Month: February 2011

It’s a celebration!

I have enough money to pay my rent for ONE MORE MONTH! This means that I have one more month to make my dream come true of sustaining myself through my online blogs and websites so that I can continue to do the work of uplifting and empowering women. How will I do it? I have no idea. I’m trying everything. Researching everything. Putting together plans and new ideas and always following through.

I know I’m a bit MUCH, but I catalogue my journey, however unstable, to show you that my own personal development is ever evolving. I’m honest and transparent because I don’t desire your admiration, I want you to learn with me and through me.

Thank you for being interested enough to follow my story.

I’ll be around later with details on what I’m planning and how I’m progressing.

Everything is gone.

Its as though life grabbed me by the ankles, held me upside down and shook everything off of me. Within the last 3 months, everything went away. My two jobs. My car. School. Certain friends. And now, me and my best friend Tamara are no longer speaking.

No, it’s not like one of those, “I’m mad at you for now,” type of things. This is for real. I think we’ve grown apart or at least I have. I don’t look at her the same way. I no longer share the same mental space or thought processes. I’m ready to move on to other things but she still seems to be in the same space so I had to say goodbye.

I was hurting for a little while but then I realized what an opportunity this will be for her to grow as a person. Without me to lean on, she will have to learn to trust herself.

~sigh~

There’s a man she has been seeing. She has been waiting for two years for this man to call her his girlfriend. He won’t. She’s still trying to convince him of her worth. In a way, I hope she can do it because she’s put in a lot of work. But on the other hand, I would love to see her loved for real by someone she doesn’t have to EARN their love and devotion.

Regardless, she’s stronger than she thinks. She’s smarter than she thinks. She’s more capable than she thinks. I will always love her but I have to shake it off so that we both can grow. I need strong women around me who know their capabilities and their worth.

She was my childhood best friend but we are no longer children.

It’s time to grow up.

I’m ready.

Sometimes things happen and you don’t know why.

I will admit, I’ve been over here crying my eyes out over the loss of my best friend. But somehow, on the inside, I feel like it’s for the best but I don’t know why I feel like that.

In between crying, I’m working diligently on developing my site. I am not a designer but I designed a new header in MS Word and I invested in an email gathering tool because I need to create an email list in order to produce launches of my future endeavors. At least, that’s what the online business development gurus say.

I’ve been studying different writing techniques and lots of stuff. Trying to stay busy so I won’t think about this life change so much. I AM living my dream yet, so much had to die to make it happen that its kinda bittersweet.

I guess I’ll learn to stand on my own more and that is my one wish for Tamara. She was very much dependent on me and I hope that with this new season of our lives she learns to trust herself more and begins to understand her worth.

I would have never guessed that this is what 2011 would bring.

What the fuck else is going to happen?

My heart hurts.

A professional book reviewer is now reviewing my book and will post the review on his website for all to read. ~gulp~

I know I wrote it for people to buy but not really for people to critique. I just figured it might help someone to understand that its okay to be who they are. I wrote it to help people.

I just wanted to help. I am nervous as hell.

Today I’m moving forward. I heard about something called a Book Trailor. It’s like a movie trailor for books. So I watched a few and now I’m working on making my own. I wrote out the script and now I am learning a whole new movie maker program so that this video will stand out from the rest.

Thank goodness I’ve been making vids since 2007 so I have a good idea what goes where but I still have to figure out how to use this program well.

Guess what else died today? My phone. Just stopped working out of the blue. I don’t have money to replace it so I’m on yahoo trying to see if someone can contact someone to send me a new one.

Boy. Losses all around.

This made me think of my tooth that I lost in December. It was my last baby tooth that had never come out. It just fell out one night. Tamara and I took it as an omen that something was about to happen.

I guess it was. Everything changed.

The Tower card I got in the tarot reading was right. Everything I thought was true and right for me, actually wasn’t.

I’m still feeling positive about my future although there is NO EVIDENCE that much has changed. I’m just sowing seeds hoping for a quick harvest. I updated my vision board today. I found pictures of a perfect smile, a 5 bedroom house, a lobster and a girl getting her makeup done. Add those pics to the ones I already have: sushi, all the 4 food groups, tropical vacation, a Porsche speedster, A Benz coupe, a steak, a sign that says Be Your Own Boss, America’s Next Top Model clipping and a lady holding a microphone.

I wonder if this will work for me. I wonder what there is for me to do that I am not already doing. I’m getting a haircut tomorrow. I have been growing my afro for over a year and it looks so messy now. Time to start over.

Literally.