Month: August 2010

I’ve been missing…I know.

I’m sorry. I broke my laptop a while back and haven’t been able to buy a new one. I finally got a library computer card so I walked to the library and now I’m able to share my world again.

It’s funny..I can’t go back and tell the stories that I should have told so I’ll just start from today.

Today I am…

Nervous…because I…Well.. I kinda.. I know.. I just…I… I feel like.. I’m.. I’m just.. Man I can’t even write it out like that without trembling yet..

I have to..

So for real…

Um..

I think I’m like..gay…

So yeah. Its weird.

Cuz all the dudes I’ve fucked in the past and all the heartache and all the pain and all the yearning to be loved and all the pushing them away immediately feeling like something is wrong with Me…wondering why it was an automatic instinct NOT to be with them. Feeling like it was WRONG. Wanting it to work but sabotaging it on purpose cuz I just didn’t feel right…

Bi sexual.. Whatever. I don’t know. It doesnt matter to me. All that matters is that.. good..great feeling I get when I’m with a woman I’m attracted to. It feels so good. It feels so good to make out with her. To touch her. To taste her. It’s been a lot of experimenting. A lot of overcoming fears. All of this took place this year. I dove right in headfirst and got bruised a lot. Learned the game a little bit. I learned that girls do the same jedi mind tricks men do..except..

except…

After being dissed by a woman, I don’t hate them all. I don’t want to run away. I just..want to try again. I still smile at girls. I still look at them. I don’t think they are ALL assholes out to hurt me. I want to be touched and eventually loved.

Also…this past weekend I was exhausted mentally and physically to the point where I went to the hospital to see what was going on. I couldn’t eat or sleep or walk or go to the bathroom. I just lay there like a zombie.

Feeling all kinds of negative thoughts floating through.

I went to the mental hospital. I checked in. I got some rest. They ran tests on my body and said there was nothing wrong. I met with the psychiatrist who just dismissed me. I’m not crazy..officially…but I am stressed out.

I love my life..I do. When I hear my kids having fun and being happy..that relaxes me.

When I see my little sister with her BIG BABY belly..that makes me smile.

When I talk to my confused and crazy bestfriend Tamara..that makes me feel needed.

Everyone is confused as to why the hell I’m getting a masters in counseling if I want to be a journalist but I don’t see why they are confused. My bachelors in journalism has served me well and ultimately that is what i want to do for a living but the WISDOM I’ve gained from my masters program will stay with me for a lifetime. It will add so much value to my writing. I know it will.

How can I find a proper way to fuse the two? I’m nto sure. I don’t know. I don’t even know how I’ll get an internship in the new year. I decided to focus on one thing at a time. For now, it’s getting another car. After that it will be finding a new place to live. Finishing this semester.

Small things. When I stop thinking about my GRAND VISION for my life and do it in much smaller chunks, I am better equipped to measure my success. I have to think smaller. one thing at a time. One thing. It’s cool that I change my mind. That I try different things and then when I see it’s becoming too easy I move on…

I don’t like being bored.

Right now I’m looking for a new job. I want to get off my feet for my final year of grad school. I want to move away from serving. I’m bored with it and my body is tired from it.

I want to write again, to create again. I want to write again, to create again. To receive financial abundance from that creativity.

I saw an opportunity that I’d be perfect for. I applied. I always do. I find perfect opportunities but none of them have panned out so far.

I’ll keep trying..

I’m so grown now. I’m 31. I’m so happy now. I’m so happy that I’m not miserable and blaming shit on others anymore. That feel so fucking liberating. my life is MY responsibility.

And I’m so happy I started dating girls. They’re so beautiful. So beautiful. So complex and sweet. And..I wanna touch’em.

And hold them..

I had a girl for 3 weeks but…she wasn’t right for me. She didn’t value me. Same story… But I KNOW..just like ALL the men from my past, she’ll think of me often…and after she experiences one or two more women she’ll wish she had treated me better.

They ALL do that…they don’t value me until they mature then they come back professing that they never loved anyone like they loved me.

They ALL do that…

Kinda sucks for me huh?

But still..she was awesome..and I wouldn’t change a minute of it because…she made me feel so happy. So happy.

I can’t wait to meet another beautiful chick…

Hey…

Wanna hear my latest poem? Its so cute.

Anyway… I’m up over here… headache just went away. I’m ignoring this girl’s phone calls because I don’t like her like that. Still no laptop but I believe one is on the way. I have been so stressed out..but now that my headache is gone and I read today’s Note From The Universe..I realize why.

It’s because I’ve been trying to figure everything out myself. I don’t KNOW where I’ll be living or how I’ll manage to get to class. I am hoping so hard and SEARCHING for a job where my gifts and talents are appreciated and valued and I am compensated for what I have to offer but nothing has come of that yet. I keep sowing seeds. Reaching out to directors. Creating more inspirational work. I don’t know of anything that I have not done to make my dreams come true. All I can do is keep sowing seeds and keep grinding and wait…

I kinda miss that girl too. You know…my first..well..the first girl I actually went down on. She was so cute and funny and she knew how to handle my personality so well. I wonder what woulda happened had we both been the type to hang on instead of give up.

Oh well..

We lasted for 3 weeks..that’s a record for me. I hope she’s well.

I posted on my facebook status a quote from a woman I admire. She said: “Are you really happy? No one ever tries to run away from happiness. If you’re happy somewhere, you usually want to DIE there.”

This makes me think of my job. I love what I do. For real…if I didn’t need this job to make money I’d still do it. I think the pressure of needing money from it is what makes it so unbearable at times.

But it really is my pleasure to serve…

But its…its gotten to the point where I’m wanting something different you know. To serve in a different way. I can’t imagine how and my note from the universe today said:

“It’s one trick, Ms. Tee, to manifest exactly what you want.
It’s another to bring about something even better. Leave the door open, The Universe”

I’m still trying to figure out what this all means.

I know I want and need a new car, a place to live and a new laptop and a steady income that can actually take care of me.

I don’t know how I will get it.

I know it will come somehow. I have my heart all set on a specific car that I saw and fell in love with. I hope I can get it AND get all the other things but I don’t know how…

I wish I could get away for a little while… just go drive off and chill on the beach. I miss that. Earlier this summer that’s all I did…every morning..head to the beach to tan and just talk to the Universe…

Now I feel so trapped…trapped at this job, trapped in this house..trapped by life…

I love the feeling of being free…

But the feeling is really within me…

I want to be… surrounded by people who appreciate me. people who see me and see the love I have to offer as genuine and real. people who aren’t trying to contain me for their own personal benefit but want me in their lives because they gain from it and aren’t afraid to share their gains with me.

I just…want to be appreciated for what I bring to the table.. I bring a lot…

One day…one day… one day…

Right?

Right…