Month: April 2011

It’s almost 7 am and I am up. The wake up time here is 5am so that most residents can go to work. Going to work means being hurded onto a van and dropped off at various locations to panhandle for donations for the newspaper the shelter offers.

I haven’t had a chance to do this consistently because I need hours during the day to call businesses and ask for their assistance with the job fair. If I was a normal resident of this shelter it would be a requirement for me to go out each day but I receive a special pass to go film my videos and do research because of this project.

I am filled with a bit of uncertainty at this point. The woman who said that she would sponsor the job fair told me she sent me a check over a week ago but I have yet to receive it. The people who promised me I could use their venue have not been returning my calls. No women have signed up and only 2 businesses so far have signed up.

I was hoping that this project would only last for 2 weeks but this is not happening as fast as I thought it would. I’m not exactly feeling like a failure at this point but I am annoyed with myself because I have not made more progress.

The adjustment period is slow and I am uncomfortable because of my toothache. Thank goodness I got the antibiotics and the pain is going away.

What else can I do?

I find myself praying a lot the past two days. I ask for guidance. How can I make this a success? Who do I need to talk to? What can I do to make this happen faster?

I listen and I don’t hear anything.

I wish I had a laptop bag. I am literally carrying a plastic shopping bag filled with stuff around the city. I hate carrying my laptop in that because it offers no protection for my laptop.

What’s interesting is the fact that I assumed that once I became homeless I would be invisible to most people. How many times have you looked a homeless person in the face?

This isn’t true. I’m not sure if its because I’m wearing a camera and tripod around my neck or that my looks are eye catching but I still get the same amount of men trying to hit on me. I FEEL invisible, but I’m not.

It’s Saturday. I have to go to visit the first business that signed up for the job fair. I wish I didn’t have to go to the business because I have to take buses but she says she doesn’t have email. I am so grateful that she said yes that I will eagerly go the distance.

I need more businesses.

I need to be able to raise money for the grant and the website. I have no idea what I am doing wrong. I have no idea what I’m doing really.

I miss writing about regular stuff.

I think one of the most difficult things to talk about with people is religion. I mean, MY religion-which is none.

I could be a former prostitute or a former drug addict or a former felon and those adjectives would be more acceptable than saying that I am not a Christian.

Sometimes I have to sit and listen to Christian people make such harsh judgments about everyone and everything and speak so negatively about this world. They will quote scriptures and automatically assume that I am down with them and their judgment. The moment I tell them that I am not a Christian the room gets quiet and I can hear their hearts beating fast as though they are either afraid of me or feel sorry for me.

Once I was talking to this pastor and he was telling me how “out of the box” his church is and how accepting they are of everyone. At that point I felt free to engage him so I said, “Well, I’m not a Christian and I’m openly bi sexual.”

He tried his best not to react.

Then he engaged me in conversation about how some Christians in my past must have hurt me and I shouldn’t walk away from God because of a few people who don’t have good hearts.

My reply: Why is God synonymous with Christianity?

He stammered, “God is synonymous with everything.”

Good.

But at the end of the conversation he said, “Now don’t walk out of here telling people that you told Pastor A that you were bisexual and I said it’s okay because it’s not.”

He looked at me sincerely. I returned his sincere look and then replied, “Sir, I don’t need your approval or acceptance.”

He gave me a high five. I smiled and then I left.

It’s so wild to me that I have to encounter this type of conversation regularly. I don’t preach my beliefs to anyone who hasn’t come to me for advice. My beliefs center around prosperity and loving yourself. I am not religious. I am not against any religion. I believe that religion leads you to a place of consistent faith that EVERYONE needs but after much studying I feel that ALL religions seek this certain faith and I do not need to choose one.

I don’t have to choose. Everyone has free choice but it seems that no one understands that.

I sometimes feel bad that I have to listen to everyone explain their faith and when I try to share my perspective and how I am not motivated by a fear of hell or the promise of heaven for good behavior I am judged immediately.

I don’t judge people for being drug addicts. I don’t judge people who steal. I just listen and that’s about it. That’s why people feel so comfortable talking to me. I don’t make anyone feel bad for their life or lifestyle or their problems because it’s not my life. I just like to hear people’s stories because I think ALL paths are intriguing.

But I do, I feel badly that my life or beliefs aren’t respected when others appreciate it when I respect theirs.

Cuz I do.

Always.

I mean, unless you’re degrading women in some way. I have zero tolerance about that. Otherwise, do you!

Man, at some point in this life, I would LOVE to be respected and appreciated for being who I am instead of people trying to correct my opinions and life choices and tell me that I am going to go back to Christ because I walked away from the church for the wrong reasons.

Who the fuck told you that? Who are you to try to tell me what I did and why I did it? I hate that shit.

I just wanna be understood. Even if no one agrees, I want my path to be respected too.

Could this ever happen?

I don’t know. I am not a follower.

I guess it’s just that… other followers don’t like that.

I am living in a homeless shelter.

But this is better than living on the streets. My fears of homelessness are now gone because I have done so much research that I know that I can survive.

A man was kicked out tonight. He says it was because he gave a needle to another resident but others say he is always drunk. Well, he is. The day we shot his portion of my documentary he had 3 beers and one shot of alcohol.

He offered me a shot and I said, “It’s the middle of the day. Whatever feeling you want me to experience, I have no desire for it.”

“It’s not a feeling I’m trying to experience,” he said. “It’s something I’m trying to maintain.”

When I meet drug addicted individuals it is enough for me to not want to drink or do any drugs. yes, getting high was fun back in college but I see it as an escape mechanism to get out of life early.

We’re already killing ourselves with chemicals in foods and everyday household items. Smoking and drinking just does it faster.

I am grateful to be here. I am grateful for doing this project even though nothing good has come of it yet.

I am grateful everyday because I am a journalist again even though I do not have a paycheck. I am grateful that I am alive and I am smart and I have sons who love me.

I would love a bed and a nice clean shower and a hug but for now, I am okay with things the way they are. I am safe. I am okay.

I’m okay.

I’m trying not to cry.

I feel hopeless for just a moment. The shelter is full. People are being turned away. I ate so well today but I am sick, I have a cold and I’ve drank two cups of theraflu and I’m still achy.

This man next to me is annoying me and I feel like I don’t belong here and I’ll never be able to escape. I know I’m supposed to be strong and I’m trying to be the person I’m supposed to be but I feel like I’m stuck and this is bullshit I’m doing and I guess I’m just having a moment but I can’t call anyone because I don’t want to burden anyone because this was my choice.

I’m in a fuckin shelter. I could be on the streets. I know. I should be grateful but I am scared and I am feeling a little paranoid and I’m scared of not being able to pull myself out of this.

So now you know what’s inside my head right now.

I’m trying to teach women not to be afraid but I AM afraid right now.