I have this weird feeling and I don’t know what it means…I feel exposed in some ways and actually..well..I know you all are reading this in fascination, disgust or admiration and to you these are just words on a screen but damn, these feelings are so real to me they overwhelm me. I don’t know how to explain that my life is more than this ‘online reality show’.
This is real. My heart is real. I am real. Sometimes I don’t want to be seen as that girl from the blog. Sometimes I want to turn the camera off because I’m tired of sharing my struggle. I want you to see me in triumph. I want you to see me laugh…not like this..always…backed against a wall.
I feel so relieved though. I just got off the phone with Tamara and we have been going through so much since this weekend relating to her relationship and the direction she wants to go in. Should she move out or should she stay? Should they break up or should they try to work it out?
We’ve been praying and praying for direction and God has been showing us both some of our flaws. It’s crazy because Tamara had never known that she was manipulative. I tried to tell her plenty of times but she never listened. It’s not like she has me participating in orgies or anything, that’s more of my style, but she’s spoiled and she will get what she wants in a situation regardless of if a person wants to give it. She won’t give in. She’s so sweet in her pressuring that you can’t say no and you give in just so she will stop whining. ~sigh~
That’s one of the reasons why I didn’t want to move to Atlanta. Of all my friends, Tamara is the only one who can say the right things to me to get me to do what she wants me to do, and she does it soo sweetly! I pat myself on the back when I stand up to her.
This week has been crazy for me, but not really, let me explain.
I can’t shake this “whatever happens, happens” attitude that I have about my living situation. It’s like I have no feeling either way. If I stay, I stay. If I go, I go. Either way, if I truly believe that God is leading my life, I can’t stay down. So…it’s like…whatever. Worrying takes up entirely too much energy.
God blessed me with money to pay my side bills. It came through a friend and was totally unexpected but an hour after I received the money, it was all gone, except for $7 which I’ll use at the grocery store soon. So now I’m still believing God for my rent which is way past due. Late fees are accruing and they’ll start the eviction process this Friday if I don’t get a miracle tomorrow.
I am honestly too THROUGH with believing in faith. I’m ready to DO and BE. I have the skills necessary to support myself, I just haven’t had the chance to be in a positive environment yet and I won’t settle. It’s sad though because so many people worry about me. I know I’m scaring everyone but I try to let them know that if I am fine then they should be too. My opportunity to show what I can do in a POSITIVE, SUPPORTIVE environment will manifest itself. Until then I hang on and deal with the other issues that present themselves like…
I went on my first date in Dallas this week.
Yep. On Saturday morning I was changing my purses when I saw the card for the man who approached me at Maxwell’s. I raised my eyebrow when I saw the words, President and CEO.
Hmmm…Now what did that dude look like?
I wrote him an email because I wanted to see what his writing style was like.
Hi. It was a pleasure to meet you at Maxwell’s last night. I hope you have a great weekend. Please do keep in touch.
The next day he wrote me back: It was a pleasure meeting you as well. I’d love to see you again. I’d like to take you to Jaspers at the Shops of Legacy for dinner. I look forward to speaking with you soon, here’s my personal number.
I didn’t call him. I emailed him asking him to let me know the details.
How’s Wednesday at 8pm? he wrote back.
Sounds good. Why don’t you give me a call when you can so that we can chat? I wrote.
He called me 10 minutes later and we talked for a little while. It was regular. I found out that he is 37 years old, works in “Problem Solutions” and lives in Plano.
“Why don’t we meet for lunch today?” he asked excitedly.
“Uh..Ok. Where?”
“Let’s just have lunch at Jaspers.”
“Ok, I’ll be there at 1,” I told him.
“One? I was thinking more like 11:45 or 12.”
“Well, I’m thinking 1 because I’m busy right now and I need to wrap this up before I can get dressed. I’m very punctual and I expect you to be too.”
He laughed. “Well, I’ll tell you, I’m a go with the flow type of guy.”
“Ok, just don’t be late.”
I was kinda excited…but not really. I was more excited about putting on some clothes. I think my mellow attitude about my situation has poured out into other areas of my life, with the exception of one.
I chose a nice dress and some heels and applied my makeup like I love to do. I decided to go ahead and hurt him by looking soft and sexy. Ehh..Why not? There’s nothing else to do.
I took the Tollway up to Plano and ahhh…I fell in love. Every new part of this city that I explore makes me smile. I really like it here.
I pulled up to the entrance to the restaurant as my clock turned 12:59. My phone rang as I stepped out of my car and took the ticket from the valet.
“Are you there yet?” he asked me.
“I just got out of my car.”
“I’m right behind you,” he said.
I saw a man walk up to me with a smile so big it made me roll my eyes behind my sunglasses.
“You look great!” he said. “So sexy.”
I turned toward the entrance. “Thanks.”
We were seated in a booth near the window and we ordered lunch. We chatted easily about our lives and our goals and I realized that our personalities are similar. The food was excellent and I actually enjoyed his company.
After lunch we walked to Cold Stone for icecream and then I gave him a hug goodbye.
“I hope to see you again,” he said as he walked over to his beautiful ass Lexus.
“I’m sure you will,” I responded and opened my car door.
On the drive home I was feeling blah about the whole deal.
I don’t understand myself sometimes…I met a man who is a CEO, very nice, articulate and driven but…I already know I don’t like his ass.
I just…don’t.
I called Tamara to discuss and she said, “Maybe you should give him a chance to grow on you.”
“But I don’t find him attractive.”
“Maybe that could change.”
“I don’t want someone to grow on me..I want….” I let my voice trail off.
Fuck.
I want The Prez.
Or at least I want to feel like I felt when I was around him. I felt like…like…like…it felt good.
But Tamara and I have already discussed it and we came to the conclusion that:
A) He has shown no interest in me.
B) He has not returned the last email I sent him, completely ignoring my request which Tamara says is kind of rude.
C) Like Donovan Daniels said: “When the man God has for you presents himself, you won’t have to teach him how to love you. You won’t have to work to get his attention. You won’t have to wait for his affection. You won’t have to do anything. You won’t be able to STOP him from loving you. He’ll feel like it’s his responsibility to take care of you and support you in your goals. He will not allow anyone, not his Mama, not his sister, not even his friends, to stand in the way of protecting you and taking care of you. You will be his priority.”
Maybe it’s the fact that he never paid me any attention that turns me on so much. Maybe if I actually went out with him I wouldn’t like him so much. Maybe he’s just another conquest to satisfy my ego. I’m used to men drooling over me like that dude did.
My phone chimes and when I check it, it’s an incoming email. It’s from the guy I just had lunch with. When can I see you again?Blah…
I am so frustrated about it. I can’t do anything but sit and pray that God will show me a much more impressive man so I can forget about him. He’s so cute though. Have you seen his fine ass? He is exactly what I like.Another blogger wrote to me on Monday telling me that she saw him at the NABJ conference last weekend in Vegas with some chick. I was like, “Thanks for the news…”I guess life goes on huh?I’m sitting over here about to cry. Everyday I ask God, “Please show me what I’m doing wrong so that I can fix it and be able to walk into my destiny. Please! I just want to be right.”All I hear is…crickets…Maybe He’s saying I am right where I’m supposed to be.If that’s so then PUHLEEASE help me find my place of prosperity SOON and also help me to forget about The Prez. I don’t want my desire to override your divine will. And I’m just…attracted to him. Let him a girlfriend or something…really, really SOON. And let me hear about it so I can cry and get over it and wish him well.Or let him call me and say, “Hey Tee. I’ve been meaning to call but I didn’t know when the right time would be since we worked together and all. I don’t mean to overstep any boundaries but if you were feeling what I was feeling the day we met then I’m sure these words will fall on fertile soil. Tee, I love you girl! I can’t stop thinking about you. I google you everyday. I read your blog and I think of you every night while I’m taking a shower. All of my friends know I love you. Dad knows I love you. All I need now is for you to know I love you. I’m taking a chance, yes, I know. But…A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do and all I know is…any other woman I have met since the day I saw your face just won’t do. It’s all about you. Always and forever. Please say you’ll be my lady. I dedicate this song to you…”
That’s all he has to say. LOL! Writing this made me feel better. I’ma get over it and ‘m gonna laugh the next time I see his ass! Fo sho!