Month: August 2007

Today is a special day.

One year ago today I arrived in Atlanta to begin my journey. If I knew that life would have taken so many turns I would have never left Miami.

If someone would have told me that in order to receive peace and joy and have abundant faith as I seek God’s divine will for my life I’d have to move to 3 different cities, live with strangers, sleep in hostels and a homeless shelter and get fired from jobs, quit jobs, living with no income, accepting donations from strangers just to eat while I set a firm foundation for my career all so I could take care of my kids and live my dream, I would have been like, “Nahh…I’m straight. I’ll be a secretary.”

Now I can see why God doesn’t always show you all the steps. He reveals the end result so you won’t be afraid of the journey and you can focus on your promise.

I drove away from Miami on August 5, 2006 not knowing that one whole year later, I still wouldn’t have my children with me. Everyday I look at their pictures and I hear their voices and I know that they are well. I remember that this isn’t the end and we will be reunited again.

The growth that I have experienced because of my faith and fearlessness is priceless and I thank God for it everyday.

This year I am wiser, stronger, more fearless and I have a set vision for my life.

Next year I will be even more wise, even more strong, accomplished and surrounded by love and laughter.

Thanks for riding out with me and sticking by me through the bumps and trials. It’s a smooth ride to completion from here. So relax and enjoy….

My Tuesday chat with readers last night went well. Three people logged on to chat with me. One person from Cincinnati, my regular chat buddy from Queens, NY and a reader named Tara from New Jersey.

They asked me all kinds of questions that made me laugh like:

What would you say if your BBDD tried to holla at you?

Um…Eww..Holla back!

What would you say if The Prez called you?

Go to hell! Naw..I’m just playin. I haven’t decided what I would say yet. I’m kinda mad because he never tried before but I never really actually TOLD him I liked him. LOL!

Do you think he reads your blog?

I wondered about that but I have no idea.

When you wrote that post where you were drunk, was that real?

Yeah! When you’re all alone in a city and you have no friends you have to learn how to entertain yourself!

Who wrote those letters from the exes?

My friend Lem wrote one and JB wrote the other one.

Sometimes you are vague when you write and other times I feel like you’re being so real. Why be vague?

Well..I try not to write anything negative about people. Even when I was at my last job I was not really waking up happy to go there towards the end. But I still tried to only say positive things. That’s why people were so shocked when I left. I’m usually vague when I’m trying to hide the identity of the person I’m writing about. Everyone knows that I write about everything but I still want to respect people’s privacy.

We chatted for well over an hour and a half and all 3 of my readers blessed me and sent out well wishes over my life. It really encouraged me! Thanks!

I spoke with Kim today. She’s in Atlanta right now picking up the last of her things before she drives back to Chicago to get her hustle on.

Talking with Kim is like…Whoa! I always hang up feeling so refreshed and focused on where I need to go in Christ. It’s as though she is right here with me blessing me everyday.

Shawna called me today as well after reading my last post. She gave me a sermon on how to give God your best and trust Him to do the rest. I only call it a sermon because she told me that her secret desire is to be a pastor. I think she’d make a great one. Although she admits that she sometimes want to shake me for the decisions that I make, she also understands that what makes her happy and content may not make me happy.

“I could look at you and tell you that I would never live life like you do,” she said. “But then you could look at me and say the same thing. That’s why I just try to support what you’re doing by giving words of wisdom when I can.”

She blesses me!

I just hung up the phone with Leon. He called to check up on me and tell me about the new car he bought his wife. Leon’s marriage is so special. Sometimes I have to ask him if he is for real. He says that his wife takes such good care of him and never tells him no when he asks for something and that’s why he will never say no to any of her requests. He also says that he doesn’t feel like he deserves a woman like her but he feels that God is showing him unconditonal love through his wife.

Amazing!

I’m hoping that it is becoming an epidemic. All around me I’m beginning to notice men who honor the women in their lives. Remember Ross, the photographer? Well, he got engaged last week. Take a look at his engagement slide show. It’s great! He planned a surprise engagement for her under the guise of a photo shoot and he even hired a private chef to make them dinner and had an artist perform spoken word for her. Dude..he WASHED HER FEET! That was soo sweet.

The best thing about meeting Ross was hearing his love story. The way he spoke about her with so much honor and awe just blew me away. He told me that through all of the women he had dated, she was the only one who let him be himself. He was raised to be a gentleman and the women he was with didn’t like him trying to be a man and take care of them. “She lets me be the man,” he said. “I appreciate that.”

I was reviewing an old email I sent to a woman a while ago. It outlined some of the things I hoped for in my life and one of them was finding a medium to give my gift of inspiration. I was hoping that I could find a business that could use my talents but now I see that it wasn’t meant to be. I accomplished my dream by creating my own vehicle of expression. When no door presents itself, take out your pen and paper and draw your own.

I’m feeling so good right now. Better than I have ever felt before. You know that feeling you get when you wake up from a good nap and then go to the bathroom to pee?Mmmm…Yeah that’s how I feel? Relieved…

No, I haven’t received my blessing yet but I can count how many times God has come through for me, sometimes placing me in uncomfortable situations in order to push me into the next phase of my journey.

Think about how I was in Miami. I couldn’t find a job. I was depressed and my mind was twisted up. He opened the door for me to go to Atlanta and work for a magazine.

Remember when I was looking for an apartment in Atlanta and all kinds of obstacles presented themselves. I was so frustrated! When I decided to move into a place on a month to month basis, look what happened, an opportunity presented itself in Houston and I wasn’t tied down by a lease so I was free to go.

What about the time in Houston when I was looking for an apartment? I finally found one but the same WEEK I was about to sign a lease, the job opportunity here in Dallas presented itself. Though I didn’t actually KNOW that I would be offered the job, in my heart I knew it was for me and I followed my peace and came here.

So now I am in my apartment in Dallas and I love this city, I love who I am. I don’t believe that God would bless me with this apartment and the peace to sign a lease if He wanted me to leave. He even gave me a bed so that I would be more comfortable just as I asked Him if I should stay or not.

Sometimes you have to look at the past in order to get you through your circumstances. And my past lets me know that God is always right on time in every situation. Who knows, this may or may not be the place of blessing for me but I know that right now I am blessed.

And I’ll be blessed tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after, no matter what happens. I’m open to being positioned by Him. I embrace the signs He sends my way and I will follow His lead no matter what anyone else says.

Miracle shall follow miracle…

I was half joking about finding someone to do it with. But I was half serious too.

Ironically I took a quick trip to the bathroom in the middle of a writing session and ~sigh~ my monthly visitor is here.

~shakes head~

I told you God protects us from ourselves sometimes.

But I was excited about going out and seeing a familiar face. My friend Mike is in town. We met at Florida. He was a bit older than I am but he was always so sweet to me. He’s married with a daughter now and living in Tampa. He and his friends meet once a year to have a fantasy football conference. What is that, you ask? I don’t really know. I think they play football on the internet or something. So they meet in a different city every year to hang out and then have their football draft.

Men can be so creative sometimes!

I arrived at Maxwell’s at 10pm. It’s this club/restaurant/karaoke bar on Beltline. I had been there once before but I didn’t stay long because I had a drink and I started to get sleepy. Plus, when you go to things by yourself, it’s not as fun.

When I got there I texted Mike to let him know that I had arrived. He texted me back saying they were about 50 minutes away. “What?! Ya’ll better be looking good!” I texted back. He had called me two hours before saying that they were already getting dressed. It only took me 45 minutes to get dressed so I don’t know what was going on with them.

As soon as I walked in I choose a table in the far corner and sat down by myself. They started the karaoke set and men and women went up to perform old time favorites like, “The Humpty Dance” and “Purple Rain”. In between each song, they played snippets from comedy shows over the large television screens and plenty of good music.

It was soo nice! I know I was there by myself but I was really enjoying myself.

I met a man. Well, he introduced himself to me. I hadn’t even been there for five minutes when I see this man walk over in my direction. He stopped right in front of me and leaned down and whispered, “I saw you walk in and I have to say, You are one beautiful woman.”

“Thank you,” I said and put on my girly girl act like I ws blushing. Whatever!

“Would you happen to be single?” he asked me. “My name is Blah.”

“Yes, but I don’t really date.”

“Why not?”

I shrugged, “I’m still trying to figure some things out.”

“Well, if I give you my card, maybe you can think about it and decide if you want to call.”

“That sounds nice,” I told him.

He handed his card to me and I put it in my purse without looking at it.

I don’t know. Regardless of all of my fantasy obsessions with men, I am not attracted to men easily. I have to be impressed by a man before I can be attracted to him. Most times I can tell upfront that I don’t like a man no matter how nicely he presents himself. It’s not really about looks either. Remember I like nerdy guys. The muscles and the chiseled features don’t do a damn thing for me. I like entrepreneurs. I like status. I like success. I don’t want anyone’s employee, I want THE BOSS! If he’s not any of those things then I am uninterested. ~shrugs~

If only men introduced themselves with a copy of their resume stapled to their lapel. That way I could get more excited about meeting them.

I had no problem waiting on Mike and his friends because I was enjoying the music too much. By the time my phone chimed and I saw a text from him asking, “Where are you?” I was nice and happy.

“I’m over in the eating area,” I typed back. “Against the wall.”

I stook up and looked around, expecting him to appear. I haven’t seen him in maybe 6 years but we keep in touch over the IM almost every day. He shows me pictures of his daughter and his wife who just finished her master degree. He and his friends plan cruises and travel together with their wives. He has a great house and he even plants flowers and bushes because he loves gardening. He’s the quintessential family man. No debt. No worries. He just does what he loves to do. He’s a good person. Everyone who knows him loves him.

I actually met him my freshman year of college at some event or another. One night I ran into him hanging outside of my dorm and I asked him, “I don’t have anything to do tonight. Do you know what’s going on?”

He opened his cell phone and made a phone call. When he closed it he said, “Some girls I know are going to the movies tonight. They will be here in 10 minutes to pick you up.”

He’s so nice!

I saw a figure approaching me. The man smiled and I knew it was him. He gave me a big brotherly hug and we headed to the bar to get drinks.

Man…it feels so good to see someone that I know loves me!

We walked over and he introduced me to all 8 of his crew. It turns out that they all did their undergrad at Florida so I was excited to see so many successful Black Gators. I remembered a few of them but most of them were a lot older than I am, but very attractive I might add.

We drank and danced and danced. In Texas they do a lot of line dancing so I was able to learn a few more steps to add to my poor repertoire. In Dallas I’m actually a good dancer, well according to the men. They don’t understand that my style of dancing was what I was raised on. In 1st grade we had Doo Doo brown contests in the parking lot and that’s just Miami style to know how to shake your ass. In Miami I am a horrible dancer. My friends all tell me to sit down. But here I am a star! LOL!

I didn’t get home until 1:30am and Mike called me to make sure I made it home safely. He and his friends plan to play golf this morning, teeing off at about 7:30am and then they are going bowling before they start their fantasy draft.

Hopefully, I’ll see him again before he leaves but if not, at least I got a hug to tide me over until I get to see another friendly face. It’s good to have friends.

A few of my most memorable posts from the past.

No More Days Like This
My son hits his head and I can’t find my bra to take him to get stitches.

The Real Ms. Tee
I have a twin in New Orleans.

The House On Chapel Drive
Tamara’s 25th Birthday Celebration In Tallahassee

Hot & Cold With The Attorney
My dream date with a Miami attorney with a surprise ending. He’s also a blogger in our community, I hear. ~wink~.

The Worst Night Ever
Trapped on South Beach in a cold ass parking lot with my friend Sylvia.

All In My Head
Daydreaming about a better future.

Black Faces: After Hurricane Katrina
My recount of watching the events surrounding Hurricane Katrina.

We Suffer In Silence
The post that pushed me to confront my abusive relationship.

Baby Steps
My baby goes to kindergarten and learns how to open his milk.

101 Things
101 Things I’d Never Reveal On a First Date and othe embarrassing facts about me.

Can you think of any other posts that you can’t forget?

I have this weird feeling and I don’t know what it means…I feel exposed in some ways and actually..well..I know you all are reading this in fascination, disgust or admiration and to you these are just words on a screen but damn, these feelings are so real to me they overwhelm me. I don’t know how to explain that my life is more than this ‘online reality show’.

This is real. My heart is real. I am real. Sometimes I don’t want to be seen as that girl from the blog. Sometimes I want to turn the camera off because I’m tired of sharing my struggle. I want you to see me in triumph. I want you to see me laugh…not like this..always…backed against a wall.

I feel so relieved though. I just got off the phone with Tamara and we have been going through so much since this weekend relating to her relationship and the direction she wants to go in. Should she move out or should she stay? Should they break up or should they try to work it out?

We’ve been praying and praying for direction and God has been showing us both some of our flaws. It’s crazy because Tamara had never known that she was manipulative. I tried to tell her plenty of times but she never listened. It’s not like she has me participating in orgies or anything, that’s more of my style, but she’s spoiled and she will get what she wants in a situation regardless of if a person wants to give it. She won’t give in. She’s so sweet in her pressuring that you can’t say no and you give in just so she will stop whining. ~sigh~

That’s one of the reasons why I didn’t want to move to Atlanta. Of all my friends, Tamara is the only one who can say the right things to me to get me to do what she wants me to do, and she does it soo sweetly! I pat myself on the back when I stand up to her.

This week has been crazy for me, but not really, let me explain.

I can’t shake this “whatever happens, happens” attitude that I have about my living situation. It’s like I have no feeling either way. If I stay, I stay. If I go, I go. Either way, if I truly believe that God is leading my life, I can’t stay down. So…it’s like…whatever. Worrying takes up entirely too much energy.

God blessed me with money to pay my side bills. It came through a friend and was totally unexpected but an hour after I received the money, it was all gone, except for $7 which I’ll use at the grocery store soon. So now I’m still believing God for my rent which is way past due. Late fees are accruing and they’ll start the eviction process this Friday if I don’t get a miracle tomorrow.

I am honestly too THROUGH with believing in faith. I’m ready to DO and BE. I have the skills necessary to support myself, I just haven’t had the chance to be in a positive environment yet and I won’t settle. It’s sad though because so many people worry about me. I know I’m scaring everyone but I try to let them know that if I am fine then they should be too. My opportunity to show what I can do in a POSITIVE, SUPPORTIVE environment will manifest itself. Until then I hang on and deal with the other issues that present themselves like…

I went on my first date in Dallas this week.
Yep. On Saturday morning I was changing my purses when I saw the card for the man who approached me at Maxwell’s. I raised my eyebrow when I saw the words, President and CEO.

Hmmm…Now what did that dude look like?

I wrote him an email because I wanted to see what his writing style was like.

Hi. It was a pleasure to meet you at Maxwell’s last night. I hope you have a great weekend. Please do keep in touch.

The next day he wrote me back: It was a pleasure meeting you as well. I’d love to see you again. I’d like to take you to Jaspers at the Shops of Legacy for dinner. I look forward to speaking with you soon, here’s my personal number.

I didn’t call him. I emailed him asking him to let me know the details.

How’s Wednesday at 8pm? he wrote back.

Sounds good. Why don’t you give me a call when you can so that we can chat? I wrote.

He called me 10 minutes later and we talked for a little while. It was regular. I found out that he is 37 years old, works in “Problem Solutions” and lives in Plano.

“Why don’t we meet for lunch today?” he asked excitedly.

“Uh..Ok. Where?”

“Let’s just have lunch at Jaspers.”

“Ok, I’ll be there at 1,” I told him.

“One? I was thinking more like 11:45 or 12.”

“Well, I’m thinking 1 because I’m busy right now and I need to wrap this up before I can get dressed. I’m very punctual and I expect you to be too.”

He laughed. “Well, I’ll tell you, I’m a go with the flow type of guy.”

“Ok, just don’t be late.”

I was kinda excited…but not really. I was more excited about putting on some clothes. I think my mellow attitude about my situation has poured out into other areas of my life, with the exception of one.

I chose a nice dress and some heels and applied my makeup like I love to do. I decided to go ahead and hurt him by looking soft and sexy. Ehh..Why not? There’s nothing else to do.

I took the Tollway up to Plano and ahhh…I fell in love. Every new part of this city that I explore makes me smile. I really like it here.

I pulled up to the entrance to the restaurant as my clock turned 12:59. My phone rang as I stepped out of my car and took the ticket from the valet.

“Are you there yet?” he asked me.

“I just got out of my car.”

“I’m right behind you,” he said.

I saw a man walk up to me with a smile so big it made me roll my eyes behind my sunglasses.

“You look great!” he said. “So sexy.”

I turned toward the entrance. “Thanks.”

We were seated in a booth near the window and we ordered lunch. We chatted easily about our lives and our goals and I realized that our personalities are similar. The food was excellent and I actually enjoyed his company.

After lunch we walked to Cold Stone for icecream and then I gave him a hug goodbye.

“I hope to see you again,” he said as he walked over to his beautiful ass Lexus.

“I’m sure you will,” I responded and opened my car door.

On the drive home I was feeling blah about the whole deal.

I don’t understand myself sometimes…I met a man who is a CEO, very nice, articulate and driven but…I already know I don’t like his ass.

I just…don’t.

I called Tamara to discuss and she said, “Maybe you should give him a chance to grow on you.”

“But I don’t find him attractive.”

“Maybe that could change.”

“I don’t want someone to grow on me..I want….” I let my voice trail off.

Fuck.

I want The Prez.

Or at least I want to feel like I felt when I was around him. I felt like…like…like…it felt good.

But Tamara and I have already discussed it and we came to the conclusion that:

A) He has shown no interest in me.
B) He has not returned the last email I sent him, completely ignoring my request which Tamara says is kind of rude.
C) Like Donovan Daniels said: “When the man God has for you presents himself, you won’t have to teach him how to love you. You won’t have to work to get his attention. You won’t have to wait for his affection. You won’t have to do anything. You won’t be able to STOP him from loving you. He’ll feel like it’s his responsibility to take care of you and support you in your goals. He will not allow anyone, not his Mama, not his sister, not even his friends, to stand in the way of protecting you and taking care of you. You will be his priority.”

Maybe it’s the fact that he never paid me any attention that turns me on so much. Maybe if I actually went out with him I wouldn’t like him so much. Maybe he’s just another conquest to satisfy my ego. I’m used to men drooling over me like that dude did.

My phone chimes and when I check it, it’s an incoming email. It’s from the guy I just had lunch with. When can I see you again?Blah…
I am so frustrated about it. I can’t do anything but sit and pray that God will show me a much more impressive man so I can forget about him. He’s so cute though. Have you seen his fine ass? He is exactly what I like.Another blogger wrote to me on Monday telling me that she saw him at the NABJ conference last weekend in Vegas with some chick. I was like, “Thanks for the news…”I guess life goes on huh?I’m sitting over here about to cry. Everyday I ask God, “Please show me what I’m doing wrong so that I can fix it and be able to walk into my destiny. Please! I just want to be right.”All I hear is…crickets…Maybe He’s saying I am right where I’m supposed to be.If that’s so then PUHLEEASE help me find my place of prosperity SOON and also help me to forget about The Prez. I don’t want my desire to override your divine will. And I’m just…attracted to him. Let him a girlfriend or something…really, really SOON. And let me hear about it so I can cry and get over it and wish him well.Or let him call me and say, “Hey Tee. I’ve been meaning to call but I didn’t know when the right time would be since we worked together and all. I don’t mean to overstep any boundaries but if you were feeling what I was feeling the day we met then I’m sure these words will fall on fertile soil. Tee, I love you girl! I can’t stop thinking about you. I google you everyday. I read your blog and I think of you every night while I’m taking a shower. All of my friends know I love you. Dad knows I love you. All I need now is for you to know I love you. I’m taking a chance, yes, I know. But…A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do and all I know is…any other woman I have met since the day I saw your face just won’t do. It’s all about you. Always and forever. Please say you’ll be my lady. I dedicate this song to you…”
That’s all he has to say. LOL! Writing this made me feel better. I’ma get over it and ‘m gonna laugh the next time I see his ass! Fo sho!

I am not afraid of tomorrow.

I look at tomorrow in excitement for the opportunities it could present.

I love my life right now.. Man…it’s crazy but it’s all mine. Look at me. I got this…crazy crush on a man who I can’t have- drama. I have no job and bills are being paid- miracles.

I have this huge dream that seems so unreachable yet, strangely close- shooting for the stars. My friends are all weirdos like me and we are all trying to figure ourselves out together- soul searching.

Yeah, I may be a lil “crazy” with my fantasy love affair and my desire to be more and do more than the average person but still…even through the craziness I am still..me.

It’s cool to be the chick that everyone is fascinated by. Look at her! How dare she! Why doesn’t she just settle down like the rest of us? What’s up with her?

I don’t know. What’s up with her???

I have no clue. I feel drunk even though I have no money to buy any wine. I just feel…happy. Happy that I have the issues that I have. Happy that I’m not giving up even though things look bleak. Happy that I have the type of friends that I have who are willing to walk this out with me. I’m even happy that somewhere down the line my entire life is going to change and these moments will be faint memories.

For me and for you.

Someone is going to recognize my gift and give me a chance to shine one day soon.

Someone is going to realize that my gifts would be an asset to their organization one day soon.

Someone is going to walk up to me and hug me for encouraging them to dream more and love themselves more one day soon.

Someone is going to hand me a check for a story I wrote for them one day soon.

Someone is going to fly me across the country to specifically have me work with them one day soon.

Someone is going to pass by me at an event and stop dead in their tracks because they can’t believe they were blessed by my presence one day soon.

Someone is going to love a blogger named Tee who puts all her bizness of the internet and don’t care what anyone thinks one day soon.

One day soon..all of my dreams will come true and you better watch out cuz…that means that your dreams are gonna come true too…

With all the love I can send out through the internet…

Your girl..

Ms. Tee

I’m growing very impatient as I wait on God’s direction. I don’t want to jump the gun but I don’t like just sitting here and waiting for something to happen.

I want to work hard and work long hours and give…and live…and grow.

Today I spent some time trying to figure out which city I might try next. I want to stay in the South because I’m not interested in snow plus I love the South.

I asked God to move me with an opportunity but none have presented themselves. Maybe I should look into moving back to the A, there are plenty of publications there. But I don’t want to live in that city. If I have to go back for a minute I don’t mind.

Maybe Florida…But where?

I’m thinking I should sublease my apartment and just…head out.

But I don’t want to make a move until God gives me a sign. I want Him to lead the way.

I’m strong enough to do it again. I like it here but there’s nothing for me here.

I’m trying to wait for a sign but I just wanna know that I’m progressing through this journey. I don’t feel like it. I feel like I’m still where I started even though I’ve had some amazing experiences and have come into contact with some really important people.

~sigh~

I’ll give it another week of prayer and then I’ll choose another city. Until then I’ll keep researching publications and sending my resume out. Then I’ll look up hostels and see what happens. I hear the ones in Florida are nice…

I really don’t wanna go back in the streets but…I can’t just sit here like this…

God, please give me a sign… point me in the right direction and I’ll move. If you can’t speak to me, then please give me the wisdom to make the right choice. I’m just trying to position myself to take care of my sons.

I’m trying to do the right thing and follow my peace. My peace says STAY here but…I don’t see why or how… What are you saying to me? Why am I here?

~exhale~

I took a shower and I feel a lot better.

It’s crazy how this blog captures me during those times when I’m on some kind of emotional high. Joyful or fearful, I always turn to my blog to help make sense of my feelings.

My blog is my bestfriend. It reminds me of those times when things were great and encourages me through those times when things are not so great. I swear this is the best free therapy I could ever get. Writing helps me to sort out my emotions. I can just…let it all out and then sit back and read what I wrote and understand my emotions better. It’s never asleep when I need help. It’s never too busy with family or other friends and it’s always, always willing to listen and to record the wild moments of the path that I’ve chosen.

I want to remember this moment forever.

Right now…I’m sitting on my back porch, sipping on a cup of warm tap water. I don’t have a patio chair so I just rolled up my old college sweat shirt and I’m sitting on that as a cushion. I have a pair of old gray sweat pants that I stole from Tamara and I place that behind my back for support since I have a lot of back aches.

I’m wearing an old white t-shirt. I have no idea where I got this. It’s HUGE so it may belong to some man from my past. I actually think I got it from Tamara though. I’m also wearing faded black denim shorts and flip flops. My lap top is balanced on my lap and my legs are crossed at the ankle.

I’m reflecting on today. It was filled with so many emotions. At first I was all giddy. I thought something was wrong with me. How could I be so joyful when I have nothing? Is this what people call deliriously happy?

My friend B sent me a story about a young graduate who had nothing, no job, no money, no place to live. All he had was $10 and he used it to buy himself a boxed dinner. Before he could eat it, a homeless man and his children approached him asking for money to buy food since they hadn’t eaten in over a week. He looked at the man’s face and…gave him his dinner. The man placed an old coin in his hand as a thankyou and walked away.

Then he went to lie down under a bridge “to wait to die”. I guess he had given up on his life. When you can’t see a way out of your circumstance death sometimes seems like the only solution. But I don’t really get that because no one knows what is on the other side of death. It could be a lot worse than your current life. But the story continued saying the man saw a newspaper next to him and glanced at it. It had an ad asking for people with old coins to come by the shop. When he visited the shop he gave the owner the coin and a few minutes later the owner handed him a check for $3 million.

How’s that for a change of circumstances? Just when he had given up, God made a way out of no way.

I did the same the other day. I woke up and looked in my purse, fingering my last $5 bill. I thought of the homeless man that I always see in the middle of the street. He has no legs sits in the hot sun in a wheelchair.

Once I bought him a bottle of water, another time I gave him money. Everytime I see him I try to give because I know what it’s like to be hungry with no place to go. There’s really no difference between he and I except I am really choosing my lifestyle whereas he may have no other options.

I decided to find him and give him my last little bit of money. I drove up to where he usually is and I saw him, once again, in the middle of the street sitting in his wheelchair. I put my car in park and grabbed all of the coins and the money from my purse. I placed the money into his hand and I said, “This is all I have. I want to give it to you as a seed offering. I am no more different from you right now. I need a miracle too. I bless you.”

He thanked me and I walked away. Back into my shiny red car. Back into my cozy leather seats. Back into my own reality as I await the next instructions for my life.

When I got home I asked myself, “Could I really wait five years for my dreams to come true? Could I be away from my sons for that long? Is my only other option to just…give in and go corporate and just..become a cog in the wheel of life?”

Kim says that God has no choice but to act on my behalf since I’m on this journey in His name. So many people are watching me. So many people are praying for me and hoping with me that…if I don’t become successful, so many will lose hope themselves.

That’s a lot of pressure on me but it does push me to keep the faith during my down times.

I believe in my gift. I believe in my dream. I believe in my ability to accomplish all that I hope for but…at the same time, I’m tired and sometimes I even question whether God really loves me. I always ask for forgiveness when I think like that because I know that we should be grateful during the good times and the bad. But sometimes I feel so alone and God never really says anything to me audibly which is what I need right now.

I can see why there are atheists. It’s so much easier to believe in self than in a higher power. The world seems so ugly when you aren’t linked to God and you feel like it’s the survival of the fittest and the more conniving you are, the more you’ll come out on top.

But I don’t think that way. I can’t think that way. I don’t know how to gossip and back bite or ‘kiss ass’ my way to affluence. I wasn’t trained to do that. I only know that when I give my gifts people appreciate them and I have been elevated because of them.

Maybe I can’t play the game the way it’s supposed to played. Maybe I’ll never be able to play it that way. Maybe that’s why I’m not good at cards either. When I would play cards with Tamara and her family, I’d cheer for Tamara when she won a hand or a book, even though she wasn’t on my team. Her fiance and cousin would look at me like I was crazy!

I guess I’m leading up to saying that…we all have decisions to make in life. No one ever knows what the exact outcome will be, but we still have to make them and just go with the flow. We can’t decide our fates, we can only adjust and move ahead.

It’s important to me that I give the very thing I always hoped to recive; love, guidance and a helping hand. But it’s also important to me to be with my children and help them grow into honorable men.

I’ve been chasing my dream for a year now, when everyone has been calling me crazy. The Prez used to tell me, “Pace yourself.” But I don’t think he understood my situation. How can I pace myself when I am in such a rush to meet my destiny and get my kids back? With no guidance but the feelings I get which I believe are from God, I’m back at the very place that I began last year; hoping and wishing for an opportunity on faith.

Am I willing to sacrifice watching my children grow up for a chance to secure the future of generations to come? The Radio Man did it and now his children are wildly successful. I always wanted to ask The Prez if he was angry at his Dad for working so much when he was a child. I wanted to ask him if he would be willing to do the same thing for his children. Did he think it was worth it? Was he happy in his place in life? Did he wish things turned out differently? What would make his life better right now?

I wanted to ask him those things because when I think of him and his brother I think of my sons. If I keep grinding like I am they may end up in the same situation. But will they appreciate their blessings or will they resent me?

I know that I can’t lose if I never give up. But where does a young single mom draw the line? Am I really the trailblazer that I think I am? Do I really have it in me? So far, it doesn’t seem to be happening. So far I’ve only changed cities but am in the same situation.

I remember my BBDD saying the same thing to me when I told him about my new job in Atlanta. “You’re still the same person,” he said. “Nothing is going to change from Florida to Georgia because you’re still you.”

I am still me. Yes, I am. And my life reflects who I am.

And since I reflect who God is…I am happy that I am me even though I have no clear direction right now. I am reminded to trust God to lead me to where He has me to be. I’m grateful for this reminder since I have no idea where I’m going and I don’t have anyone to help.

I have to remember that God is my supply and He has been so faithful to protect me and forgive me for my shortcomings. I have to stay positive and accept life’s punches as they come, believeing for a bright future..whenever that will come.

All I want is to be able to take care of my sons without having to ask their Daddy for a dime. Nothing has worked out so far but if I keep pushing I know I’ll figure it out.

I will figure it out.

Damn. I’m 28 years old. I consider myself to be full grown but I now see that I have a lot more growing to do. And I’m open. And I’m learning. But it hurts to see that I’ve been going about this all wrong. Damn…

I just got off the phone with Raycita. She texted me last night saying she was in Chicago on her way back to Oakland after a week-long training program with her company. “I’ll catch up with you when I get settled.” she wrote.

Oh shit.

I haven’t spoken to Ray in about a month and we are sooooo “Miami” that we knuck and buck sometimes. Our dominant personalities clash at certain times and we both have to hold our tongues and take a step away from each other when we disagree. I really didn’t want to talk to her. One more “just find any job” conversation would push me over the edge, but when she called this morning I rolled my eyes and answered anyway.

“What’s going on with you?” she asked.
“Nothing…”

And then it began. We saluted the divinity within and squared off to begin our match.

We wrestled with each other. She questioned my motives and my game plan. She pointed out some areas that I need to work on like the way I defend myself to people. “Tee,” she said. “When you feel like you are standing up for yourself, what you’re doing is making the other person feel bad. You don’t know how much you hurt Mac by what you said to him and you don’t know how much you hurt Marsha too with what you said.”

“But I was just trying to tell them that how they dealt with me was unnacceptable and hurt me.”

“Yeah but it’s the WAY you said it. You attacked THEM and not the ACTION. It’s not who they are that hurt you, it’s WHAT THEY DID. You do that all the time and you really hurt people. If someone does something to hurt you, deal with that behaviour and don’t blame it on the person. You’re so quick to cut somebody off because they made a mistake.”

We wrestled some more. I tried to hang up with her three times. She wouldn’t let me. “Just lemme finish dawg,” she said. “This is a hard conversation but we have to have it. I know you don’t feel like rules apply to you. I know you feel like you’re different and no one understands you. I read your personality type! But rules DO apply to you. You HAVE to eat! You have to have a place to LIVE! You can’t just NOT WORK!”

I don’t wanna hear this shit from Ms. Cozy in Cali, law school grad, laying the foundation for her dream career, about to buy a new Lexus.

We wrestled and we fought and we fussed and we cussed and we tumbled and we fell off into oblivion. My fist tangled in her hair, her nails deeply imbedded in my shoulder. Neither one of us giving up our belief that we will be heard and understood.

“I just want to find a place where I can grow and be a part of the company. I never find that. I always get pushed out. It never works out. I just want to find my place and I’m tired of starting over. Whenever I’m in a place, it’s always some bullshit. I may never find that place. And I know it ain’t gonna be at the pizza place!”

“Now listen to this. And you don’t have to answer this question out loud if you don’t want to. When you were at that place, the website or whatever, can you honestly say that it wasn’t a job that you could have held on to?”

“I can’t deal with people placing limits on me and talking to me any kind of way Colie! It feels like abuse. I can’t take it and I was miserable! I had to leave. I would have been pushed out at some point anyway.”

“But can you honestly say that you couldn’t have been a success there, if you had put your feelings aside and the way you always feel like people are criticizing you and putting you down? Could that have worked out for you?”

Wait.

“Ok, wait. I think..I think I get what you are saying. All feelings aside…If i had put my feelings and emotions aside and focused on the opportunity…” I started to cry as my voice trailed off.

“If I had focused on the opportunity I had been given instead of my emotions, I really believe that I could have had a future there,” I whimpered. “I can’t believe it. It was the one place where my gift was valuable and they let me do pretty much whatever I wanted to do. If I could have just ignored my director’s consistent fucking opinions about my life and my personality and all that shit..and I focused on giving what I came to give…I could…It could have worked.”

I had my dream job but I let it go because I was running away from what I perceived to be abuse.

This hurts.

I walked away because I couldn’t take the mental drain their opinions and shit were being cast on me but if I had given them all the finger and just…did what I came to do…I could have positioned myself to really grow. And they weren’t going to let me go. They knew my value. They appreciated my input.

I walked away because I am too sensitive and too focused on my emotions to really see the big picture.

“I believe that God has just opened your eyes to the biggest hindrance that has been stopping your success- your emotions,” Raycita said. “Maybe that’s why you keep having those recurring dreams about going back there. It was the place you were supposed to be, Tee. You just had a life changing moment. Now all you have to do is make it right.”

I fucked up.

The next time I am presented with an opportunity, I can’t just go on what I feel. I have to FOCUS on the opportunity that lies ahead. I have to ask myself, “All feelings aside…What can I gain from this?”

Fuck.

What do I do now?

I think…

I think my whole life has changed. I realize where I’ve been going wrong. I have to check my emotions when it comes to opportunities.

I’ve been in the wrong so many times and have walked away from so many men, oh my gosh. I wonder why I’m single, huh? I don’t give men many chances.

I can even see how this principle can help me in business. All feelings aside, what will I gain from this decision? What will I learn from this situation? What is my long term goal? Is where I am now, going to get me there? How important is this to me?

Chatter doesn’t matter. Ignore everything but the goal.

I can think of so many times that I messed up at work because of this. Maybe it wasn’t all of those jobs fault that I would not be a good fit, maybe it was my mentality that always pushed me out. Maybe it WAS me…

I mean no harm to anyone, but I always see the big picture when I look at everyone. If you tell me your dream and I talk to you for a minute I can paint a picture of your future with really sweet words. I can look at you and see the promise inside of you and I’ll tell you about how great your life could be. I do the same with companies too. I go in and act like I will receive all of the profits. I act like my name is on the building because I’m trying to do as much as I can before my time is up.

That’s crazy. Now I realize why people have told me “pace yourself”. I’m on a mad dash for nowhere and I’m halfway there.

I pray that God will help me make a soul change and that my path be divinely led.

There’s no way I’m going to mess up the next opportunity, I am going to ride that baby out until I have exhausted all opportunities.

I am ready.

That’s Real.