Month: April 2011

I am sitting with Chris, one of the residents of the shelter. He is constantly making me laugh with random comments.

I am going to sit here and write down the wild stuff he says.

“I told you I know Danny Glover!”

“You only get to die once or twice.”

“Gary Senise is in the north parking lot and he’s been following me for 10 years. He’s in my family. He knows my whole family!”

“All you f*** women had your penis’s cut off to become men!”

“You remember the night when I stayed outside and slept outside of the building and I stuck the shotgun in my mouth and blew my brains out the back of my head?”

“F*** I gotta go take a shower. I got peanut butter all over my ears!”

Calling the front office of the shelter, “What room am I in?”

“And you wanna know why I’m goin from group home to group home.”

I sit with him everyday just so I can smile. =)

I have like, so much shit to say in my head and I have no one to talk to about it cuz it’s no one’s concern.

I have like, so much anger in my heart towards myself for my past and i wish I could have been different somehow so I could have some people in my corner right now because this is hard being alone and thinking by myself and not having any instructions on how to do this right.

I can’t even think of anyone I could call to ask for advice. That’s the hard part. I want to ask for help, well, I really DONT want to ask for help, but I need to. I need help.

I don’t know who to call and I have issues with asking men for help.

My heart is literally hurting as I type this but in my mind I’m hearing, “Just before the demonstration it seems all hope is lost.”

Which basically means maybe I am feeling depressed and lost because something good and wonderful is about to happen.

I’m used to losing. I’m used to not achieving long term success. I’m used to being hungry. I’m used to people getting mad at me and not supporting me because they are mad that I walk away from doing what they want me to do.

I’m used to being talked about and criticized cuz chicks are insecure around me.

I’m used to all that.

But THIS time, when I’m trying to do something good and I can’t seem to find the right key to fit the lock- I’m upset with myself.

What more can I do?

I find myself praying and you know how I feel about prayer. I feel like my prayers are fake these days.

I’m wondering if there is even anyone to pray TO.

And I wish I had someone I respected to discuss all this with instead of someone who will just regurgitate what their Mama told them to believe. I wish I had someone who had independent thoughts and were open minded and smart and strategic in business.

I am smart. I know that. I am talented. I know that. The only thing I lack is the connections, the IN that most people have that allows them the opportunity to show what they can do.

I’m trying. But I’m feeliing pain in my chest because I’m carrying all this shit by myself and my kids are waiting for me to be a success and my mama and I’m waiting too.

But I don’t see it.

And all I want is a hug. Or maybe just to masterbate.

I just want a hug.

And I’m tired.

I’m alright.

I just needed to vent. Sorry.