Month: July 2007

100 Things I’ve Grown to Love About Myself

Take a look at the 2004 version of my 100 things list.

Then take a look at the 2005 version of my 100 things list.

I guess it’s time to tackle it again.

1. I am 100%, TOTALLY addicted to love.
2. I know it’s because it’s something that I have no control over and I’m a control freak.
3. I sometimes wonder if I would be so passionate about my career goals if I had the romantic love that I desire.
4. Blogging is pure pleasure and a release for me.
5. I would still write everyday if no one read it.
6. I believe organized religion was created to control the masses.
7. Although I speak to my friend Tamara less than I speak to all of my friends, she is the one person who knows me best.
8. I’m rarely jealous of other women because I think my flavor is unique and impressive and I don’t want to be like anyone else.
9. I loathe women who are spiteful, gossip or criticize others.
10. Then I have to repent for the loathing because that doesn’t please God.
11. In my mind, pleasing God is the only way to go because through giving honor to Him, he honors me.
12. Sometimes I pray that wanting honor from God is not a selfish motive.
13. Trusting myself to make the best decisions for my life was the best life change I’ve ever made.
14. I’m not cultivating my spiritual life in order to “get into heaven”. I never think about heaven. I’m living for my best life today.
15. I once asked myself, “Why do I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord & Saviour? Do I believe this because someone told me that this is the way or did Jesus reveal himself to me personally? What if someone had introduced me to Santeria as a young child? Would I be damned forever if that truth was all I knew?”
16. I keep a tally of all the people who have helped and encouraged me through my life. I plan to one day reward them handsomely.
17. I am more impressed by men with strong resumes than men with big penis’s or big muscles.
18. I know that I am a trilblazer and a non comformist but some days I don’t want to me.
19. I envy people who live regular, happy lives.
20. I can tell by the way people treat me, what their home life is like. I often find that people are who are not happy at home don’t support or respect others.
21. I have a strong spirit of discernment. Some call it an intuition or imagination but I can see beneath the surface of a person’s words or actions and sometimes I can “hear” the truth of their words in my heart even when they are too afraid/ashamed to admit the truth.
22. I am fearful at some point every day but I fight off that fear with the promise that, “Perfect faith negates all fear.”
23. I don’t read the Bible anymore.
24. All words have a rhythmic sound to me. Every commmunication holds a positive or negative vibration and I can feel it.
25. I don’t consider myself to be pretty all the time; only when i’m wearing makeup.
26. I prefer erotic stories to porn.
27. I don’t believe I was meant to work for someone else’s company but I try so hard when I’m working for someone because I honestly want to be a contributor to their success.
28. I used to be very insecure and weak minded, allowing others opinions of me to sway me.
29. I am no longer the person I used to be.
30. More than anything I want my sons to be proud of me because they are the only males I’ve ever known to show me unconditional love.
31. I treat my whole apartment like it’s my bedroom; I sleep in the living room on the floor, my bedroom is my closet and I have never had anyone besides the cable men in my house.
32. When I am bored I go back through my archives and read about my past.
33. I am my favorite blogger.
34. My friend told me I was selfish today. I think he is right in some respects. I can’t imagine putting someone else’s desires before my own.
35. Some people say that they still feel like a kid but I believe I am full grown.
36. After speaking to Kanye’s Mom, for some reason, I don’t admire him as much as I used to, I admire her more.
37. I will admit out loud the fact that— I WANT TO MAKE DALLAS MY HOME.
38. I was afraid to admit this out loud because I was fearful that God would have me move again.
39. God spoke to me in words, just once. That is why I know He is real.
40. I hope that my sons marry women who have a heart like mine.
41. The main reason that I write inspirational stories is because I need to hear them too.
42. I cry at some point, every single day.
43. I enjoy being emotional.
44. The reason that I am so open with who I am is because I hope that someone, somewhere will get to know the real me, and love me anyway.
45. I do believe that I am loveable. I didn’t always feel this way. I just don’t believe I have met a man who is strong enough to stand beside me in life.
46. Even though my BBDD was evil to me, I still fantasize about blessing him tremendously.
47. I think all of my friends are prettier and smarter than I am and it doesn’t bother me at all. It makes me feel proud.
48. If I tell a lie or treat someone badly, I get physically ill.
49. Compliments from random men don’t get me excited…but nice cars with nice rims do.
50. Insecure women exasperate me. I can spot them by their designer clothes, fake smiles and overly critical demeanor.
51. I’ve learned that truly “rich” people don’t care about being flashy with their wardrobe or lifestyle because they have nothing to prove to anyone.
52. I am currently self employed with no visible income, but I am happier than I have ever been on any job.
53. I have slept with a married man once before, right after I condemned my friend for doing it. The law of metaphysics states that what we condemn in others, we attract to ourselves. I will never condemn or do it again.
54. Reading THE GAME OF LIFE changed my life. I am a better person because of it.
55. I would rather work than “hang out”. I consider hanging out to be a waste of time.
56. I have loved truly loved 2 men in my lifetime, all of the others were just..conquests.
57. Of all the men I’ve lusted after, obsessed over or fantasized about, I have never felt anything like the feeling I experienced when I was in the presence of The Prez. It still confuses me.
58. It’s hard for me to grasp the concept that the man is supposed to pursue me because I like to be in control of who shows me attention. If I like you, I’m not into games. You don’t have to pursue. I’m not interested in making a man I like chase me even though society says that is the “proper” way to be.
58. When I hear people use the word “nigga” it bothers me. But I still use it, just never in reference to my children and I will never allow my sons to use that word.
59. When I receive emails and testimonies from readers who have gained inspiration or a life changing word from reading my blog, I cry with happiness in knowing that my growth is affecting someone in a positive way.
60. I love meeting my blog readers.
61. I have made out with another well known blogger before.
62. I believe persistence is the key to achieving any goal. If I never give up, how can I miss my mark?
63. I can’t stand my sister’s husband. When he hurts her, he hurts me. I often fantasize about kicking his ass and I can’t believe that she says God told her to deal with him but I love her anyway.
64. I am a deeply spiritual person, which means that I try to operate in the spirit of God at all times. I feel His fortress around me and that is why I feel safe to make the moves that I do.
65. I believe there is more than one path to knowing God and I honor anyone who is striving to be better for whoever he or she believes God to be.
66. My friends are like my family. I love them just as much.
67. I have forgiven my stepfather for abusing me as a child. I harbor no ill will toward him.
68. I now understand why my Mama made the decisions that she made with her life and I embrace the fact that she is human.
69. My friend Mimi used to be my biggest role model, but now I think of her more like a sister. She didn’t fall off, I just grew up and began to see the beauty and wisdom in me. I no longer long to be more like her, I accept and value the woman that I am.
70. I think I’d like to be a success coach one day, but I don’t see myself charging money for it. I believe wisdom and guidance should be given freely, expecting nothing in return.
71. I don’t see myself as a future Juanita Bynum or Oprah or Terri McMillan. I see myself as a brilliant Ms. Tee who has come to bring something fresh and inviting to the world as only I can bring.
72. I often reminisce about my college days but I don’t want to go back. It pains me to see people who are still living life like they are in undergrad. I feel like asking them, “When are you going to grow up?”
73. I love learning more than reading or writing and I attach myself to people who are smarter than I am in certain ways.
74. I do miss Miami but I no longer consider that to be my home.
75. I represent Liberty City, 17th ave and Dade County to the fullest. I am proud to say that Trina, Trick Daddy and Luke came from my hood. We’re more alike than you think.
76. I’m not holding out on secks for fear of being hurt. I truly believe that I am honoring the man who will one day stand beside me.
77. The last person I had secks with was JB.
78. He really hurt me but I know it was for the best. He texted me his goodbye, “You will always be mine, but I guess I’ll see you next lifetime.”
79. I strongly believe that God has been protecting me from myself by having these men walk away from me when I have shown them nothing but patience, love and honor.
80. I have had several men call back and apologize to me for trying to sleep with me. At the time I thought it was dumb because I wanted to sleep with them too, but now I see that God wanted me to save myself for the man He has for me.
81. I’m sorry for being such a hoe back in the day.
82. Ehh…No, I’m not.
83. I don’t regret anything I have done in my past because all of it led to me being who I am today.
84. I am proud of my friends and the women they are becoming.
85. I am becoming less accepting of people who are judgemental because no one has all the answers and I am irritated by those who think they do.
86. My favorite job EVER was working at the website but now I see how giving my all to them kept me from focusing on my own goals.
87. I miss the people I worked with at Rolling Out magazine in Atlanta. Of all the companies that I worked for I enjoyed the people I met there the most. It was a joy to go to work everyday and I never grew tired or annoyed by working there even though it was mundane.
88. I have a friend who I know has disrespected me behind my back, on several occasions, and I let it slide because..I believe she needs my love.
89. I wish I was a fairygodmother so that I could grant wishes all over the world.
90. I rarely tell an outright lie though the stories I tell are all colored by my emotions.
89. I don’t think anything is wrong with having a strong desire to be married as long as it doesn’t rule your life. How can you NOT think about marriage if you’re abstaining from secks and trying to please God with your life? I don’t know if I could withstand a 2 or 3 year dating period and then a long engagement once I meet the man who loves me with no limitations. How do people do that? I don’t think I’m that strong.
90. I don’t fear going to hell. Why should I be concerned with that when I’m all about righteous living?
91. People confess the most intimate truths to me because they trust that I won’t judge them. Sometimes it frightens me.
92. I’d give up my fantasy career for my fantasy love but thank God I don’t have to choose.
93. I honor everyone who crosses my path with words of praise and adoration because…some people never get to hear those kind of things.
94. I am NOT a people pleaser.
95. I believe that every Black person should recognize who they are. We were not meant to struggle in poverty and degradation. We endured captivity, death by sea, slavery and Jim Crow. We are more than survivors, we are unbreakable.
96. My internet friends mean a lot to me, I have known all of them for YEARS.
97. Facebook and Myspace bore me but if I had to choose which one was better, I’d choose facebook. There’s more to do.
98. I am very dominating…and I love that about myself.
99. I look forward to each of my friends finding their place in the world and building families. Even if I happen to be last to achieve those goals, I will still rejoice with them in true bliss.
100. I am at peace right now because I know God and God knows me.

PS- It took me an hour and a half to write this. Whew! YOUR TURN!

Wading Through My Feelings

I sometimes doubt what I’m doing and who I am and then I remember that I can only be me.

First and foremost on my mind is trying to be a blessing to everyone I meet, but I don’t always get it right. I don’t consider myself to be a failure even though by the standard definition I’m not successful at anything I have done so far.

I feel like I was led here, one foot in front of the other and when most people would have given up or ran backwards I pressed forward and remained strong. I don’t know why my life is like this, I only know I’m dealing with it the best way I can. I don’t know why I couldn’t make it to be able to take care of my kids, all I know is I tried so hard at every job I had and still none of them worked out.

I’m here and I can’t go back. I have to be faithful to who I am and what I’m working with. It’s not like I have any other choice in the matter. When I’m working at some random place and not using my gift, I don’t prosper and it seems that even when I’m using my gift to help others, they get pissed with me for being too gung ho and I still don’t prosper.

I am not a failure. I’m too brilliant to be one.

I spoke to my son the other day and he asked, “Mama, do you have an apartment for us yet?”
“No, baby, I don’t.”
There was a silence before he asked, “But it’s coming right? It’s coming Mama?”
“Yeah baby, I promise it’s coming.”

I’m not on crack or abusive to my kids or anyone for that matter. I still can’t figure out what’s wrong (?) with me where I can’t find my place though I am bold enough to seek it.

I feel so bad about my consistent desire to be supported and loved by a man. Is that selfish of me to think about my own needs as a living, breathing, thinking, feeling woman? I feel like I should only focus on being able to take care of my kids without any help from their father. Have I sacrificed enough? Obviously not.

Will I be able to deliver on my promise by continuing to have standards and morals in my life? Do I have to just take any job and allow the people there to treat me like trash so I can be have money and take care of my kids? Do I have to allow random men to seduce me in order to gain favor? By walking away from both of those scenarios am I abandoning ship?

I am an independent thinker. I’m not just swallowing the beliefs of others as truth. I ask God to reveal the truth to me and I wait to see what happens. I’m consistently evolving in my thought patterns and prejudices. I try to accept everyone as they are without pushing them to come with me. If you have peace in your life the way you live it, who am I to bring confusion by demanding that you seek peace the way I seek it? Who am I to stand and try to guilt trip you into loving God the way that I love and serve Him?

That is not my place. My place is to love and honor you. My place is to demand that I am treated as the prized woman that I am.

I wonder what happens to people like me. What does “people like me” mean anyway? I’ve never met anyone who lives or thinks like I do.

I know that there is a God and I know He sees everything I do.

I know He has me in this wilderness for a purpose even though I don’t see it, my Mama says all the time, “Girl, you ALWAYS get your blessing.”

Maybe it will come tomorrow. Maybe next week. But in the meantime I sit and I ask God to help me be the best mother, friend and artist that I can be. Help me to see my faults more clearly and to take corrective action immediately even if it hurts my pride. Help me to change who I am and become better equipped to handle this solo flight.

A Wireless Reunion

budeelicious81: DON’T IGNORE MEEEEEE!!!!!!
budeelicious81: BUZZ!!!
budeelicious81: lol
Ms.Tee: hey!
Ms.Tee: its been a long time!
budeelicious81: I knowwwww
budeelicious81: how are ya?
Ms.Tee: i miss my internet buddy!
Ms.Tee: so whats up with u?
budeelicious81: nothing at all
budeelicious81: chillin
budeelicious81: been home doing nothing
budeelicious81: ever since school ended
budeelicious81: and before work starts
Ms.Tee: where u workin now?
budeelicious81: gonna work at a hospital
budeelicious81: I just graduated… remember
Ms.Tee: yep
Ms.Tee: u ready for the real deal?
budeelicious81: ready for the real money
budeelicious81: I know that much!
Ms.Tee: thats real!
Ms.Tee: have u caught up on my blog? i dont wanna keep retelling stories.lol
budeelicious81: yeah. i have nothing else to do but read blogs all day. lol
Ms.Tee: i caught up on yrs last night
budeelicious81: the 100 list was good
budeelicious81: oh yeah? wow!
Ms.Tee: girl i cant wait to meet u and have some fun
budeelicious81: i know right!
Ms.Tee: r u seeking first the kingdom of God?
budeelicious81: wat made u ask that?
Ms.Tee: cuz i think i think about that too much? like im over focused on it
Ms.Tee: sometimes i wonder if its relly that SERIOUS!
budeelicious81: it is that serious
budeelicious81: i’m not as focused right now as i could be…
budeelicious81: but i go thru phases
Ms.Tee: sometimes i wonder if I hold myself to a higher standard than most
Ms.Tee: do u fell when u lose focus u can miss yr blessings?
Ms.Tee: do u believe blessings are conditional?
Ms.Tee: i know this isnt a light convo
Ms.Tee: so ignore me if u want to
budeelicious81: nah. even when i’m not focused, i’m blessed
Ms.Tee: ure so free and easy, i wish i could be more like that
budeelicious81: I don’t think blessings are conditional
budeelicious81: everyone gets blessed
budeelicious81: even those who may not believe in God or know him
budeelicious81: they may attribute their blessing to something else like “coincidence” or “luck”
budeelicious81: but they get blessed too
Ms.Tee: do u think we can miss God if we diligently seek Him?
budeelicious81: can miss Him? not at all
Ms.Tee: u go thru blah days btut never really dark times, is it because u don’t perceive the blah days as dark times, or do u believe u r just blessed NOT to have dark times?
Ms.Tee: this feels like an interview
budeelicious81: ummmm… I think it’s all perspective
budeelicious81: Of course I have blah days, but more often than not, I refuse to stay down
budeelicious81: so the blah days aren’t prolonged…and I’m not lead into “dark times” which to me is a longer period of time
budeelicious81: like I always say…
budeelicious81: there’s gonna be good times and bad times, so I can’t expect things to be all peachy all the time
budeelicious81: so when things are “down” it’s kind of expected
budeelicious81: it’s the way of the world
Ms.Tee: uve been reading me for some years now..do u see an evolution in me? cuz i feel it. i just dont know how pronounced it is
budeelicious81: yes and no
Ms.Tee: my perception of myself/love for myself has improved dramatically i think
budeelicious81: yeahhhh!!! definitely!!!!especiall the last few posts I read I was like wow!
Ms.Tee: i see that my love for God and desie to develop a lasting relationship with him has improved
Ms.Tee: otherwise i am starting to think for myself more and question myself more
budeelicious81: but your self-worth has gone up in your eyes in my opinion
Ms.Tee: yes i dont know why
Ms.Tee: but i believe i deserve the BEST
Ms.Tee: its funny ciz i believe this even though riht now i dont have the best
Ms.Tee: in fact, materially speaking i am at my lowest point
budeelicious81: I guess the main thing for me was you turning down sex multiple times and wanting to wait
Ms.Tee: lol
Ms.Tee: shut up!
budeelicious81: I’m serious
Ms.Tee: i forgot about that
budeelicious81: you used to be like yeah..I had sex with him, didn’t want to, but I just did
Ms.Tee: lol
budeelicious81: now you’re like oh uh uh… he’s not worth this and I’m waiting for my husband
Ms.Tee: exactly
budeelicious81: and it disgusted me to even think of that with him!
Ms.Tee: it does
budeelicious81: *clapping*
Ms.Tee: lol
Ms.Tee: shut up
budeelicious81: I’m glad you got to this point
budeelicious81: so serious
budeelicious81: like your whole self-esteem just went through the roof
budeelicious81: question tho….
budeelicious81: how come you don’t read the Bible anymore?
budeelicious81: I was a bit confused by that
Ms.Tee: theres no specific reason
Ms.Tee: i didnt quit it or disagree with it
budeelicious81: oh
Ms.Tee: i just havent read it in a long time
budeelicious81: gotcha
Ms.Tee: and it came to me when i was writing the list
Ms.Tee: so i added it
budeelicious81: thought you were against it
Ms.Tee: it does sound like, I aint with that anymore
budeelicious81: yeah
Ms.Tee: i think my friends turn me off from reading the bible honestly
budeelicious81: yeah?
budeelicious81: how so?
Ms.Tee: they like to ht me over the head with it
budeelicious81: I see
Ms.Tee: not like im doing wrong or anything
budeelicious81: right
Ms.Tee: but i guess im associating the bible with how they act
Ms.Tee: and it annoys me
budeelicious81: I have a friend like that too
Ms.Tee: its inspirational and life saving to me
Ms.Tee: lots of good stuff in there
budeelicious81: yeah definitely
Ms.Tee: i havent found anything i disgaree with
Ms.Tee: i think its just
budeelicious81: lol
Ms.Tee: that ppl use it to foster unnaceptance
Ms.Tee: and im not interested in using it as a tool to damn someone to hell
budeelicious81: very true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
budeelicious81: but for your own personal use
Ms.Tee: its like a life raft and a shot gun
budeelicious81: LOL
budeelicious81: that’s funny
Ms.Tee: thats how i feel
Ms.Tee: TO HELL!
Ms.Tee: ughhh
Ms.Tee: THE BIBLE SAY!
budeelicious81: honestly….
budeelicious81: I think a lot of the people who use it to point out the wrong in others are still trying to prove to themselves that they’re doing something right…
budeelicious81: it’s like putting someone down brings up their self esteem
Ms.Tee: its like…why do u have to point out whats wrong with someone else’s life?
Ms.Tee: do u HONESTLY feel lke their soul is your burden or do you want to be right? JUDGE YOURSELF!
budeelicious81: I think your expression of how much you love God and your actions are lining up more
budeelicious81: that’s what it is
Ms.Tee: hmm..interesting observation
budeelicious81: lol
Ms.Tee: well then u make me question
Ms.Tee: why cant my love for God be absolute regardless of my actions?
budeelicious81: because if you love God and are committed to Him, your actions would be more righteous
budeelicious81: of course people are doing to sin and make mistakes blah blah blah…
budeelicious81: but I think after while of messin up and doing things your way, you come to a point where you realized that your way is not the way…
budeelicious81: and that you do have to change the way you do things, change the way you say things and just change in general
budeelicious81: it’s not like a BAM! I love God, so I’m gonna be perfect…. people take time to grow and God is constantly working on us to better us
budeelicious81: and God’s not gonna leave you all messed up if you’re truly into Him
Ms.Tee: but what is righteousness? how do u define it? who defines it? why wasn’t I righteous before?
budeelicious81: lol
Ms.Tee: serious
Ms.Tee: just because i stopped having secks, im righteous?
budeelicious81: I would think that the Bible defines it. Maybe not in one word or one definition, but just everyting it speaks about
budeelicious81: no, has nothing to do with sex
budeelicious81: well, not nothing
budeelicious81: but that’s not the main thing
budeelicious81: I definitely don’t have all the answers tho
budeelicious81: but the Bible does
budeelicious81: what do youuuu think?
Ms.Tee: um…
Ms.Tee: we have an inherant ability to decifer right from wrong although at times i believe right and wrong can have a cultural definition
Ms.Tee: according to your belief system, righteousness is formed and once u have your set of rules for righteousness, u can decided to abide or not
Ms.Tee: for the young black woman, nothing is wrong with having a baby out of wedlock, its culturally acceptable and normal, but not for everyone else or strictly religious families
budeelicious81: I think righteousness is living a life that is pleasing to God, not a set of rules that we must abide by…
Ms.Tee: so then u say we please God how? by adhering to the rules in the Bible?
budeelicious81: there were rules in the past and people thought that that was the way to Heaven and God and everything good, but Jesus came and I believe that he is the way…
budeelicious81: and only by believing in him are we saved…
budeelicious81: I think the Bible is a guide for life, and an expression of how much God loves us and also teaches us about the ways of God and the life of Jesus…
budeelicious81: I think Jesus is the perfect example of righteousness because he was without sin…
budeelicious81: ultimately having a person relationship with Jesus and knowing him and not just of him is what matters the most
Ms.Tee: i forgot what my original question was
budeelicious81: lol
budeelicious81: I forgot too
budeelicious81: you said that materially you’re prob at your lowest…
budeelicious81: but you’re not even stressin it
budeelicious81: you know He’s gonna take care of you
Ms.Tee: uh..yeah…im not STRESSING…but i am impatient and my back hurts a lot from sleeping on the floor- lol
budeelicious81: you have a positive outlook on your whole journey through Texas
Ms.Tee: wow..i do..i guess…
budeelicious81: I know, but He’s not gonna leave you out there like that
Ms.Tee: thanks i needed to hear that, though I already knew it..i just need to HEAR it
budeelicious81: and you know that there’s every more to come
budeelicious81: and the fact that you truly believe that is a dramatic change in you
budeelicious81: you never used to write stuff like that
budeelicious81: you know He’s setting you up for something GREAT!!!!
Ms.Tee: thank u for this convo, i lose focus on the promise sometimes
budeelicious81: doesn’t sound like it when I read your blog
Ms.Tee: im not always as positive as I seem
budeelicious81: you sound pretty focused to me
Ms.Tee: lol
budeelicious81: well we’re all allowed blah moments and blah days, but at the end of the day you know He got you!
Ms.Tee: THANK YOU!
Ms.Tee: cuz i have faith but this floor is hard…but ill tell u, i aint NEVER had ramen noodles as good as the ones i ate tonight! I felt like i was at a 5 star restaurant!
budeelicious81: lol
budeelicious81: funny stuff
budeelicious81: it’s only a matter of time
budeelicious81: His time tho… and not ours
Ms.Tee: u r a blessing!
budeelicious81: u too boo!

A Salute to Secretaries Everywhere

Don’t be sad, don’t be glum, the job you do is NUMBER ONE!

Whether you’re a secretary, an executive assistant, admin or coordinator it’s time to EMBRACE YOUR SWAGGER! Shake & shimmy for being the important support that all executives need in order to complete their goals.

I loved being an assistant!

I would be up in the conference room, shaking my thang, getting everything ready for their meeting.

I’d pop and smirk as I went down my list with pride.

I got the coffee! ~snap~
I got the creamer! ~snap~
I got the stirrers! ~snap~
I got the cups! ~snap~
I got the sodas! ~snap~
I got the water! ~snap~
I got the ice! ~snap~
I got the napkins! ~snap~
I got the pens! ~snap~
I got the notepads! ~snap~
AND everyone will walk away with a little token from our office like a key chain or a mug!

GET IT SHAWTY!

Then I’d stand at the door like a supermodel and welcome everyone in. “Welcome!” “Right this way.” “Have a seat!” “Have a great day!”

Oooohh! I loved being an assistant!

Those executives are so busy making decisions that they have all probably forgotten how to tie up the loose ends. What would they do if you left? Fall apart!

So today I want all the admins to…

SHAKE THAT THANG- while you’re making them copies!

SHAKE THAT THANG- while you’re doing that mail merge!

SHAKE THAT THANG- while you’re drafting that letter!

SHAKE THAT THANG- while you’re making those name tags!

SHAKE THAT THANG- you got the calendar on LOCK!

SHAKE THAT THANG- you never run out of supplies!

SHAKE THAT THANG- you know just how your boss likes it!

SHAKE THAT THANG- you make them look good!

SHAKE THAT THANG- those files can wait…I am not about to miss out on Happy Hour for that crap…

POP THAT THANG MA!

YOU ARE A SUPERSTAR!

Telling Love Stories

I spoke to the photographer of the slide show last night, his name is Ross. He hired me to write his love story as a present for his girlfriend who will soon become his fiance. We talked for an hour and a half as he recounted the moment he first saw her as well as the reasons that he knows she was made just for him.

We came up with an idea of offering my services to his clients as part of his romance photography package, he’ll shoot the engagement and weddings and I’ll write the couples love story as a bonus. That’s such a good fit for me…and he says it will make his packages more attractive. Through him I’ll probably be able to hear tons of love stories and who knows…I may become a specialized love writer or something! I pray that I can do a great job and that my writing style is appreciated.

I love to hear love stories and I love to tell them as well. I remember in highschool I would have random people tell me the stories of their first kiss or how they met their boyfriends and I would write it up like a romance novel story and give it to them for fun.

After reading hers, this one girl said, “You got my draws creamy.”

I was shocked! I didn’t know that happened to anyone else. I was glad she said that because I thought something was wrong with me.

I learn so much from each couple as I interview them and hear how they connected. It’s so inspirational to me. For the most part, each couple’s story is distinct in that they had never met anyone quite like the person they are with but they complement each other so well. Each couple swears that they are blessed beyond imagination because of their soulmates role in their lives. They say, “I just had this feeling about her. There was something different.”

Each couple is on the same page in life professionally and in their visions for their lives. They each feel like they can be themselves and are appreciated and loved for who they are.

I learned from Ross’s story that the person you imagine in your fantasies will come at an unexpected time and place. He told me that she is everything he could have ever imagined in a woman and she allows him to be the man, when most women try to be independent pushing away his offer of chivalry.

I heard another love story today. I got a call from an old highschool friend who found me on myspace. I remember him from TV Production class and we would “edit” in the editing bay for hours at a time. He’s found his true love too and I asked him to tell me his story. He said he found her when he got fed up with his last job because they didn’t appreciate his work. He had gone to school part-time to chase his dream of working in television and the old job demanded that he choose between his new part-time job at a popular television station in Miami and his full-time job.

He said, “If anyone ever makes me choose, I’m going to choose against them even if I’m wrong for the mere fact that they are trying to force the situation.” So he resigned even though all he had was a part-time gig to fall back on. Now he’s the supervisor there and he’s in charge of hiring new people to work at the station. He also freelances at another station to build his resume.

He says the best thing about taking the risk and leaving the “security” of his old job was the fact that he was doubly blessed with a job that he loves and he also met his future wife. He says that she is everything he could have ever expected from a woman and he has no complaints about the way she loves him.

I get all dreamy as I take notes furiously listening to these REAL LIFE LOVE STORIES. They’re not some made up fantasies, these are real people who found love and are not afraid to love back.

As Ruby and I spoke today and I told her details about the love stories that I have heard she said, “And you’re on your way too Tee. You’re growing and I know you will be able to receive that too without pushing him away or sabotaging the relationship.”

“What are you saying, dawg?” I asked her. “Are you saying I was into sabotage before?”

“Yes,” she replied curtly. “If any man had approached you, you would have told him to get the hell away out of fear. I see you’re growing so much like we all are and most importantly you are accepting yourself and loving yourself more.”

“I would be upset with you but Kim told me the same thing,” I laughed. “Her prayer for me is that when I do meet that special man, that I won’t reject him or make him prove himself out of pride.”

Hearing all of these love stories satisfies me. I kinda live vicariously through others and I am pleased to be able to do this. The good things that happen in the lives of my friends truly bless me and their tales of faith through famine blesses me as well.

These life celebrations remind me that life is cyclical and even through the dark days, the sun will rise again.

Looking Forward To My Own
Fantasy Life

I had such a great day today.

I think it was because for the first time last night I got a good night’s rest. For some reason I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I have more peace than I’ve had in a long time.

So this morning I woke up and checked my email, there was a letter in there from Ross the photographer, asking me to let him know which way I’d like to be paid for writing his love story. I sighed in relief. Income.

It came right on time and it’s enough to pay all of my side bills. I can go to the grocery store again! The best thing about it, of all the searching for positions and marketing myself that I’ve been doing, I didn’t even have to ASK him for this job. It was his idea. I never even told him that I love to write love stories. It’s as though God put it on his heart to contact me and ask me to do what He gifted me to do.

Thinking back, the only job I’ve ever gotten because of a job posting was the one at the website. Every other job I’ve ever had I got because I introduced myself and explained what I can do. Though there were never any advertised openings, they made room for me.

The whole world will soon make room for me because I’m not waiting for anyone to express a need for someone with my gifts. I’m gonna present myself and see who wants to benefit from what I have to give.

My website is launching NEXT WEEK. I am a bit excited about it though I have so much more work to do. My web designer and I ran into some technical difficulties due to her demanding schedule at work so I decided to go ahead with the launch using one of the templates from blogger and once we have more time to work on the actual site, we’ll switch it over. No use wasting time when there’s a gift to be given. I was upset at first but I asked God to show me what to do and He did!

Adjust and move on…

Blogger sure has come a long way from back when I started blogging in 2003. Back then there were only 3 template choices and no extra options. You had to figure out how to link to other pages and add things to your template so I got a lot of practice with html and coding.

I haven’t spoken to Kim in so long. I wonder what she’s up to. I hope she’s not in a depressed state. That’s usually the only time I don’t hear from her. I sent up a little prayer for her today.

Last week she called me when she was in Miami and told me about her friend’s wedding. It turns out that none of her friend’s other childhood friends attended the wedding even though most of them live in Miami.

“Dawg,” Kim said. “It just goes to show that not everyone is meant to cross every threshold with you. Sometimes you just have to let go.”

That made me think about the friendships I have and the ones that have faded away. Even the friendships I have now are continually evolving and honestly…I’m open to the evolution. It’s not that I give up easily on my friends because I do what I have to do to be open to compromise and be true friends to them. But sometimes…you just grow apart and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m changing into a completely different person than I was when I met most of my friends and those who are not going in the same direction are becoming less and less involved.

I think a true friend is one who allows room for the other person’s life to take its course with no pressure to go their way. I remember back in college my girl Shanna became a muslim and that’s when I was just getting into my Christian life. We went to lunch one day and sat outside talking and I said, “I feel sad for you because you are not going to heaven.” She responded sadly in the same tone as she looked at me, “Tee, I feel the same way about you.”

We’re still friends after all this time and she’s not even practicing her Muslim religion anymore. Imagine if I had tried to curse her out or force her to see things my way. In fact, she’s back in the church now and loving every minute of it. And look at me…I don’t even go to church anymore. How’s that for a turn of events!

Back in college as I tested my limits, I tried everything there was to try except for hard drugs. I’d smoke my blunts everyday but both me and my BBDD agreed, “We don’t need to get any higher than THIS!”

It was a beautiful day in Dallas today, even though it rained a little. The rain reminds me of Miami, the life I used to live versus where I am now. It’s funny that when I look at my friend’s lives and the progress and strides they are all taking, even though it may seem like they’re progressing faster than I am, I don’t mind.

Even though I sleep on the floor, I miss my kids like WHOA, I’m lonely all the time and I have no steady income, I wouldn’t trade places with any of them for all the money in the world. I don’t want a life like theirs, I want my own fantasy life.

I can see where I’m going, I’m following my own path and I have no problem waiting it out until my turn comes.

I slept so damn hard last night.

I woke up this morning feeling tired as though I had been running around all night. I’ve been working on my website so much and constantly breaking links and messing up the template by trying to customize it and it’s getting on my nerves. I still can’t figure out how to install the haloscan comments into this site or my other one so bear with me.

Hmm… I’m thinking that I need to go back to school to learn web & graphic design, it could help me to be more well rounded since I believe the internet is going to be a big part of my journalism career.

I’m feeling very happy right now because I heard from most of my friends today. Kim and I caught up and Ruby and I did too. I even heard from Marsha who told me,”Today is my 1 year anniversary of my breakup with my boyfriend.”

She was excited and honestly I can understand where she’s coming from. She was with this great guy for almost 3 years but even before she got with him she knew that he wasn’t the perfect match for her, though she enjoyed his company and he had almost all of the qualities of a man she could be with forever. The only thing he was missing was a personal relationship with God.

She knew she couldn’t force him to develop one and all of the prayers she sent up weren’t effective so she knew that she had to step away when he began to start talking about marriage. Marsha knows that she can’t create a union with someone who doesn’t value God as much as she does. She’s not interested in training a man. She wants him to come already prepared to be a leader in her household. It took her forever to really let go of that relationship and I’m happy for her.

It seems as though those of us who are trying so hard to live for God have a lot more to consider when it comes to uniting with someone for life. It’s not just about, “Is he nice? Does he treat me well? Does he have significant savings?” He can have all of that and STILL not be the right man if he doesn’t understand the importance of a relationship with God.

But what clarifies a relationship with God? What would I be satisfied with? Well, Marsha wants someone who is Bible breathed and on fire to serve and be dedicated to church. Someone who has a heart for God the way she does and wants to serve God in the same way she does through consistent praise and worship and prayer and church attendance.

I’m more spiritual than religious though I serve God everyday and I don’t think more (or less) of anyone who serves God differently than I do. I guess the man for me would recognize God’s place in His life and would be seeking righteousness too. That’s a very big thing for me in any relationship. I can’t even stand to be around people who aren’t behaving righteously because it hurts my spirit.

No buying things from Walmart and taking them back after you use them. No mean-spirited comments intended to make the other person feel bad about who they are. No trying to get over on people and trick them. No manipulation or indirect communication. No sabotaging others so that you can get ahead.

I hope to attract someone who has the idea that what is yours by divine right will be yours..at the same time maintaining a healthy work ethic like I have. He should live under the principle that you don’t have to manipulate anything to get what God has for you. If a certain job or car you desire is supposed to be yours, then you will receive it a a gift from God without having to force it or struggle to make it happen. Can you trust that God does give perfect gifts even when you feel like you need to control the situation to make it happen?

Oh Lord, I feel like I’m preaching and I’m not really trying to. All I’m saying is you don’t have to finagle your way into a situation or act unethically to make certain things come to pass. All you have to do is live righteously and seek God. He will handle all of the rest of that.

Even if it seems like you have lost something you valued, trust that you will receive its equivalent or better. You can’t lose anything that is yours by divine right. Imagine my situation with my sons. I am their mother by birth and by divine right. No matter where I go or what I do, nothing will change that. If I turn out to be a bum, I’ll still be their Mama, if I end up on the covers of magazines, I will still be their Mama.

It’s the same with with blessings that are divinely ordered for your life. You can’t lose them because they belong to you. If you don’t have what you want right now, it may be because it’s not time or it’s not for you.

Either way you have to trust that you will receive every good thing in the divine plan for your life. You can’t lose.

I’m the control freak here saying this so you KNOW something has to be true about what I’m saying. I like to make my hands move, I like to push and pull to get what I want. Throughout this wild journey that I’m on I’ve had to learn patience and try my best to focus on where God is leading me.

It hurts so much not to be able to rush in and make things happen but when I do that, things never last. Those so called blessings, never last. So I sit and I wait and I trust God to lead me.

God is so smart! He knows what He is doing. So I trust Him.

1. I graduated from The University of Florida in 2003 with a degree in Journalism.
2. At the time I was also a single mom of two very small boys.
3. We lived in Gainesville where I worked in medical research and hated it.
4. I decided to move back to my hometown of Miami, Florida and I began looking for a job.
5. I never found one but I had to make a decision so I moved anyway.
6. My sons and I moved in with my Mama.
7. Their daddy lived in Orlando.
8. I finagled my way into a position at a local newspaper where I worked as an Executive Assistant to the Publisher.
9. I loved every minute of it although the pay was ridiculously low.
10. I wrote my own column, contributed news stories as well as organized events and re organized the HR department. I was in administrative heaven.
11. I asked for a raise and my publisher promised to give me one. When she didn’t I called her out on it and she told me to “Kiss her ass!”
12. I quit.
13. Living with my Mama, with my two sons and no job was hard. I slept on the couch and started temping and worked at Express.
14. The job climate in Miami is hard to break into if you don’t know Spanish.
15. I then worked for a customer service company at night and during the day I temped at a private school.
16. They were so impressed with me that they hired me full-time and I began working as an assistant in the Development (Fundraising) office.
17. I loved meeting all the wealthy and successful people and the perks of the job. We’d basically plan parties and give gifts and be nice so that we could meet our $10 million dollar campaign goal.
18. Two months after I started working there and one year after I first moved in with my Mama, I was able to move and get my own place.
19. It was beautiful and spacious and the rent was so high. But it was a good neighborhood and the neighborhoos elementary school was good so I didn’t mind spending more than half my income on rent.
20. I wasn’t dating at the time because I was afraid of men. My relationship with my children’s father was emotionally and verbally abusive, but now I realize that I allowed it so it’s not all his fault.
21. I spent my nights wishing I could become a real journalist and write stories in magazines and newspapers and be on TV like I’d always planned. Blogging was the closest I got to accomplishing my dream.
22. My sons were growing up and I was happy to be there with them.
23. I was never a good cook or housekeeper but they would always eat whatever I made for them and tell me it was good. I loved that!
24. Their Dad moved to Miami to work at a law firm and he started taking the boys every other weekend.
25. This led to idle time and I started dating men again.
26. No real drama. I just realized that I’m not good at dating.
27. I wanted to have a stronger relationship with God but I didn’t know how.
28. When I first started seeking God I was in college and I joined this spiritually abusive church. 29. I was full blown indoctrinated in it and under their control.
30. Breaking away from that church caused me to never want to attend church again.
31. But I still had a desire to know God so I decided to ask Him to reveal Himself to me without the interference of anyone else.
33. For the first time ever, I stood up to my children’s father’s abuse by getting a restraining order against him. It was the first time that I said NO MORE and it felt good to be free from all the insults and negativity.
34. Almost a year after I started working at the private school I began to feel the itch for writing professionally.. Blogging wasn’t doing it for me, I knew that I could do more.
35. So when 2006 came I decided to see if I could become a freelance writer. I wrote to many freelance writers asking for advice and I wrote to publications asking if I could write for them but most told me to come back when I had more experience.
36. Some of the freelancers wrote me back to encourage me but others didn’t.
37. I got my first break when a woman who worked for Trick Daddy’s label asked me to write artist bios for a new group he was developing. I wrote them for free.
38. This led to other artist bios and I was encouraged.
39. So I started pitching myself to other publications but no one wanted me because I had no experience.
40. One day I had a story idea and I decided to pitch it to the BIG DOGS, The Miami Herald. I called them up and told them my idea and they weren’t too thrilled when I offered to write the story but they gave me a chance.
41. I ROCKED THAT STORY!
42. I started writing for them too.
43. I started writing for online publications and dreaming of expanding my areas of expertise.
44. I got itchy at work as an assistant and applied for a job at a PR agency which I got.
45. I left my cushy job at the private school. There was stability there but no room for growth.
46. I started at the PR firm and I hated it. I was bored and the assignments were too easy. 47.My checks would come up short when I had to miss days to take care of my kids when they were sick and that hurt my finances even more.48. Their Daddy was not paying any child support by this time. The system sucks!
49. One day the President of the company called me in and told me, “I think I’m holding you back. You have too much of an entrepreneurial spirit. You need to be doing your own thing.” Yep. She fired me. With no warning.
50. Two kids. No child support. A HELLUVA RENT NOTE to pay and no job.
51. I became sick. Literally. I spent a week in the hospital and I got out on my 27th birthday.
52. No job. No one was hiring me. I couldn’t take jobs that would start too early in the morning because I had no one to depend on to take care of my kids. 53. I couldn’t work too far away because I had no one to pick them up after school. Stuck.
54. My friend Tamara invited me to move to Atlanta. She was about to move in with her fiancé and her apartment would be empty. She offered it to me, rent free for four months.
55. I took a long time to consider because I didn’t want to leave Miami and I never wanted to live in Atlanta.
56. I felt like I had no other choice. I had to see what would happen in Atlanta.
57. I packed my boys up to take a trip there but before we could leave their Daddy offered to keep them until I found a job. I felt that this was wise so I had him sign a contract stating that he would give me my kids back when I am settled and I left my boys with him.
58. I went to Atlanta on a Friday and on Monday morning I started my job search. By Tuesday afternoon I had my first job offer as the Content Manager of a magazine.
59. I loved everyday although it was a challenge managing PEOPLE and working with an editor who didn’t want to see my success.
60. Eventually she fired me. Yeah…I was shocked too. Call her and ask her about my work ethic if you want to. But…what can I do?
61. I was just about to sign a lease for my own apartment but I didn’t. I’m glad God didn’t allow me to. I didn’t really want to live in Atlanta. I knew it wasn’t the city for me.
62. I contacted a man that I had met through my interviews at the magazine and asked for his advice on starting my own business. He offered to teach me if I wanted to move to Houston.
I said, “Why not?” And I prepared to move to Houston.
63. Everyone thought I was crazy because I was making such a big move with nothing but I couldn’t NOT take this risk. I needed to be the captain of my own ship so that I could take care of my sons. Working for people never works out for me because they hate that I work too much and do more than they ask me to do. They always begin to be extremely disrespectful to me. 64.It was a day before I was supposed to move to Houston and I prayed and prayed that God would show up.
65. I had no money to make the drive there and nowhere to live but I didn’t know what else to do. All this time I have been blogging about my life and people have gotten caught up in my story. One of my readers emailed me asking me to meet him at the Lennox Mall and when I met him he handed me an envelope full of money. No strings attached.
66. Another reader gave a donation for gas and I rode out of Atlanta not knowing what was about to happen.
67. I stopped in Louisiana to spend a few days with my friend Ruby and we kicked it small-town style. She offered to ride with me for my first few days in Houston and I was grateful.
68. We rode into the city of Houston and contacted the CEO who had offered me a job and he was nowhere to be found. He never showed up or tried to meet me.
69. Ruby and I hung around the city for two days trying to get to know the roads and looking for a place to stay. We slept in the Houston Youth Hostel and it was clean and fun.
We drove back to Louisiana with a story to tell but no concrete idea on what I would do next.
70. I decided to go to Houston and try my luck at finding a job.
71. I drove back on Martin Luther King’s birthday. I was going to live with a family in Katy, Texas and be their nanny in exchange for room & board.
72. I couldn’t believe that I had to clean and watch kids, but I did it. I did their laundry I played with the kids until she told me that she had chosen someone else for the position.
73. I didn’t know what to do. I had no family to run back to. I could only move forward.
74. I put an ad on the internet asking for a place to stay, explaining my situation. Plenty of people in Houston contacted me and I chose to stay with a professor because of the location of his house.
75. I moved in and things were fine for a while. He was cool but it wasn’t a good situation for me. 76. I ended up leaving in the middle of the night with nowhere to go.
77. I went to a shelter for homeless women and laid down, but I didn’t sleep.
78. The next day I got a call from another woman who had seen my ad and she asked me to come stay with her.
79. I stayed with her and continued looking for work and I found a job at The Breakfast Klub a Black owned restaurant in Houston.
80. I loved it, except…I’m not a physical labor type of chick and that job had me bent over every night from standing on my feet.
81. Before I could freak out I heard back from the publisher of a newspaper and she hired me to be a reporter for her newspaper.
82. I moved out of the woman’s house and moved into the hostel where I lived for a month like a traveler, choosing my clothes from my trunk every night.
83. During my time at the newspaper I interviewed Obama over the phone, I interviewed Naomi Campbell at a fashion show and I really expanded my skillset as a journalist.
84. But that job wasn’t a good fit for me because my publisher didn’t like my writing too much and I began to feel defeated. No one had ever challenged my writing skills before.
85. A chance encounter as I covered a Power Summit for the newspaper introduced me to a gentleman who was the president of a company in Dallas. I checked out his company’s website and saw a job that I would be perfect for. I didn’t apply at first because I was exhausted from moving but I couldn’t stop thinking about it so I applied and forgot about it, struggling at work.
86. The job in Dallas was a prominent website and I had no idea what a perfect fit it was for me until I had my first phone interview.
87. All of my skills lined up with what they needed and I felt certain that I would get the job.
88. I decided to visit the city of Dallas to see what it was like and I arranged a 2nd interview for that day. I knew enough not to jump into a job without checking it out first.
89. I drove into the city of Dallas having never been to the city before and knowing no one. I checked into a hostel and went on my interview. It was cool. The women there were very pretty and young looking.
90. That day I decided that I would stay in Dallas. Why not? I began looking for other jobs to apply for, but not really because I knew that I was perfect for the job with the website.
91. They called and hired me and I visited my sons in Miami the weekend before I started working.
92. When I left them I had to remind myself that if I can just find my way in the world doing something that I am good at then I can take care of them better and be more stable.
93. They were doing well with their Daddy but we missed each other so much and I experienced many nights of agony because of all of this moving and being alone with no one to support me or hug me.
94. But I sucked it up and began working at the website and soon found the job to be just like the rest of my jobs in the past; easy.
95. But I loved this job more because it combined my favorite past-times, blogging and writing.
Soon the same scenario repeats itself. My superiors start complaining that I’m working too hard and I’m doing too much and I’m fed up with the corporate atmosphere so I leave.
96. All of my friends freak out and chastise me but I tell them that “My life is MY LIFE and I will not be unhappy or disrespected in the work place. I only have one life to live and I will keep moving until I find a company that values my overzealousness or I create my own way to support myself.”
97. No one understands or approves but they realize that I am going to do what I want to do. I realize at this point that I don’t need anyone’s approval to make decisions anymore. I trust myself to make the best decisions for my life.
98. I began looking for other positions in other cities but none have contacted me back.
I decided to work on my own dream which is to have a website dedicated to helping people in the way that I wish I had been helped. I wanted to build a website that will encourage people to go for their dreams and not waste a moment of life thinking that dreams can’t come true.
99. All of my wild experiences have taught me so much about life and going after my vision and I want to share the life lessons I have learned with everyone. I’m not sure how this will turn out but I know this is one of the ways that I plan to use the gift of writing and inspiration that God gave me.
100. I hope you will join in and Share My Dream by daring to accomplish yours.
Pray for me because I’m still holding on to the belief that my vision for a stable life, happiness with my children and the ability to give my gift to people who appreciate it will come true.

I think Anna and I must have spent three hours on the phone today. We talked about EVERYTHING. She told me about the new church she now attends and how great the sermons are. Then she sent me her notes and we discussed them.

Her notes said that fasting is not a way to get God’s attention, it is a way for YOU to focus more on God. It clears the channels of communication for you to hear God speak. That made me think about my abstinence kick and I guess that’s sorta like fasting. I’m denying myself sexual pleasure because I believe that God has someone special for me and I want to honor Him and my husband by waiting. ~cough~ I still don’t believe it myself. It sounds sooo….corny.

Well God sure has my attention these days. I’m completely focused on Him because I’m not as smart as He is and I’m tired of doing everything by myself.

My heart ached throughout most of the conversation as I explained my attitude about certain things and she countered my views with perfectly rational reasons why I should expand my scope of thinking.

One of the things we discussed is my friend Tamara’s impending wedding in December. She’s got the place, the dress and all the people lined up to participate. The only thing is….

I don’t really want to go.

To me, it’s no big deal but Anna was like, “Tee, its her wedding day. Do you know how important it is to look out and see the people you love smiling at you in celebration of your marriage?”

I was like, “Um…No.”

I don’t want to go to Atlanta for New Years. I don’t want to go to Atlanta…period. I didn’t really like it when I was there and that city reminds me of my former editor, JB, DL Dell, last New Year’s Eve which I didn’t enjoy and how every damn body and their Mama is running to that city like Jesus showed up or something.

“But Tee, it’s her wedding,” Anna said.

I guess I don’t get what all the hoopla is about. I’m sorry but I don’t understand the emotional part behind it all. Maybe it’s because I don’t value weddings like that. I never fantasize about a wedding. I don’t have my bridesmaids picked out. I don’t get excited when I see bridal magazines. I don’t care about that kind of stuff. Well.. I do like looking at rings, that excites me!

While I do want to get married one day, I tend to fantasize about how life will be after the wedding. My sons are big enough to enjoy long trips with us and we’ll have so much fun traveling and experiencing new things. We’ll be running our business together and reaching out to help millions, truly making a mark on this world through our gifts.

The wedding part, that’s just one day. One hectic, overrated day where everyone will be looking at me. Even though I’m..uh…pretty outgoing, I really don’t like a lot of attention like that. I prefer celebrating other people to celebrating myself because I have so much more to accomplish. I know…It’s hard for me but I’m trying to learn how to celebrate myself more.

Maybe it’s that…I don’t understand how important it is to celebrate love like that because…I can’t imagine what it feels like to be in love like that.

Maybe if her wedding was on another day then I wouldn’t be so hung up about it. I’ve always fantasized about having a grown up New Years surrounded by people I love and having fun. For some reason, I don’t picture that happening in Atlanta. I just have this “feeling” of negativity that is overshadowing the entire event.

I don’t know what the real deal is, but I’m usually not so self centered when it comes to my friends but…For some reason, I’m just not excited about her marrying him. Maybe that’s it. Being real with myself…I’m not feeling him too tough.

It’s hard to admit the truth when you want to be supportive of the choices your friends are making. It’s just…knowing what I’ve seen and interacted with him versus the stories I hear from how well Anna’s husband treats her, plus seeing how my sister’s husband flipped once they got married and how Mimi’s husband did the same…I’m just…

I’m just…being selfish I guess.

Man..I always want to do the right thing so in the end I’m sure I will. If i had a choice for where I will be for New Year’s I want to be surrounded by love since I haven’t gotten to experience the joy of being in the company of friends all year long.

It’s just one day and maybe going into 2009 my fantasy of having “grown up fun” will come true.

I know..I’m horrible.

I told you I’m not perfect.

My new e-zine is up. It’s the perfect compliment to the message I send out on my blog.