Month: January 2007

In Pursuit Of Happyness

It’s late afternoon by the time we leave the woman’s house in Katy. I tell her that I will think about the live-in nanny position and give her a call by the weekend. Ruby’s hungry…again, so we stop by a place called Taco Cabana to see if they are any good.

Ruby enjoys her meal immensely and even scores a nice big souvenir glass.

We want to go out again but the fact that we know no one in Houston is hindering our progress. I remember that one of my readers lives in Houston so I decide to look up her phone number in my email and give her a call. But we need internet access first.

We drive and drive until we reach downtown Houston. We are loving the vibes we get from driving down the street and by chance we glance to our left and see… THE BIGGEST BOOKSTORE IN THE WORLD.

It’s a movie theatre that has been converted into a book store! Ruby and I figure that we can find a wireless connection there and we head over, lap top in hand, to see what it’s all about.

Being voracious readers and lovers of the written word, Ruby and I lick our lips in sweet anticipation of what we might find in the building but we aren’t prepared for what we see.

We split up immediately as I search for the wireless connection while Ruby browses the titles in the lobby.

Off I go—Up the stairs, around the corner..la, la, la… Where’s the connection?

And then I see the most magnificent sight, rivaling the world’s most breathtaking sunsets.

As I stand fixated my eyes can’t believe what they are capturing. I’m in love….row upon row upon row of books illuminated the way they should be, in bright neon lights.

When Ruby finds me sitting in a chair in the cafe, she’s out of breathe. She pauses before saying, “Dawg, did you see that?”

No words necessary.

I feel her.

“Dawg. I was blowed too. I almost cried. All those books! Damn…”

The internet connection at the bookstore is not free so after Ruby orders a coffee from Starbucks we head out to find another spot to connect. Ruby’s Lonely Planets book says there is an internet cafe not too far from the HOSTEL.

We fumble around but we find Cafe Artiste. There isn’t a big crowd in the cafe turned internet lounge but all of the wall plugs are taken. A gentlemen occupying a booth offers us his extension cord and we gratefully accept his offer.

We sit down and I call the reader but she doesn’t pick up. I email her and still…no response. I leave a message and that’s that.

While Ruby checks her email I re-enter all of the contacts into my new cell phone, a sidekick, a gift from Ruby.

I love it!

We give up on going out but instead of being sad about it we look at each other with a grin, “To the HOSTEL!”

YAY!

I don’t know what it was about that place but it made us feel as though we were world travelers/adventurers/on a divine mission.

So we sit in my car and puff one before heading inside. We aren’t ready to go to bed yet so we hang out in the TV room and laugh until the house mother tells us that it’s time to go to bed.

We both get ready for bed and our roomies are still up so we sit on the bottom bunk and talk.

“Girl, this has been a crazy ass trip!” I remark. “That wasn’t very smart of us to go to that hotel with that man. At the time it seemed okay but when I heard you telling Donald about it, it sounded like a dumb thing to do.”

“Yeah…” Ruby agreed. “But if that was crazy then THIS is crazy,” She said referring to our stay in a hostel. “And if THIS is crazy then this whole trip is crazy. WHich it is but sometimes you have to do crazy things to move forward.”

“Yeah. I know.” I reply and sigh.

My life is a trip.

We both go to bed at this point and I’m up fresh and early and out the door to take a final walk through the neighborhood and talk to JB on the phone while he’s on his way to his new job as an editor of a magazine in Atlanta.

By the time I’m all done, Ruby is dressed and ready to go. We’re getting back on the road to Lousiana. Instead of having her fly out, I suggested that I drive her back since it only takes a tank of gas to drive the entire way from Houston to Hammond.

We stop by The Breakfast Klub on our way out. I’m mismatched and hungry. My tooth is hurting but we have to try this spot that came highly recommended.

When we find it, it’s a cute little restaurant owned by a Black man. We march in and order our meals before sitting down in the corner.

My food comes first. My staple breakfast: fish and grits. Ruby orders an omelet which is HUGE.

Ruby plows through her breakfast and I take small bites of my fried catfish which tastes like pork chops for some reason. I can’t even finish it because I don’t like it.

But when I go to the restroom to freshen up I see there are signatures on all of the walls. How cool! I reach into my purse and grab a pen. I find an empty spot and sign my name and a message.

I walk out and grab Ruby so that she can sign too and she writes a message about the Gators being National Champs or something. She’s crazy!

We walk out into the morning sunshine, laugh at the radio station DJ’s who are playing a recording of Donald Trump talking much smack about Rosie O’Donnell and we hit I10 East all the way back to Louisiana.

Nice to meet you Houston.

Is this where I’m supposed to be? Only time will tell.

Peace Out Louisiana

Once Ruby and I made it back to Louisiana, I enjoyed a few more days of kickin it small town style which generally meant that while Ruby worked the entire weekend, Her boyfriend Donald and I hung out at their place and slept all day.

One day we went to visit Ruby at her job, to have lunch with her and we enjoyed the delicious burgers that North Oaks Hospital has to offer. Once we said goodbye to Ruby, Donald offered to roll one up and take me sight seeing in the city. “Hey…Britney Spears is from a little town about 20 minutes from here. It’s called Kentwood, Louisiana. Let’s ride. I’ll show it to you.”

Before we hit the road we both went home to change into more comfortable clothes and I joked with Donald, “I see we got dressed up to go see Ruby.”

“You know we gotta represent my baby right,” he said with a grin.

He took me on a tour of the city and the neighboring towns. Being from Miami, I had never even fathomed places as indistinct as the cities surrounding New Orleans. We passed through a town called Independence. I actually saw a Piggly Wiggly! I thought that was just a joke. I wanted to go inside but Donald was like, “It’s probably just a grocery store, Tee.”

He told me stories about growing up in a small town like he did. He said he knew people who would ride their lawnmowers on the street as a form of transportation. He even told me that he knew people who would go find cow pastures and search through the old cow patties to find mushrooms which they would then boil and make into some kind of elixir that would get you high or drunk. I looked at him like he was stupid. “Who the hell thought of doing that?” I asked him.

“Probably an Indian.”

Oh.

We passed farms and I even saw cows, donkeys and animals. It was wild! He showed me a river that he said he and his friends used to coast on to pass the day. I saw this one little girl riding a 4 wheeler in her front yard.

Small town living. It seems so peaceful.

The crazy thing about the time Donald and I spent together was the fact that I can say it was a positive experience. I can’t remember the last time I spent so much time alone with a man and it be strictly platonic and absolutely rewarding. The night before I left he even cooked for us, fried fish and shrimp and he grilled chicken kabobs too. So I guess I don’t have all negative stories to tell about men; this was a good one.

Which is why on MLK Day I was sad to leave Ruby and Donald behind to head back to Houston. Back to the unknown. Back to the uncertainty of my future.

But I sucked it up and said goodbye. I gave each of them a big hug and I kept it short and sweet.

I threw the peace sign out the window and put my car into reverse, I knew it would be the last time I would see anyone that I loved, perhaps for a long time.

It’s funny how God works. I arrived in Louisiana after my trip from Atlanta with only $62 in my account. When I left to move forward to Houston, I still had 50 of those dollars left.

Thanks Ruby… You took such good care of me. May God grant you eternal fulfillment.

You gave me a cell phone AND my dream came true ya’ll-She gave me her old laptop so that I can always be connected during my travels. I thought it would be YEARS before I’d own one myself. You took me to Houston when you didn’t have to and you dealt with me patiently through one of the most trying times of my life.

I have lost friends because of the decisions that I have made. Everyone can’t handle being friends with someone so gutsy(crazy) and I understand that. But those who can really, REALLY see my heart well… they stood by me and I appreciate that.

All I have in Houston is the promise of a part-time job and an offer for a live-in nanny position.

Let’s see how this all works out.

All I can say is, “Lord send a revival…”

Everything happens for a reason…

Do you really believe that or is it something you say to yourself to soothe your aching heart when you can’t explain why things don’t go the way you plan them?

My trip to Houston put this theory to the test.

I watched as the thermometer in my car dropped steadily as I headed West On I10 toward Houston. It was MLK Day so there was no real traffic. It rained for most of my drive but it was manageable. I made it into town around 7pm and I didn’t have to refuel my gas tank until I made it to Downtown.

I called Nancy and let her know that I was on my way.

I was uneasy about the situation, not just because this was a white family that I would be living with, but because I emailed Nancy right before I got on the road and she called me saying that her husband had found someone else that he wanted to consider for the position and they wouldn’t be able to give me a firm answer until the next Tuesday. “But you’re welcome to stay with us for the week,” she offered.

It raised a red flag because she had already told me that the position was mine, now she was reconsidering. Since I didn’t have anywhere else to go I had to keep moving. I found her house easily this time and when I parked my car and removed my laptop and purse I saw two little angels jumping up and down at the door.

I smiled to myself and gave them hi fives when I walked in.

The kids were too excited. They wanted to play. They wanted to show me their toys. They wanted me to see them jump and sing. I laughed so much! Two little blonde haired blue eyed kids. Adorable.

I was introduced to Nancy’s husband whom I hadn’t met the first time I visited. He seemed to be a real smart aleck. At first glance, you would think he’s too sharp for Nancy who seems to be on the more quiet side, but after a while I could see how they kept each other happy. They have similar personalities whether they want to admit it or not.

I read the children bedtime stories just like Mary Poppins would have and then I retired to my quarters for some rest and phone time with my Mama, my lil sister and then JB.

I sat for quite a while, staring out of the window at the street below, feeling like Isaiah in Losing Isaiah when his real Mama took him home and he woke up like, “What the fuck?”

It’s 35 degrees here. In the daytime.

I have NEVER experienced anything like this before.

I didn’t cry myself to sleep…I just felt peace. Like whatever is supposed to happen, will happen and I should be grateful that on a cold night like this at least I have a warm bed to sleep in.

The next morning I woke up early but didn’t leave my room until I heard Nancy leaving to take her 4 year old daughter to school. I quickly showered and decided that I would start my chores by spending the day doing their laundry. And I really spent the entire day doing load after load and folding them and attempting to put them away. Other people’s unmentionables ya’ll. It was a very humbling experience. I didn’t really see Nancy much although she is a stay at home Mom. I spent the rest of my time on my laptop sending out resumes and praying for a miracle.

It seems that young CEO and I did not come to an agreement about the terms of my employment and the offer was rescinded. Honestly, I think it was for the best because I had no peace about the hours they wanted me to work and he said he felt that I wasn’t excited about it, which was true, but only because the monthly stipend I would earn was not enough to cover my bills which would force me to get another job which would force me to spend less time building my business.

Remember that?

Wow. Funny how such an exciting idea that I used to be so passionate about is now the furthest thing from my mind. I’m still passionate about it, it’s just…damn. I gotta eat to live. I kinda wish I hadn’t talked so much about it because now everyone who calls is asking how my business is going and I have to honestly say, “It’s not.” I have to secure the basics first before I can get back to my dream. Did I make a wrong turn somewhere?

I have yet to solidify shelter or income— but I’m here.

I remember telling young CEO, “I have no money right now but I promise that I will see you in Houston next week. And when you see me, you have to know that God is real because there should be no way that I can get there based on my current situation. It seems impossible, but if this is of God, He will make it possible.”

I’m here.

Full of hope and charm and …scared too.

But I’m here. Waiting. Pitching myself to publications. Shooting my resume out.

The family that I’m living with has offered “Just in case” things don’t work out- that I could sleep on their couch until I found a place.

Imagine that?

Ms. Tee living with the Cunninghams.

But they’re not so bad.

And even if they were- God used them to provide shelter and food for me- at least for a week until the person they want arrives.

I actually sat down to dinner with a white family ya’ll. That only happened once before while I was in college and it blew my mind even then.

I’m nice and cozy in my bed. My belly is full and there are plenty more snacks where that came from.

Even if I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow or the next— I can’t get down about it.

I have to keep looking up.

Cuz when I look up— maybe I’ll see God and He will show me the way.

Limbo Limbo

I guess I need to watch more TV.

I didn’t hear anything about schools being closed because of the freezing temperatures and the roads being covered with ice. Damn…this is TEXAS. But I should have known something was up when I had to melt the thick layer of ice on my windshield before I could drive my car.

Today was a day of planning for me. I tied up my loose ends with young CEO who will probably NOT play a major role in the development of my business simply because…ehhh…it’s not a good fit. So after that was settled I set goals for myself. Time to kick it up a knotch and develop alternative strategies which I explored but won’t share for fear of jinxing my progress.

After I handled those things I went to visit Joel Osteen’s church to see if they had any information or resources to help me figure out what I should do next. The office was open but the secretary said that no one had come in because the roads were closed. I sat in the lobby for more than a half hour while she tried to convinced me to make an appointment for the next day but I wouldn’t budge.

She offered to pray with me so I would feel better but I was like, “Naw. I want to see a Pastor.”

I don’t need the physical presence of a prayer partner to appease my emotions and make me feel like things will be okay. I pray for myself and the prayers of my friends are evident. I’m not dependent on someone holding my hand to affirm that God is with me, although I used to be like that.

My relationship with God isn’t so emotional anymore. God is God. With or without my tears and all the yelling and falling out. He doesn’t really care about all that. He wants a life servant; someone whose life reflects His love and His light.

Child.. I’m still trying.

After I came home safely…thank God… I went back upstairs to my room to do a little more research and lie down because honestly, I’m not feeling too well. I need to see a doctor pronto and I could have gone to the ER in Louisiana but I was being lazy and I just wanted to enjoy my time with my friends.

So that’s next on my agenda. I have to find a doctors office in Houston who will see me with no insurance or money. Sounds fun.

After my little rest, which wasn’t much of a rest because….I have lots of friends and everyone has to check up on me, the kids burst into my room asking me to play. So I did.

We all sat in the living room together and watched Sponge Bob while I showed them my Sidekick and allowed them to play on my laptop until 2 year old Junior broke four keys off the keyboard. ~shakes head~

All I could do was laugh at him. He’s so funny and cute. He speaks like a caveman. “Me Do! Me Do!” When he wants to play, “Me turn!” I know it’s only been a couple of days but I have fallen in love with these jitterbugs.

The 4 year old little girl Christina looks just like Britney Spears to me! And she’s brilliant! Yesterday I taught her how to play those little hand clap games we used to play when we were kids. She caught on fast and soon we were clapping and snapping and laughing in perfect rhythm.

In the midst of our play Nancy calls me into her home office to talk.

“Did you do you hair?” I ask her as I enter and take a seat.

She smiles. “Well. I took a shower today and I didn’t yesterday so that’s why I look different.”

We laugh.

“Well, I know that you are kind of in limbo right now wondering what you are going to do and I don’t want to add to the confusion a minute longer,” she spoke sincerely. “By getting to know you and your goals I’m not sure if this position would be a good idea for you. You need more time to work on your life plan. You have a lot to accomplish and I don’t want to interfere with that. I think it would be best if our family goes with the other person.”

I smiled. I agree.

“I understand,” I told her. “You have to do what’s best for your family.”

“Will you be able to find a place soon? The other person will be here on Monday.”

I laughed on the inside considering the double digit figure in my bank account. I eyed the resource pamphlet sticking out of my purse. “I have a few options.”

“Will you go back home?”

Home.

Where is that?

“I’m sure I’ll be fine,” I assured her. “I’ll let you know.”

By dinner time I was feelng great. Sometimes when things don’t work out you HAVE to know that it is for the best. And this is one of those times.

We all sat down to the kitchen table to enjoy a meal of stew beef and cornbread which Nancy’s husband says reminds him of the kind of food you eat when you don’t have any other food to eat. “It’s dry. It doesn’t have any taste. It’s disgusting,” he says while eyeing the cornbread.

Nancy’s family consists of her husband, two kids, her elderly father who is so cute, and her older sister who is a trip. We all sit around the dinner table making jokes and talking about whatever.

The family has had a problem with squirrels eating away at their roof so they bought a metal cage to trap the critters and they plan to release them instead of killing them. Nancy’s father who is about 80 years old is in charge of the project. His job is to count the critters and release them. The only complication is, he also catches a few rats in the process and he will calmly drive into the next neighborhood and release the rats there.

After dinner I help clear the table and load the dishwasher. I then clean off the counter tops and say goodnight to the kids. I go into my room and close the door. My phone rings and it’s Kim.

Wow. I feel like I haven’t spoken to her in ages when she is the one person that I made sure to speak to at least twice a day.

“What’s up girl?” I squeal.

“Nothing girl,” she says with a laugh.

“Why does it feel like we’re growing apart?”

“I know,” she agrees. “I feel it too. But don’t worry girl. I believe this is just a season for us. I mean, we couldn’t keep going like we were going, one of us was going to get married one day and we can’t be so dependent on each other.”

“I guess. I’m just used to it being me and you sharing all the details through whatever. Now, the only person I speak to everyday is JB.”

“I know Tee. But honestly, I thank God for JB being in your life right now because…for real..I don’t know if I could handle hearing about what you are going through on a day to day basis. I think it would be too much on me. Maybe it’s the season for you and JB to connect through all of this. You are doing something that I could not do, Tee. And it hurts me to watch you but I know it will pay off. But I’m glad you and JB are friends and maybe God sent him to be your anchor during this time when I can’t.”

Hmmm… JB is cool.

“Kim, I honestly believe that this is a season of healing for me. Being here with this white family and feeling connected to them. I feel welcomed by them. When we sit down to eat dinner I can see our reflection in the bay window and I’m blowed. They don’t hate me. They’re not judging me or pushing me away. At least I don’t think. So far, I really like Nancy and it’s really only GOD who would have me in such a great home during the coldest winter of my life.”

“Girl!” I continued. “You should see their pantry! I opened the door and almost fell out. It was overflowing with food. They must stock up for natural disasters or something because I have never seen so much food in one house before. I have not had to spend a quarter on anything since I’ve been here.”

“See,” Kim says. “That’s how good God is. I know you may not have a lot right now in your account and it seems scary but you have not gone without. You’re in a position right now for God to show out and He has! Think about it. Every move you made; from Atlanta to Louisiana to Houston, it’s all been covered. No, you can’t do a whole lot, but you made it each time with change to spare. That’s God!”

“I miss you Kim.”

“I miss you too girl. But we’ll be alright. Everything has its season. Let me go ahead and go to bed cuz I have to be at work early tomorrow.”

“Bye girl.”

We hang up and I lie back and look out the window. My car is parked out front and I can see it clearly. I love my red car. Although I’ve had it for months now I am still amazed everytime I drive it. When I first got it I called it G.G. (Gas Guzzler) because I was shocked by how much gas it took to fill it up but now I think the intials should stand for God’s Gift, because it truly is.

My phone lights up and I giggle when I see the caller ID.

“Hey JB,” I coo into the phone and snuggle beneath the covers.

“What’s up Lil Shawty?” he asks in his cute little Southern drawl. “How was your day?”

Why Am I Here?

Houston almost lost a new resident last night.

It happened close to midnight. I was sitting up in my bed staring out into space when I realized that all of my plans for Houston had fallen through. The worried words of my friends began to replay themselves in my ear.

“You’re going to a city where you know NO ONE just because some man made you a promise. You don’t know him. He could be telling you anything.”

“Don’t be running back to us when you fall flat on your face.”

“Why HOUSTON? Why not Atlanta or LA? Why are you going there?”

“Help me understand how you are supposed to make money off of this idea.”

“HOW ARE YOU GOING TO LIVE?”

“What are you thinking, Tee?”

What was I thinking?

Well, I was thinking that my time in Atlanta was up and my next opportunity was in Houston. I was thinking that FINALLY a business leader cared enough to want to TEACH me some things that I can’t learn unless I fumble and mess up. I was HOPING to get ahead.

But they were right. Those friends of mine were right. The man didn’t live up to his word and here I am in Houston with no job and nowhere to live.

I panicked. Oh shit. What the hell am I doing in this weird ass city with all these damn Mexican restaurants? I don’t even like Mexican food. What the hell are all of these side roads that run parallel to the expressways? Why do all of the expressways have two names? I’m driving on I10 looking HARD for Katy Freeway but I can’t find that bitch for nuthin! Duh,,,they are the same thing.

I don’t know anyone. I can’t even get a dime if I wanted to cuz I haven’t seen any Black people since I’ve been here except for that night at the Sky Bar. Are there Black people in Texas? Where are you?

Oh Lord. What am I gonna do? I’m down to the wire. ~huffing~ I’m almost out of breath. I’m about to drown. ~huffing~ I know. I’ll leave. I can leave first thing in the morning. I have a full tank of gas. I can just drive and drive until my gas runs out. ~huffing~

Before I allowed myself to get too emotional I got a call from an angel who challenged my view.

Do you believe that God made the way for you to get there?

Ofcourse. It was only God cuz I didn’t and still don’t, have anything,

Why are you in Houston?

To start my non profit.

Can you start the business without the CEO’s guidance?

Yes, I can. I have the business plan and model all ready. I just need stability in housing and income for my bills then I can work it.

If you left Houston and went back to Atlanta or even LA, would you be in a better or worse situation?

The same as here. Still having to start over.

Have you given Houston a fair chance?

~mumbling~ I just… I’m scared. I don’t know shit about this city. Why would any of these people care about me and my dream? I don’t know. What if they hate me?

You had to know it would come to this. I know you prepared yourself. You KNEW you were going to be lonely. Didn’t you say you were willing to sleep in your car? What happened to all that? Now you see that may really be a reality and you’re about to run. You gonna keep running?

Man..fuck you. Your ugly ass. I ain’t running from nothing!

It’s your choice. You can make it happen wherever you want to make it happen. It’s all about you deciding where you want to be.

Where do I want to be?

I’ll sleep on it and I’ll let God tell me. However I feel in the morning is how I will handle it.

We’ll see…

Let Me Handle My Business-Damn! –Jay-Z

I woke up to the sound of my phone chiming. It was Kim texting me at 5am.

Bitch, I’m sleep.

Damn. Now you woke me up.

The dueling thoughts from the previous night came flooding back.

Do I want to stay in Houston? The drama. The trauma.

Hmmm…..My spirit is saying….

Fuck that. I’m here now. Might as well see what’s shaking.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Like Kenya loves to say, “It’s equally likely that you will have tremendous success or failure. Just do it.”

That’s right! It’s equally likely.

So I’m gonna believe that I can fly.

I hop out of bed with a smile.

LET’s GET IT!!!

Ok, so the plan for today is…. food..housing…income….Work it.Today I will go into town to one of the most popular restaurants and apply for a job as a waitress. I saw their HIRING sign and it would place me in direct contact with the Black business leaders and cool people in this community. Plus, if I work it right, I can get connected AND use my looks and charm, I mean, customer service skills to get me some damn extra money to cover these bills.After that I’ll find a food stamp office and get my application on. FOOD STAMPS!!! ~shake that thang~Now for housing? Hmm….I do have an option or two so I’ll check those out and see which one is the best fit. All I have to say is…my Houston readers are showing me so much LOVE!!! They’re sending me tips, contacts and leads…It’s wild how the internet connects, heals and empowers in such a grand way. They are empowering me to prosper and in turn, sharing in my dream and I am so grateful.I hop into the shower and go to the trunk of my car to get some nicer clothes than the few outfits I have been recycling over and over again. I choose a pair of simple gray slacks and a black sweater. I’ll wear my hat and glasses to finish off the look.I mapquest the directions to the restaurant and email them to myself. I ask Nancy about a foodstamp office and she gives me directions to one in a nearby city.I eat a quick bowl of cereal, give Junior a tickle and I’m out the door. As soon as I start my car I begin to feel better. Come on…You know what did the trick…It’s my baby Kanye. Through all the traveling. All the hopes. All the failures and all the thrills. The city may change, the dude in my life may change but one thing that hasn’t changed is the CD I play when I’m on the road. LATE REGISTRATION.~sigh~It inspires me.I reverse my ride and turn up the volume. My finger absently pushes the button on the CD player. I need some #3. My body relaxes as he sings to me, “You’re gonna touch the sky BABYGIRL!”I need to hear that Kanye. You’re great.Then I fast forward to the next cut I need to hear as I zoom on the expressway. #13. I’m vibing to my baby’s voice until he says those magical words:People askin’ me is I’m gon’ give my chain back (uh). Aww shit! WHen you hear this, you KNOW Jay-Z is about to come thru with some SERIOUS INSPIRATION! At this point I press my foot on the gas and turn the speakers all the way up.Here’s motivation JAY-Z style!Yep! I got it from here ‘ye damn!The chain remains, the game is intact, the name is mine I’ll take blame for that. The pressure’s on, but guess who ain’t gon’ crack? Ha, ha…Pardon me I had to laugh at that. How could you falter when you’re the rock of gibralter? I had to get of the boat so I could walk on water. This ain’t no tall order, this is nothin to me. Difficult takes a day, impossible takes a week. I do this in my sleep, I sold Kilos of coke, so… I’m guessin’ I can sell CD’s. I’m not a businessman I’m a BUSINESS– man! Let me handle my business, damn!I listen to this verse at least five times in a row. The first time I hear it I’m proclaiming it for my life. The 2nd time I hear it I’m crying. The third, fourth and fifth times I hear it I’m banging on the steering wheel and feeling invincible!I’m on I10 going east, then I hop on I610South, then 59 North toward Downtown. I know I’m headed somewhere near Montrose but I don’t know exactly where. The mapquest directions are messed up. Wow. I’m not afraid to get lost anymore. No more crying on the side of the road. I just…do what I have to do to figure it out. Being in Atlanta prepared me well for this.I pull over and pull up the map on my sidekick. Um…I don’t know what I’m looking at. I call my little sister who is at work in Miami. “Teenie, can you give me directions to this restaurant?”A minute later she tells me, “You’re close. You’re 5 minutes away.”I find the restaurant and walk confidently up to the door where there’s a fine looking black man in a very nice winter coat holding the door open. The line is long and the place is bustling. I walk up to the front counter and ask for an application. The young lady hands me a paper and I sit down to fill it out. When I’m done I survey the crowd. Damn…I guess all the Black people in Houston are…right here in this restaurant. Nice looking men too.Non DL brotha looking men too!Damn! Yummm… But not really. I mean, they are after all…men.I hand in the application and head out quickly. I have directions to a foodstamp office in Katy but since I’m downtown it might be a good idea to find an office down here and wait it out until the end of the work day.I find the little internet cafe that Ruby and I found when she was here and I walk in and plug up my laptop. A few clicks later I’m scribbling directions in my notebook and packing everything up. Too bad that I got lost and gave up on finding the damn office. I called Nancy and she helped guide me back home by taking Halcombe and jumping on 610. When I get there I go to my room to return emails and when I’m done I go downstairs to play with the kids while she cleans. We play every game I can think of. Well, every game that is not physically demanding. These kids want to play hide n seek. I’m like, “No.” They want to play tag. I’m like, “No.” But I do read them a story. Teach them how to do the snap dance and I even have little Christina doing the Heizman on that hoe. We bake a cake for their mom’s birthday.We watch TV. I do a few loads of laundry in the meantime and then Nancy brings out Christina’s play makeup which both kids decide they want to apply all over my face. So I’m sitting there feeling like Celie in the Color Purple when she noticed, “A storms coming” but I laugh because this is an interesting experience and I have to embrace it for what it is.The pizza man arrives and we chow down on Pepperoni pizza and then I load the dishwasher and clean the counter tops and their Dad comes home. It’s 8:00. I’m off. I slip off to my room and close the door.Ahhh.. Time to rest.I want to talk to Tamara but I know she’s busy.She’s always busy. I called her the other day at work and we only spoke for 10 minutes before she said, “Girl, that’s AJ on the other line I have to go.”I was so upset. Who is AJ? I don’t care if they are getting married this year! ~rolling eyes~ She just met him! I want to talk to my friend. I don’t know what to do about JB. I don’t know what to think. I think he wants me to be his girlfriend. Well. I know he does. I don’t know how to handle that. I haven’t heard anything like that in forever. I need to talk to Tamara so we can figure out what’s happening. She always knows the right thing to do. We usually figure stuff out together. But she’s busy. Cuz she has her own life and I’m not priority anymore. I’m feeling jealous and hurt and insignificant. Everybody is living there own life. I have to live mine too. People call me stubborn and unrealistic but at the end of the day, everyone who has an opinion about a decision I make, will go to their crib, close the door and won’t be thinking about me.I have to live for ME.You have to live for YOU.Don’t allow others to make your decisions. Be fearless. Trust yourself. Be bold and make a move.And if you have a man, do a good deed…call your friends and say Hi. They miss you.

Still Adjusting

I don’t know what it is about the twi-lighthours that seem to cast a depressing shadow over your life.

Have you ever been fine all day but as soon as you turn off the light you can’t fall asleep and you find yourself watching the digital clock as the minutes creep slowly through the early morning hours?

That’s me right now.

But my new boyfriend is here; my laptop. We sleep together every night. He sings me to sleep. Thank God it’s not a DELL. My desktop used to make me cringe everytime I sat down since I named that DL guy’s character after my computer. ~yuck~ I have a Gateway now.

That’s fitting. I am walking through the gateway. I AM the gateway. ~smile~ I’m dramatic.

~sigh~

I miss my sons.

Today I took Nancy’s kids to Chuckie Cheese to play. I felt like a nanny following behind them, passing tokens and kissing boo boo’s when they got hurt.

I used to do that for my own kids, when I had the money.

I used to take care of them.

I used to dance with them and cook for them and play hide n seek with them.

We used to sleep together at night and sometimes they’d pee on me but I didn’t care because they are my boys.

My boys… They are well. Everytime I talk to them they are laughing and their Daddy’s girlfriend is bringing them a treat.

“We gotta go, Mama. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight Boo Boo.”

Click.

Shake that shit off girl… You can do this.

It’s funny cuz I feel like I’m constantly shaking off some kind of pain. I guess we all are.

That is what seperates the winners from the downtrodden; the ability to move past failures and work toward a better today.

I am so blessed. My boys are well taken care of and so am I.

Since I didn’t have Tamara to bounce ideas off of, I decided to cut things off with JB. It was getting to be a bit much. In a minute I would have been writing, “Maybe all men aren’t so bad.” But I know that isn’t the truth and I can’t allow him to get too close because I know what he is capable of. I’ve been there. I’ve seen. I’ve tasted.

I started a fight with him so that I could tell him to get the hell away. It worked.

Relieved?

No. Hurt mostly. I kinda liked him as a person.

Kinda…

Now it’s time to get to business.

Sunday Morning Blues

I am so hurt.

On the way from Chuckie Cheese my phone rang and it was a Miami number that I didn’t recognize. I sent it to voice mail. It called again. I sent it to voice mail again, assuming that it was some random dude from my past. When it called back a third time I had to answer just to tell the person, “I’m busy.”

It was my sister.

“Why are you not answering my call?” she asked.

“Why are you calling from some weird number?”

“Because Danny [her husband] took my phone.”

“Why?”

“He said he’s leaving me. He poured baby oil all over our wedding pictures, tore up our marriage certificate and went in my purse and broke all of my credit cards, stole my phone and said he was leaving me by the end of the week.”

My body went numb.

I knew they had been having issues. She shared some of them with me. He had said he didn’t want to be married anymore. He didn’t want to go to church anymore. He wanted to hang out with his friends and do his own thing.

The problem is; my sister put up with a lot of shit from this man. She took care of him. She fed and clothed him. Encouraged him. She paid for the wedding by herself. She went against everyone who knows her because we ALL told her that he was an immature free loader but she said she was his friend and she loved him unconditionally. Now look at this.

And I have two friends getting married this year.

How sad for them.

Sometimes I think women need to wake up and realize that having a man by your side is not what completes you. Tamara challenged me before I left Atlanta, “Give me ONE example of a man who does right. ONE! If you do that I will believe that there could be a man who could contribute positivity into my life.”

I couldn’t.

She couldn’t.

I woke up with my sister on my mind. Then I thought about Mimi who went through the same thing.

Then I thought about how I’m glad I told JB never to call me again.

He’ll never reel me in like those guys did to my friends.

He’ll never hurt me like that.

Never.

I kinda liked him though.

I am so hurt.

Deep Breaths

After all of that drama my sister says that she will take him back when he is ready to come home. Her church family advises forgiveness. ~raises eyebrow~

I guess…

I had to shake off the bad vibes from my conversation with my sister and move forward with my plans for the day. Since I had the interview with the restaurant on Monday morning I decided that Sunday would be my last day living with Nancy. Although my official last day as a nanny was supposed to be on Monday I decided to spend Sunday afternoon exploring downtown Houston and spend the night at the hostel once so I wouldn’t have to travel so far to get to my 8:30 am interview.

I got dressed and told Nancy I would be leaving. As I packed my clothes back into my car I slowed my pace in amazement of the life I am now living. It’s been 6 months since I left Miami on my way to Atlanta to see if things would work out. They did work out, I had a great time, had fun with my friends and worked for a company that I loved doing what I always wanted to do working at a magazine.

Then that opportunity ended and I decided to craft my vision for my non profit and go for it by moving to Houston on a prayer. All of my prayers have been answered so far. What does that scripture say? Exceedingly and abundantly above all that you could ever ask or hope for. Well, that’s how I feel right now. I feel God’s hand over my life and He has touched so many hearts that have become joined to my vision for my life and want to be a part of it by encouraging and supporting me.

I walked back into Nancy’s five bedroom split level home in beautiful Cinco Ranch and found Nancy standing at the door holding her 2 year old son, Junior in her arms. His face was buried in her neck.

“What’s up Boo Boo?” I asked him.

“He was crying because he thought you had left without him giving you the picture he drew for you.”

Junior climbs down and walks over to me. I kneel and ruffle his blonde curls. “Why are you acting like that?” I ask him softly. “I’m not going far. Just down the way. I’ll be back to play with you.”

He smiles at gives me a hug and we walk into the kitchen where his big sister Christina is drawing at the kitchen table. “This is for you,” she says sweetly and hands me a picture of a heart with her name on it.

I sit down with them and select a crayon. I draw a house as best as I can and put all of our names on it. Christina stands on her chair and gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I reach over and tickle Junior who smiles and runs behind his Mom’s leg.

I look back one last time before I close the door. Both children are watching me leave, their blue eyes brimming with tears. I shake my head and move on.

What an experience.

I say a prayer before I start my car. Only God knows what is going to happen to me next. I start out toward the hostel in the Museum District. When I get there, the front desk is closed so I can’t check in. I sit outside and chat on the phone for a while, enjoying the beautiful Texas weather.

“Wow, I’m a lady of leisure,” I thought to myself as I soaked in the sun and decided that I’d hit up the internet cafe for a couple of hours to surf the net and chat a bit. The cafe wasn’t full when I got there so i quickly grabbed a table in the corner, ordered some buffalo wings and blue cheese and connected to the wi- fi.

A quick glance at the time on my monitor made me wince. I had one hour and a hald to find the directions to a dance club called The Wild Wild West on Richmond. One of my Houston readers invited me and I wanted to show my face. He informed me that they would have dance lessons AND a dinner buffet all for $3 on Sunday evening. That’s what’s up!

Once I got the directions I decided to change my clothes so I went to my trunk, pulled out an extra set of clothes and took my makeup box, clothes and bathroom caddy into the restroom at the internet cafe. I spread my items out on the sink base and I transformed myself just as if I was at home.

I walked out looking great and feeling like I’m the star in a grand adventure. Who washes up and gets dressed in a public restroom? WORLD ADVENTURERS DO!

I gave myself plenty of time to get lost but I found the place rather quickly so I sat in the parking lot and talked to Ruby until I noticed other people driving up.

Once inside I couldn’t believe my eyes. This was an older crowd of dancers, all eager to get their swirl on. I didn’t know exactly what kind of dancing I was going to be doing but from the looks of the cowboy boots and flaring skirts that the women wore, I assumed it was goingt o be square dancing. I shook my head in amazement as everyone walked out onto the dance floor. I had to be the youngest person there. And I was the only Black person in the entire club.

The dance instructor introduced himself and his co instructor. “Tonight we’re going to introduce you to the Night Club Two Step,” he announced.

The what?

For the next hour and a half all 50 of us twirled around the dance floor. Slow, quick, quick, slow…

Everyone formed a circle around the instructors in the middle and every 5 minutes we were told, “Ladies move to your right.” So all of the ladies had to rotate partners.

“Hi, I’m Ms. Tee,” I introduced myself to a middle aged white man with a goatee.

“Hi, I’m Dan.”

“Hi, I’m Ms. Tee,” I had to say again, every five minutes.

“Hi, I’m John. Nice to meet you.”

I laughed and I danced. My legs hurt after all of that twirling and counting.

By the time we were done and they actually played music I was too pooped to participate. I sat on the sidelines waiting for the buffet to start. And it was GOOD! They had fajitas and something called Frito Casserole or something like that. It had fritos and beans and rice in it. I didn’t like it. I don’t like beans and rice.

I mingled for a while as I was introduced to all of the reader’s friends. After that I headed back to the hostel, checked in and ironed my pants for the next day.

I settled down for a great night’s rest after calling JB and telling him I was sorry for taking out my frustrations with men on him.

He didn’t say much, but he forgave me and I’m glad. I appreciate him for seeing through my meanness and understanding my issue with men. He’s patient with me and I love that. I think I’ll keep him around. He calls me MEANY. I call him BUFFOON because of the stark contrast of his personality to the one I witnessed when we worked together. He was all about business then, now…he’s such a joker that I don’t even know how to take it.

After chatting with him on the porch of the hostel, I plugged in my cell phone and went to sleep. Mmmm… The hostel’s bottom bunk was so warm and comfy. This time, the hostel was filled with students from China who were in town to explore the Space Center. The bathroom was filled with all kinds of products with foreign symbols and names. I touched a tube of toothpaste and tried to read it. There’s a whole other world out there you guys. The United States is only ONE country in a vast array of land masses and there is an array of cultures and customs that we have no clue about. I’d love to see more of them.

The next morning I woke up at 5am and couldn’t go back to sleep so I called Kim. She and I hadn’t had a chance to really talk in a minute so we enjoyed each other’s company through the phone lines until people started waking up and I decided to get a quick shower before the line started.

I showered and dressed, once again, in my purple turtle neck sweater. I love that sweater! I wear it at least 4 times a week! LOL! It’s comfy and it’s warm and I look great in it so…

I overestimated the time it would take for me to get to the restaurant. I was actually an hour early for my interview.~smile~ Talk about krunk!

I sat in my car and read my Prayer of Jabez devotional. I hadn’t picked up that book in a while but while rummaging through my things I spotted it and wanted to refresh my memory on it’s principle. The thing that stood out to me was the 2nd half of the prayer.

Lavish Living

After my interview I headed back over to the hostel to take a quick nap before moving into my new place.

How in the world did you find a place to live with no money?

You-Know-Who did it.

And it’s beautiful.

I’m living right in the middle of the 3rd ward which is also known as the Museum District. This place is chock full of amazing architecture and artsy people. I have the first floor of a tri-level townhome to myself.

How much did it cost to move in?

Zero.

How much am I paying a month?

Zero.

Nawww.. Just playin..

I met a college professor who usually rents out the extra bedroom in his home. He has a student who is coming in from China at the end of February and he offered the place to me for $10 a day until mid February. The best part is; I don’t have to pay him anything until I get settled. He offered me a deferred payment plan that spans 6 months.

“I make it my mission to be kind to this earth,” he explained as he walked me through his immaculate home. Dude’s townhome is OFF THE HEEZY!

It’s hands down, the most beautiful place I have EVER lived! I believe God is giving me a preview of what is to come because even though I have no income and no friends in this city yet, everytime I move my standard of living gets better and better. How else could I have $10 in my account and STILL live in luxury like this?!!

You gotta know God has blessed this venture.

The only drawback is that through some funny kind of wiring, my cell phone doesn’t receive a signal when I’m inside the house. Last night was my first night here and I almost cried. I felt like a prisoner because I couldn’t talk on the phone but I slept so well. My room is beautifully decorated, fully furnished (no more sleeping on the floor like I did in the condo in Atlanta) and the man is so nice and smart.

As I surveyed the books on his massive bookshelf I spotted one title that made me laugh; THE EVIL THAT MEN DO. LOL!

I smirked. It turns out that this professor is a former FBI agent and he teaches courses on Criminal Psychology.

Today I was talking to JB about the fact that I can’t use the phone inside the house and how much it bothers me.

“Don’t complain,” he warned me.

“I’m not complaining,” I responded hotly. “I just NEED to talk. I’m lonely.”

“Yeah but…don’t you think there may be a reason the Universe has you in this place of all places? You are in a place where you can’t use the phone. Maybe God wants to speak to you. Maybe it’s time to spend time with yourself and focus on you.”

“Maybe you should download messenger,” I replied slyly.

“I don’t chat…I’m a man,” he says in a deep gruff voice.

I laugh. I love it when he talks like that.

Maybe God is trying to tell me something. Well, I’ll surely be able to hear him clearly with no access to a phone during my few weeks here.

Today I woke up early and jetted out to the foodstamp office and got lost 3 times but I didn’t even cry. My application was not accepted saying that I had a case open in another state. Who? I have to call and see what’s going on.

I’m starting to know where things are in Houston. The streets all have names instead of numbers but when I drive I’m not driving at leisure, I’m looking HARD at everything around me so I will become familiar with the names and so far…man…I am so proud of myself. I’m doing a great job navigating this city alone.

I can’t wait to make some friends though.

I met a couple of women on the internet and I plan to go to church with one this Saturday. I hope she’s nice. She seems to be.

I’m hopeful right now because…well…how can I not be when God has brought me this far?

I’m certain He will take me the rest of the way.