Month: November 2007

I woke up from my nap in the Wendy’s parking lot and went inside to wash my face. After glancing at the clock on my dashboard I noticed that I had only been sleeping for an hour and a half.

I jumped back on I10 and rode out!

All the way to Gainesville and straight to my little brother’s apartment.

“Hey,” he greeted me at the door and then gave me a tour of his place.

“Thanks Erick. I just need to take a shower and then I’m going to sleep.”

“Aight.”

Curt called me to check up on me. He had just gotten back into town from his business trip but I fell asleep before being able to square things away with him.

The next morning I called Tonya and I met her at her apartment before she went to work. I laughed when i saw that she had her laptop all set up for me. She knows I need to feed my internet addiction. Instead of chatting or emailing I fell asleep and I didn’t wake up until after 1pm.

I met up with Tonya and she blessed me with a little cash and I stopped by Best Buy to buy Kanye’s CD.

As I got on the road..the last leg of my trip to Miami I turned up the speakers and fell in love all over again…with Kanye and his brand new Graduation CD.

By this time I could feel my boys presence. I was only 5 hours away from seeing them. I fantasized about touching them, kissing them and holding them again. Those fantasies kept me steady during that stretch.

It was 7pm when I finally..finally reached South Florida.

I planned to stay with my cousin but at the last minute she said her new apartment wasn’t ready so I went to my Mama’s house, said hello and was back in my car within 10 minutes.

“Um…BBDD?” I called out his name when he answered his cell phone. “I’m in Miami and I’d like to see my boys. I’m coming over.”

“Can it wait until tomorrow? They’re getting ready for bed.”

“No. I just want a hug.”

“You’re not allowed in my house,” he told me.

“Alright. I just want to see my boys.”

When I got to his house he ushered the boys outside onto the porch and I could see their faces light up under the dim street lights as they embraced me.

I couldn’t believe how HUGE they were. My little Boo Boo’s were like..BIG BOYS. My 5 year old was so yummy! I squeezed them and kissed them and promised to pick them up the next morning to spend the day.

I went back to my Mama’s house and quietly sat down on the couch.

The same couch that I had slept on for a year when I first moved back to Miami with my sons after college.

“Here’s a sheet,” my Mama said and I set myself up for the night.

And then I..slept.

When I got back to Miami, I could finally breathe again. I hung out with my boys, we went to eat we cuddled and we talked and reminisced.

Even though it was my first full day back in town I had plans already. I went to a young professional networking event to see who I could meet. It was very nice event and I ran into a magazine publisher which translated into a few freelance writing assignments for me.

Other the next few days I really dove into planting seeds for my career here in Miami. A friend of mine from highschool had contacted me prior to me even knowing that I would be moving to Miami. He told me that he was working at a television station and could get me in.

He did. Within days of my arrival I was touring the station and then paired with one of the long time writers to begin my tutorial for television writing. I filed an application with the station and kept going back everyday, learning how to format the stories, the language, how to script for television news packages, how to choose compelling footage to go along with the stories that I wrote.

I’ll admit, all that shit was foreign to me on my first day there and since I’m a perfectionist I went home crying. This type of writing isn’t anything like newspaper or magazine journalism. First of all, you have to write everything in the present tense as if it’s happening now..

Breaking news…Bombs dropping on the South Side Of China, Residents fleeing amidst turmoil

Everything has to be written as if its happening RIGHT NOW. And you have to make it all sound so dramatic.

You get a tip sheet of facts about the story or maybe a press release. Then you go find corresponding video footage in the video file. Then you write the story and it has to be either :20 seconds or :40 seconds long. So your writing has to be succint, yet compelling.

After my first day breakdown, I went back in with a vengeance and I nailed those damn practice stories! And everyday the assignments got more difficult. And everyday, I nailed that shit.

I can write anything…

This went on for about a month. The cool thing about having access to a television studio is the fact that you get to see all of the television personalities up close and believe me they look NOTHING like they look on TV.

Another cool thing about working/volunteering at a TV station was the fact that when they did the noon news show, my seat was directly behind the anchor desk so..if you watched the show you could see my head!

I called my Mama. “Mama, turn it on channel 7 and look at my head in the background!”

I loved going in there and meeting everyone. Everyone kept asking me when I was starting and I had no clue because no one from HR had contacted me yet. I just kept going back and practicing and learning until my money for gas started getting low.

Before I allowed that to happen I decided to make my move.

There is a department there that I would like to work for. It’s an entertainment news show that’s been around for a long time. When I was 16 me, Tamara and Anna were at the mall and the video crew asked us to be a part of the video they were shooting and the next month it aired on the show. We were riding the carousel with a rap group and singing Come and ride that train. You remember that song? The show actually aired on my birthday.

The other writers in news were telling me that I had to start as a news writer and work my way up to entertainment but I was like..I don’t have time for that.

So against the advice of the man who was training me, I popped a stick of gum in my mouth, freshened my lip gloss and walked right up to the department to introduce myself.

Before I even ascended the stairs I ran into a man who asked, “Are you looking for *Name of show*?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Are you looking for Carla?” he asked.

Bingo! Now I got a name to ask for when I get up there. “I sure am.”

“Oh well she’s right up there to the right. How do you know her?”

“I’ve been working in the news department learning the ropes of TV newswriting. I’m a journalist, but I’m in print and I’m hoping to make the transition to television. I’m very creative. I think this might be a good match.”

“And I love your personality,” he told me.

“Thank you.”

“Well go on up and talk to Carla then. Hopefully you’ll be around when I get back and we can chat some more.”

So I went up, said a prayer and walked into the office, smiling at everyone. I gave the superstar intro of who I am and where I’ve been and I also gave my objective. “I’m a magazine journalist which will translate well into entertainment because I have to produce feature packages on a regular basis. I know I can learn how to be a producer if I had the chance. Is there any way that I can be given a test assignment so that I can show you what I can do?”

“Well, we just filled the producer position that we have posted but from time to time we do need guest hosts to do the party patrol. Maybe you can start with that.”

“Thanks. I can do talent. That’s nice but I really understand the power behind producing and I’d like to learn how to produce a show. I’ll volunteer. I’ll assist. Whatever is necessary. I know I’ll be good at this.”

“Ok, give me your card and I’ll be in touch with you.”

I passed her my card and walked out the door.

Hmm..I heard there was another department up here somewhere. I found the office and again..I introduced myself to everyone and asked for the department head. When I foundher office I walked up and spoke my piece. She gave me her card and asked for my resume.

The next week I followed up with another visit to all 3 departments and reminded them of who I was and what I could do.

There was nothing left for me to do but continue to pursue other avenues and I began looking for receptionist and assistant jobs because I really enjoy those type of jobs and I’m good at them.

I still hadn’t heard anything from the TV station until last week when Carla emailed me asking me to contact her after sweeps week.

~crosses fingers~

I wonder what’s going to happen.

My boys have started playing sports.

My 5 year old plays t-ball and my 7 year old plays soccer.

The other day my friend Lem IMed me to ask about my boys and I told him about their sports and he said, “You’re a soccer Mom!”

I almost died laughing.

“When are you gonna go get that soccer ball sticker and put it on the back of your car?” he asked.

“Shut up!”

Every Saturday they have practice and I go to watch and cheer them on. This is a very interesting time for me because after so many years of never having to be in the same place with my son’s father, I am now not only in the same place with him but also his girlfriend.

The first day we were both there was an eye opening experience for me. Their Dad was out of town so she had the boys and brought them to practice. Watching my sons get out of her car and run up to me didn’t make me feel as badly as I thought it would.

For the first time I am the outside parent.

Looking at her after all of these years and remembering how I used to ignore her whenever I saw her made me feel bad. I used to think she took something away from me. Now I know she didn’t. So I decided to be cordial and ask her a few questions. She was okay with that.

In my quest to find a reason to be grateful in every situation, when I look at her I remind myself that I am grateful that she is a positive influence in their lives.

One Saturday I sat back and looked at them as a couple as they sat side by side on the bleachers. Something clicked.

They sure are a good match for each other. Not only are their personalities similar, they just look like they are on the same level, if you understad what I mean.

Some couples just LOOK like they belong together and to me, they do.

I don’t feel bad when I see them together although I used to. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything by not being with him.

Since I have traveled and met so many creative, successful professionals..it’s like..he’s not the top dog anymore. Any woman that is thinking that the man they lost is the best they will ever have…all I have to say is, meet more men. I assure you that you will find you are mistaken.

The best you will ever have will never walk away from you.

The best you will ever have will probably think you are too good to be true.

In order to receive the best you will ever have in a relationship I think it’s important to really understand that..it’s not necessary to even be in a romantic relationship. I think it’s the neediness that causes us to sabotage the relationship. Don’t stress about it. It will come.

I’m sure it feels good to be romanced and caressed and all that but..I won’t die if I don’t get it. I won’t crumble if no one ever tells me they love me again. In fact, I don’t really feel like I’m missing out on anything.

When I see my son’s father with his long-time girlfriend I think to myself, “I’m happy that they have found each other. We obviously weren’t a good match.” It’s not a big deal like it used to be.

My guyfriend once said to me that when a couple is in a long-term romantic relationship that simply means that one or both of them are still weighing their options on whether the relationship is a good fit for them.

I told him that I disagreed. I don’t think marriage is the goal in some relationships, some people just want to…relate. You know, be friends, share experiences, share life. I think there’s too much pressure to couple up and get married.

If you find somebody that you like, just chill and enjoy it. I don’t ever want to be with someone and stressing myself about whether or not he’s going to marry me.

I don’t even want some man stressing me about marrying him either. Maybe I’m looking at things this way because I already have two children so I’m not under a time table to procreate.

Life is life and I choose to allow things to unfold as they are supposed to.

I’m not stressing about anything and I’m not letting anything get to me.

I’ve found peace through this decision.

Sometime during all of this hustling around to sow seeds for my perfect job, I met a man.

Well..I rarely even talk to men that I don’t already know so of course he was no exception.

On the night of my pseudo class reunion Anna picked me up and we headed over to the lounge to meet up with a few of my classmates.

While at the bar Anna leans over and whispers, “There’s a guy coming and his name is Anthony. Act like you remember him.”

When Anthony approached us he gave us both a hug and I checked him out. Hmm..I remembered him from high school. But damn- he sure did get fine as hell over the last 10 years.

Anthony must be about 5’10” and he works out every minute it seems. We didn’t really talk much that night but we danced a little and he slipped me his business card.

After we were all nice and toasted we went home and I didn’t think about him again.

A couple of days later I got a note from him on myspace asking if I was too drunk to remember that we had seen each other. That made me laugh.

“Let’s hang out,” I wrote back to him and then paused. Uh…What’s wrong with you? Why did you write that? I shrugged it off and sent the note.

He wrote me back saying that I already had his number and I could give him a call at any time.

One night I called him and we talked for hours and hours. I really enjoyed his conversation and his sense of humor. I am usually annoyed or nervous around men because I feel like they are judging me or trying to hit on me but I didn’t feel put off by him at all.

The next day I went to see him and we spent the day watching TV and talking. He went and got me a pan con bistec and I ate that thing all in one sitting. I had never done that before and he laughed and said, “Somebody was hungry!”

He ended up moving to DC that same week for a new job and we have kept in touch almost everyday. Things had started to get a little weird over the phone when I realized that I kinda liked him. I tried everything I could to push him away but he’d just say, “So…have you found a good enough reason to stop talking to me yet?”

I fought with myself over this whole thing for quite a while. Sure, he’s handsome, sweet, black as the night, FINE and a good person. But…he’s not someone that I would be with. He’s not the man on my soul mate video. He doesn’t have paperwork. He’s not creative and brilliant like Kanye. He’s not a nerd at all.

I decided to stop talking to him because I didn’t want to lead him on. When I told him he said, “Why are you so scared?”

“Who says I’m scared?”

“You are.”

“Maybe I’m scared you are going to be like all the other men.”

“No, I think you are scared that I’m NOT going to be like them. You don’t know what to do with that.”

I stopped talking to him anyway. I don’t have time for the drama. But then I started missing his conversation. He doesn’t remind me of any man that I know. I think that’s a good thing.

So lately I have decided to just go with the flow. Talking with him makes me feel good and I’m allowed to feel good. Hell..I deserve it.

I don’t know. I don’t feel pressure at all to be with him. I just think that we are cool ass friends.

He’s coming next month and I will probably do it with him.

I think that would be nice.

I can spend time with my sons whenever I want to. I no longer have to fantasize about seeing them or yearn to touch them. They are only a 10 minute drive away.

I am so happy and grateful now that…

Those who are in my life right now have proven themselves to be tried and true friends. I never question their love for me and we support each other’s growth with unconditional love.

I am so happy and grateful now that…

My children have a father who has blessed their lives tremendously. I see him as my other half, taking up where I couldn’t and stepping in and being the perfect complement to who I am in their lives. They will become great men because of what he is teaching them.

I am so happy and grateful now that…

I am working toward my dream career. I have plenty of time to spend with my boys, all of my bills are consistently paid and everything that I am learning through this foundation time is preparing me for my imminent success.

I am so happy and grateful now that….

I have a great man in my life. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to be friends, to laugh with and to allow to be close to me. He doesn’t hurt me. He makes me feel good everyday. He doesn’t push me away. He adores everything about me. I needed that and I am thankful for it everyday.

I am so happy and grateful now that…

Money flows into my life easily, under grace, in perfect ways. I am never at a loss. My purse is always full. I simply open my palm and everything that I need appears like magic.

I am so happy and grateful now that…

I am truly in love with myself. It took so long to see the real beauty in me. I no longer care what my BBDD thinks about me. I don’t care what my parents may say, all I see is the promise ahead and that makes each day more beautiful than the one before it. I am a living miracle and my life is evidence of that.

I am so happy and grateful now that…

My friends and I are closer than ever. We see each other often in celebration of our life’s successes. Each milestone is a work of art, carefully crafted by God above. We all enjoy peace, prosperity and passion consistently.

I am so happy and grateful now that…

I am free to charter my own spiritual path. I no longer need anyone’s interpretation of who God is or should be in my life. I trust the God within me to guide me and continue to show me His plan for my life. I am free from the constraints of religion, overbearing influences and judgement. I am free to be me and live my life according to my own unique belief system which brings honor to God and nourishes my soul.

I am so happy and grateful now that…

I am so happy and grateful.

This Thanksgiving was extra special to me because I got to spend it with my sons compared to last year when I was in Atlanta and I was all alone.

They still live with their father because I still haven’t gotten myself together yet and the truth is, he is more stable financially than I am.

I sleep on the couch at my Mama’s house for the most part. But my clothes and other keepsakes are still in my car. In a sense, I’m still living like I did when I was in the hostels, I just have a consistent place to sleep every night and I don’t have to pay…until January, my Mama says. Then she’ll start charging me rent.

My BBDD and I had a few rough moments since I’ve gotten back to Miami but things seemed to have blown over between us. Our relationship is better than it has ever been before. He calls me when he is running late and I go get the boys until he can make it back to his part of town and whenever I ask to see them he never says No.

The problem is, I stay with my Mama and believe it or not, she hasn’t been that open to having them around all the time. But lately I’m beginning to think it’s that she doesn;t want to have ME around when they are around. She’s used to running the show when they are with her and will sometimes undermine my authority with the kids. So that creates a conflict when I won’t back down.

But after much hoopla between everyone, the boys were allowed to stay here with me for Thanksgiving break. Five whole days of love and today was day 2. We woke up early this morning and Thanksgiving dinner was already ready. In my Mama’s house, she stays up all night, the night before Thanksgiving to finish the dinner so by breakfast time, we can eat and then sleep and chill all day.

Things pretty much went that way today. We ate, we played. We laughed, we played some more. We ate again. By 4pm I got the boys dressed and we went to visit Tamara’s family.

It was great to see my girl again and her kids. Ofcourse she looks darling in some new apple bottom jeans. “These are the jeans that Ricky bought me,” she said and twirled. I only call her “new friend” Ricky because he is prettier than me…and her…and almost anyone I know. He’s beautiful.

While my kids played tag with her family’s kids in the backyard, all the adults took turns taking shots, eating and dancing to the calypso music blasting from the stereo. Her Mom has 7 sisters and they all look alike. You should see her family, they would make you jealous, all of these beautiful Trinidadian women dancing and whining their hips. I feel like such a nerd when I’m with them, I can’t do the whine thing for anything.

After about four hours of chatting and laughing, my back starts to hurt from my bra and I decided to call it a night. I gather my boys and we head back to my Mama’s house, listening to Kanye sing the whole way.

“What does that mean Mama?” my older son asked when he heard a verse from Everything I Am.

“Ummm…” I blushed. “Well, ‘when the shit hits the fan’ means ‘when everything blows up and gets out of control’.”

“Why does he say it like that?”

“It’s an old saying that people use. Remember when you asked me why he was talking about a city and calling it ‘her’ and I told you that poets tend to make an inanimate object and talk about it like it’s a living thing? Well, it’s just a play on words. When you love to write and speak, you can use simple words and give them different meanings.”

By the time we got back it was after 9pm.

“Go ahead and get undressed and then take a bath. Grandma says when you are all done you can play the Wii with her.”

After playing tennis, boxing, golf, baseball and bowling, the boys were a little tired so we went to lie down. It’s my favorite part of hanging out with them. They call it “cuddle time”.

“Why do you like to cuddle so much Boo Boo?” I asked my older son the last time they were here.

“Cuz we get to talk.”

We do.

We talk about everything. I ask them questions and they ask me questions and we really have some wild conversations.

Tonight was no exception.

Somehow we got on the subject of how God will give you something that you didn’t ask for and it will turn out to be the best thing for you.

“Rememeber how I told you that I thought I thought I wanted a girl when I was pregnant with you but God gave me you and now I’m so happy that He did that cuz girls are way too girly and I got the best gift I could have ever gotten. Two strong boys!”

“Mama…tell me how you ended up going to Georgia and Texas,” my older son asked out of the blue. “Why did you choose to go there?”

“Well, remember before I left I didn’t have a job?”

“You did have a job, Mama. What happened?”

“Well, I lost my job. They decided they didn’t want me to work there anymore. I got fired and I couldn’t find another one. So remember my friend we went to see tonight, Tamara?”

“Yes.”

“Well, she lives in Georgia and she invited me to come stay with her up there and try to find a job up there. I really didn’t want to go but I didn’t have any job down here so I had to try. Sometimes you have to make a move to get what you want.”

” But look what happened,” I explained. “I got fired from that job in Georgia too and ended up moving to Texas. If I would have had you we would have been struggling and God didn’t want that for us so that’s why He had you with your Daddy.”

“How many jobs did you have Mama?”

“Umm..about 4 different jobs since I left, baby.”

“Did they all fire you?”

“No, I left two of them to find a better job. Then the last one still wasn’t right for me, or so I thought at the time and I left it and came back here. I’ve been looking for secretary jobs down here but I can’t find one. So I’ve been working on my book and writing stories for newspapers and magazines.”

“When are you going to find a job, Mama?”

“I’m trying baby. But I tell you what. Remember that God has a plan for us and you are doing so well with your Daddy. He is taking such good care of you and ya’ll are learning and becoming such good little boys since ya’ll have been with him. Remember I told you that everything happens for a reason? No matter what happens, it’s God’s best for our lives and we have to be grateful even when it seems like it’s not what we want. I promise it’s all going to turn out for the best. See, we get to spend lots of time together. We get to cuddle and have fun.”

At this point, both my sons are laying next to me, one on each side,both cradled in my arms. My younger son starts rubbing his eyes and his brother says, “He’s crying, Mama.”

“No he’s not. He’s just sleepy,” I say. I can’t see him because it’s so dark.

“Boo Boo?” I call out. “Are you okay?”

I hear little whimpers and then I hear a long wail.

“What’s wrong Boo Boo? What’s wrong?”

His cries become more insistent and he starts gasping for air.

“Mama, I want to stay with yooooouuu….” he wails. “I want to be with youuu…”

I’m trying not to cry because I want the same thing but it’s not in the cards right now for us and there’s nothing I can do.

“Baby,” I say and wipe his tears. “Baby…Please don’t cry. We’re together right now right? We’re cuddling right now. We’ll be together again soon. Your Daddy is taking such good care of you. Just trust that things will work out for us. They have to. I want to be with you too.”

“Thank you boys for being so strong and so good for your Daddy. He loves you so much and so do I. Thank you for understanding,” I say and kiss both of them on their foreheads.

I hold him and I cry silently as he drifts off to sleep.

Everyday I remain joyful knowing that my situation is not permanent. I can see the other side. I can see me coming out.

I have no doubts about our wonderful future together.

I see me and my boys living lovely in our beautiful home. Their Dad is nearby and we both have a hand in raising our children. They are blessed, healthy and growing steadily and I praise God everyday for our happiness.

Even though things may seem like they will never get back on track, that is an illusion. Things always get back on track. Things always work out even better than we can imagine. But we won’t receive the best if we don’t understand God’s leading in our lives.

Through the ups and downs of life, the dissappointments and the fear, there is one thing that is consistent and that is wherever we are in life, there is a purpose for it. Nothing is permanent. not failure, not bliss, not success. The only thing we can count on is the evolution. And through it all we must trust that we are moving toward a brighter future.

If we can’t trust in that then we may as well go lock ourselves away and throw away the key. If we choose not to do that, then we must choose to focus on the promise that things WILL get better.

I choose to smile and be grateful for the promise, every single day.

My life is a miracle.

I just dropped off my boys back to their Daddy’s house. Before they walked up to the porch we hugged each other tightly and said “I love you.”

This entire holiday break was like magic to me. Being with them everyday and sleeping with them every night was my dream come true.

Late one night I woke up from my slumber and realized that I was gasping for air. My asthma acts up this time of the year and I have to just calm myself down and focus on my breathing in order for it to return to normal. But this time, as I sat up straight and watched my boys sleep I smiled to myself and said to God, “I could die right now and be content because this is really as good as it gets.” I caught myself and redirected my thoughts, “No, this is not as good as it gets. This is wonderful…but I’m sure there’s even more wonderful circumstances on the way. I would like to live to see it.”

Through my time away from this public forum I have completely changed my thought patterns which have subsequently altered my entire life.

And it all started when I began to study the Law of Attraction.

One of my blog readers kept mentioning it to me because she was a new student herself so one day I decided to read up on it and I kept reading and reading and reading and reading. I did a whole series on Understanding & Applying the Law of Attraction on my website as a result of my intense study but I will admit, the series was more of a way for me to express my gratitude for all of the information that is out there on the topic.

I know most people have either seen The Secret or heard about it in some form and most equate it’s teaching with those existing ‘get rich quick’ schemes but the magic behind the teaching is far from a scheme.

The Law of Attraction says that what we think about most is what we will attract. Like attracts like. It sounds so hard to understand when we think about it in terms of controlling our thoughts and redirecting them. But it’s all really about maintaining a feeling of joyful expectancy at all times.

How can you do that?

It’s easier than it seems.

Are you feeling sad and depressed because nothing in your life seems to be going the way you planned it? Is nothing working out for you? Are you continuously wondering what you are doing wrong?

Allow me to be the first to say that you are not doing anything wrong. You are exactly where you are supposed to be in this journey called life. You are on the path to your brightest future but for some reason you can’t recognize it because your eyes and mind are focused on what you do not have.

You may be critical of yourself and others because you are not being treated the way you deserve but no one is the cause of your unrest but you. It’s time to stop complaining about life and enjoying your life because before you know it all of your memories will be sad ones.

The teachings behind the law of attraction changed my life because they taught me how to be grateful for who I am at this very moment. Each day I express gratitude for my life’s direction and my expectations for my life are only good ones. Yeah, sometimes I have down moments but I have realized that those down moments occur when I allow someone else’s opinion of me to become more important than my own.

I wish I could shake you and show you the way to enlightenment but I now realize that you have your own path and timing. Those who tried to push me their way only proved successful in pushing me away. So I won’t push, I’ll just say…for me…the key to becoming satisfied with my life came when I decided that I would not feel sorry for myself or condemn myself for not being on the path that others have followed.

Sure there is so much more that I want to happen in my life but now those goals aren’t so pressing anymore. I’m not as anxious as I was and I don’t hate myself like I used to. I am so grateful that God has equipped me with a sound mind to make decisions, a healthy body to be able to go for my dreams and all the love I could ever need. And it was already there, I just didn’t know it.

All my life I have been on this self improvement kick. My greatest desire was to be a good person and treat others like I always wanted to be treated. I didn’t always hit my mark, due to my own selfishness and pride but for the most part I don’t think there’s anyone alive who can say that I did them dirty and never tried to make things right.

I love who I am and where I am going in my life. I’m not in a race to beat out anyone and I’m not jealous of anyone either. Those people who were once in my life and created havoc are no longer apart of my life and I am grateful for that too.

I have realized that those who are critical of others are doing it because they are desperately trying to make themselves feel better. Their actions toward others mirror the actions that they think they themselves deserve. At the root of their bitterness is fear. At the heart of their hate is insecurity. The foundation of their ill guided actions is self hatred. Any person that you encounter that is outright mean is simply screaming for someone to love them. After all, our actions reflect the condition of our heart.

My heart says chill out and enjoy the journey to greatness, whatever that may be. Allow your emotions to align with the outcome that you desire. I always tell my friends, “You will attract whatever your mind if focused on. You either attract your greatest fears or your greatest desires. Whichever you expect is what you will end up with. So please, choose peace.”

Happiness is not a result of happy circumstances, nor is it is something that should be pursued. Happiness is a choice and many of us are more comfortable choosing discomfort and pain because it is what we are used to. Try getting used to feeling good and expecting the best.

It really did change my life.

I can’t wait to see what happens next!

My life is a miracle.

I had a bad dream last night. I won’t even repeat it because it’s not uplifting or important. But the thing that amazed me the most was my reaction to my dream.

When I woke up, remembering the images and the bad feelings, I immediately thought to myself, “That’s not true. That’s not what I want. I’m not going to think about that anymore.” I then proceeded to think about what I DO want in my life, my perfect source of income, more time with my sons, becoming a help to many people through my encouraging words.

By the time I fell asleep again I was smiling and joyful, eager to get back to dream land.

That one decision to reject the horrible feeling associated with negative thoughts is what has changed my life. I recognize that I have control over my life and my satisfaction level because I choose to ignore those things that make me feel bad. I ignore those people who say things intentionally to hurt me. I ignore those thoughts that try to convince me to compare myself to others and I just..conciously work on loving me.

This habit that I formed doesn’t feel like work anymore. It feels more like choosing laughter over crying or choosing chocolate over vanilla. Which would you choose? It’s as simple as that really.

I don’t feel like being sad or depressed today. I feel better when I think about how I want my life to be and how much love surrounds me. I feel better knowing that there is no one standing between me and my relationship with God. I feel good when I recognize that living in my dream world and actively pursuing my dreams as though they are promised to me, brings with it a sense of excitement that I have never experienced before.

I dream a lot. I dream vividly and LOUDLY. I even dream when my eyes are open. Sometimes I have to snap myself out of it. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m doing it until someone says, “Hey! Wake up!”

I can’t help that I’m such a dreamer. It’s a part of who I am and I now appreciate that. I have dreams for everyone I meet. I can give a whole scenario about their lives, how they will get better and the kind of happiness they will enjoy in the future. I can even come up with steps to advise them how to get there.

It’s as though my dreams for myself and others are taking me to a place that I have never known before. I am seeking peace and my desire to be my most authentic ME is finally coming to pass.

Through my spiritual studies I am encouraged to dream. I am challenged to let go of conventional thought patterns that have held me in bondage for years and focus on images and actions that will lead me to my very best life.

It was a little scary when I decided that I didn’t want to be a part of anyone’s religion. Instead I decided to seek my own spiritual evolution and through seeking I have found the greatest peace I have ever experienced. That’s what I always wanted. I couldn’t find it in a church. I couldn’t find it through seeking the approval of my Pastor. I found it when I let go of trying to prove myself to others and God.

It’s so wild that as children we were taught to fear God. “God is watching.” “God’s gonna get you.” “You’re going to hell if you don’t act right.”

Instead of living righteously and doing good in the world out of love for ourselves and others, we “act right” out of fear of eternal punishment. I’m not down with that anymore. I’m not going to teach that to my children. I’m not going to live in fear of a make believe hell that was crafted for the purpose of keeping order and fear in the common man. That whole thing was about control.

I am not interested in that.

I am interested in continuing to love myself and others just like Jesus did. It’s funny that even though I no longer associate myself with religion, I do still believe in Jesus and his teachings. His name is still powerful to me but now I realize that his name is powerful because I believe it to be so. Every belief that we hold sacred gains its power from our attachment to it.

Whatever is giving you peace, keep doing that. If it’s bringing more turmoil and causing you to hate the person that God made, walk away from it. You are not who they say you are. You are who you believe you are.

I wish that more people would practice the art of allowing others to be who they are and love what they love. If we would step back and just..allow others to live their lives the way they see fit instead of judging who they are and where they are by our own standards, there would be much less conflict.

No one knows “the way” because their are many “ways”. But some believe they do because their “way” works for them or maybe it’s because they are so attached to the “way” that they have been told to believe that in order to grasp the concept of anything else would mean having to think for themselves and for most, that’s a horrifying concept.

For some, holding on to what they have been told brings them peace and that’s a good thing. But just like I can’t squeeze into your size 4 jeans I can’t squeeze into your expectations for me and I don’t want to.

What I want is to be free to do the things I love to do and to reap the benefits of being the person that I am. On the real, the key to being happy is appreciation. Appreciating who you are at every moment is like the greatest high imaginable.

That is really the secret behind The Secret and all of those teaching being sold by the pound. If you learn to think of yourself as a wonderful, beautiful creation of God and believe that your very best life is NOW and FOREVER then you will never experience the blues, be disappointed with your life choices or even feel like you are lacking.

I am not lacking anything in my life. Everything I need is on my pathway and every good feeling I want to experience is already a part of my life.

I am not missing anything because I have it all right now.

My life is a miracle.

I just got back from hanging with my friend Lem. I saw him a few weeks ago when we attempted to go to a free Jill Scott concert at the Hard Rock Casino. When we got there the line was so long that we both looked at each other and said, “Hell naw…” We ended up going to pick up some food and just heading home.

I’ve mentioned Lem before but I have never told the story of how we met and became friends.

I remember it well. I was 15 years old and in the 10th grade. He was 16 and in the 11th grade. The first time I saw him I was in the library during lunch because Tamara and Anna were with their boyfriends and I didn’t feel like tagging along.

I was on this “I want a Dominican boyfriend” kick and when I saw his soft brown skin and hispanic features I smiled to myself.

I walked over to him with my usual confidence and asked, “Are you Dominican?”

“No.” he replied with a smile.

“Ok,” I said and walked away.

I saw him again in the hallway a week or so later and I casually touched his arm and smiled. He smiled back and someone pulled my arm and I walked away without saying a word. We became friends after that and I quickly realized he wasn’t aggressive enough for me. Back then I considered him to be a “duck” and my friends and I would say “quack, quack” when we saw him.

I now realize the only reason I gave him that label was because he wasn’t all eager to please and sexually aggressive like the others boys. In those days I considered that to be ‘lame’. I guess I still do.

But even after Lem graduated and went to college in Atlanta he still kept in touch with me. He would write me letters from Morehouse and call to check up on me and I liked the way our friendship had blossomed.

He had more on his mind than just friendship with me and I enjoyed his pursuit to a certain degree. When I got to college he would come and visit whenever he could and he was the guy who would do anything to be with me. I simply was uninterested because I thought he was so blah. I remember going to FAMU’s homecoming and he would come down by himself just so he could see me. I still wanted nothing to do with him romantically, after all he was a ‘good guy’ and being a silly young women I had no appreciation for a guy like that.

Lem was the definition of a true guy friend and even though I consistently tried to push him away he would never give up. Even after I had my first son we went out a few times and he told me that he loved me as we sat under the stars in the sand on Miami Beach. I wrinkled my nose at that declaration.

Whatever I was into he was always supportive. When i decided to sell Mary Kay cosmetics in college he gave me money to get started. When my first son had his first birthday he gave him a savings bond. Even after I had my second son he called me up asking me if it would be okay if he moved to Gainesville.

“No Lem,” I pleaded. “Why are you doing this? We are just friends.”

“But we don’t have to put a label on anything, we can just try and see what happens,” he asked.

“No Lem.”

But the day came when the tables turned. One day I said Hi to him on the IM and asked what he was up to.

“Oh, I just got off the phone with my girlfriend.”

STOP THE PRESSES!

“What girlfriend?” I typed to him.

“I have a girlfriend now.”

“CALL ME RIGHT NOW.”

My house phone rang a few minutes later and I interrogated him like he was caught redhanded for murder.

“How long have you been with her?”

“6 months.”

“Are you having secks with her?”

“Yes.”

I couldn’t believe it. My long time admirer had finally moved on. It really hurt my heart.

“Are you happy Lem?”

“Yes. She’s a good girl.”

“I can’t believe this,” I told him.

“Tee. I mean..Sometimes you realize that you can’t catch a shooting star and you let go.”

But we remained friends after that. When I moved back to Miami he had just moved back months earlier and anytime I needed him he was there. Through the hurricanes and no power, he would show up with food. When I was in the hospital with no food, he would come and bring me a plate. When I was sick he would bring medicine. There was nothing I couldn’t have when it came to him.

But this time, I felt different about him because he had changed.

After he graduated from Morehouse Lem was a completely different person. There’s something strange that happens to people who graduate from HBCU’s. They come out of college thinking they can rule the world. Lem was no exception. This newfound confidence he exhibited was so sexy to me.

But alas, it wasn’t in the stars for us and to this day we remain friends. We chit chatted all night long about whatever, played tunk and drank some Parrot Bay. Remember Parrot Bay? ~shakes head~ That liquor sooo reminds me of college. Parrot Bay and pineapple juice to get the party started! Man..college was fun!

He says he has chosen a wedding date for he and his girl. They will tie the knot sometime next summer. He’s a teacher now. He’s actually living his dream. He always wanted to be a highschool history teacher and now that is exactly what he is doing. I am so proud of him.

We sat on the patio and allowed the cool breeze to tickle our bare skin. Lem, in his glasses and nerdy demeanor. I always loved his old soul. Whenever I would get angry at men and try to swear them off forever, I’d remember him and how he never, ever showed me anything but love.

Lem is a gem and I know that I’ll love him forever.

And I know he’ll always love me too because no man ever forgets his first.

My life is a miracle.

I was browing websites today. Ahh..What a luxurious life I lead!

When I came to the PostSecret website I smiled and begin to investigate other people’s secrets. There was one secret there that read: I want to lose my virginity in an elevator.

Huh?

Girl, no you don’t!

Which led me to share the story of my deflowering. LOL!

This is a rated R entry. For mature audiences only.

I remember the day like it was yesterday.

I was 17 years old and completely in love with my highschool sweetheart B. After two years of off and on dating I decided that I wanted to get it over with and give up my virginity. It wasn’t a sexual hunger, it was just a decision.

I saw him at school that morning and I went up to him and said, “I want to do it.”

“For real?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright. Let’s go.”

We caught the bus back to his house in the projects. No one was at home that day and I was glad. He took me upstairs to his mother’s room and we undressed and took a shower together.

Then he spread out a sheet on the bed and I laid down on top of it. I stared at the ceiling thinking, “I can’t believe I’m going to do this. I can’t believe I’m going to do this.”

I can’t even tell you what happened. Maybe half an hour later he was finally “in” and I just laid there frozen. That was all.

We didn’t do anything else because I was in shock.

I got up and got dressed saying, “I’m tired I don’t want to do anything else.”

I went downstairs and beeped Anna to tell her what happened.

When she called back I said, “I did it and then my period came on.”

“Don’t tell your Mama,” she advised me.

I’m glad she said that. A few hours later my “period” was gone.

A week later B and I tried again. This time his brothers were at home in the living room but we didn’t care.

We went up to his room and I boldly undressed, hoping for the real deal this time.

“Ok Tee. We’re going to do it this time,” he said.

He took off his clothes and reached over to the stereo and put in a tape. You’re probably thinking it was a slow jam compilation, right?

WRONG!

It was a 2 LIVE CREW mixtape!

“Aiight Tee,” he proclaimed as he flipped me on to my stomache. “Face down, ass up, just like the song says.”

“Are you sure this is how it goes?” I muttered.

I did it.

“Ok, Tee. Now you see how I’m pushing forward, you have to push back too. This is called throwing it back.”

“Like this?” I asked.

I could hear him laugh, “Just like that.”

“Aiight Tee. Now this is called hitting corners,” he explained.

“Ok, Tee. Now I’m going to lay on my back, right. And you get on top.”

“On top?”

“Yeah. Just slide down and then just dance to the music like you would at a party.”

“Doo Doo Brown?”

“Yeah just do the Doo Doo Brown.”

“Like this?” I asked as I danced.

His eyes closed and he whispered, “Just like that.”

This “lesson” went on for the entire length of the mixtape. I stopped dancing suddenly when I felt something funny happening to my leg.

I paused and looked down at my left thigh. It was vibrating by itself.

“B. Look at my leg.”

We both watched as my leg vibrated as though it was battery operated.

“What’s going on?” I asked him. “Why is my leg doing that?”

“I don’t know Tee. Are you okay?”

“I am but I don’t know why my leg is doing that? This is crazy.”

“Ok let’s stop and see if it stops then,” he suggested.

It didn’t stop. We both sat and stared at my thigh, trying to understand what was going on.

We never did figure it out.

Three months later I was watching Def Comedy Jam and a comedian made a joke about having an orgasm. “All that oooh, ooh, ahhh shit is fake!” she said. “You wanna know if your woman is cumming for real? You gotta check that left leg. It start to shakin…and shit!”

My eyes grew wide and I grabbed the phone to call B.

“B!” I exclaimed. “Guess what this lady on Def Comedy Jam just said?”

After I told him the joke he couldn’t stop laughing. We were both on the phone cracking up.

I’ll never forget that experience of course. B and I are still close friends to this day.

He called me about a month ago and said, “Tee, I love you.”

“You do?” I laughed.

“Yeah. I realized the other day that you are my oldest friend. All those other people from highschool and round the block, none of them are my life anymore. You’re the only one that lasted this whole time. I love you for that.”

“Thanks B.”