~hangs head in shame~
Last night I went to the Cafe to do my presentation and I was in a good mood when I got there. My smile got even bigger when I saw how many women were there waiting to do speed dating. Last week there were so many guys there and about 3 women so we couldn’t even do it.
But I wasn’t even ready for what happened last night. Usually, we play some games, listen to some live poets and then I get to do my 5 minute presentation about whatever topic that I want. On THIS evening we’re playing the game called “I have never’ and that is a game where everyone in the room gets a chance to stand up and make a statement about something they have never done. If anyone else in the room HAS done that same thing, then they have to stand up. For every person who stands up for that thing- a point is given to the player. The player with the most points at the end has to take a HUGE shot.
So..everyone takes their turn saying things like… “I have never…had a 3some.” “I have never kissed a girl.”
I can’t think of anything to say the whole time and by the time it’s my turn I stand up and blurt out, “I have never…brought myself to orgasm through manual stimulation.”
Everyone stood up for that one.
Guess who had to take the shot?
Yeah…So I shuffled to the stage wondering why the hell i said that cuz I know I act a fool when I drink. I tried to argue my way out of it cuz that shot is not a regular shot, it’s like 4 shots in one. 4 FULL shots.
The entire place is crowded with men and women and they’re all staring at me cheering me on.
I feel like a fucking fool as I take a sip and start swallowing…very slowly.
I finish the whole cup and walk back to my seat. I’m fine for about 5 minutes and then…
I start cussing out the guy sitting next to me cuz he’s an ass. Then I make an announcement that anyone who is speed dating should NOT try to speed date with me cuz I’m no good. That doesn’t stop this one dude from trying though….
It’s funny because I love making people feel welcome and good about themselves yet I am really an anti social person. Most times I prefer to just sit back and watch what’s going on.
And the whole speed dating thing is super cool to watch, I just…I’m not into guys like that. I’m still questioning my sexuality because of it, but, I just am not into women like that either.
Like..I am more attracted to women physically than I am to men. But I don’t want to be physical with a woman. I just find it easier to deal with women because women don’t want anything from you. When I deal with men they always have an agenda and when I don’t line up with the role they want me to play in their life..they stop being nice/friendly to me.
I don’t like that. Therefore, I don’t look forward to meeting men at all.
Plus..I know most of the men I meet at regular places have like…jobs and I’m not interested in a man who has the personality to thrive in a corporate setting. At least I don’t think I am.
I don’t know.. All I know is…The thought of meeting all of those men every week at the Cafe kind of annoys me. I’d much rather watch and see which women they like and are attracted to than pretend like I’m interested in them. I’m not fake.
So I’m too drunk to drive and my friend DEEP comes to get me. We drive to Denny’s and my co workers are laughing at me but they understand how it goes with the late night drunk crowd. After Denny’s I am feeling better so I drive up Biscayne home. I go through a yellow light and it turns red. Seconds later I see red lights in my rear view and I’m pulling over
.
My heart is beating fast because I have no idea where my license is. The officer doesn’t come up to my car, he yells through the speaker thing, “Please step out of the vehicle.”
So I do..trying to maintain my composure.
He walks over to me and I look him directly in his face to see if he’s cute or not. He is.
He asks for my license and I tell him I have to look for it. I go into my car and…I find it!
Turns out my license was suspended already because of another ticket that I got and didn’t pay for. Fuck.
He takes my license and gives me another ticket saying that they will dismiss this ticket when I pay the other one and get my license back.
Fuck. How am I gonna do that on Denny’s money? How am I gonna do that and still see my kids every week? How am I gonna get home?
Fuck.
“Can I drive home?” I ask him.
“I’m not giving you permission to drive home,” he says. “If you are pulled over again you could be arrested. Do what you have to do.”
I drive home and dive into my bed, my head is hurting and I’m feeling so bad. I text my BBDD and tell him that I can not pick the boys up for Friday night as planned because I lost my license. I ask him to let the boys call me so I can explain.
When they call me I tell them what happened, as I would have told a friend and they say, “OK Mama.” I know they are dissappointed. I am too. I thrive on seeing them. Already this week I’ve had them twice, this would have been a treat- 3 times in one week.
But it didn’t happen.
When I get off of the phone with them I see a missed text and I open it up. It’s the usual insults from my BBDD telling me that I’m a horrible parent and he’s glad my sons don’t need me..all the usual stuff he says.
I don’t feed into what he has to say anymore because his words don’t define me but…it’s kind of annoying to have in my life as a constant reminder of what NOT to fall in love with again.
I don’t know how I’m going to get this license fixed…Until I do..I’m not going anywhere but work.