Last weekend a woman reached out to me from my past through facebook. She’s in town. She wants to meet up. My heart started aching. I didn’t feel a good vibe.
So when she sent me her number I called and spoke with her for a bit but in the end I decided I didn’t want to vibe with her like that. But really, she was one of my closest friends from undergrad until just about the time I was about to graduate. Now, I want nothing to do with her. Her vibe is icky to me. I must have really changed a lot and most of my friends have shifted with me or else we still wouldn’t be friends.
This made me think of Sylvia and how we don’t even speak anymore. When Sylvia disappears its usually a signal that my life is about to change dramatically. I realized this the last time we had it out and then after we reconnected I realized that Sylvia can not handle the journey that I am on. She would freak out by ALL of my decisions and say that I am mentally ill because I take risks no one we know ever would and my goals are not centered around having a job and a husband.
I don’t think of myself as a risky person, I just follow what I believe is right for me. If I’m not feeling that a situation is a good fit, I walk away. I do not try to make it fit. Ever. I don’t sit and complain about it- I change it.
I know who I am and even through my evolution I know what it is that I am looking for. It’s not a destination. It’s a feeling. It’s a vibration that envelops me blissfully.
I’ve felt it before.
I feel it whenever I get on stage to perform.
I feel it when I’m spearheading a new project.
I feel it when I’m studying and my perspective changes because I’ve learned something new.
I feel it when I’m with my sons.
I feel it when I’m meditating.
I feel it when I’m writing.
I feel it when I’m talking with my best friend and my little sister.
I feel it when my Mama makes me laugh.
I’ve felt it with one man. His spirit spoke to mine and even though I know he was often frustrated with me, I still went back for more of that connection because in that feeling place, I felt like I was home.
I was talking to my sister the other day and trying to explain how I was feeling at the time and she said, “You know what you need?”
“What?”
“You need a family. You’re all alone over there, all the time. You need someone to come home to who will tell you ‘Girl, shut up’ when you’re too much into your feelings.”
That made me laugh.
I sure do get into my feelings a lot. I’m a Cancer.
I know what I like and don’t like.
I only do what I want to do.
If I don’t like it I’m not doing it, and this way, everything I do, I prosper in.
Well, I’m actually going to try to clean up. Who am I kidding? Ok, OK. I’ll try.
Oh God, I’m a mess. LOL