Month: February 2011

My friend B is so funny!

Last night I called him because I wanted to talk about Killing Buddha and he said, “Tee, I’m about to watch the HEAT!” I laughed.

When he called me back I was like, “Um, The Heat is of the world!”

He said, “I know. It’s one of the last things I need to let go of.”

B is so very special. This new spiritual journey reminds me of when he first started really being a Christian. I was the same way, overzealous, wanting to point everyone the “right” way and being judgmental all the time.

But through Buddhism B has found something to put his focus on. We agree on most ideals but he thinks there is a “TRUTH” to be found while i do not.

I don’t think there is a certain “TRUTH” because TRUTH is relative to the viewer. Sure there are socially constructed “Truths” but there are no ultimate truths. What one may view as heaven, another may think would be hellish.

But B is so excited about shit I discovered years ago, it’s fun to hear him whisper excitedly, claiming he wants to be a teacher.

“Tee, I’m coming to Miami tomorrow.”

“Why?”

“TO give away my 55 inch flat screen TV and my ps3.”

“Why?”

“To rid my self of attachments. I want to know what its like to be completely unattached to this world.”

“Well you can bring some worldly attachments over here. I don’t have anything!” I told him.

He laughed.

“B, it’s not fun. It’s not fun having nothing,” I tell him.

“Tee, what does Matthew 6:24 say?”

“You want me to look up the Bible?”

“Yes, Tee.”

I sigh, “Ok. It says you can not serve two masters.”

“Exactly! How can I serve God and the world?”

“Um. I don’t know.”

To me its not that serious. To B, he wants to spend all his time in meditation and communion with everything and nothing.

“Don’t you want to know the ultimate truth?” he asked.

“Not really. I just want to be able to feel safe, be creative and make money from it so I can take care of my sons again. That’s my idea of success.”

I figure that the state of Nirvana or the trance you reach when you are in meditation is probably a lot like what it feels like to be dead. I’m guaranteed to experience that when I die so why should I rush it now?

This world is a PLAYGROUND.

Everything in it is a reflection of what you believe the world should be.

“Tee, you live in a bubble!” Negative people who hate their lives always say this to me.

I usually shrug. “I’m a star in my own world and everything that happens pushes me toward my best me.”

It’s all stories. That’s all life is. We pick up the phone everyday to tell what happened. If there’s no DRAMA there’s no story.

So we create drama just to have something to look forward to.

I want the next part of my “story” to be…

Ms. Tee, in the midst of her final semesters as a graduate student suddenly awoke to a strange surprise which changed her life in the most dramatic way. Never before had she smiled the smile she smiled that day. Never before has she danced a happy dance the way she shook her ass that day.

That day, everything made sense. All the past, all the tears, all of the seeds she planted had finally produced a harvest and Ms. Tee with all of her infinite wisdom and talent, knew exactly what to do to make her harvest flourish.

BOOM! She gets a home of her own, a spectacular home just like the ones she and her boys fantasized about.

BOOM! She gets an opportunity to showcase her talents in a MAJOR way and the country is ASTOUNDED by this treasure! Immediately she is the buzz and the most sought after journalist and thought leader, the youngest around!

BOOM! She gets her teeth fixed and goes to the doctor!

BOOM! She can eat whatever she likes. All the lobster tails, all the hot wings, all the spaghetti with cheese and garlic bread and cold drinks and sandwhiches, unlimited food, unlimited desserts. No more ramen noodles!

BOOM! She gets a new car, a luxury car, with a sunroof like she always wanted.

BOOM! She gets a book deal, multiple books, all the words she ever wanted to write could be written and shared with the world.

BOOM! She flies out to Chicago to visit Kim and spends time with her family.

BOOM! She’s about to give her mother $250,ooo to spend as she pleases and hires the assistant for her mom that she promised.

BOOM! Kanye calls and he needs therapy. $10,000 a session and he passes her name around his inner circle. Soon Oprah calls too.

BOOM! She performs all over the country with her sons by her side. They are not embarrassed by Mama at this point, they are proud that she has a zany personality and they appear at every event they can with her.

BOOM! Her BBDD suddenly receives the love he deserves and it changes his broken heart so he interacts with the world differently.

BOOM! She is loved by someone who does not NEED anything but the blessing of her presence and is eager to make a smile appear on her face.

BOOM!

IT HAPPENS!

IN A FLASH!

IN A HEARTBEAT!

IN A MIRACULOUS WAY!

UNDER GRACE!

IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE!

Whatever happens next will lead toward that dream.

I trust.

And I am grateful.

I just worked through another panic attack.

This time it took me a little over an hour. I can tell I’m over it because I am now breathing more clearly and I can imagine good things for my life.

While I am inside of my panic attack, I can barely breathe. My chest is tight. I have these thoughts that I am a horrible person and I don’t deserve or can not have anything good in my life. Usually to calm myself I write an irrational letter. I have only sent out one of these letters ONCE and I don’t regret it but its not me in my best form.

While I’m in my panic attack, I am a ball of negative emotion. I feel like I am going to implode and I struggle to find reasons why life is a good thing. I think of everything I can’t control and the people who have hurt me and I try to go back in my past and figure out why I deserved that treatment or if there was something I could have done differently so they would not have had the chance to hurt me.

Its funny because while I am in my panic attack, you would not know. There is no physical characteristics you can see, although I’m usually alone when they happen. It just feels like someone stabbing me in my chest and beating me over the head over and over again and I curl up on a ball and fight my way through it. I fight by reading inspirational articles, sometimes even watching some of my own youtube videos or even listening to some of my favorite inspirational teachers on youtube. All the while I am searching for that trigger, that one word or affirmation or melody which will release the tension in my brain and in my heart so I can breathe and i can think clearly again.

After the attack is done I hug myself and wish that someone else would be here to hug me too. Once I had a panic attack while I was with this man. I think being in his presence caused it because I was afraid of him. When he saw what was going on, he reached over and grabbed me, holding me close to him and I calmed down.

I feel like an alien in this world and I’m paranoid and I’m scared and I’m lonely and every man I’ve met has tried to hurt me and laugh at me or leave me to figure out what to do on my own. I picture them all laughing, laughing, proud of the pain they created simply because they wanted me to hurt like them too. The hard part is, men are everywhere and they LOVE looking at me and coming up to me and pretending like they mean well to me when really in the end, you see how they feel.

They want you to hurt like they are hurting and it is their deliberate intention to ensure you do.

But I only feel this way when I’m in a panic attack. After its done I feel guilty for being so weak because i go through this. And then I wonder what bad thing will happen to me since I spent nearly an hour going through this negative emotion so intensely.

My anxiety doesnt get the best of me on most days, I think it happens more when I feel a change is about to come and I’m afraid to let go of what i have because I’m not sure i deserve something better. But I always get better so I don’t know what the hell my problem is!

What a helluva Tuesday.

Not only did I get an indecent proposal that I’m actually considering I also learned a lot from my off campus supervisor. He sat with me and answered all of my questions about my counseling sessions and even how to answer questions from clients and we role played a little bit. He was actually very nice. It gave me more confidence when I went in to meet my own clients and at the end of my sessions, my reflecting team of student counselors said, “You sure have a way of building rapport with your clients.”

I do.

I am good at putting people at ease. And THIS week, I didn’t have my mental breakdown until AFTER the sessions which freaked my reflecting team out until I explained about my anxiety and my inability to sit in one room for more than 2 hours. I don’t know how I’ll be able to work in an office full time.

I must admit, I do NOT know what I’m doing…yet. It’s only been 3 weeks though. When do things start to click? Does everyone go through this period where they feel like they are unprepared for their profession? Will I finish this program? At the rate I’m going, I am unsure.

I don’t want to be a hinderance but all I keep thinking of, every session, before and after is, what my OLD counselor used to do. And my respect for his work skyrockets because he dealt with ME so WELL. How did he do it? He needs an award.

Do you know what I put that man through? OMG! Straight up. One time i told him, “I thought you were a bitch when I first met you.”

He didn’t even flinch. He just said, “And what about me led you to that conclusion?”

How in the world did he DEAL with me for so long?

And how in the world can I finish this internship when my own mental health issues are clouding my brain day in and day out? I love learning about counseling and figuring out ways to help clients but I am frustrated with myself because for the first time something is not coming easy to me. I am passionate about this. I just don’t know how to handle this experience I went through.

I have no one to talk to about it. I trust no one. But I need help. I’m trying to let it go, but I find myself unable to go get it and once again, I feel like I may not be able to get through this. So many others have come before me and done it, why can’t I? I am very smart, brilliant even, but…

I think I need a hug. My head won’t stop hurting. I read and read so I’ll be prepared to give my best but, it’s not working. I need some relief from this anger I feel. This anger is mixed with admiration so that is conflicting inside my soul.

So I’m a substance abuse counselor and today I learned that most street drugs were the inspiration for prescription drugs. This book I read today had an ad that read: Cocaine for toothaches. I was blown away!

I have addictive behaviours too. I am obsessive, but that is what has made me such a FORCE when it comes to doing the things I love. I won’t stop studying or trying until I get it right.

But what is it about drugs that keeps people coming back again and again, forsaking everything for that high? Back in college I used to smoke out all the time and I remember us doing it as a social activity until we graduated and had to get real jobs then it became a liability. I don’t know anyone who smokes out these days everyone is too busy becoming leaders.

This man I met keeps calling me. He’s the one who was the firecracker but I tamed him or so I thought. I stopped speaking to him last week. Haven’t called his phone since but he keeps calling me. Today I figured out why.

Last week he asked me if I dismiss relationships easily and I said, “Sure i do!”

“Whats your average time?” he asked.

“8 days. 10 is my max.”

Tomorrow it will be 10 days since I met him. I think he’s trying to break my record but he won’t. I’ve done EVERYTHING i can think of to turn this man off yet he still calls. I don’t understand it. I don’t even like him. Time to pull out the big guns. If he calls me again, I’m gonna tell him I love him. That’ll work.

I don’t like anyone. And I’m frustrated with myself because I look so cool, like such a superstar and I am poised like no other until, until I walk onto campus and then I start to remember what happened and I’m looking over my shoulder and every black man in a dress shirt and tie becomes my enemy and then my anxiety kicks in and I feel sad and hurt.

I don’t want to bring drama to either of my work sites. I don’t want to add stress to the stress of being new counselors. None of us know what we are doing yet and there I go adding my anxiety to the mix but I can’t control it.

I hate that it comes out and its gotten worse in the past month. I can only remember ONE day where i felt no anxiety at all and I was surprised. It came back the next day. =(

I’m studying too much. I’m learning too much. I’m reading so much. I’m doing too much. But you know, at least my friends are smiling.

Tonight I’m going to pray that tomorrow will be a new day and my anxiety will go away and I won’t have those traumatizing thoughts and I’ll do well in my internship and I’ll smile and laugh and expect good things and even experience some things too.

I didn’t get the part I auditioned for, which surprised me because I was VERY good but I bet they found someone more suitable for the role which is okay. it’s just, i was looking forward to the distraction. It was something good to look forward to and now I have nothing left.

Man.

THIS is what my future bio will read-

Ms. Tee is an inspirational journalist and success coach. She has written over 19 books in the areas of relationships, philosophy and the science of success. She lives alone with her plastic goldfish Mark in a beautiful beachfront home in Hollywood, Florida and she tours the country annually reading poetry from her poetry books. Her sons are successful and handsome young men who thrive in any environment. She celebrates her single life and happily boasts 20 years of being single and free traveling the world on sabbaticals, learning and loving tasting different cultures and lifestyles.

I am NOT getting married to ANYONE- EVER.

And for good measure-

The man who was predicted to marry Ms. Tee never met her at all. He saw her once on television and remarked that she was beautful as he turned toward his equally as beautiful wife and grabbed her hand in celebration of 10 wonderful years together. His life dream of being loved and cherished had finally come true.

Now, I can finally rest. He’s taken care of and so am I.

Maybe next lifetime.

It’s February 2nd and I want to remember this day forever. Let me tell a story.

One day you decide you want to take a trip to a place you’ve never been so you find out which bus to take and you stand on the bus stop and then hop on the bus. As you ride the bumpy ride you look out the window, noticing the change in the scenario wandering what comes next. You watch as different people enter the bus and their personalities fill the narrow space. You enjoy some and you are annoyed by others but for the most part you are still interested in seeing how the personalities and the scenery changes and eager to get to really experience your destination.

Once you are about 20 miles outside of your destination, your driver takes a break. You’re allowed to get out and walk around and he says, “This is very similar to where you’re headed, enjoy.”

You walk around, talk to people and get a feel for this strange new place.

When time comes to get back on the bus, you hesitate.

You don’t want to go with these people where they are headed. You did not enjoy the resting place. You know you would be miserable if you got back on that bus with them. This does not feel exciting or interesting to you anymore. You know you won’t prosper with this crowd.

But what about the fact that everyone you know is expecting you to go there? They asked for pictures. They’re waiting to hear the stories. How could you disappoint them?

You don’t care.

You wish them well on their journey and watch the bus doors close and you sit on the side of the road, waiting for another bus.

Which is basically what I did today.

I withdrew from grad school. I am not going to become a counselor after all. I do not belong with those people sitting in those offices, doing the things they were doing, oh no. And I don’t want to continue a journey to somewhere I know I do not belong. That’s a dumb idea.

So what will I do next?

I don’t know.

Maybe this bus will take me to a place where I feel more comfortable and more free to be me and where I will flourish creatively. If not, I’ll find another one.

It’s my journey.

Let’s see where this choice leads.

Praise God for such a glorious day!

This was the day I realized an awesome truth and it has changed my life forever.

I’ll start at the beginning.

I woke up to my phone ringing and it’s Kim.

“What’s up, dawg?” she said. “I see that you called but I’ve been so busy.”

I quickly caught her up on my story and she was shocked when I got to the part about withdrawing from grad school. After a little pulling and pushing we came to an agreement and found peace again. Then I asked her what was going on with her because her energy was off.

“You’re right. I’m very tense. This week we had a blizzard and I couldn’t go out and prepare for my trip. Today is the only day I have cuz we leave tomorrow for California and my entire body is aching.”

I knew it! Whenever we react in a critical or emotional way to any situation it is not due to the situation but really, the condition of our hearts at the time.

So we blessed each other and hung up as I hopped in the shower and got dressed for my trip to Ft. Lauderdale to finish up the last of my appointments to ensure that I continue receiving unemployment.

One bus. Two buses. 2 hours later I’m walking the 5 blocks left to the center. I walk in and sit down, curling my feet beneath my long skirt as I wait for the workshop to begin. The workshop is 2 hours long and the topic is Social Networking. The lady teaches us how to set up social networking accounts and how to use them to find jobs.

Since I already know how to use all the social networks I fall asleep but then wake up when I realize there’s a search function on Linked In which may help in my search for the eligible bachelors I profile.

After the workshop, I run to meet my counselor and then run back to finish up another orientation. As I walk in there’s a man staring at me. I give him a little wave and go on about my business, setting myself up to sit at the computer so I can do the online video and testing.

About 15 minutes into the video the man I saw earlier appears.

“I was wondering if I could have a few minutes of your time,” he says as he pulls out a chair and takes a seat.

I giggle under my breath and smirk as he begins his speech.

“I, uh, I saw you and I would love the opportunity to get to know you better….”

Blah Blah Blah

He’s looking confident, yet nervous about my reaction so I decide to fuck with him.

“So, what you’re saying is, you wanna make out with me?”

His eyes grow wide. “Um, well if that’s what you want then we can do that.”

“Do you want to do it with me?” I ask.

“Um.. No. Not really.”

“Are you sure you haven’t thought about it yet?” I give him the EYE.

“Um, no. I haven’t.”

I laugh. “Well i just want to tell you, if you approach all of your goals the way you just approached me you are going to get everything that you want from life.”

He smiled. “Does that mean I can get your number?”

“Um. I’m a little busy here but if you come back in 30 minutes you can walk with me to the bus stop.”

“I was about to leave but, ok,” he says and dissappears.

30 minutes later I’m signing out and collecting more paperwork and he walks into the center doors. We walk outside and the weather is perfect so we stroll down the street. Not only is he unemployed, he doesn’t have a car or a real phone and he’s in technical school and this dude is older than ME. And to top all that off, he has a vibe of hopelessness about him. In fact, he says, “Trying to meet women is hopeless. I just want someone I can talk to and hang out with sometimes.”

“Maybe you should focus on getting yourself in a better position to be able to add to a woman’s life,” I suggest.

“I’m doing that,” he says. “But I still want someone to be around right now.”

“Look, you have everything you need to be successful,” I say as I take inventory of his strong demeanor and 6 foot slim frame. He’s fine.

“You’re FINE. You have confidence. Go do something with it.”

“I will, but I want to start by getting you to call me.”

I’m a little annoyed with myself by this time.

“What is it that you do?” he asked me. “I mean what did you do before you had to go to the unemployment center.”

Ummm…

“Well,” My head spun in circles as I decided how to answer. Should I tell him that I was months away from getting my masters degree but I quit? Should I describe how I spent a year living in my car and on the streets to make my dream of being a journalist come true? Should I describe myself as a coach, a writer, a documentary maker, a philosopher, an author?

I am none of those things right now.

Right now I am nothing.

I am nothing.

And the realization nearly brought tears to my eyes.

I am NOT defined by my past or the career I have.

I am NOTHING.

And here he was, a handsome young man who was faltering at creating stability yet, he still thought he should have a chance at having someone who loved him.

I used to define myself by my work. I felt so proud to say, “I am a graduate student and I am becoming a Relationship Therapist.” It gave me credibility. Clout. It meant I was going places.

But now that I don’t have that. I am NOTHING.

I am NOTHING.

And I’ve never felt so free. If someone is going to want to be around me, they won’t do it because I fit into what they envision success is. If someone wants to be around me, it’ll be because they treasure ME.

So I woke up from my trance, my revelation, and the dude was still talking.

“Dude. Look. I am not what you think I am. You just like me cuz I’m pretty.”

“I just want someone to talk to,” he explained, which infuriated me.

I want someone I can learn from too and most people I meet don’t give a damn about the things I care about. I have lots to teach him but what the fuck could he do for me?

I said goodbye and hopped on my bus. I switched buses and sat down for the rest of the ride. I was lost in my thoughts when my phone rang and it was Tamara.

“Tee, I need you to help me,” she said. “I’m starting to get scared. Do you remember when I told you before that I think I’m a jinx with men? You know how for some reason, every man I’m with loses everything he has once I get with him. I’m scared. One of Mack’s stores is failing right now. I’m wondering if it’s my fault.”

My mind goes back in time to Tamara’s past relationships. She meets men who are wildly successful and flourishing. Both of her children are from NFL football players, well, they were before they met her.

I can see where she’s going with this so I take a few seconds to decide on my approach.

“Prince. I can see how you’re feeling right now. You care so much about him that you figure his successes are your successes and his failures are a reflection of you. It’s not. The reason why you witnessed these hard times with the men wasn’t because of you, it was a blessing for THEM. They went through those hard times with you by their side and that is why they were able to get through them. I bet if you called any of those dudes they would say they would never choose anyone else to go through a disaster with because you held them down. You are not a jinx. You were their angel.”

She was silent for a moment before saying, “I never thought of it that way, Tee.”

“Now go be a blessing to Mack tonight,” i told her.

“I’m picking up dinner for him right now,” she said. “I hope it makes him feel better.”

“Me too,” I agreed. “And please, next time you want to describe how your man is depressed because ONE of his businesses isn’t generating the revenue it was generating last year please find someone else to talk to cuz that shit was so sexy! Prince! I DREAM about having a conversation like that with a man I’m with! OMG! That’s sexy as fuck! You’re gonna make me want him and then you’re gonna get mad at me cuz I will fuck him and we’re not gonna be friends after that.”

She laughed. “Tee. You’re crazy. I didn’t realize it until you said it. That was kinda hot.”

“Dude. For real? I just met a man who had to walk me to the bus stop. He couldn’t even buy me a bottle of water.”

I then tell Tamara about my revelation. “I am nothing, Prince. I am nothing.”

“I don’t like the way that sounds,” she says “but I get what you are trying to say. It actually reminds me of this episode of Millionaire Matchmaker where this dude, I mean, he was a millionaire and all but I liked him because he lived on an island and he did NOTHING all day. He just hung out and read and explored. He barely spent any money because he would catch his food and cook it himself. He said he wanted somebody to do nothing with.”

I gasped. “Prince!”

“Yep,” she confirmed. “What if this revelation is a sign for you that you might meet someone who has the resources where you both can just do NOTHING together?”

OMG!

“What if life isnt about chasing degrees and accolades and awards and status? What if I can really just meet someone and then say, I don’t do ANYTHING and they want to join me?”

“Yep. It could happen,” Prince affirmed.

That would be hot!

The bus ride took more than an hour and I sat there laughing to myself about the day’s events. My sons called and I told them to ask their Daddy to drop them off for the weekend. They seemed excited. I know I am!

Once I got off the bus I walked to the grocery store to pick up a sub and then walked through downtown. I’m just smiling to myself when I recognize a familiar face.

It’s this chick from my class, with her sexy ass. This bitch is like Spanish or some shit and her personality is amazing. She reminds me of me except thinner and her long dark hair is so beautiful. She’s with her boyfriend and she introduces me. I laugh. I had a feeling she was feeling me by the convos we had in class. Once she said, “You should come over and let my boyfriend cook for us.”

“I moved here,” she says. “I live on Montrose. 1356 Montrose. Apartment B.”

“So you want me to just show up at your house and knock on your door anytime I want?” I asked and glanced over at her boyfriend who is smiling at her.

“Yes,” she says and looks at me.

“Ok,” I say. “See you later.”

I laugh and laugh the whole way home. I stop by the store on the way and ask the store clerk, “Do you know how to read palms?” He laughs. “No, but I can read faces.”

I laugh. “See ya!”

I continue my walk and wave to various people hanging out. When I round the last corner I see a woman standing in the distance. She’s smiling in my direction. I turn around to see if someone is behind me but there isn’t. As I walk on and get closer she says, “Look its the crazy girl from the Circle.”

I laugh. I recognize her. It’s the chick who walked with me the other day. The one who knew everything about me.

She looks different. She has a full head of weave now. I walk over to her and she quickly turns away. “Goodnight,” she says, playing the game raw.

“Stop.” I command.

She stops.

“Where are you going?”

“Oh. Inside my house. Isn’t that what people do when they get home,” she’s smiling so BIG. She’s cute.

“Look,” I say and shift my bag from one shoulder to the next. “You appeared in my dreams the other night.”

Her eyes lit up. “Oh really?”

“Yep. You were sick on the couch and I asked you what’s wrong and you said you didn’t know.”

She laughed and turned away walking toward her apartment. “Goodnight!” she called out. “I still don’t know your name!”

I laughed and walked on, hustling inside my own place.

This bitch think I’m crazy. She know my damn name and I ain’t sweating that hoe. She cute but I ain’t pressed to be with nobody. I like the way she vibe though. I bet you I can get her if I wanted to.

But I don’t think I want to.

I wonder if she can cook.

LOL

Last weekend a woman reached out to me from my past through facebook. She’s in town. She wants to meet up. My heart started aching. I didn’t feel a good vibe.

So when she sent me her number I called and spoke with her for a bit but in the end I decided I didn’t want to vibe with her like that. But really, she was one of my closest friends from undergrad until just about the time I was about to graduate. Now, I want nothing to do with her. Her vibe is icky to me. I must have really changed a lot and most of my friends have shifted with me or else we still wouldn’t be friends.

This made me think of Sylvia and how we don’t even speak anymore. When Sylvia disappears its usually a signal that my life is about to change dramatically. I realized this the last time we had it out and then after we reconnected I realized that Sylvia can not handle the journey that I am on. She would freak out by ALL of my decisions and say that I am mentally ill because I take risks no one we know ever would and my goals are not centered around having a job and a husband.

I don’t think of myself as a risky person, I just follow what I believe is right for me. If I’m not feeling that a situation is a good fit, I walk away. I do not try to make it fit. Ever. I don’t sit and complain about it- I change it.

I know who I am and even through my evolution I know what it is that I am looking for. It’s not a destination. It’s a feeling. It’s a vibration that envelops me blissfully.

I’ve felt it before.

I feel it whenever I get on stage to perform.

I feel it when I’m spearheading a new project.

I feel it when I’m studying and my perspective changes because I’ve learned something new.

I feel it when I’m with my sons.

I feel it when I’m meditating.

I feel it when I’m writing.

I feel it when I’m talking with my best friend and my little sister.

I feel it when my Mama makes me laugh.

I’ve felt it with one man. His spirit spoke to mine and even though I know he was often frustrated with me, I still went back for more of that connection because in that feeling place, I felt like I was home.

I was talking to my sister the other day and trying to explain how I was feeling at the time and she said, “You know what you need?”

“What?”

“You need a family. You’re all alone over there, all the time. You need someone to come home to who will tell you ‘Girl, shut up’ when you’re too much into your feelings.”

That made me laugh.

I sure do get into my feelings a lot. I’m a Cancer.

I know what I like and don’t like.

I only do what I want to do.

If I don’t like it I’m not doing it, and this way, everything I do, I prosper in.

Well, I’m actually going to try to clean up. Who am I kidding? Ok, OK. I’ll try.

Oh God, I’m a mess. LOL

Yo. I heard my neighbors having sex last night.

It was like 1:45 in the morning and I’m reading and being enlightened and shit when I hear, “Ohhh!”

I look around the room. WTF?

Then I hear it again, “Ohhhh!” Then I hear a smack. Then another smack.

Then something banging on the wall. Bang. Bang. Bang. Smack. Smack. Smack. Ohhhh!

I jumped up and crept to the window and listened.

Then I smiled and…

You know what I did.

It was the best ever!

I needed that!

I’m not friendly.

But it’s because I have to be that way. If I allow anyone and everyone into my life then I’d be overrun by all their requests. I’m not sure it’s because I’m ‘special’, I think it’s more that people can feel that I truly do care and am not judgmental and they love that.

I learned about the term Empath maybe 5 years ago but I hadn’t revisited the psychological description since. It made sense to me. It set me free. I used to think I was seriously an alien but now I know my personality is a gift. I’m still trying to figure out how to use it though. If you read through my blog archives you may get a better sense of my personality but if you don’t have time you can scroll through this list.

I’m an Empath which means:

I am extremely sensitive in my senses.
I hate loud music blaring from the radio. I don’t like crowded places. I sometimes smell things that others don’t smell, including my own body odor which makes me paranoid about smelling good. I savor foods with strong tastes like garlic; I LOVE GARLIC and onions and hot sausages. Eating food is an event for me and I often shop and get foods that have all the different textures so I can enjoy them.

I can feel other people’s emotions.
I can tell when something is wrong with my friend before she calls me to tell me about it. Once I felt this sad feeling and I called my BBDD to ask him what’s going on. He lied and said everything was fine but later admitted that he had gotten fired. As a counselor in training this was overwhelming for me because I cried when the clients cried and I felt anger when the client was anger. I get depressed over other people’s situations. It will keep me up at night. On the flip side, I understand what people are going through so I don’t judge them harshly. I can tell that he said that because he’s insecure and hurting or she did that because she is intimidated by me. People get away with a lot when it comes to me because i understand why they are doing it and I forgive.

I can’t listen to or watch pictures/movies of negative events.
I do not own a TV. When I did I never turned it on except to watch Millionaire Matchmaker or Kanye West or the Golden Girls and that was usually a few times a year. The thought of violence or an image of violence depresses me severely. That’s why over the years being abused has affected my spirit so much. Sometimes I think it has MADE me more empathetic. I’m more sensitive to the hurts of others because of all the bruises from men beating up on me.

I absolutely CAN NOT watch the news at all. If I’m at my Mom’s house and she turns it on, I have to leave. I am immediately filled with a sense of dread and I feel like I should die. I hate hearing negative stories about people being taken advantage of and I definitely can not participate in taking advantage of someone. I will have to confess. Don’t do any dirt around me or expect me to help you hurt someone or cover it up. I can’t.

I can’t help but HELP.
Well, I used to be way more into this than I am now but before it felt like a compulsion. If someone needed help, I HAD to do it. I couldn’t stop myself. If someone needed money I would give it. If someone needed a ride, I’d do it. Whatever it was I had to volunteer. But last summer when i lived with this couple who were the opposite and it hurt me tremendously, I learned how to look the other way and I’m better at allowing people to do for themselves.

I can tell what people’s motives are even when they try to hide it. I can FEEL a lie.
This is so hard to deal with because sometimes a lie isn’t the worst thing but I can usually tell when a person is lieing to me or when they are trying to manipulate me. Sometimes I’ll go along with it, just to see how slimy the person is, if i don’t think it will hurt me much to go along. I can hear the motive behind the words you speak or the questions you ask. Once a guy asked me, “When did you blah blah blah?” What he really meant was, “When did you realize you liked me?” So instead of answering the cover up question, I answered the real question. I can tell when a man really likes me. I can feel it. I can always tell when my children’s father is being spiteful and it hurts. Sometimes I wish I walked int he fog but I see clearly. It’s not a voice, its a KNOWING.

I can FEEL if a person’s ideals match with mine.
Today I had this weird feeling about a woman I knew from a long time ago and I didn’t want to keep that feeling because I love her as a friend so I confronted it by calling her and keeping her on the phone long enough so that I can feel her vibe. My feeling was right. We aren’t on the same page with ideals, which means, she is probably a critical and gossiping person who will harm others if it benefits her and cover it up very well. Not saying she’s a BAD person, she’s just not a good match for ME because I can’t have those type of conversations where I just bash someone. I love myself too much to point out the flaws in others all the time. We see in others what we see in ourselves.

I need a break from people.
There’s nothing like the end of the day when I rush home and take off my bra and breathe deeply because, I’m alone. I can only take socializing for a few hours at a time before I either have to go sit in my car and calm down or go home because it’s too much. My friends hate this because they claim I am the life of the party and they hate when I leave or refuse to go out. I just can’t take all that mayhem and I need recovery time.

I can sense what is about to happen through my intuition.
But only in my own life as for right now. I can feel when a major change is about to occur and I listen to my intuition when it tells me what to do. Once my intuition said, “Take your things. This will be your last day at work.” And then I got fired. Another time my intuition said, “Take a picture.” and I needed that picture later on down the road. Another time my intuition said, “He is about to lose everything,” and he did. I remember thinking, “I don’t see myself graduating from this program,” and I had to drop out. Once I was getting my nails done and I saw a flash of an image of a man in my mind and the words in my heart said, “You are about to meet someone special.” The next day I met that man although I didn’t remember the vision until months later. He became the president of the company I worked for.

I wish I could see some GOOD things though! Seems my intuition warns me of losses or maybe I just pay attention to those messages more clearly.

Today was such a beautiful day!

I woke up smiling and laughing. Then I did my favorite thing: I opened my laptop to start writing. I wrote two new articles that I’ve been meaning to write and they came out well.

I called my friend Tonya to chat about her date she had last week. Things didn’t turn out the way she hoped they would which inspired me to draft the outline for my 3rd article for the day.

As I sat cross legged on my bed, running my mouth, telling her stories about my eventful week last week, I stopped mid sentence when I realized, “Tonya, don’t I sound different when I talk about dating women than I do when I talk about men?”

“VERY different,” she said.

My heart kinda sank. What if I really do like girls more? What if I am gay for real? When I meet men I feel a sense of dread, like, “What is HE going to try to do to hurt me?” When I flirt with a woman I feel excitement in my body and my spirit. It’s not like I have had a great love with a woman yet and I KNOW from experience that women can be just as shady as men but I just have a soft spot for them and I like interacting with them. With men, I always try to convince them they won’t love me when they get to know me and I don’t take any of them seriously or treat them with respect because I don’t care, they won’t be in my life long anyway.

I sighed as I hung up the phone with her but then shook off that vibe of confusion.

Then I stood up, stretched and looked out the window. Wow. Today is a total beach day. I imagined myself putting on my bathing suit and taking the bus to the beach. I looked toward my closet and said – NOT.

But I didn’t want to miss the chance to allow the sun to kiss my face so I took a shower, put on my favorite yellow sundress with no underwear and no bra and I slid my feet into my flip flops.

I walked outside, basking in the late afternoon sunlight. My phone rang and I smiled- it’s my boys!

We chatted and chatted about everything.

“Mama, did you know we went to our football banquet and got trophies!”

“That’s awesome! How many do you have in total now?”

“Do medals we wear around our necks count?” my younger son asked.

“Sure do!” I said.

“Well then we have four each. 8 in total.”

“Aww man! I got a lot of catching up to do. I only have two! I’m gonna beatcha!”

They laughed and told me, “We’re at the park right now by ourselves.”

“By yourselves?! Why?!!!”

“Daddy dropped us off. We brought the football so we’re playing and hanging out.”

“By yourselves?!!!”

“Yes Mama. This isn’t the first time.”

“But who’s going to watch you to make sure no one bothers you?”

“Mama. We’re in (insert name of neighborhood) it’s not like this is Liberty City,” my older son quipped.

“Smart aleck!”

He laughed. I can’t believe my boys are so independent. I still hold their hands when we cross the street and I still lotion them down when they get out of the shower. I still cradle them in my arms and rock them like babies because they like it when I do that. Their Daddy is allowing them to grow up and it hurts. I try to remind myself that I have two football playing boys but I just love my sugarpops and want to cuddle them and give them treats so they will smile. They’re my Coo Coo bears. My love buttons.

“Look, I want to tell you something. Mommy is studying palm reading.”

“What’s that?”

“Look at the lines on your palms, they tell a story. You can learn a lot about your life path by looking at the way the lines are shaped and curved.”

“For real?”

“Yes, baby. I’m studying it so next time I see you I will be able to read your future.”

“Um, ok Mama.”

I laughed. My son began to sing the opening lines from my latest poem,
She’s beautiful She’s sexy I want her Get next to me

She’s bossy She’s messy Anxiety Bad breath too
I laughed and finished the poem, reciting it as I continued to walk to the grocery store.

“Mama, is that poem about you?” my son asked.

“Yes.”

“Well, you ARE messy,” he noted.

“I know it and I love it!”

We hung up soon after and I walked home feeling the breeze flow through my sundress directly on my bare booty.

A man walked by smiling a BRIGHT smile and I returned it. “Do you mind if I walk with you?” he asked.

“Not at all. What kind of pizza do you have there?” I asked inhaling the strong scent.

“Green peppers and onions,” he told me. He then told me about a homeless person who asked for a slice.

“I felt bad about not giving him one but my friend and I went half on this pizza and I don’t like the idea of giving her the box and a slice is missing so I just gave the man $2. Then he asked for some change.”

“Don’t give them money,” I warned them remember my last encounter with a homeless woman who I see all the time and usually give money to. “Cuz the moment you don’t have any cash to give they are going to go off and cause a scene.”

Just before we parted ways he said to me, “You look perfect today.”

I smiled. I love it when I get compliments, especially when I’m not wearing makeup.

“Thank you,” I blushed.

“God wasn’t PLAYIN when he made you!”

Awww…

“But he did one thing wrong,” the man began.

“What?” I asked.

“If I were him I would have kept you to myself.”

Awww…………..

I said goodbye and walked home SMILING so bright and so big. When I got home I snatched off that dress and walked around naked for a little while before choosing a t shirt to wear. I sat on my bed and opened my laptop to write and then I paused as I realized-

Today is such a beautiful day.

I feel so happy inside.

I haven’t had anxiety ALL DAY!

I feel so good, so peaceful. It feels euphoric.

I think leaving grad school and my internship has something to do with it. I love living like this, total freedom to create, write inspirational articles and learn. It’s hard trying to explain to people why finishing grad school wasn’t the best idea for me and I understand their frustration. They know I have talent and they want the world to see me shine and they feel like if I keep walking away from things before I can be noticed for what I do I will never get the chance to shine.

But I don’t know how to change that. All I know is that when I don’t like doing something I don’t want to do it. I feel like I’m being led and every decision I make is a set up for my greatest future. I feel like I do make the best choices for my life. I feel like this is what I was supposed to do.

I remember in December how I “felt” that I should quit one of my jobs. My friend Anna tried to talk me out of it but I didn’t listen because I only do what I think I should do and I respect no one’s opinion above my own because no one can guide me toward my best future but ME.

I’m glad i didn’t listen. I resigned as soon as I felt that nudge and then days later my restaurant fired me. I was surprised but look how it worked out. The day job I had was only temporary. I knew i had to quit that job before school started. If I had not resigned on the DAY I resigned and then I had gotten fired from my restaurant I would not have been eligible for unemployment once I had to quit my day job so I could intern. My intuition was leading me. I trusted it and now I’m okay.

Everything is divine and in order and I am well connected to my highest self. I know it looks crazy and scary, especially to people who follow the beaten path but I’m always ok. I go through things, like I’m going through something right now, but I’m okay most days.

I can handle this life. I mean, maybe it wasn’t meant for me to be in the public eye. I’d like to be able to take care of myself and my sons and drive a car and have a nice home and somehow I know it’s going to happen.

But for now, I just want to continue to live in this euphoria. Many would disagree but that’s okay. I feel like life should be about JOY. I have that now, at least today. I hope I can make it through the night because when the night falls, I tend to get a little scared and start thinking about things that don’t make me feel good like focusing on other people’s fears for me.

I know I’m different and a little weird and crazy, like most people say but shit, that’s Tee. If I’m wrong for being ME then why did God make me this way?

There’s got to be a place out there for me. A career situation that I will want to stay in and prosper. An arrangement that will bring joy to my spirit and allow me to feel free and alive like I feel right now.

It’s coming.