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Unapologetically—HER

On Sunday morning I got off work, picked up my boys from their Dad’s house, had breakfast at BK and then went to see my Mama. I was energized from a great night at Denny’s but my body was starting to ache.

As soon as they walked inside the house my boys ran straight to their Granddaddy’s room and I parked on the leather chairs in the living room beside my Mama who was watching some weird movie and eating breakfast.
“Hey Mama,” I yawned and pulled my shoes off.
She took a long swig from her coffee cup and looked over at me, shaking her head and staring at the Denny’s logo on my shirt.

“What?” I asked.

“You’re a…Denny’s worker.”

I laughed. “Yeah so?”

She shook her head again and stared ahead at the TV screen. “You didn’t have to go to college to do that, you know.”
I laughed. “Mama! I like it. I really like being a server!”

She shook her head again. “You could have been an overpaid secretary making $40,000 a year but instead…you wanna sling hash browns. Shame.”

“But I LOVE being a server. Treating people well. Taking care of them,” I explained, grinning.

“You could have been licking stamps and talking on the phone, but you’d rather throw pancakes at people. Shame.”

I couldn’t stop laughing.

There’s one thing about my Mama that I can always respect. She is unapologetically—HER.

Even when I was young and I’d get mad at her for not being like the Moms I read in books, you know- sweet, encouraging, affectionate, loving. I’d complain and she’d say, “Now you got something to tell your therapist. Get the fuck out my face!”

For all the times I thought she was wrong….

For all the times she hurt my feelings….

For all the times she wasn’t there for me….

She don’t give a fuck….and will let me know in a minute.

And I still love and respect her.

Sometimes I find myself explaining things to my sons, trying to help them understand why I am the way I am and do the things I do, but…it feels like a bunch of excuses to me. I’m not like my Mom in that way. I feel guilty because I know what my own concept of a “good Mama” is and Honestly, I’m not playing the role the way I pictured it in my head.

I’m just being Me. But when I look at my Mama…who NEVER lived up to the expectations I had for her which made me angry and resentful…she doesn’t give a damn…

All of that and today…I wish I was more like her.

Cuz I turned out okay and…I still love her.
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Wouldn’t It Be Nice If…

I had to send my boys to bed early. Two kids + one computer = trouble.

I wanted to watch Kanye on American Idol but since I live in a single room, while they’re falling asleep on my futon I had to turn the TV off. So..no Kanye for me tonight.

I’m sitting in the dark on the floor next to the futon typing this.

I’m ready to move. I’m ready to have my own place. While I’m grateful for where I am right now because…my roommates are the shit. They don’t bother me. They smoke out, they have fun with their friends and they’re so freakin clean! Well, I just…I just want more space than this. I have no idea how it’s going to happen or when but I know it’ll happen right on time.

I was watching some youtube videos the other night and I came across one that spoke about the Abraham-Hicks Manifestation excercise called ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if…” Just watching that video made me feel good so I decided to do the excercise myself.

Why don’t you join me? Imagine that you COULD have everything that you wanted to come into your life. Imagine that nothing was impossible. Nothing was too farfetched. Nothing was too much for you to handle. Imagine what could happen in your life that would miraculously improve it.

Don’t be afraid to list those things you REALLY want, but maybe you don’t think you deserve. You do deserve them, otherwise, they wouldn’t be a thought in your mind.

And even though you know that without those things…your life is just fine…but still…

Wouldn’t It Be Nice If….

I got a phone call out of the blue and it was an offer for a crazy amount of money asking me to do something I LOVE like host a show or help with a website?

I had a great time in Atlanta for Tamara’s birthday at the beginning of April and then I flew out to Los Angeles (plans are in the works) and I meet Kanye and then some really legitimate BIG TIME executive or producer who wants to use me on a very BIG project that utilizes my hosting producing or speaking skills?

I came back from my trip to LA in April…I turned on the TV on April 20th and watched them announce that I actually won the PULITZER? (Everytime I think about that I laugh)

Through some miracle I inherited a jillion dollars and was able to buy my own condo on the beach and pay off my student loans, drop out of grad school and just write books and produce and help people connect with their dreams?

My baby daddy called me up and asked to meet with me and we did and he apologized for all of those years of lieing to everyone about me and trying to hurt me and told me that he appreciated me being the mother of his children?

My sons invented something spectacular that caused them to be millionaires entrepreneurs before they turned 12?

Tamara got a very clear message about her soulmate and she finaly took a risk and just married him before this year was out?

I was able to give my roommates (now) $10,000 to help with their living expenses?

My sister’s life just got better and better…

Ahhh…. I’ll stop here. My sister just called and we have to call my auntie, she’s not feeling well.

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Feeling The Pain

Dear God,

I have this crazy feeling that my life is about to be turned upside down. Today I told my sons that I am taking a trip for a week. When they asked where to, I said, “Atlanta,” and my son said, “Oh no, you’re going to Georgia again.”

I almost teared up as I glanced at him through the rear view mirror.

“No baby. I’m not moving back there. I’m done with that. I’m just going for Tamara’s birthday. Then I’m going to LA to see what it’s like.”

“Well, a week isn’t a long time,” my son announced cheerfully. “But a YEAR is!”

I know what he is referring to. The year I spent hopping from city to city in search of my career. It was a hellish time and also one of adventure…but I felt so guilty for trying so hard and never making it happen consistently.

I’m crying now as I think of the Moms out there who can somehow balance their lives in a way that I have not seemed to be able to.

Me and my big dreams. Me and my inability to conform and just sit there and stick it out like most people in this world. I thought I was doing the right thing when I had them….I gave up on my dreams back then. Why did I ever go back and try again? Nothing has really happened to enable me to achieve the ONE DREAM that I most wish for….the ability to take good care of my sons.

Shit…This hurts like hell.

I want to be a good Mom. I do. I just don’t know how to do that while I am still figuring out how to support myself. That is the ONE area where people go wrong when they have kids young, at least if they are anything like me.

This hurts so much. So much. At times I feel like a failure. I know my destiny is grand. I know my path is paved and waiting yet….to look into their eyes and see them, knowing I hurt them so much when I was away and I still have nothing to show for it…it kills me.

I feel like a fool and unworthy of even being called Mommy.

I had them. I took care of them for so long…Why couldn’t I just…sit my ass down and just…work at an office and shuffle papers and shit?

Fuck.

Being unique and having a different mindset and gifting isn’t…it doesn’t seem to be worth it. I hurt for them and still I know…I have to move on and continue what I began.

This phase of my life is ending and I have no idea where I’m headed next so please watch out for for me…cuz I’m scared and I just…don’t want to hurt my sons anymore.

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Feeling Better

Oh boy!

I had a rough time last nite. The reality of my ensuing changes hit me and I fell apart for a minute, back into my old fearful self. The beautiful part about it all is the fact that after I released those negative emotions (instead of fighting to suppress them) I felt better.

Something miraculous this way comes and I’m excited to see what’s next.

No matter what happens..it will only lead to my infinite joy.

I love you and I hope you have a perfect day!

Ms. Tee

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No License To Drive

~hangs head in shame~

Last night I went to the Cafe to do my presentation and I was in a good mood when I got there. My smile got even bigger when I saw how many women were there waiting to do speed dating. Last week there were so many guys there and about 3 women so we couldn’t even do it.

But I wasn’t even ready for what happened last night. Usually, we play some games, listen to some live poets and then I get to do my 5 minute presentation about whatever topic that I want. On THIS evening we’re playing the game called “I have never’ and that is a game where everyone in the room gets a chance to stand up and make a statement about something they have never done. If anyone else in the room HAS done that same thing, then they have to stand up. For every person who stands up for that thing- a point is given to the player. The player with the most points at the end has to take a HUGE shot.

So..everyone takes their turn saying things like… “I have never…had a 3some.” “I have never kissed a girl.”

I can’t think of anything to say the whole time and by the time it’s my turn I stand up and blurt out, “I have never…brought myself to orgasm through manual stimulation.”

Everyone stood up for that one.

Guess who had to take the shot?

Yeah…So I shuffled to the stage wondering why the hell i said that cuz I know I act a fool when I drink. I tried to argue my way out of it cuz that shot is not a regular shot, it’s like 4 shots in one. 4 FULL shots.

The entire place is crowded with men and women and they’re all staring at me cheering me on.

I feel like a fucking fool as I take a sip and start swallowing…very slowly.

I finish the whole cup and walk back to my seat. I’m fine for about 5 minutes and then…

I start cussing out the guy sitting next to me cuz he’s an ass. Then I make an announcement that anyone who is speed dating should NOT try to speed date with me cuz I’m no good. That doesn’t stop this one dude from trying though….

It’s funny because I love making people feel welcome and good about themselves yet I am really an anti social person. Most times I prefer to just sit back and watch what’s going on.

And the whole speed dating thing is super cool to watch, I just…I’m not into guys like that. I’m still questioning my sexuality because of it, but, I just am not into women like that either.

Like..I am more attracted to women physically than I am to men. But I don’t want to be physical with a woman. I just find it easier to deal with women because women don’t want anything from you. When I deal with men they always have an agenda and when I don’t line up with the role they want me to play in their life..they stop being nice/friendly to me.

I don’t like that. Therefore, I don’t look forward to meeting men at all.

Plus..I know most of the men I meet at regular places have like…jobs and I’m not interested in a man who has the personality to thrive in a corporate setting. At least I don’t think I am.

I don’t know.. All I know is…The thought of meeting all of those men every week at the Cafe kind of annoys me. I’d much rather watch and see which women they like and are attracted to than pretend like I’m interested in them. I’m not fake.

So I’m too drunk to drive and my friend DEEP comes to get me. We drive to Denny’s and my co workers are laughing at me but they understand how it goes with the late night drunk crowd. After Denny’s I am feeling better so I drive up Biscayne home. I go through a yellow light and it turns red. Seconds later I see red lights in my rear view and I’m pulling over
.

My heart is beating fast because I have no idea where my license is. The officer doesn’t come up to my car, he yells through the speaker thing, “Please step out of the vehicle.”

So I do..trying to maintain my composure.

He walks over to me and I look him directly in his face to see if he’s cute or not. He is.

He asks for my license and I tell him I have to look for it. I go into my car and…I find it!

Turns out my license was suspended already because of another ticket that I got and didn’t pay for. Fuck.

He takes my license and gives me another ticket saying that they will dismiss this ticket when I pay the other one and get my license back.

Fuck. How am I gonna do that on Denny’s money? How am I gonna do that and still see my kids every week? How am I gonna get home?

Fuck.

“Can I drive home?” I ask him.

“I’m not giving you permission to drive home,” he says. “If you are pulled over again you could be arrested. Do what you have to do.”

I drive home and dive into my bed, my head is hurting and I’m feeling so bad. I text my BBDD and tell him that I can not pick the boys up for Friday night as planned because I lost my license. I ask him to let the boys call me so I can explain.

When they call me I tell them what happened, as I would have told a friend and they say, “OK Mama.” I know they are dissappointed. I am too. I thrive on seeing them. Already this week I’ve had them twice, this would have been a treat- 3 times in one week.

But it didn’t happen.

When I get off of the phone with them I see a missed text and I open it up. It’s the usual insults from my BBDD telling me that I’m a horrible parent and he’s glad my sons don’t need me..all the usual stuff he says.

I don’t feed into what he has to say anymore because his words don’t define me but…it’s kind of annoying to have in my life as a constant reminder of what NOT to fall in love with again.

I don’t know how I’m going to get this license fixed…Until I do..I’m not going anywhere but work.
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Not My Relationship But It Still Hurts

I just got a HUGE plate of food and when I opened it, my hunger went away. How crazy…

I had a crazy night at Denny’s last nite, I met this one handsome man who was born 5 days after me on the same year. He told me about his relationship issue, he cheated on his girl 4 years ago and had a daughter and his girl broke up with him. He’s still in love with the girl and they spend time together but she won’t say that she is with him. He wants her to, but she says she’s not ready.

He’s getting annoyed about waiting on her and he’s met many women in the meantime but he says he can’t get close to anyone because he doesn’t want to be tied down to anyone in case his ex comes back. I really didn’t know what to say to him about that…No advice.

In thinking about relationship woes I have to think about Tamara and her current situation. Although it’s not a woe to HER, cuz it seems that she will be getting what she has wanted for a long time; getting back with her ex, I think it’s a woe.

I’m trying to support her in what she wants and I think I’m doing a good job of it at the same time….I dont want her to get back with him. Yeah, he treats her well, they vibe well and according to her, the secks is great but…its his character that bothers me. I really don’t understand why she’s so hung up on him which makes sense because she can’t understand why she feels that way too.

You can’t help who you love…That’s what she always tells me.

I have to see this man when I go visit her for her birthday. I have to suck up my distaste for him and smile at him and laugh with him. I have to pretend that he’s someone I would welcome in my life although his character is completely opposite. Honestly, it’s making me look at HER differently. If his spirit is one that she is attracted to…maybe there’s more about HER that I don’t know or haven’t recognized yet. Like attracts like.

Ughh…I was trying to write erotica the other day, a story about a woman who fucks her bestfriends man. I wanted to explore what that would do to the dynamic of the relationship and to the two individuals in their personal development as they reach a pivotal age in their lives. When I shared my idea with Tamara she immediately said, “You really want *ex* don’t you? LOL”

That fucked my whole story up. Even though when I was writing it, I was thinking of her as the best friend, in no way and form was I thinking of HIM. She immediately put him in there although she claims he’s not her man. Yeah…right.

I couldn’t even finish the story cuz his face kept creeping up in my mind as I was writing.

I don’t know why she feels that he is what she deserves. I think she can do better. I know that’s insulting but I don’t mean it that way. Man, I don’t know. I just don’t know how I can pretend to be happy about it when I’m not. Or how she can actually invite this HOE she knows disrespected me more than once to her birthday party. Like….why? You want drama, don’t you?

I swear, friendships are wayy more complicated than romantic relationships and it takes so much to keep them going because it’s a choice to be there. You don’t have any kids together, you’re not forced to call or stay in touch. No one is MAKING you be a part of their life and share struggles and celebrations. But you DO choose to be there…and you’re grateful that someone else chooses to be a part of your life and you’re grateful that someone wants you to be a part of theirs too.

But I know it was hard for her to watch me go through all those years of heartache with my own BBDD and she listened and was upset with me and for me. She didn’t walk away.

If she loves this man, there HAS to be something about him that is good. I just…don’t see it yet. I’m trying though. I just remember…man…never mind.

It was a whole different story when I went to Louisiana to visit Ruby and her man. Ruby’s man didn’t give off that “bullshit” vibe. He was sincere and nice and he has his flaws but they weren’t like character flaws, they were just immaturity. He and I still keep in touch through facebook even though they broke up a long time ago. Tamara’s ex deleted me as a friend as soon as they broke up. Is he gonna try to add me back now? Puhlease!

She deserves more. She deserves better. I don’t understand why she wants this and it hurts so much that I sometimes cry when I’m listening to her talk about him and how they’re seeing each other again. He’s slimy. He’s sneay. He’s a liar. He lied to ME. He lied to HER. He lied to her family. SHIT!

But…if that’s what she imagines for her life…so be it. If that’s what she wants..I have to be there to smile and be happy, at least on the outside. But for now..I just have to listen…

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Who Do I Run To?

Ever since I was little, I had these “dreams” where I would encounter a spirit. It always made me fearful even when the spirit just stood there. I would always use the name of Jesus as a form of protection. Whenever I would say “Jesus!” the spirit would go away.

Last night, the same thing happened. I was in my bed and saw a spirit standing in front of me. It was a young man dressed in modern clothes. He looked at me and said, “I’m going to get you!” Then he jumped on top of me and seemed to try to join with me, not sexually, just spiritually. Like, he wanted to get inside of me.

“I know what I’ll do,” I thought to myself. Although I couldn’t move or speak, my heart screamed, “JESUS!”

Nothing happened. He continued to wrestle with me. I was frozen so I tried again.

Nothing.

I began to panic, trying to use the only source of protection I’ve ever known.

It didn’t work.

I used all of my inner strength to FORCE myself out of my paralysis. When I did, I looked around for my Mama but realized that I was all alone.

I turned on the light and the TV and the computer to distract myself, but all I felt was this wild realization that I don’t have a protector anymore.

It was my belief in Jesus as my saviour that used to protect me. Now that I don’t believe I need to be saved, I don’t have that anymore. My belief protected me, but my beliefs have changed.

Now…Who do I run to?