Month: September 2010

A DL friend of mine and I were chatting about a girl she’s interested in. I looked her up.. don’t act like yall don’t do it too. LOL..and my first thought was, “Um..she looks just like you.”

She replied, “I know..I’m a perfect narcissist!”

That made me smile and even further confirmed that we are attracted to people who resemble ourselves in most ways and even in physical features. We are also often attracted to people who have qualities that we want to develop in ourselves.

The super beautiful stud I was FIRST attracted to, just LOOKED like someone I wanted to be around. It was her quiet demeanor and flawless look that turned my head and blew my mind…

The next chick I saw on South Beach (she’s on DL too) was like whoa.. It was her beautiful spirit that attracted me to her. She seemed so calm and so in control.

My internet girlfriend…whooo….to me she looked like she could be my sister! I was so taken by her beauty that I HAD to send a request and we ended up hitting it off and falling in cyber love! LOL She was a jokester. I’m not. I loved that about her.

The cute stud I hung out with last weekend is a social butterfly. She flitters from club to club when she feels like it, laughing and talking to everyone. Everyone loves her.

Man… that flawless look, that beautiful spirit and that bright, social personality are all qualities that i don’t possess, but i wish I did.

That is what leads me to be attracted. I am attracted to people who have qualities that I do not have. I wrote about it once in a research paper called Motivating Factors that Influence Attraction.

The factor that I find most appealing is Identity Enhancement. It’s where you are attracted to people who you feel will somehow help you enhance who you are as a person.

What factors motivate you to become attracted?

My cute stud friend makes me laff and laff and LAFF!!! ALL DAY! She’s so funny! She’s weird. Unusual even. She doesn’t act like a regular dude but she’s not girly. Sometimes she has an alternate personality that she named Marcus and he’s a gay boy. She goes, “Listen honey…” and I crack up…

When I’m reaching for my happy thought to keep me in a good mood all day all I have to do is think of her and then I smile.

One time I told her I was about to go to work and then come see her afterwards and she asked me to bring her some biscuits. I said okay. Then she asked for some potatoe soup. I said OK. “No, bring me 4 big tubs of potatoe soup,” she requested loudly.

I laughed. “I can’t bring all that, I’ll bring you a bowl though.”

“Why?”

“Because I have to pay for it? Duh.”

“WHAT?” she gasped. “Everybody knows that food tastes better when its stolen!”

LOL

And one time, I questioned her about the fact that she is in grad school and can’t work while she’s in clinicals. “How do you make money?” I wanted to know.

She paused and whispered solemnly, “Verrry carefully….”

LOL

And one time I said, “What if I start having a crush on you?” She didn’t hesitate to reply, “That ALWAYS happens. I have that affect on women, you’ll get over it.”

LOL

One time, she was telling me how she was a band geek when she was younger and she would go to band camp and everybody was having sex all over the place. “What about you?” I asked. “Who were you with?”

“Oh,” she replied matter of factly. “It was just me and my drum…”

She makes me laff so much!

I appreciate her giving me so many happy thoughts.

So I just got out of my first counseling session with my new counselor. He smiled at me as he opened the door and introduced himself.

After the initial assessment, he placed the note pad on the table and asked, “Now what is it that you’d like to work on?”

I took a deep breathe and said, “My intense fear/hatred/loathing/disgust for men.”

He crossed his legs and sat back.

“This must be a bit alarming to have me as a counselor isn’t it?”

“No. I’m good. Let’s see what happens.”

He’s young. Maybe in his mid 30’s. He’s black. Wire framed glasses. Slim build. Working on his PHD in Counseling.

I gave him some personal history. Told him my objectives.

“I want to be able to encounter a man and not feel threatened by him. I want to know that he has no power over me. I want to be free to love women without feeling like I’m doing it because I am afraid of men. I want to teach others how to do the same.”

We chatted a bit, and I learned from his observations that i am very well capable of intellectualizing the fearful situations that I encounter with men which is a good way of dealing with the issue… However he suggested that I stop analyzing the WHY’S of why men may interact with me in a certain way and instead acknowledge and proccess my own feelings IN that moment.

“What is processing?”

“It’s allowing yourself to FEEL how you want to feel instead of bottling it up for later.”

“I did that last night,” I shared. “I was feeling overwhelmed and I wanted to cry but I saved it for later.”

He smiled. “That’s appropriate in most situations but you are allowed to FEEL while you’re in the moment and you are allowed to NOT know what is causing it. Sometimes we just…don’t know. Sometimes we can’t explain things away and that’s ok.”

I asked for specific techniques based on his educational background and he shared that he is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, the lot of whom operate under the belief system that our thoughts create our reality and perspective. I’m down with that.

He gave me homework: Write down a list of thoughts you have concerning men. We’ll go through the list and discuss which ones are irrational.

“You do know that all men are not out to attack you?” He asked cautiously.

I rolled my eyes. I raised my eyes from the notepad that I held as i scribbled notes as he spoke and glared at him. My emotions immediately igniting an obvious disgust for him and his contemptuous remark. WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT?! YES THEY ARE!

THEY WANNA FUCK! THEY WANT MONEY! THEY WANT TO MAKE SURE I BELIEVE THAT I AM UNLOVEABLE! THEY ARE OUT TO SABOTAGE ME AND KEEP ANYONE ELSE FROM LOVING ME!

But I kept quiet and kept writing. It’s funny that as I am in counseling seeking help for myself, my main focus is to heal so that I can be of service to others by sharing what I learned. I asked him if on a personal note, he thought this was a good idea. I mean, my purpose for wanting to heal…being rooted in my next creative project…ummm….not in just…my desire to enjoy life more freely. Is that healthy?

“Yeah,” he said. “It will work for you.”

Good. I’m not gonna deal with this forever. This is gonna stop affecting me on a daily basis. I’m gonna get rid of this…somehow.

I woke up this morning…chest all heavy…determined to get on the bud and go to work. Then my phone rings and its Sylvia and she says, “Tee. You need to go to the hospital. This is no joke.”

So I hang up and call my friend Jenn. She comes in her black jag to pick me up and take me to the ER. WOW> Everytime I see her I can’t believe that we’ve become friends where I can call and ask for help like that but we are…

So I go in..tell them just what I need..I need an oxygen treatment with some albuterol. Nothing else. And I need some prescriptions for a new inhaler.

An hour later..my hands are shaking from the oxygen and the medicine and the steroids they gave me to strengthen my lungs. I remember dealing with asthma a LOT when I was a jit. My Mama says she smoked during my entire pregnancy cuz she didnt care..but would then cuss me out when she had to take me to the hospital because i was having an attack..

My Mama raw… She don’t give a fuck.. She does what she wants…and she is who she is..fuck the craziness….

While I was there I had a lot of time to think… And I thought about how everything changes from one minute to the next and you never know…

How I’m without a car in this moment..but it could crank up at any time. I just need to keep trying… But its raining again. Sucks. How I should never have driven in the storm. I just..really needed food and medicine and was starving and trying to get better..But you can’t really go back.

Today i rested a whole bunch after going by to check on my car. Its still there. Still won’t start. So I came home and slept..and slept.. my body still hurts and my breathing is a little labored but MUCH better than this morning. My friend told me they stopped smoking. I was so happy!

I mentioned stopping smoking to them a while ago and we all said we should..but they (a couple) actually did it. And I’m gonna follow suit. To be honest, I don’t have the best breath due to so much dental work that needs to be done PLUS I smoke so thats why I don’t get to make out often. No one wants to come near me. Plus..my friend says if I don’t eat well, its all affects my hygiene.

Today I was reading (oh snap..LOL I just remembered I was reading some erotic literature- MY PORN OF CHOICE) but I learned something. I learned that in the caveman days when we were afraid or felt in danger our bodies would emit this odor from our armpits and our crotches to keep predators away. It made me think of the times when I was in stressful situations and I felt like this…SMELL come from me and I couldnt stop it for a while.. My friend helped me with that too…

I think…my body is wired for the caveman days. You know..I have that fight or flight thing going on with men and then I used to deal with that ODOR thing that I was super embarrassed about but is really innate to humans

Blah… Don’t I just…suck? I keep thinking about my cute stud friend. Its a mixture of frustration and intrigue. She’s so unusual. I just wanna keep her and question her about her life and look at pictures from when she was little and meet her parents and family so i can see what kind of environment created this type of girl… Cuz she’s so unusual.

but…the socialized chick in me is saying DONT SWEAT THAT HOE! She got a girl.. She aint payin u no attention. She doesn’t want to be your friends. you’re just a time filler because her girl can’t get to her. But…I haven’t really thought of her in a sexual way..

I just like her personality. What the fuck kind of girl is she? I don’t understand. Ok. Let me stop lieing. Today..for the first time..I wondered what it would be like to sit in her lap and make out with her… I know..Im bad. I been a bad girl though…

Funny thing is..She said I could blog about her…I hope she wants to make it a good story…