I think I’m falling into the abyss.
How in the hell could I be sitting up here fantasizing about being home with my sons and unable to go out? I wish I had those days back again.
Tonight I decided that I wouldn’t stay in and brood over being so unnattached that I can go anywhere that I want. I’ll go out, I told myself.
I got dressed, typical dress code; jeans and heels. Makeup. Perfume. Sparkly lotion. Blah blah…
I took one look in the mirror, shrugged and took my clothes off.
Although I absolutely LOVE the club scene when I’m there and the music is playing and the drink has started to take affect… before I get there, it’s not easy to get me motivated to head out. Especially when I take into consideration that everytime I go out I run into someone from elementary, middle or highschool. ~sigh~
The conversation is always exactly the same.
Guy: Hey, are you Tee?
Me: Yes, who are you?
Guy: We know each other from [insert grade level].
Me: Oh yeah! I remember you. How are you doing?
Guy: I’m doing well. You look good. It’s the eyes, I’ll never forget them.
Me: Thank you. So do you.
Guy: You know I had the biggest crush on you…
Me: Oh yeah?
Ok. Forget that fact that supposedly ALL these dudes used to like me back in the day and NONE of them ever told me until now… I really..really…just don’t like it when these dudes try to talk to me because I know they are just remembering the -happy go lucky- smiley- Ms. Popularity from back in the day and I’m not like that anymore.
I wasn’t even perfect then it’s just I was so focused on becoming a journalist and achieving my goals that people never got to know me outside of seeing my face all over every event and getting awards and stuff. They didn’t know the real me, all they saw was the smiling girl on TV who was pretty and nice. They didn’t know I was depressed so much back then. They didn’t know I was suicidal and that my boyfriend dumped me for another girl two weeks after I lost my virginity.
Dude..I was such a regular teenager going through regular teenage angst but I masked it by fantasizing about my bright future and doing whatever I could (writing to journalists, starting clubs, exposing myself to new cultures) to help jumpstart my career.
So when they see me, I can only imagine that they are like, “Now’s my chance..” but they don’t realize…A whole lotta shit has happened since then and I’m not gonna try to act like I’m all perfect like they used to think I was. I’m not. And when they realize that I have issues and insecurities too, it’s like “WOW, Not YOU, Tee!”
YOU have kids?
YOU don’t have a job?
YOU don’t have a MAN?
Uhh..yeah…shit happens sometimes and even The Most Popular Girl can’t help but go through rough times.
I just wish I could meet someone who doesn’t know me from my past so he can’t compare me to who he thought I was…