experience. It feels like the Universe set me up to experience this awesome afternoon and I’m grateful for the treat.

I am so grateful. I am so glad that I did this. Maybe there are more people who love life and are bubbling over with joy. They said they are so blessed it seems like its selfish not to share some of that love.

I am so grateful that I met them.

Another awesome night at work last night. I’m not sure why I love working by myself so much. It’s harder because all the tables are my responsibility, but since I’m not the type of server to ask for help from other servers it’s not that much of a difference. I didn’t meet anyone that interesting but I was about to cry because this one lady had me standing there literally for like 15 minutes going through her to-go order and changing things and giving her more of this and that and she didn’t even tip me at ALL when I had a table there waiting for me to give them their drinks.

That really BURNED. I was literally about to cry right in front of her. But I held it together and shook off my pain.

~sigh~ I love my job. Most servers have regular customers but I don’t yet. I’m not a chatty person, sharing intimate stories about my life with the customers so I guess I’m not memorable like that but there are some people who come in every single day that I really love to see. It makes me feel good when they are there ordering the same thing day in and day out. I made even MORE money last night than the other night I worked by myself. GEEPERS! If you ever think, “Aww, she’s a waitress, she’s broke” when you meet a waitress- slap yourself because servers at good restaurants make GREAT money and even at my restaurant where people are used to tipping small, we can still make a significant contribution to our families with this job.

Anyway, I’m at my wits end. I feel so badly about this 10 year anniversary of being single. I’m not mad that I’m single- better for me to be single than in a relationship and constantly complaining. I hate when people complain about their mates- unless it’s funny! Then I love to laugh! Like one guy complained about his boyfriend and he was like, “Oh God! Now he’s advertising our fight on facebook.” And I just imagined how emotional his boyfriend was being about writing it on facebook and it made me LAUGH! LOL

Anyway, I don’t know what to do to use my 10 year anniversary to help women. Like, when I sit down to think about it I have SOME good ideas on lessons that may help people but my own pain over never being treated like a woman should be treated surfaces and I just, get mad and I can’t create anything.

This morning I cried. I allowed it and didn’t feel bad about it. I never cry over being single because the bullshit that’s out there isn’t worth crying over but just thinking about the couple I went on a date with this weekend and how much he adores her and supports her and considers her his bestfriend- I think it got to me. What does she have that I don’t?

I hear, “You’re beautiful” so much but no one ever likes me as a person. The Older Man picked me up from work this morning to give me a ride home. He told me he had the entire day off and would be looking for Miami Carnival parties so he can look at women. Not once did he even think to say, “Would you like to go out to lunch when you wake up?” or “Can I spend the morning with you until you fall asleep?” or even “You wanna go check out women with me?”

I was hurt.

“Why don’t you ever want to spend time with me?” I asked him frankly.

“I will,” he said, before he drove away.

I walked into the house feeling like the most stupid, disgusting person ever. Like, NO ONE, FOR REAL, likes to be around me for fun. For real? He’ll show up if I need help, but outside of that I don’t hear from him at all.

I know you’re probably laughing and it’s making you smile to laugh at my misery but that’s okay. Nothing ever stays the same. It’s just, I really want to do something creative with this pain that will benefit women but the pain of watching other women be treated better than me when I KNOW I’m an awesome person and anyone would be blessed to be my friend- well, it’s blocking my ability to be able to create.

I’m sorry. I guess I have to figure out how to fix this too.

Wait.

I’m confused.

If, I met the Older Man 4 months ago, we haven’t slept together and he gets on my nerves all the time and I have to curse him out and tell him that I hate him so much yet no matter how I treat him he always comes when I need him and tells me he believes in me yet I really, really think that he’s not good to me and I try to end things with him because I want more time and attention and he refuses to give it then why…

Why have we not stopped talking to each other yet?

What’s going on here?

I never last this long talking to any one man and-

How come I still get excited in my heart when I see him?

After my co worker cursed at me last night in front of all the customers, my customer left me a note on his bill that read:

I was blown away when I read that.

That’s what I get for taking the time to share my good fortune. I got a really great tip at work last night and this is what I get for letting someone know. Now, do you see why I don’t make friends easily?

Back to keeping to myself.