My Personal Blog from 2003 to 2011
What do you do when you’re tired?
Tired of hoping
Tired of explaining
Tired of pushing
Tired of trying
Tired of reaching
Tired of crying
Tired of believing
Tired of dreaming
Tired of wanting
Tired of needing
Tired of being…
What do you do?
You rest….
And then you get up, replenished…
And do it all again
My friend…
Is it safe to say that I don’t know what I’m doing?
All I know is what feels right and what doesn’t.
As I flitter and flutter trying so hard to get it right, seeing what others are doing but knowing that their path is not right for me but wanting so badly to fit into that box to make the choices that they have made and be alright with it.
I wish that I could wake up from this perpetual dream. The fight for it seems esoteric and I can’t unlock the key to the blissful reality. You see me and you feel for me, but most importantly I feel for me. Not sad. Not mad. I’m just…
Just…
A stupid, stupid girl.
Spoiled rotten at the core. I dare to believe that at all times, in all ways I can have things my way, just the way I believe. This attitude leaves me: single, jobless, directionless, clueless.
Yet, in the most amazing way, I sit and smile, knowing that my future is brighter than the sun. How the hell can I believe that when my TODAY is as fickle as a piano hanging on a tree?
I don’t know. I don’t know. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
If anyone has the pill to make me be…more like the masses, less of a dreamer, an idealist, an inspirational thinker, please, please, pass it along to me.
Cuz really, as adventurous as this all may seem, if I had the chance to be more like you…I would.
I would…
Sometimes I think I’m fucking stupid as hell.
But isn’t that the process of figuring out what life is about?
Now that I’ve released the fears, doubts and criticisms from my heart I can now focus on things that bring a smile to my face.
I love it when:
My sons run to me and call me Mommy.
My friends forward me a love letter from their boyfriends or share a story of how their boyfriends made them feel good.
I’m in the zone and writing a research paper and I’m learning a lot from the topic.
I receive a paycheck from an article I wrote.
I think about my sons and how wonderful they are and how happy they are.
I can buy gifts for my sons.
I find a good book.
I’m driving my car. My car is such a blessing to me and I am grateful everyday for every cent I spend on gas.
I get an email from a reader of my blog. Knowing that people still read and still care and still learn really brightens my day.
I figure out a computer program that had been previously unknown to me.
I come up with a new idea on how to expand my journalism portfolio.
I am able to pay others to help further my vision for my creative projects.
I have an excitement in my soul that great things are about to happen in my life.
I take a nice, warm shower.
My Mama is happy.
I see a handsome man and he smiles at me.
I read an inspirational phrase like, “your imagination is the preview of your life’s coming attractions” because I KNOW i have a healthy imagination and the visions I see are splendid!
I recognize that, my life is a miracle.
While basking in the afterglow of our first intimate experience, my head on Steve’s chest, his fingers lightly tracing random patterns on my bare back, I realized something very profound and I decided to share.
“Steve,” I whispered.
“Hmmm?”
“I feel safe with you.”
“You do?”
“Yes. And I’m sorry I ignored you for the past month. I was scared. I am scared.”
“Let me guess,” he began. “You’re afraid of ‘us’, right?”
“Yes. I am.”
“I spent so much time sweating over the happiness of my friends that I didn’t really believe it for myself. In a way I kinda thought they deserved it and I didn’t.”
“You deserve more than you know, Baby Girl.”
“You think so?”
“Tee. I don’t ever want you to think that I’m with you for any other reason than the fact that with you in my life, my life is better. You add something that was missing before. And the crazy part is, I didn’t even know it was missing because I was happy when I was single and I was all about working and making progress. But now that I have you…I don’t know man, it feels like I’m really moving forward in life.”
“Man…this is so unreal. I feel like calling Tamara to talk to her to make sure I’m not dreaming,” I sigh.
“You can call Tamara and when you’re done I’ll be right here. Shit…man, I’m just trying to be here with you, that’s all. Can we keep it that way?”
“For how long?” I ask.
“For as long as we both shall live,” he said and laughed.
“Shut up!”
We giggle and I tickle him, but he’s not ticklish so it doesn’t affect him at all.
“Tee?” he asked in a serious tone as he pulled me from the living room floor and gently guided me to the bedroom.
“Hmmm?”
“What do you want?”
“What do you mean?”
“What do you want to happen right now?”
“Tonight? Or in my life?”
“In your life?”
“Well, that’s easy,” I began and flopped down on the bed, pulling him closer to me. “I want to hear back from the show I applied to, you know, the producer position. I think that would be an ideal gig for me and a great asset to my portfolio. I want it to pay me more than enough to find a nice safe home for me and my sons and then I want my sons to have a smooth transition back into my home. I want that job to be flexible, yet interesting and I want them to be appreciative of the skills I bring to the table. I want it t be my segway into the next phase of my career. I also want my sons to be proud of me..And I want all of this to happen within the next couple of months.”
“Is that all you want?”
“All? You don’t think that’s a lot?”
“Of course not. You’re very talented and even if God doesn’t have THAT position for you, something great is on the way. You speak it all the time. You believe you deserve it. You’re constantly helping others to believe in themselves, nothing but great things are coming for you.”
I sigh. “Steve, I love it when you talk like that.”
“Well, I learned it from you. You and my Mom. It’s like you guys read from the same book or something. I believe in you, Tee. You ARE that best selling author, that TV personality, that radio show host. You are that woman that will inspire so many through your life.”
“Aww..Thanks Steve. That means so much to me. Cuz I know that right now, I don’t have so much to show for all of my dreaming and fantasizing and even through all of that, you still believe the best for me. I need that and I really do appreciate it.”
“You deserve it, Tee. I only speak the truth. But guess what? I have good news.”
“What?” I ask, eyeing him to sense the vibe of his news. His facial expression doesn’t give it away and I punch him as he remains silent. “Boy, you better tell me!”
“Well, my Mom asked about you the other day,” he started.
“Uh oh….What did you tell her?” I was a bit nervous about his response because I had been ignoring him for the past month, not taking his calls, or returning his emails or texts.
“I told her that you were doing great and she asked me to let her know when she can come down to meet you and your boys,” he smiled at me.
“Shut up! Oh my gosh! I don’t know if I’m ready for that, Steve.”
“Well, get ready because I’m thinking that she can come for the 4th of July weekend. What do you think?”
“Um…Well, I planned to go see my boys over that weekend, you know they’re with their Grandma in Gainesville for the summer. I miss them soo much!”
“Well then, I guess we’re all going to Gainesville then.”
“What?”
“Yeah. We can do that. She’ll like that. I think it’s time.”
I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to cry, laugh and run away at the same time.
Was this for real?
It has to be.
But it feels like a dream come true.
Wow.
Last week, my Mama got on my nerves so badly that I packed up my car and gave her the key back. In hindsight I realize how juvenile that may have seemed but it was just the push I needed to get on my true hustle.
I roughed it for a couple of nights, completely scaring the hell out of my friends. What I realized about myself is the fact that I am very stubborn and spoiled and I expect that things are going to be exactly how I want them or I’m not interested in being a part of it.
In essence, I’m a brat.
But it’s my parents fault. They always gave me whatever I wanted and when they tried to give me something I didn’t want, I would look at them like they were crazy. “Take that back, I don’t like that.”
You can imagine how difficult it was to buy Christmas presents for a spoiled little brat like that. But being so spoiled materialistically also gave me the attitude that I can have anything I want at any given time, so I approach every situation in that way. If I’m going for a job, I know I’ll get it. If I’m going for an award, I expect to come out on top. I don’t stress about the things I really want because I feel like I’m the shit and I deserve it.
Anyway, after stressing my friends and family out I was on campus turning in my last paper for my class and my sister suggested that I go and see about on campus housing.
I shrugged and walked over to the office, spoke with the administrator and I had to blink three times when she said, “Sure, you can move in on Sunday. A meal plan is included with each housing assignment so you will have three meals a day. Stop by at noon and you can pick up your key.”
Dayummmm!
All these months of not knowing when or HOW I’d ever be able to get my own place and…it just came. And I don’t have to pay for it until next semester either.
I moved into my dorm room laughing the whole wild because…dang…I’m truly living the college life again. At least for the summer. My Mama is so happy now! She completely flipped her stank attitude and our relationship is a lot better now. I went to see her yesterday after hanging out with my little sister and my Mama and I had a drink and watched a movie. We had a great time.
What’s it like living in the dorms again? Well, it’s about the same except I don’t have to share a bathroom with as many people. My room is connected to another room by a bathroom and the girl on the other side seems cool, she came over and helped me to rearrange my furniture and showed me how to hook up my internet connection.
So…really, because I believe I can have anything I want, I always get it. I wanted a private place where I can do whatever I like and I knew I didnt have any money so I was puzzled about how it could actually happen. But it happened…
Who knew????
Another cool thing that happened this weekend is…My little sister got engaged. Remember that great guy that she has been seeing for the past 6 months, well, he proposed to her early Sunday morning and she said Yes. I wish you could meet my sister so you would understand how duded drool over her consistently. She’s quick to drop a dude if he’s not being good to her and with the exception of her ex husband, I’ve never seen her be all gone off of a dude and allowed him to disrespect her.
I’m truly happy for her this time. Last time she was about to get married, no one liked her husband and I sure didn’t. But this dude…THIS DUDE….he sees her as his responsibility. He takes such good care of her, he listens to her, he values her opinion and best of all..he’s FINE.
Sometimes I have to look away. But he’s never looking at me, he just stares at her like she dropped from heaven. And he treats her that way too.
So my goal is to find a good job, find a place to live and be able to welcome my sons back into my home by the end of my time here on campus. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Well, stranger things have happened.
I’ve been on the grind, completely motivated by this blessing and I’ve been encouraging an old friend that I ran into to do the same. She and I attended a conference about how to get grants today and it was very informative but the grand they were trying to charge for their 2-day seminar did not fit into my budget. I’m glad I went though, I was very much encouraged by the presentation and I was reminded that all success begins first in our imagination.
Imagination, inspiration and then action is the formula I am trying to follow in everything that I do.
I had a similar conversation with my friend Tamara’s Mom last night and as we both listened to her preach about calling things into existence through our imagination I was stunned, she really encouraged me.
But let me go, this week I’m writing about How to Move On After A Relationship Ends. For some reason I think people would benefit from this series. I’m about to interview a guy friend about why some men can’t move on.
I hope you enjoy the articles and videos that I’m posting!
Cheers and blessings!
Read more about How to Move On After A Break-Up on my other e-zine, Embrace Your Fantasy.
I don’t even know what’s going on with me. My head feels all cloudy all the time and my side hurts so much.
I’m eating well though, but two of my teeth are killing me so it kinda hurts to bite down on food.
What I wouldn’t give for some health and dental insurance…
I’m taking a break from writing that article I mentioned a while back. It’s slowly, slowly, coming together… but my head is so full of..I don’t know what..that I’m thinking slowly and I’m feeling pretty..dumb.
Who knows…
I’m trying not to be anxious about my upcoming adventures in child support court. Who knew that after all these years of trying to get support from him, and him NEVER informing the court of his increased income, that he would actually sue me for child support during my most rough financial time.
Really, what’s the worst that could happen?
I just wonder what I did to meet such a man and actually have two children by him? But in the end I know that whatever comes my way I can handle. Those who attack you, do so because they fear you. They fear your power, your progress, your shine.
They want to stop that by doing everything they can to hinder you.
Don’t allow it.
Shine anyway.
Prosper anyway.
Keep living.
I dreamt about HIM again last night.
I honestly wake up frustrated with myself because my subconcious mind can’t seem to let it go. I don’t want to dream about him so often. I don’t even feel like I’m in love with him…I don’t know how I feel.
I guess I feel stupid..again…for caring about someone who doesn’t care about me back.
I thought I was over it, but I guess not. I’ve dreamt about him so much that I stopped counting. I feel like such a dork.
I have a guy friend coming in town to see me this weekend. When he told me I was like, ~yawn~
I don’t like him.
Sometimes I don’t get it..What is love supposed to be about? If a man can’t teach me anything or help me to reach my goals or finance my dreams then why the hell should I have him around?
Is there anything else that I’m supposed to consider? What else can they possibly add? I’m not being funny..I really don’t know.
Another confession….
When I woke up today, I got dressed and walked over to the student union for breakfast. As I walked my mind shifted to my BBDD and I asked myself, “What would I feel if he died?”
And I said- Nothing.
I wouldn’t miss him. I’m sure my kids would, but I wouldn’t.
Am I horrible?
I felt like 25%bad about having that thought because I know that whatever you wish for others, you are actually wishing for yourself.
I’m sorry.
I’m having a very emotional morning. Let me get back to my writing.
Ooh.
I havent done an emotionally charged post in a long time.
Soo..you get the benefit of me PMS’ing and feeling all out of wack.
Here we go…
Fuck this..
Fuck my birthday in 2 weeks. Fuck my BBDD. Fuck this article I haven’t finished yet. Fuck this paper due in a month, fuck the deadline, fuck the police, fuck the grass outside, fuck the yard man.
Fuck that hoe. Fuck her up the ass. Fuck her in the ear too. Fuck everybody being in love. Fuck everybody gettin to fuck everynight. Fuck all these lame ass dudes that can’t make me cumm.
Fuck my ex boyfriend Bernard..with his fine ass.
Fuck the rain in Miami.
Fuck swimming lessons. Fuck the news stations. Fuck this weave in my head. This shit is itchy as fuck. Fuck the people who get mad at me for popping myself upside the head..my shit itches..FUCK YOU!
Fuck T-mobile. I’ll pay you when I get good and damn ready- hoe! Fuck Second Life…That shit get wayyy old after a month or soo…Fuck my group in class. Fuck the teacher. Fuck my back aches. Fuck the dudes in the cafeteria who trying to holla at me– be for real!
Fuck my weird ass dreams. Fuck it.. man..
I just feel sad.
Sad cuz I feel like I’m alone. Not lonely. Just alone. Cuz..you know…when you have friends as great as mine, you’re never really lonely, you know someone cares. But.. that won’t help me on my birthday. All I wanted to have a fun birthday this year and I don’t have anyone here in Miami that I want to spend it with. I wanted to be with my boys but they’re gone.
Instead I’ll be in court with my BBDD. Hooray.
I sit up here and write all this shit for yall. Cuz it make me feel good to maybe, you know, encourage you or some shit. It also helps to take my mind off all of my OWN shit. I’ve been plugging and plugging away and I don’t see no reward for this shit.
I feel so fat today. I eat too much I think. I think I wanna run away, but, school’s going well, I got another ‘A’ last semester.
It’s like..I don’t know what to hold onto…I tell people to hold onto whatever is holding on to you.
The only thing holding on to me is school. I feel like Tarzan and shit. I feel like I’m always swinging from tree to tree. Man, I gotta pee.
I really hate this pre period shit. It always make me feel like I wanna go pound on a wall or something. I feel so fat and ugly. ANd dumb. And I be focusing on the wrong shit. ANd even though I know it, I still DO it, that’s dumb.
~sigh~
I want to stop crying.
I want to feel better.
I’m so ugly today..damn.
I think I really need a hug.
Ahh..