Who can you dedicate this song to?
Back In Love
~sigh~
I heard Kanye and his fiance broke up… I think I’m in love with him again. I’m trying to stop it. Really I am. It’s just…After his Mom died I couldn’t even stand to hear his voice because it made me so sad for him. I finally got back to a place where I can listen to his music and appreciate him for his brilliant spirit again. It moves me to tears because I feel like I’m walking the same path he walked and it makes me feel better about my life.
I hate that I’m always crushing on men who are absolutely unavailable to me. It’s pointless.
Yesterday I decided that I wasn’t going to be all goo goo over any guy ever again unless he was goo goo over me too. I put certain men, like Donovan Daniels, The Prez and my Ex Bernard and other fools like DL Dell on a pedestal when they really don’t deserve that shit. None of them has ever done anything remarkable for me.
I know what it is. I treat people how I want them to treat me. I adore certain men because I hope that they will adore me too.
They never do.
So I’m gonna let that go..none of those dudes were worth it…or me.
But..I think I’m gonna hang on to Kanye for now..
I just..like him. Shit..ain’t no harm in that, really.
His sexy ass!
Our kids are gonna be so cute and smart!
27 Dresses With Tamara
My life is a miracle.
And I’m appreciative of the little things.
Tonight Tamara called me after work and we chatted easily about her love life and other “good news” gossip about our friends. She took a quick nap, I did some work on my book and we reconnected at around 8:30.
“I’m about to go get some crab legs,” Tamara announced.
“Ooh, I wish I could have some too!” I said.
“Go ahead and treat yourself, girl. I’m gonna put some money into your account on Monday.”
“Thanks Dawg!”
As we both made our trips to the grocery store to pick up our steamed crab legs, I stopped by the dollar movie machine still chatting with Tamara while I chose the movie 27 Dresses to watch on my laptop. Since I don’t have a TV I never get to watch TV unless I go hang out with my Mama. Tamara got home and decided to rent the same movie on PayPerview so we could talk about it after.
We both giggled and broke out our crab legs and settled down to watch our movie. When it was over I called her.
“Are you done yet?” I asked.
“Yep, I just got to the part where the newspapers is showing the credits.”
“I liked it. What did you think?”
“I liked it too.”
“Did you see yourself in it?” I asked.
“Yeah, I did. I feel like I’m that person who is always running to help other people. And I feel like that girl, her bestfriend was too much like you!”
“I saw that at some point,” I admitted. “But what I realized more was that this chick was always at someone’s side helping them, celebrating them when secretly she really wanted to be celebrating herself. But maybe she didn’t really believe that she would have her day, or maybe she didn’t think she deserve it. That’s kinda how I feel sometimes. I’m all focused on other people’s relationships and becoming a relationship expert and all this mess. It’s like I’m obsessed with love and romance..and it’s only cuz, I don’t know what it’s like to BE in those kind of situations.”
Tamara and I chatted more about what it feels like to be in love. I decided not to write about divorce for my term paper which is due in a little more than a week. Instead I’m going to write and research what being in love feels like and I’m going to use Tamara as my case study.
“I can’t stop thinking about this man,” Tamara said. “When I’m with him I just want to pinch him because I can’t believe he’s real. The crazy thing is..he looks at me the same way. Everytime I talk to him, he’s always telling me why he loves me. He can probably come up with so many reasons and still I look at him and think, ‘Why is this man with me?'”
Oh yeah..I got to meet Tamara’s man last weekend. She was in town with him so that he could meet her parents. She says he told her that that trip took their relationship to another level and he is so glad it did.
I’ma be so honest with you…Tamara’s man is the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen in my entire life. So serious. He looks like he should be a teen heartthrob or something. He’s not quite manly looking but if I were in highschool and I saw him, I would probably faint. I almost did.
When I saw him, I almost screamed. “Damn dawg, look what God can do!” I exclaimed and she looked at me and shook her head. “I told you,” she whispered.
It’s amazing to see how he takes such good care of her and her children. They are crazy about each other and I’m always like, “This seems so phony to me,” whenever she tells me stories. I mean, two people can’t be THAT much in love? Or can they…
Oh yeah. I wanted to mention that my sister is now the epitome of ghetto love. She and her fiance just got tattoos of each other’s names. LOL! She got hers on her lower back and he got her name tatted on his neck. I almost died!
At first I was totally against it, because I’m not a fan of tattooes, even though I have one. I regret that shit. But then..I was just walking through campus and I thought about it..Damn….Kanye was right. I think I read on his blog where he said if he doesn’t love something he’s not going to do it. So when you do love something you should do it BIG.
And that’s exactly what my sister is doing.
I called her up and said, “Teenie, I just want you to know that I am so proud of you.”
“For what?”
“Cuz, dawg…You don’t care what anyone says. You know people are saying it’s too early for you to be even thinking about getting married again, but you don’t care. YOu never ONCE worried about finding a job when you were unemployed and this good ass job came to you! You are the queen of allowing good things to flow and I need to be more like that.”
“Girl, if you understood how good it feels right now to be with a man like this you’d be getting a tattoo too,” she told me. “Even if for some reason, we don’t work out, I don’t care because I always want to remember how great being loved feels and I’ve never loved anyone the way I love him. But chile please..he’s not going anywhere and I know that.”
She knows that.
It is quote overwhelming at times to watch everyone around me be in love like this.
Shit..I wasn’t even going to write about this until it became for real, for real, but shit..Kim doesn’t read this and oh well..I can’t hold good news…
Kim is ENGAGED!
Like..for real. Like..She is getting married on December 6th of this year!
I’m amazed and honestly, so happy that my friend is getting what she wanted. I wasn’t feeling old dude for the longest because she always complained about leaving him and finding something better but now she has flipped it and she appreciates him for the way he loves her instead of wanting a man who had more to offer materially.
Kim is engaged…She has always wanted to be a wife. The best thing is, she’s getting married here in Miami so I will definitely be able to go.
Hmmm…I sometimes think that I should feel sad for myself because I have yet to experience what everyone is going through..you know, the bliss of finding a good match..but…I don’t know. It doesn’t bother me to hear their stories. It makes me feel good that they are all happy.
Cuz I’m happy too. Right now..Right here. Regardless of everything.
I’m living the good life.
Even my Mama thinks so.
75% Reduction Of Bullshit Because Of My Natural Hair
Hallelujah!
I am so so happy right now! It’s my hair. I know I said I was gonna try to start locking it, but I don’t know if I’m ready to make that type of commitment yet. Right now I’m still rocking the low fro. Half of it is still twisted, half isn’t. ~shrugs~
I love it!
First of all.. I don’t get NEARLY as many men trying to talk to me with this hairstyle. I can actually eat a meal without 2-3 guys coming up to me trying to “get to know me”. I am so grateful.
Now, I only get approached by one man per meal! I can go out and eat! Now..when I’m at the store, I see them looking, but they don’t approach me like they would have when I had all that weave in my head. I’ve cut down on 75% of bullshit from men since I snatched that weave out.
I feel like I can breathe. I don’t know if I ever want to comb my hair again…
This is so nice. I feel like I can really just relax.
And I still feel beautiful everyday…
First Rejection Bliss
Feelin good right now..
I got my first rejection letter from a publisher about my book. This is GREAT news because every big name author says they got rejected countless times before they got the deal that cemented their career as an author.
I had been doing research trying to submit my book proposal by myself but most publishers say that you need an agent so I had been looking for an agent in Miami as well.
The good news is my good friend’s Dad has his own publishing company but he wants to see the finished product before he can decide if he wants to offer me a publishing deal. The bigger companies only want to see a proposal and a few sample chapters, but I’m just gonna keep focused, keep writing and expect the best.
I’m feeling good. I got my first rejection. Maybe I’ll only get a few more before I get my deal.
In the meantime, I’m preparing my focus group to read and critique my book. I offered members of my yahoo group the chance to participate and I’m going to use my classmates at school.
The plan is to release my book within the next few months as an eBook on Amazon and see how sales go. If I don’t have a committed publisher before then, the eBook sales should convince them to offer me a print deal.
I can’t believe that I’m sitting here writing about getting my first publishing deal. I always wondered what kind of writing I did best, and I think I’ve found it. It’s funny cuz…blogging and doing the articles on Embrace Your Fantasy really prepared me for writing this book.
I really hope you guys like it. It’s a guaranteed pick me up!
I’m so happy!
40 Something Missed Calls
I went to bed late last night after finishing another chapter of my book. I felt like I was drunk with the feeling of accomplishment. I’m so close to becoming an author. I’m so proud of myself!
All of a sudden I was awakened from a confusing dream by the sound of my cell ringing. I blinked my eyes, grabbed it and looked at the caller ID.
Restricted ID
I clicked the green button and mumbled, “Hello?”
No one said anything but I could hear background noise.
“Hello?”
Silence.
Ughh.. I hung up.
The phone rings again. I pick up.
“Hello?”
Nothing.
I hang up and press silent on my phone. I can’t go back to sleep so after a while I check my phone to see the time and I’m shocked!
14 Missed Calls!
The phone rings again and I drop it.
Restricted ID.
WTF?
I let it go and watch as the phone rings over and over and over and over and over. WHen it finally stopped, it had 27 missed calls.
That’s over 40 calls from some random person…
I got scared and looked around the room. Who the fuck is stalking me? My mind wandered..No, I’m not sleeping with anyone’s man. Hmmm…I haven’t argued with anyone recently, I rarely argue anyway. I’m not bothering anyone at all. No one I know likes me that much. Hmm..I don’t get it.
I decided to change my number and I rolled over and went back to sleep.
Today I was thinking about it and I guess I felt better about it when the thought hit me, “Someone has you HEAVY on their mind!”
I’m not gonna worry. I’m protected and blessed.
But that was some weird shit…
Do You Really Get What You Give?
I’m feeling so emotional today. My focus is all wrong. Most days I can breeze on by because I know how to choose happiness over sadness and gratitude over despair. It really is a choice that determines the satisfaction of your life.
But today… I’ve been pretty sad. I’ve been focused on my past and wondering how they say what you give is what you will receive. Ok. I HEAR that and honestly, I’ve always been taken care of by God but…
I remember when I met my BBDD, Salisu A. Richardson. I didn’t think he was remotely attractive and I damn sure didn’t want to be with him. But honestly, after getting to know him and finding out that he had never had a girlfriend yet he was graduating from college, that made me sad. I told myself that I would be the one to be nice to him. I wanted to show him what it was like to be loved. So I loved him. I loved him more than I loved myself. I thought that was what love meant back then.
And he showed me…how much hatred could build up and how nasty a person could be to someone. Until I met his current girlfriend, I had never even encountered another person who was as nasty as he was. That is still truly shocking to me. You mean, you will intentionally say or do something to hurt someone’s feelings? You’re TRYING to hurt someone? Wow. They are truly a match made on Soap Opera heaven. The way they deal with me seems like some shit you’ll see on TV.
But it really bothers me, not that they do it. But really because I don’t bother anybody. I don’t start shit with people. So to be in some bullshit is unfathomable to me since It’s not some shit that would even cross my mind. That’s not what I GIVE. Never has been.
Ahh..I wish them luck in love. I hope they have 6 kids and never break up and have to look at each other for the rest of their days.
As for me…I truly wish, for myself, that I would receive the exact measure of the spirit of what I have been giving for my entire life. I welcome that, cuz I know my heart.
Finding My Path: Ebook Or Print?
Hmm..
I’m kind of at a loss here, my research is not adding up. I’m trying to consider whether or not to sell my book as an ebook and just hope the print publishers find me. That would allow me to work on other projects right now since pitching my book to publishers and agents is taking up a lot of my time.
But the people I know have never and probably will never read an ebook. My blog posts are the longest in the game ~smile~ but somehow people continue to read them, but a book online, I’m not sure.
Man, I wish someone would just say, “Hey, here is the way to do it, let me handle that.” Yeah, wouldn’t life be easier if things worked out that way? But..I don’t know, I’m just in a different space in my life where I realize that as many people as I contact for advice and assistance, most are working on doing their own thing and don’t really have time to be of consistent assistance.
All I can do is keep trying and trust that everything that I need is already on my pathway. It always is. I’m always learning. I do hope to figure this out though, some consistent income would be really nice.
Open Letter To God
Dear God,
It’s been nearly a year since I moved back to Miami from Dallas. I appreciate the safe arrival and the time I’ve had to spend with my sons. Since I’ve gotten here, I’ve been praying for the same three things.
1. A stable, abundant financial income from my creative works.
2. A beautiful home for myself and my sons.
3. That my sons would be returned to my car under grace in perfect ways.
I have not seen the physical manifestation of any of these things yet, I somehow believe that they are near.
I’ve been trying. You know that I have. I’ve grown a lot in my faith and endurance too. I don’t hurt as much as I used to and I know I have you to thank for that. You’ve taught me that my NOW is more important than my future. How I feel about my future impacts my NOW because if I am fearful about my future, I experience the fear and discomfort NOW and when I’m excited about my future I experience the happiness and joy NOW.
So I’ve been learning. And I’m still doing well in school. I never thought that I would be in grad school for one. This still blows my mind. I’m becoming a therapist…who woulda thunk it. WHile I’m learning to help others heal and challenging my own beliefs about myself, please lend a helping hand by sending people my way who will validate these new truths that i have developed.
I know, I know, faith is a determined belief despite the circumstances…I get that, it’s just..I’d like my reality to reflect my beliefs about who I am a little more..please.
Bless my boys. I miss them so much. I don’t like being away from them like this and even when they get back, I don’t know where I will be. Just make it okay for us. I’m sure it will be, it’s just you know me, I’m a brat and I’m a fool sometimes. I don’t want to be anywhere that I am not wanted and I’d rather have a home of my own.
For so many years I begged you to tell me what’s wrong with me. For years I begged you to show me what I was doing so wrong to make my BBDD hate me and to make my journey so tumultuous. I get it. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. My BBDD hating me has nothing to do with me and everythng to do with how he feels about himself. My journey is tumultous because it has to be for the line of work I am trying to do.
It would be so nice to have some of that upswing though. Some stability, some overflow, some safety and of course some love. Surround me with people who love and appreciate me, not just on the internet but in real life too. I’m tired of telling horror stories about my dating experiences. I’d like some good stories to tell too.
Bless my friends. They bring me joy. If it wasn’t for their good stories and positive romantic relationships, I would have probably went crazy by now. Thanks for bringing that into their lives, their peace flows over to me.
Ima go now but not before I say, thanks for teaching me that my past does not define me. My present does not define me. I define me. And I say, I am beautiful, blessed and positioned to prosper and if no one else sees it, I do.
My sons will be blessed every day of their life and I am so glad you gave them to me.
I trust you to guide me. I’m here, listening, moving and showing love to whoever comes my way.
Your Girl,
Ms. Tee
Issues In Marriage & Family
There’s a lot more that can go wrong in a relationship besides infidelity.For the past two weeks our Issues In Marriage & Family class has been studying the 1989 Movie, The War of The Roses. Tonight the class was divided up into groups and each group discussed a different phase of the relationship. From meeting and falling in love, to courtship and marriage to the deterioration of the relationship- we covered it all with indept discussions about where the couple went wrong and how their miscommunications affected their friendships.We discussed how their view points in the role they played in the family was mismatched- Her resentment after child rearing for giving up on her dreams- His insensitivity to the importance of her own career goals- How her passive aggressive behavior indirectly communicated her disatisfaction but the subtle actions went straight over his head. If you haven’t seen it, take a night and rent it to see if you can discover for yourself how two people who met, fell in love and had the “perfect family” could end up killing each other by the movie’s end.I can’t believe I’m actually studying this type of stuff. I couldn’t even come up with an intervention point. My intervention would have been before they even got married because it was obvious that these two had completely different ideals of the roles they wanted to play in their partnership.