What a helluva Tuesday.
Not only did I get an indecent proposal that I’m actually considering I also learned a lot from my off campus supervisor. He sat with me and answered all of my questions about my counseling sessions and even how to answer questions from clients and we role played a little bit. He was actually very nice. It gave me more confidence when I went in to meet my own clients and at the end of my sessions, my reflecting team of student counselors said, “You sure have a way of building rapport with your clients.”
I do.
I am good at putting people at ease. And THIS week, I didn’t have my mental breakdown until AFTER the sessions which freaked my reflecting team out until I explained about my anxiety and my inability to sit in one room for more than 2 hours. I don’t know how I’ll be able to work in an office full time.
I must admit, I do NOT know what I’m doing…yet. It’s only been 3 weeks though. When do things start to click? Does everyone go through this period where they feel like they are unprepared for their profession? Will I finish this program? At the rate I’m going, I am unsure.
I don’t want to be a hinderance but all I keep thinking of, every session, before and after is, what my OLD counselor used to do. And my respect for his work skyrockets because he dealt with ME so WELL. How did he do it? He needs an award.
Do you know what I put that man through? OMG! Straight up. One time i told him, “I thought you were a bitch when I first met you.”
He didn’t even flinch. He just said, “And what about me led you to that conclusion?”
How in the world did he DEAL with me for so long?
And how in the world can I finish this internship when my own mental health issues are clouding my brain day in and day out? I love learning about counseling and figuring out ways to help clients but I am frustrated with myself because for the first time something is not coming easy to me. I am passionate about this. I just don’t know how to handle this experience I went through.
I have no one to talk to about it. I trust no one. But I need help. I’m trying to let it go, but I find myself unable to go get it and once again, I feel like I may not be able to get through this. So many others have come before me and done it, why can’t I? I am very smart, brilliant even, but…
I think I need a hug. My head won’t stop hurting. I read and read so I’ll be prepared to give my best but, it’s not working. I need some relief from this anger I feel. This anger is mixed with admiration so that is conflicting inside my soul.
So I’m a substance abuse counselor and today I learned that most street drugs were the inspiration for prescription drugs. This book I read today had an ad that read: Cocaine for toothaches. I was blown away!
I have addictive behaviours too. I am obsessive, but that is what has made me such a FORCE when it comes to doing the things I love. I won’t stop studying or trying until I get it right.
But what is it about drugs that keeps people coming back again and again, forsaking everything for that high? Back in college I used to smoke out all the time and I remember us doing it as a social activity until we graduated and had to get real jobs then it became a liability. I don’t know anyone who smokes out these days everyone is too busy becoming leaders.
This man I met keeps calling me. He’s the one who was the firecracker but I tamed him or so I thought. I stopped speaking to him last week. Haven’t called his phone since but he keeps calling me. Today I figured out why.
Last week he asked me if I dismiss relationships easily and I said, “Sure i do!”
“Whats your average time?” he asked.
“8 days. 10 is my max.”
Tomorrow it will be 10 days since I met him. I think he’s trying to break my record but he won’t. I’ve done EVERYTHING i can think of to turn this man off yet he still calls. I don’t understand it. I don’t even like him. Time to pull out the big guns. If he calls me again, I’m gonna tell him I love him. That’ll work.
I don’t like anyone. And I’m frustrated with myself because I look so cool, like such a superstar and I am poised like no other until, until I walk onto campus and then I start to remember what happened and I’m looking over my shoulder and every black man in a dress shirt and tie becomes my enemy and then my anxiety kicks in and I feel sad and hurt.
I don’t want to bring drama to either of my work sites. I don’t want to add stress to the stress of being new counselors. None of us know what we are doing yet and there I go adding my anxiety to the mix but I can’t control it.
I hate that it comes out and its gotten worse in the past month. I can only remember ONE day where i felt no anxiety at all and I was surprised. It came back the next day. =(
I’m studying too much. I’m learning too much. I’m reading so much. I’m doing too much. But you know, at least my friends are smiling.
Tonight I’m going to pray that tomorrow will be a new day and my anxiety will go away and I won’t have those traumatizing thoughts and I’ll do well in my internship and I’ll smile and laugh and expect good things and even experience some things too.
I didn’t get the part I auditioned for, which surprised me because I was VERY good but I bet they found someone more suitable for the role which is okay. it’s just, i was looking forward to the distraction. It was something good to look forward to and now I have nothing left.
Man.