I think Anna and I must have spent three hours on the phone today. We talked about EVERYTHING. She told me about the new church she now attends and how great the sermons are. Then she sent me her notes and we discussed them.
Her notes said that fasting is not a way to get God’s attention, it is a way for YOU to focus more on God. It clears the channels of communication for you to hear God speak. That made me think about my abstinence kick and I guess that’s sorta like fasting. I’m denying myself sexual pleasure because I believe that God has someone special for me and I want to honor Him and my husband by waiting. ~cough~ I still don’t believe it myself. It sounds sooo….corny.
Well God sure has my attention these days. I’m completely focused on Him because I’m not as smart as He is and I’m tired of doing everything by myself.
My heart ached throughout most of the conversation as I explained my attitude about certain things and she countered my views with perfectly rational reasons why I should expand my scope of thinking.
One of the things we discussed is my friend Tamara’s impending wedding in December. She’s got the place, the dress and all the people lined up to participate. The only thing is….
I don’t really want to go.
To me, it’s no big deal but Anna was like, “Tee, its her wedding day. Do you know how important it is to look out and see the people you love smiling at you in celebration of your marriage?”
I was like, “Um…No.”
I don’t want to go to Atlanta for New Years. I don’t want to go to Atlanta…period. I didn’t really like it when I was there and that city reminds me of my former editor, JB, DL Dell, last New Year’s Eve which I didn’t enjoy and how every damn body and their Mama is running to that city like Jesus showed up or something.
“But Tee, it’s her wedding,” Anna said.
I guess I don’t get what all the hoopla is about. I’m sorry but I don’t understand the emotional part behind it all. Maybe it’s because I don’t value weddings like that. I never fantasize about a wedding. I don’t have my bridesmaids picked out. I don’t get excited when I see bridal magazines. I don’t care about that kind of stuff. Well.. I do like looking at rings, that excites me!
While I do want to get married one day, I tend to fantasize about how life will be after the wedding. My sons are big enough to enjoy long trips with us and we’ll have so much fun traveling and experiencing new things. We’ll be running our business together and reaching out to help millions, truly making a mark on this world through our gifts.
The wedding part, that’s just one day. One hectic, overrated day where everyone will be looking at me. Even though I’m..uh…pretty outgoing, I really don’t like a lot of attention like that. I prefer celebrating other people to celebrating myself because I have so much more to accomplish. I know…It’s hard for me but I’m trying to learn how to celebrate myself more.
Maybe it’s that…I don’t understand how important it is to celebrate love like that because…I can’t imagine what it feels like to be in love like that.
Maybe if her wedding was on another day then I wouldn’t be so hung up about it. I’ve always fantasized about having a grown up New Years surrounded by people I love and having fun. For some reason, I don’t picture that happening in Atlanta. I just have this “feeling” of negativity that is overshadowing the entire event.
I don’t know what the real deal is, but I’m usually not so self centered when it comes to my friends but…For some reason, I’m just not excited about her marrying him. Maybe that’s it. Being real with myself…I’m not feeling him too tough.
It’s hard to admit the truth when you want to be supportive of the choices your friends are making. It’s just…knowing what I’ve seen and interacted with him versus the stories I hear from how well Anna’s husband treats her, plus seeing how my sister’s husband flipped once they got married and how Mimi’s husband did the same…I’m just…
I’m just…being selfish I guess.
Man..I always want to do the right thing so in the end I’m sure I will. If i had a choice for where I will be for New Year’s I want to be surrounded by love since I haven’t gotten to experience the joy of being in the company of friends all year long.
It’s just one day and maybe going into 2009 my fantasy of having “grown up fun” will come true.
I know..I’m horrible.
I told you I’m not perfect.