Month: December 2007

My life is a miracle.

I had the best weekend with my sons.

It all started with a butterfly.

On Friday morning I couldn’t think of anything to ask the Universe for so I said, “I’d like to see a butterfly today.”

Of course I forgot all about it, went to pick up my sons from school at the end of the day, dropped my aunt off home and then they asked if we could go to Wendy’s for a chicken sandwhich. We stopped by Wendy’s and I got them the kids meals. While I was driving I see a shadow over my shoulder and I look back and my son says, “Look Mommy, it’s a butterfly.”

The butterfly was the toy that they got from their kids meal but I knew that it was also the response from my earlier request.

By the time we got back to my Mama’s house I was feeling great, but also a little scared. Imagine if I allowed my thoughts to focus on my fears, wouldn’t they show up just as easily as my desires? I have to remember to keep my mind on things I want, instead of things I don’t want.

We all settled down, I fixed up some popcorn and we watched a movie I had been fantasizing about watching with my boys ever since I was in Houston. I had daydreamed so much about the moment we could all watch Millions together that I actually manifested the movie. I received it as a gift last week.

On Saturday morning we woke up early to go to their sports practice. When we got there no one was there so we went to have breakfast at McDonald’s. After breakfast we were rolling down 119th street when I made a request to the Universe. “I’d like a happy surprise today.” As soon as I thought about it, I looked to my left and saw five huge bounce houses, trains, cotton candy machines and all kinds of fun stuff for kids.

“Look over there boys!” I said. “Let’s go check it out.”

It turns out that our commissioner had organized a toy give away for children, including a morning of games, pop corn, snow cones and bounce houses. We couldn’t get a toy because it turns out that you had to be invited (LOL!) to the event, but we jumped our behinds off in all of the bounce houses and by the time we left we were all sweaty and happy, licking our snow cones.

As we drove away my older son said, “Wow. Look at how God blessed us. He’s making this such a great day! And He even told Granddaddy to let us have Christmas early.”

“That’s right, Boo Boo,” I said.

“I think God wants to give us two times more than what we really ask for!” my 5 year old said.

“That’s how it usually works,” I told him. “God loves to make us happy. All we have to do is just imagine what we want and be thankful for it because it’s coming.”

So we went home, took a nap and when we woke up I took them to the park. They played in the sun, it’s still 80 degrees down here, while I lay out on a blanket and got some sun.

Then we went driving through a few neighborhoods to look for houses. I told my boys that our house is coming and they thought it would be fun to look and see what we could find. We peeked through windows at all of the houses we saw for sale. They wanted to go to a neighborhood called Biscayne Park so we rode over there and looked at a few more houses.

“Mama, do you have a job yet?” my older son asked.

“Not yet. But it’s coming. Whenever you ask God for something all you have to do is believe it’s on the way and get ready for it. So that’s why it’s a good idea for us to go look for houses now. You have to prepare for what you want even when it looks like there’s no way for it to happen. God likes when we do that because it shows Him that we trust Him to take care of us.”

We stopped at the neighborhood park and I played with the boys again. Up the rock climbing wall, down the slides, through the monkey bars and I even challenged them on the swings to see if they can swing higher than me.

I was exhausted by the time it was all done. We went home and they came up to me cheering after they went to see their Grandaddy in his room.

“Granddaddy said we can have Christmas right now!”

So we opened the presents and my boys LOVED my gifts!

When I first got back to Miami I asked my boys what would be their dream come true.

My older son said, “I’d like a big house with a pool.”

My younger son said, “A hundred bags of hot cheetos!”

Guess what I got my younger son?

You’re right. A hundred bags of hot cheetos! He was amazed.

My older son received a bottle of cologne. I got him Curve for Men. He’s only 7 but he has been saying over and over how much he wants to smell good everyday.

Imagine..this is the first Christmas where I’m not working anywhere and this is the Christmas where I was able to buy everyone in my family presents!

I love me some God!

Today was actually a cool day too.

This morning I sent out an intention (a request for something to happen). I said, “I’d like to get a phone call from someone who loves me. I’d like to hear words of appreciation, God.”

This afternoon my phone rings and it’s my girl Kenya in Brooklyn.

She’s FULL of wonderful stories about her life and I’m sitting there in amazement listening to her tell me how much she LOVES her job and how it’s the perfect match for her.

“Tee, there’s a lot of different ways that you can manifest things but I’m telling you, the way I manifested this job, with such a flexible schedule, is I actually ASKED for it. I told them what I wanted and they gave it to me. My environment is so flexible and supportive and the man I work for really appreciates my work. It’s like I’m doing what I’m good at and they actually appreciate it. That’s what I wanted. I can see myself staying her for a long time.”

That testimony was a blessing to me.

As soon as I hung up with Kenya another call came in and this time it was Leon in DC. We chatted a bit and laughed as usual and I asked about his Mom. When I spoke with him about a month ago he told me that his Mom’s doctors told him that she didn’t have much time left and he needed to go and get her affairs in order.

“How’s your Mom?” i asked.

“She’s great! Her behind is right here, having fun.”

“What?!” I asked.

“She said forget them doctors and she got on a plane and came up to visit me.”

“Wow! That’s great news man!” I laughed.

I got some not so great news from my Mama. I had asked if I could have the boys over to spend New Years and I thought she said Yes. Today she came and said, “No, you can’t have the boys over for New Years. My husband wants a quiet evening.”

“But you said I could! I already told my BBDD!”

“I did NOT say yes. I told you I’d think about it. Now just call your BBDD back and tell him you can’t do it unless you plan to go over his house and have New Year’s there. That’s why you need your own place, Tee. If you had your own house, this wouldn’t be happening.”

~sigh~

I don’t like to be in the streets for New Years, there’s too much shooting going on. I don’t know why she ended up saying No but I’m going to take it as a sign that maybe something great is going to happen soon. Maybe I’ll have my own home before New Years. Or maybe I’ll meet a wonderful man who wants to spend New Years with me and my sons. Or maybe something completely MIRACULOUS is going to happen!

Either way, when I don’t get something that I want, I know it’s because something better is about to happen. So my “not so good” news is going to turn out to be great news after all…

Watch and see!

My life is a miracle.

And I’m not going to even THINK about that dream I had last night because if I do, I’m basically begging God to kill me. I don’t want to manifest that. I have too many other people to bless during my lifetime.

Whew!

I almost let those thoughts get to me but it didn’t work. I’m getting better at this mind control thing everyday. Now, when I have negative thoughts, it actually takes EFFORT for my emotions to connect with them. I have to really focus on the negative thought before I start to feel sad about it.

It’s as though all that crap is foreign to my brain and I have to stand on my tippy toes to reach the thought and bring it down to where I am. That’s way too much effort just to feel the stinging relief of self pity.

Look, it’s easy to get sucked into this pity party during the holidays. You may be away from your family, you may be attempting to start a new career or you may be exhausted from hoping for someone special to share the holidays with. I know what it’s like, I really do feel you.

When there’s no one around to give you a hug and remind you how great you are, those little nagging thoughts come in and try to convince you that you’re not so great after all.

You wanna know what I did that changed my mood from slightly depressed to appreciative in less than one minute?

It’s so simple but it’s so difficult to do if you’re not ready.

Here it is:

I chose not to feel sad like that.

I thought to myself, “I don’t wanna feel like that anymore.”

Think about it. Where’s the fun in being depressed?

I know it’s easy to marinate in that sorrow and the whole woe is me mentality. You may elicit a hug from that. You may elicit attention, but mostly you’re really turning people off from wanting to be around you. You’re sending out “don’t come near me” vibrations and when you’re sending those out, you’re also blocking your blessings because the people that God would send to bless you are also being pushed away.

Life is really about experiencing as much joy as you can. But we water down the joy we have because we aren’t fully living in the moment, we’re always on guard with the “what if’s”.

What if we changed our “what ifs?”

What if…when we woke up, we were rested and satisfed and then realized that there’s actually two more hours before we have to get up?

How great does that feel?

What if…when we heard the laughter and commotion in the breakroom at work, instead of wondering if they were gossipping about us, we’d find that they were planning a party for us instead?

What if…every light was green on the way to work and you find out that the cutie you had been admiring is admiring you too?

What if…you got called into your boss’s office to hear that you just received a promotion and a raise?

What if…you go out looking for those new boots and find them half priced?

What if everything you dreamt of happened?

Why not?

Just like we have engrained in our psyche that we should expect the worst, we can reprogram ourselves to expect the best.

You know, I’m glad that I got depressed for the holidays.

I’m grateful that this sadness came along. If I didn’t get this test of my emotions, I wouldn’t know that I can overcome it this easily.

Blah on death. Blah on saying goodbye. Blah on feeling like I’m inadequate.

I’m more than a conqueror. I am worthy of love and all of God’s wonderful blessings.

My children need me.

My friends need me.

I need me.

Your life satisfaction level is really all about your choices.

STOP!

Think about the way you are feeling right now.

Does that feel good?

No?

Then stop thinking about those things.

Think about something else.

I’lll never forget the sound of my son’s voice when he said, “Look Mommy, it’s a butterfly.”

He gave me the butterfly as a gift. I carry it with me wherever I go as a reminder that whatever I focus on, I receive.

I want a miraculous life so I’m going to focus on the GOOD THINGS.

Thanks God for answering my prayer. I have so many reasons to live.

My life is a miracle.

Oh my gosh…The countdown to the New Year begins. It’s only 4 days away and I feel like I have to get some things off my chest. Ughh..I hate this feeling. This feeling that I’m hiding something. Until I’m able to be honest with myself OUT LOUD, I can’t get any rest.

But first! GOOD NEWS!

Someone suggested that I look up that eerie dream about me getting ready to die and saying goodbye to people. Everyone was so happy that I was going away including me. Yeah..that’s weird.

But the dream dictionary says:

To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something. To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual.

Don’t stop get it, get it!

I am soo relieved.

I thought God was trying to prepare me for my death. I ain’t ready for that. I want more love from my kids before I go!

Now…this next part…ughhh..my heart hurts just thinking about admitting it, but I’m sure I’ll feel better once it’s done.

~blushing~

I…I have been having the same recurring dream ever since I left the website. In my dream it’s always my first day going back there. I have had this dream 12 times since June.

Cinderella says, “A dream is a wish your heart makes.” Well, if that’s true, then my heart is desperate to be doing what I was doing while I was there.

Also…

~blushing~

IcontactedThePrezandtoldhimIlikedhimandhetoldmehehasaveryseriousgirlfriendbutthanksformyhonesty.
Please don’t laugh at me.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t help how I feel though. And after I shared with him, I felt better. I laughed at myself and chalked it all up to another one of my fantasy romances that begin and end in my head. I blessed his relationship, felt the sting of yet another rejection from a man I cared about and I thought I moved on.

Until a few weeks ago when I had a dream about him..again.

See..I’ve been dreaming about him too. But usually in my dreams, I’m just admiring him and we don’t speak to each other.

So a few weeks ago after he told me he was in a “very serious relationship” I dreamt of him again and in the dream we actually spoke. I wasn’t nervous like I used to be in his presence. I thought it was funny that he seemed more nervous than I was.

The next day I was floating on air! I asked God to tell me why I keep dreaming about him.

The next night I went to sleep and it happened AGAIN!

In this dream he was who he is..except..he was different. He looked exactly the same except he had a much deeper voice and he was sooo sexy. It was kinda like when Steve Urkel turned into Stephan.

This man was STEPHAN and I was soo attracted to him that I almost couldn’t contain myself. We almost kissed except, we stopped and he told me, “I’m in the process of leaving my wife.” (don’t kno what’s up with that since he’s not married)

I woke up singing after that dream and I prayed that God would allow me to meet that fine ass, sexy ass man! The chemistry was off the charts! I want to feel like that with someone in real life!

Ok, while I’m admitting things about my dreams I will admit that I…I saw The Prez in a vision before I met him.

Whatever!

Call me what you want! I don’t care.

It was the day before I met him. I was at the nail shop in Houston getting my pedicure and something in my mind said, “You’re going to meet someone special tomorrow.”

Then a flash in my imagination….an image…of a man…rising from his seat at the head of a table. He had on a gray suit and he wore glasses. I thought his head was shaped funny. I didn’t find him attractive as I saw the flash in my imagination so I just shrugged and the image went away.

I didn’t remember this vision until many months later and it all came back to me. I met him the next day and he was wearing the same thing I saw in my vision and he was sitting in the same chair.

Oh my gosh..my poor little heart.

I’m always idealizing men in my mind. I wish I could stop. I wish that my fantasies could meet my reality because sometimes I feel like I’m living in two distinct worlds and neither of them have any idea that the other exists.

I feel like a stalker for admitting that I still have dreams about him.

Please God, don’t let him read this.

But on the bright side, I do feel a lot better.

I love not having any secrets. I release all unmanifested desires in anticipation of this new year. If it’s meant for me to have, I will have it, if not, I’m open to receiving more than I ever wished for.

I now let gooooo of my fantasy crush.

Ok…Buh bye!

My life is a miracle.

This is my confession.

The real reason why I have secks with men so quickly after I meet them is…I hope that they will label me as easy and then leave me alone. It scares me to think that a man could actually like me so I’m bitchy and bratty and demanding…all the things I know they can’t stand, just to push them away.

I secretly hope that one day I will meet someone who will tell me, “No, We don’t have to do that. We have plenty of time for that.”

So far, none of them have. They just take the pu**y and then I stop talking to them- mission accomplished.

My life has been a series of one night stands.

I am letting this habit go.

Goodbye.

My life is a miracle.

For most of my life I have been a motivator, constantly seeking to show others the light within themselves and receiving joy from expressing appreciation for the people that I met.

Inside I was battling to recognize my own worth. My self talk was so negative and I consistently repeated, “I hate myself,” whenever I felt like I did something that was less than perfect.

Religion didn’t make things any better for me. I found myself falling deeper in my self loathing as I tried to prove myself to be a good Christian to God and my Pastor. I couldn’t get it right, I was always striving for better, crying when I wasn’t perfect, beating myself up for being…human. I rarely celebrated myself because I figured that even the small victories were just blind luck and wouldn’t last long.

This year for the first time I heard the words “All is well. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. You have done nothing wrong. You are a blessed creation of God and you are exactly who you are supposed to be.”

Those words freed me because…I believed them.

Now the new belief in my heart has taken over my former belief that I am not worthy of good things, I’m a sinner, no one will love me.

I AM worthy of a brilliant life.

I AM NOT a sinner.

I DO have love and I deserve it.

I am breaking free from the old belief that other people deserve happiness more than I do.

I have moved on from thinking that I have made so many mistakes that my future can’t recover.

I have not made any mistakes. I have learned many lessons and I am grateful for each choice that I have made. Each decision has led me to this wonderful place right here. This place in my heart that lets me know…I am doing just fine.

I no longer care what my BBDD thinks of me. He can have all the opinions that he wants, they don’t define me anymore.

I now truly believe that as much good as I try to project into the world, whether it’s received, perceived in truth, or not…it’s all coming back to me…SOON in avalanches of blessings that will be too miraculous to maintain.

I DO deserve a wonderful life. I DO deserve someone who cherishes me and will protect and support me, guide me into well being and love me like I imagined in my dreams.

I AM already successful simply because I didn’t let life beat me down. I’m not a quitter. I’m not a loser. I WIN! I WIN every single day.

I’m letting go of everyone and everything that tried to push me to do things that pleased them. I deserve to be pleased too.

I used to be the giver, but now I will relax and be the receiver of all the love and encouragement that I always wanted for myself.

I receive these blessings, under grace, in perfect ways.

Goodbye OldMe…

My life is a miracle.

~yawn~

I went out last night to meet up with Anthony at a club since he’s in town. I had already seen him once since he’s been back for his vacation so I was excited about seeing him again. Dude is sooo fine to me! Seriously, he is a beautiful black man.

I did not have a good experience with him, I must admit. But after I left him there I drove home and I noticed a difference in my response to the experience. I used to blame myself for every experience that wasn’t pleasing and wonder, “What’s wrong with me?”

That didn’t happen this time.

This time I just took a moment and recognized which parts of the evening that I didn’t like and then I said to myself, “Next time I’d like things to go like this.” And then I imagined how I would have really like to have been treated. This experience won’t define the rest of my experiences with men. How could it? He’s just one man. He doesn’t represent everyone.

Besides, I think negative dating experiences are just God’s way of letting us know that He has someone different in mind for us. It also helps us to define what we DO want more clearly. It’s not necesarily a bad thing, it’s just a nudge in the right direction.

It was good to see him though, he is definately eye candy.

Man…I had such a good time though! I love living in Miami! I love all the native Miami people! I love how we dance, I love our music! I love our dress code!

~sigh~

I love living here!

My life is a miracle.

Damn!!! I had soo much fun last night! I mean…I haven’t danced like that in so long! ~smiling~ I thought I needed some secks to release all this tension but the drinks, dancing and the music did it for me!

Today I spent time with my homegirl Mimi and her baby. They are down here for the holiday from Atlanta. We were doing too much dealing with the kids, (I have my boys) to really sit down and talk but it’s okay, just being in her presence was good enough for me.

There’s one conversation that I haven’t had with Mimi and I don’t know how to lead into it.

~clearing throat~

“Mimi…I don’t consider myself to be a Christian anymore.”

I just couldn’t say that to her. She’s such a woman of God and a staunch believer. I am too. I just…don’t believe that Christianity is the only way to know God. But Mimi was the one who helped cultivate my relationship with God. Until this year she was my spiritual mother, I saught her out for encouragement and wisdom in Christ.

Things are different now…I don’t consider her to have that role anymore. I don’t desire it and sometimes I even find that I disagree with certain things that she says, yet, I love her dearly for loving me.

I kinda hinted at my new spiritual direction when I was telling her about Tamara’s new man and how she says he is so wonderful and a dream come true for her. I was trying to give her all the beautiful details when she interrupted me.

“Is he saved?” Mimi asked and looked at me with a smirk.

~sigh~

See. This is why I don’t want to be religious anymore. It really hurts me to have to defend this wonderful story about romance and healing against religious questioning. For the record, he IS a Christian, but thats besides the point. He treats her how I treat her. He is a true friend to her.

Why does everyone have to question his beliefs?

If he’s saved does that mean he won’t ever hurt her?

If he isn’t saved does that mean the relationship is doomed?

When Mimi asked me I just shrugged and said, “Well, I hope you don’t put too much stock into that because when I tell you about meeting my husband he’s not going to be saved.”

“Why not?” she asked incredulously.

“Cuz I don’t want to be with a religious person.”

I don’t.

I don’t want any other person to come between me and God. I don’t want anyone’s interpretation. I don’t want to have to believe in one thing which forces me to discount other areas of thought and doom all other believers to hell.

I don’t want to judge anyone or what they believe. It’s a BELIEF. How can anyone say what’s right or wrong? We can only decide what is right or wrong or US, no one else. Whatever you believe is fine with me. I am not trying to convert you and I have no reason to argue with you telling you that the name you call your God is wrong and the way you choose to serve Him with your life is wrong.

It ain’t really my business anyway. I promise to be happy for you, whichever way you choose. Even if you decide to become an atheist, be the BEST ATHEIST YOU CAN BE!

I want you to be you.

I want you to allow me to be me.

I want all of us to stop judging each other based on some information passed on to us by our parents and our culture. The universal religion should be allowing others to be who they are and believe what they want to believe.

That’s really just my take on it.

You’re more than welcome to disagree.

I won’t judge you.

I found this and thought this was very nice.

Do you have them?

• A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears based on past experiences.
• An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
• A loss of interest in judging self.
• A loss of interest in judging others.
• A loss of interest in conflict.
• A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
• A loss of ability to worry.
• Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
• Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
• Frequent attacks of smiling through the eyes of the heart.
• Increasing susceptibility to love extended by others, combined with the uncontrollable urge to extend it.
• An increasing tendency to let things happen, rather than make them happen.
  ~~~~Author-Saskia Davis

My life is a miracle.

I have been reading everything I can about spiritual development because it seems like that’s where I am right now. I didn’t want to be, it just happened and I feel myself becoming more whole and happy and more satisfied than I’ve ever been which is so interesting to me because my life circumstances have not changed much. The only change that has taken place has been my perception of who I am and what’s important to me.

I’m actually studying a philosophy called Taoism right now, I’m trying to see how it’s principles can add to my life in a positive way. Good luck? Bad Luck? Who knows? is an example of a Taoist principle.

I also came across this Chinese healing technique called Ho’oponono. I can’t even remember where I was first introduced to it so I was not even sure what I was supposed to get out of it but anyway I decided to try it out tonight.

It’s a series of phrases like:

I forgive you.

I love.

Thank you.

I’m sorry.

Sorry, I can’t even find the information that I first saw this on. I’m so sorry but DAYUMMM– I tried it and WOW, I feel like I drank a can of Coca Cola! My spirit is on fire!

So..let me explain. From what I remember from the article I read about this, if you sit down and repeat these phrases you can heal yourself and those around you.

~scratches head~

Ok. I don’t really know about all of that but when I sat down to really meditate on the meaning of these statements and apply them to where I am right now…something happened.

I closed my eyes and spoke into my heart (The Divine Within), “I forgive you.”

Then all of these thoughts came rushing in. Memories of me being too hard on myself, times when I allowed others to treat me harshly and didn’t stand up for myself. Feelings about decisions I have made in my past that affected others in a negative way. It’s okay. It’s okay. I forgive you.

Then I said, “I love you.”

Yes, you who is sitting right here. I love you, Tee. I love you, Tee. Yes, you who is sitting right here. You who never believed you were worthy of love. You with the crooked teeth, the big feet, the wounded heart. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Then I said, “Thank you.”

Thank you, Tee. Thank you for allowing yourself this time to heal. Thank you for seeking a better place spiritually. Thank you for sharing your heart with your friends and family. Thank you for being you. Thank you, Tee. Thank you, Tee.

Then I said, “I’m sorry.”

I’m so sorry, Tee. I’m sorry for beating you up all these years. I’m sorry for not recognizing the shining star you are. I’m sorry for allowing others’ opinions to be more important than the truth. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

As I repeated each statement silently, my body began to experience a warm buzz. I felt energy flow from my toes to my head and then back down again. The energy pulsated like a vibrant neon sign, begging for more juice.

My vibrations are all the way high right now. I feel like I’m high, but I haven’t smoked anything. All I feel is love. I feel lifted. I feel like maybe I’m on another planet or something. I feel free.

I feel…peace.

I have never, ever sat down and just…forgave myself and showered myself with appreciation.

I’m going to make this a daily practice.

I love you, Tee. I mean it.

I’m sorry. I love you.

I love you.

My life is a miracle.

Instead of making a new year’s resolution, I decided that it would be a good idea to mke a list of things that I want to happen in 2008. I’ll share them with you and by the year’s end we’ll see how many of them came true.

1. I’d like to become even more spiritually aware.
2. Manifest beautiful events and surprises on a regular basis.
3. Write and sell e-books.
4. Visit my friends; Anna in Orlando, Kenya in Brooklyn, Kim in Chicago, Tamara in Atlanta
5. Go on my first cruise
6. Take my sons on their first airplane trip
7. Upgrade my career from freelance writer to magazine editor
8. Get my passport
9. Gain more life coaching clients and celebrate their success
10. Secure and maintain my own home for myself and my sons
11. Bless my parents financially
12. Develop more methods to help people accomplish their dreams, love themselves and have better relationships.
13. Write a prize-winning feature story
14. Win a big prize in a contest
15. Love myself more and more each day
16. Get my teeth fixed
17. Completely revamp my wardrobe
18. Experience a miracle that will have me crying with happiness
19. Have a wonderful celebration for my birthday
20. Gain a mentor

Ahh..Those sound like great experiences.

Now..I’ll forget all about them and I’m sure they’ll happen.

May God bless you and guide you during this year, every step of the way.