Month: December 2006

That Entrepreneural Spirit

In light of everything that has happened in the past few weeks, when I look back and reflect I can see how all of the events of my life have prepared me for this very moment. Thinking back, I should have KNOWN that I would become an entrepreneur, all of my life I have been starting things on my own. Check the timeline.

5th grade- I ran into school one day after reading The Sweet Valley Twins and ran right into my principals office and asked for a meeting with him. I remember him smiling at me and closing the door as I explained that I wanted to promote the democratic process by having an election among all of the 5th grade classes to determine which girl’s “club” was the most popular. LOL! He let me set it up and we even had voting booths set up in the cafeteria. My club WON!

6th grade- They had try outs for the school cheerleading squad. Well, I didn’t make it. So I convinced my principal that I should have an alternative cheerleading squad for the girls who didn’t make the first squad. He let me. I was the co-captain.

6th grade- I convinced the school to let us have a school newspaper and I became the co-editor.

8th grade- I decided to switch from the Drama magnet program to Creative Writing magnet program and I was a bit bored once I did. So…I started a literary magazine called The Sun and Shadow and organized my entire class to produce it. I wish I still had a copy.

10th grade- I felt that the kids in my neighborhood weren’t getting enough exposure to literature so I asked their parents for permission to take them on a field trip to the library on a Saturday. I asked a couple of my friends to help and we all took the bus to the library and I used my lunch money to buy all of the kids lunch.

Junior Year of college- While trying to keep myself busy during a very rough 2nd pregnancy I created a pamaphlet filled with resource information aimed to encourage expectant mothers to keep their children. I made a thousand copies and distributed them myself on street corners and at community centers. It was called, Surprise It’s Miracle. The idea caught on and an organization called me to ask my permission to make 45,000 copies of my pamphlet and mail it to every student at my university. They did it too! I got one in the mail. I was blowed.

Junior Year- I was still struggling emotionally after the birth of my 2nd son so in order to make myself feel better I contacted a group home for unwed teen mothers and I visited them often, making dinner, bringing icecream and talking to them about having hope for their futures.

Senior Year- When I got “saved” and fell in love with the internet, I wanted to create a place online where people could go to encourage each other through the rough times. It started as a project for an independent study and it became www.justsaved.com. The web designer had to quit because she was working for free, but I got a few good months out of it and I was so proud of myself.

I’m sure there were other times where my entrepreneural spirit took over and I spearheaded projects, events or whatever but these are the ones I remember most. All of that experience as leader has lead me to believe that I was born to jumpstart, manage and grow my own business that is based on helping others…and that is exactly what I plan to do.

~wink~

Details coming soon…

Coming Out Of The Closet

I have to admit, I’m afraid.

I’ve only been holding on this secret because I didn’t want to look like a coward if I changed my mind. Now I know I’m ready. Now i know it’s time.

************ ********* ********* ********* *******

Yolie: hey, lady
Yolie: everything going okay>?
ptygrneyez: yes, thanks
Yolie: you said you had a room in vinings–is it just a room?
Yolie: you still looking for something else?
ptygrneyez: im renting a room, its nice
Yolie: cooooool
Yolie: how’s the j-o-b?
ptygrneyez: im abot to write to my email list about it and then i’ll blog about it cuz its JUICY
Yolie: really
Yolie: how juicy?
Yolie: lol
ptygrneyez: very juicy
Yolie: juicy as in you get a raise juicy?
Yolie: lol
ptygrneyez: ull see
Yolie: ok, now, you know cancers, being one yourself, and you know we like to KNOW
ptygrneyez: a raise? LOL, Yolanda…you KNOW u know better than that
ptygrneyez: a raise isnt exciting
ptygrneyez: its standard
Yolie: hehehe
ptygrneyez: ok dammit- u know ima tell u
Yolie: well, a better position would also do it for me
Yolie: lol
ptygrneyez: ok, here goes
ptygrneyez: Yolanda…i want u to think about something
Yolie: ok, i’m thinking
Yolie: i’m thinking she bedda go ahead and spill
ptygrneyez: i never dream of promotions, raises
ptygrneyez: cuz when i go to a company i never think i will stay long
Yolie: same here
ptygrneyez: cuz i dont have the spirit to wrk for someone else
Yolie: but i thought maybe you had did a 360
ptygrneyez: lol
Yolie: you darn skippy
ptygrneyez: so heres what happened
ptygrneyez: my editor has it in for me, feels threatened, bla bla
Yolie: they always do when your talent can uproot them
Yolie: keep going
ptygrneyez: i work my best, my hardest and everyone recognizes it
ptygrneyez: last saturday i took the day off cuz my bestfriend was sick needed to go to ER
ptygrneyez: i took her
ptygrneyez: i called in
ptygrneyez: that afternoon i had this sense of urgency
ptygrneyez: to complete my business plan
ptygrneyez: for my non profit
Yolie: keep going
ptygrneyez: i invited a friend over
ptygrneyez: to help me bounce ideas and I declared THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE
ptygrneyez: i declared that I would find a way to quit my job and work full time on my non profit idea
Yolie: i’m loving it
Yolie: keep going
ptygrneyez: i went in to work early on Monday
ptygrneyez: doing my thing as usual
ptygrneyez: my editor had me traiining the other guy
ptygrneyez: she hired me in my position
Yolie: i’m listening, i mean, reading
Yolie: keep going
ptygrneyez: oh sorry
ptygrneyez: so im being cool
ptygrneyez: training him, editing stories for the copy editors and filling calendars and stuff
ptygrneyez: i send out an email to my publisher, CEO and editor asking if we could meet to discuss how my role and the new guy’s role will work together
ptygrneyez: cuz i have some ideas how to make it successful
ptygrneyez: they say SURE, they will meet with me at 4:30
Yolie: keep going
ptygrneyez: so i go into the meeting with my notes
ptygrneyez: all ready
Yolie: type faster
ptygrneyez: and i say, “Before I begin, I want to thank you for taking the time to listen to me.”
ptygrneyez: u crazy!
ptygrneyez: lol
ptygrneyez: and they say, “No problem.”
ptygrneyez: And im like, “Before I start is there anything you want to say to me?”
Yolie: faster, faster
ptygrneyez: ANd they say, “Well actually there is…I don’t think this position is working out with you. We’re gonna have to let you go.”
ptygrneyez: Im like…
ptygrneyez: “Are you serious?”
Yolie: so, they had you train your replacement?
ptygrneyez: And they hand me a seperation paper and ask me to leave.
ptygrneyez: Yes.
Yolie: wtf?
ptygrneyez: not the end
ptygrneyez: cuz get this
Yolie: keep going
ptygrneyez: i had just sent out an email that morning to my friends
ptygrneyez: telling them that this company was the last company I was ever going to work for
ptygrneyez: I spoke it
ptygrneyez: so i was about to move into my apartment that evening
Yolie: yes, you did
ptygrneyez: and i wasn’t sad
ptygrneyez: cuz I knew that i had a contract on the table for my side job
ptygrneyez: to do extensive PR for him
ptygrneyez: i figured that this was my time to start my own thing
Yolie: everything for a reason and in its season
ptygrneyez: so i sat home on Tuesday trying to pray and figure out what I would do
ptygrneyez: and something said,
ptygrneyez: you interviewed a man last week
ptygrneyez: from Houston who started his own non profit 5 years ago
ptygrneyez: and now its worth millions
ptygrneyez: and helps so many ppl
ptygrneyez: maybe if you called him he could give u some pointers
ptygrneyez: but i didnt have his number
Yolie: this is getting good
ptygrneyez: IM MAD THAT IMA HAVE TO TYPE THIS ALL OVER AGAIN SINCE PRINCESS YOLANDA COULDNT WAIT! LOL
ptygrneyez: so anyway…
ptygrneyez: i called and said, “This is Ms. Tee from **********.”
ptygrneyez: He was happy to hear from me.
ptygrneyez: “This isnt a business call. This is personal,” I told him.
ptygrneyez: “Ok.” he said.
Yolie: yayyyyyyyyyyyy
Yolie: ok, keep going
ptygrneyez: “The interview I did with you last week was so inspiring that I had to call you and tell u that I listened to it several times.”
ptygrneyez: “I have similar goals of wanting to start a non profit…”
Yolie: rapidamente
ptygrneyez: “And I was wondering if you could offer some advice or words of encouragement”
ptygrneyez: “All i need is a few minutes of your time.” I told him.
ptygrneyez: “Let me tell YOU a story,” he began.
ptygrneyez: “Last week I was watching Oprah. And I NEVER watch Oprah.”
ptygrneyez: “She had the guy from the movie Pursuit of Happyness on there.”
Yolie: *sitting back as this gets better and better*
ptygrneyez: lol
ptygrneyez: “Its a story about a man who kept getting fired from jobs so he was forced to start his own company and now he’s a millionaire. He went from being homeless to millionaire status.”
Yolie: yeah, i’m familiar with it
ptygrneyez: “During that show Oprah says there is someone who wants to see the man. A lady walks out and she is crying. She tells the man that many years ago she was looking for someone to mentor her and teach her to be successful and no one would pay her any attention.
ptygrneyez: But HE did. He offered her an internship. He even paid for her college education and now she was wildly successful. Both she and the man were crying. It was very moving.”
ptygrneyez: I’m like, “OK.”
Yolie: keep going
ptygrneyez: He continues, “After I saw that I prayed. I told God that I wanted to be able to help someone like that one day. I want to be the one who would help someone else build their fortune but I didn’t want to force my help on anyone…”
ptygrneyez: “God please send me someone who wanted my help and would ASK for it. And I will do anything in my power to make them accomplish their biggest dreams.”
ptygrneyez: “This phone call is an answered prayer” he said to me.
Yolie: yesssssssssssssssss ssss
ptygrneyez: So we continued to talk and we outlined my business plan. He offered his expertise and my little baby idea turned into a MILLION DOLLAR idea.
Yolie: keep typing
Yolie: i am so loving it
ptygrneyez: He Kept fine tuning it
ptygrneyez: until I was about to cry.
ptygrneyez: So then he asked, “So now you have to contact as many business leaders as you can and ask them if they would consider it.”
ptygrneyez: “I don’t know many here,” I told him.
ptygrneyez: “Where do you know a lot?”
ptygrneyez: “Um…Nowhere. ” I replied sadly.
ptygrneyez: “Well, you know some in Houston. I can get 10 leaders who would be willing to help you.”
ptygrneyez: “In fact… Would you ever consider relocating?”
ptygrneyez: “Well…I have nothing holding me back here. I just lost my job yesterday and I am not in a lease. Im renting month to month.”
ptygrneyez: “REALLY?” he asked surprised.
ptygrneyez: “Yes. Thats where I am right now.”
Yolie: everything for a reason and in its own seasomn
Yolie: season*
ptygrneyez: “Well…if you are serious. If you’re really serious. If you want to move to Houston you can come work for my company. I’ll give you a position that will be enough to pay your bills. It will be flexible too so you can work on your own non profit and we can develop that. What do you say?”
ptygrneyez: Everyday since we have had phone meetings and we outline my business goals. He has taught me so much in these few days.Yolie: i say do it
ptygrneyez: He gives me ideas and I improve upon them and he admits I am a much better communicator than he is and he needs those skills.
Yolie: you’re in the perfect place to do it
ptygrneyez: My going away dinner is January 3rd. I hope you and HH will come.
Yolie: you know i’m all for stepping out
ptygrneyez: I leave on January 4th.
Yolie: hell, yeah, i’m coming
Yolie: wouldn’t miss it for the world
ptygrneyez: wow
ptygrneyez: im moving to Houston to start my non profit!
ptygrneyez: my dream come true!
Yolie: were you able to get unemployment from the others who “thought they could slow your roll to your destiny?”
ptygrneyez: i didnt even try…
ptygrneyez: no one will ever fire me again!
Yolie: and that’s exactly how you should see it
Yolie: from here on out
b
Just think… Seven days ago, I sat down and prayed. I declared that my life would change forever as I outlined my vision for my non profit organization. Seven days later it’s all settled. My old job is gone, I met a great mentor and now I’m moving toward accomplishing all that is in my heart to accomplish.

I’m MOVING TO HOUSTON in 3 weeks!!!!!

Thank you for believing with me!

First Things First

I have to make up my mind. AM i really gonna do this or not? I have to be committed before I tell anyone. I don’t want to seem like I’m doubleminded.

What is he offering here? A chance to watch him as he operates his non profit at the same time give me insight on how to get mine going? This is like a dream internship. A young Black entrepreneur has offered to teach me some things. That’s my dream come true. I may be a little off focus sometimes, but that’s because my mind is overloaded with ideas and dreams and goals and fantasies all spinning around at the same time and it seems my brain catches glimpses of each of them at a time so my mind is constantly jumping from scene to scene, questions that need to be answered, stories that need to be told.

Hmm… Where did that come from?

Ever since I called him for the first time he has been holding daily (almost daily) phone meetings with me either at the beginning or the end of his day. I have my pen and paper ready to jot down any million dollar ideas because he spits them out so easily.

One night he called me excitedly, “Hey….I remember when I was in school and this boy had this internet business. What he did was Blah blah blah blah blah blah.. Blah Blah blah blah blah blah…. ANd thats how he made his money. You could do that. But on a much more profrssional, larger scale, that could be the way you generate steady income while you work your non profit.

I almost cry… Damn. Is he serious? Could I do this?

I can.

“Sure you can,” he tells me.. “All you gotta do is get a partner. Blah blah blah blah blah blah…. Then they do all the work and you receive your share of the profit while you work your non profit.”

Damn… I can. I can do this.

“Find somebody to partner with. Get a website first.”

The next day I couldn’t believe it. In less than a week I went from working in a magazine in Atlanta, to unemployed and revising my plans for my future.

I spent the entire evening writing the business plans for both my non profit and my internet based business.
I wanted to show the young CEO that I was serious. He told me that he didn’t have time to sit with me and develop the idea when I got to Houston. “All that needs to be done before you come here. You need to have everything you want to do all planned out. We don’t have time to waste. I’ll be out of the country for 2 weeks, we need to get as much done as we can before then.”

SO I’ve been on the grind. I have found a partner for my internet business and a manager to help run it. I have drafted contracts for each of them detailing their role in this project, my expectations and how they will be compensated. I sat there and made it all up. I used legal terms I had read in all of those FUCK ASS Court papers child support was always sending me. Man… it made me feel like God was breathing into me the breath of life. It felt so plain, so clear. Like I was on a windy mountaintop on a clear blue day and you turn to your left and the person you love most is smiling up at you.

There’s something about putting together what I call a “business model”. It was my plan of everyone’s role and how each role would function together. Then I break it down even further to do a step by step guide to how the service would be provided and who was involved in each step.

I texted young CEO to tell him to ck his email cuz I sent him a file of my business model and I wanted his feedback. He never does. Most times he’ll text me back and say, “That was excellent. It seemed so real.” Then I’ll text him back, “It is real. I’m doing this now.”

He is a very funny guy. You won’t believe this he’s 24. He’s a CEO of a non profit and he runs a multimillon dollar corporation. He’s going to teach me how. Are you kidding me? AND beside all that, he’s a really nice guy. I can tell by some of the stories about business decisions that he has shared with me that he is a man of integrity. He has a giving heart.

Too bad he’s married or he would have been the perfect catch though every man that gets close to me gets the TOW TRUCK CLAW courtesy of Dell. I don’t see they asses no more. They disgust me. But the great thing about him is he loves his family so much.. His wife he calls Duchess and he has a little girl and a little boy. The little boy’s brand new. His family lives in Sugarland and he says he loves it there.

I’m moving to Houston to start my non profit.

But I still have to make some money right now. What will I do?

My rent is covered. OK. Thank God I just moved into a shared condo with this chick and it’s only $500 everything included. ANd she’s not so bad of a roommate. She’s fun when I’m relaxing and she comes in and we watch TV together. I’m gonna kinda miss her. She wasn’t so bad. And she was white. But she was cool. I really wasn’t expecting that.

So all I have left is my car insurance, cell phone, car note and gas. I don’t need too much gas because I don’t have to drive much so thats that. I have just enough to cover everything. The only way I will be able to move is if I find a place to live NOW, then work something and make enough to drive from Houston to Atlanta and still move in a new place when I get there and get my first paycheck from the part time job he is offering me.

Ok, I’ll have to stratetegize. I need more money now. I had already begin the writing for my side job but I had only allotted 5 hours a week for that due to the demands of my other job. IF I could pitch him and convince him to allow me to work more hours then I could really twirk something.

But I wanted to present it professionally, so I called on young CEO. I texted him and told him that he needed to review a document I was sending to his email and offer feedback. He looked at the contract and even went rhough line by line and offered his comments. Strangely enough, his comments made absolutely no sense to me so I texted him to tell him that he had to call me at his earlierst convenience to explain what all of this meant.

I took notes as he explained it to me but his additions didn’t say what he should have said. So I took his method of communication and added my usual step by step way of mapping things out and I drafted a proposal for a contract to do PR not just as an individual project, young CEO told me that I need to turn this project into one that has residual income. “When you’re doing your proposal add on 3 months of consulting for a low fee. That way, even after the project is done, he’ll have aready hired you to make any revisions, additions or do any last minute changes. AND that’s $650 a month that you KNOW you got coming in. Plus money from the website, plus you working your non profit and living your dream.”

I’m blowed every time I speak to him. He almost matches my drive. Believe it or not, I don’t know if he wants more than what he has. I mean.. that’s okay. It really is…I jus appreciate that he’s happy and not being selfish with his knowledge. Finally I’m not working for some woman who belittles me, tries to make me feel bad about myself or fires me to secure her spot in the harem.

Finally I’m not working for anybody.

Finally I’m working for me.

And things are going well. Everytime I take a leap of faith I win. I stood up, marched proudly over to the web design guy who also owns a successful printing business here in Atlanta, and I told him my idea. I had nothing to back me up but the plans I had written. And he claimed that he didnt get a chance to look at them before I showed up. That forced me to explain my idea to him and answer any questions he had.

He was a bit stoic, I mean…he expressed emotion like, TWICE, but in the end he said he was seriously interested and to draw up a contract for our partnership. He didn’t hesitate to offer me a job at his company and ask for my freelance writing help for the clients he gets who don’t have content developed for heir websites. He said he will send them to me. And I told him I’d use HIM for all of my clients printing and graphic design needs.

I went over what I expected from him as I wrote out the contract. How he would be compensated. I gave the partnership a time limit of six months before being put up for review. I sent it to Raycita in California who’s coming up on her last semester in law School out there. She sent me her disclosure: I AM NOT A LEGAL ATTORNEY. THIS IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE.

SHe’s so silly.

She suggested that I delve further into the what if’s of our relationship. SO I did. I thought of scenarios that could happen and I came up with a fair way to resolve them. I also created job descriptions and contracts for the other team members who are joining slowly but surely.

This will work if we get a good system going. And I get to grinding. Thank goodness this e-business and my non profit go hand in hand.

That’s very nice.

Catch Them Gator Girlz

Doing the Heisman on that ho!!

LOL!

Get it!!!

GO GATORS!!!

Yeah… college… Man… I wouldn’t have traded that experience for the world…

My 3 Boys

In the midst of waiting for my contracts to be reviewed I am making more preparations for my move to Houston. Everyone has been so supportive and I am so grateful for that. Now all I have to do is tell my boys. I kinda feel like they are going to be like, “Poor Lady, she just doesn’t know what she wants out of life.” But I’ll make it comfortable and make it plain for them, assuring them that I’m setting things up for our future. I get to see them during the Christmas break. I’m heading down to Gainesville to spend the weekend because they will be in nearby Ocala visiting their father’s family.

When I told their Daddy I must have caught him off guard because he immediately got all emotional whining about, “I don’t want you to come to my family’s house because I don’t like you. I don’t like who I am when I’m around you. I don’t trust you,” I interrupted him and said, “Boy, you know me. You know I’m not going to be disrespectful to you, your girlfriend or your family.”

“But I don’t even want to see your face. I’ll make sure that I am far away when you show up.”

I don’t know why he acts like that. It’s like I control his mood. He can’t even be relaxed and happy around me because he’s all nervous. I’m so glad he doesn’t affect me in that way anymore. I don’t give a damn who he’s sleeping with or what career he’s doing because…he ain’t my man. He’s just my Baby Daddy. He needs to get over that emotional shit because I ain’t paying his ass any attention. It’s immature and unneccessary, we need to squash this shit. I’m not in a competition with him. These are our damn CHILDREN we’re trying to raise- together. We have to work as a team. I don’t want his damn money. Shit.. Looks like I was never gonna get it anyway.

Baby Daddy,

If you ACT right, you could be PAID off of me, dummy. Be nice for a change because when I make it, you gotta have a nice place too so my boys will be cozy when they visit you. Or even if we split time with them, they are going to be well taken care of on both ends and I will see to that. I just wish you had the same heart. But it’s okay, you don’t have to. I’ll be alright. I trust you with the boys.

I hear you call your house the ba chelor pad. That made me laugh. Just you and your boys huh? I know you are having too much fun with them because I used to have so much fun with them too. They are great boys, part of you and part of me. You helped create the best gifts I could have gotten from God and I appreciate you for that. You are a good father. Everyone can see that. But you don’t have to try to prove that I’m a bad mother in order to get your props. Why can’t we both be good parents? Why does it have to be a war?

If you ever talked to me with some sense you would see that we are on the same page when it comes to the needs of our boys. You KNOW I’m a compromising woman. I would never use my kids as a weapon to hurt you. They need you and you need them just like I need them.

Let’s show our sons that we can be friends. We were friends once upon a time, remember? Or was it just one sided and you never saw me as your friend? Maybe that’s what happened. Regardless we can always start over. I have too much other stuff on my plate to have you as an adversary.

I want to be cool, not exactly friends, but just…cool with you. Respectful. I want to be able to show you appreciation without you getting all weird on me or thinking it’s because I want to be with you. I don’t. But you’re still cool though.

Let’s be cool together.

Tee

Just Do It

I’ve been all over Craig’s List looking for a roommate and I think I finally found her.

I placed an ad and just crossed my fingers hoping that one of the people I communicated with would communicate well enough for me to trust living with them in a city that I have never even visited before. I have never even been to the state. I had to pull out a map and count how many states I would have to go through in order to get to Texas. Four. I’ll be driving through 4 states alone.

To a city I’ve never even thought about moving to before. With no friends. And I know absolutely no one.

Who the hell do I think I am? Superwoman?

Naw… I’m just a woman on a mission to fulfill her destiny and if I don’t do it now, I may never have another chance. I don’t want to waste a minute of this time while my boys are with their father. Every moment counts. Things never worked out for me while I was working for someone else. My entrepreneural spirit sabotaged many a job but now is the time to bring it to the forefront and do it for myself.

And I will. I will try and fail if I have to but I will try again and again and again. Fuck it. What do I have to lose? I tell you what, I’ll lose my sanity if I had to live a life knowing that I had a dream and I did absolutely nothing to see if I could have it come true. That must be sad. To know you could have TRIED and that you didn’t and that’s why you’re working for a company for 28 years and all you have to show is a framed certificate. Take that damn framed certificate and knock your boss over the head with it!

You only have one life to live and you have to live it to the limit! Nothing is impossible. Close your eyes and dream. Open your eyes and DO! Do it! Do it!

Do it!

Seriously. Do it.

There’s nothing to it but to do it.

That’s really real.

Did She Really Do That?

The first day I visited my new roommate I told her that I had a desktop computer and I needed the internet access set up for my bedroom. When I moved in she told me that she’d have her friend come and hook up my connection by the weekend. I informed her, in writing that internet access is vital to my career so I couldn’t wait until the weekend.

She replied by saying that I could borrow her laptop until her friend came. I replied by saying I appreciate the offer but her computer does not have the programs (WORD) that I need to present my contracts professionally but I will use it until she gets my room connected but it needs to be sooner than later. She installed the programs on her computer a week later.

Her friend never came to visit and set up my connection. By this time I’m getting frustrated because in the evenings she comes home, plops down on the couch and turns on the TV to relax. Her laptop is not wireless so If I’m still revising my proposal I can’t concentrate with her interrupting me and telling me her life’s stories, talking on the phone and watching crazy shit like REAL WORLD Denver.

All I want to do is go in my room and close the door and use the internet. I don’t want to have to sit up in her face every night.

So I kinda have to confront her about the whole thing and she tells me that I need a cable modem. I’m pressed to NOT be interrupted by her relaxation routine so I go out and buy one from Walmart for $70. I try to install it and I realize that my disk drive is not working correctly. I get my friend Vicky to show me how to fix it and I come back home to install the software.

I keep going to her and asking her what’s going on with the connection in my room to which she replies dumbly, “Ohhh. just call the cable company.” I raise my eyebrow and suck it up while she giggles in front of the television.

I call them using her account information and they tell me that they can not register two modems for one account and if I need a second computer added I’ll need to buy a splitter or router or something.

I tell her what’s going on and she says she will take care of it.

A few days later I run to Walmart to return the cable modem and they tell me that I can’t return computer software. I immediately call her and tell her what happened and that I will be home to talk to her about it.

I come home and show her the modem and the receipt and tell her that I’m getting tired of trying to figure out how to set this internet up when I TOLD her that I wasn’t tech savvy and she promised to make sure it was hooked up for me.

Internet is included in the rent. It says so on the month to month lease. Nowhere on the lease did it say that I would be required to spend more money on hardware or that I would have to coordinate installation. I ask her to give me the money I spent on the modem, $70, since I can’t return it, I don’t need it and I only bought it because she told me I needed it.

She basically says that it’s not her fault my disk drive wasn’t working and I’m looking at her like, “Please don’t make me act crazy on you..” I’m pleading with her with my eyes and heart.

She refused to give me the money.

I charge that one to the game and go spend some time with friends. When I get back my internet access is up and running in my room. I’m so happy!

I look around the apartment for the modem I bought. I mentioned the situation to a friend of mine and she asked if she could have the modem, I told her “sure.”

I can’t find my modem.

When she gets home I ask her, “Hey, do you know what happened to my modem?”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you. I can’t find the box and I know I left it here.”

“Oh,” she says and walks into her room. “I forgot to tell you, I returned it but they only gave me half the money back.”

She hands me my receipt and two bills totalling $30.

I look at the receipt in astonishment. There’s a straight line through the price of the modem. I have returned enough stuff to Walmart to know that a full refund was given if a line is drawn through a receipt.

Is this chick really trying to get over on me?

“Dawn,” I begin cautiously. “Why would you do something like that without even talking to me about it first? I promised that modem to someone already since I was told I couldn’t get the cash.”

“I did it cuz I saw you were really pissed off about the whole thing.”

“So you take my purchase without my permission and return it to the store and forget to give me the HALF return payment that Walmart gave you?” My eyes are tiny slits now.

“Fine,” she says quietly and starts to walk away. “I will give you the full amount for it then.”

“You sure will.”

I walk into my room and call my friend to tell her what happened. “Pshhh,” my friend says. “That’s white people for ya. They will kill their own BROTHER if they think they can get a million dollars for it. It’s not that she thinks you’re dumb, she just thinks she can outsmart you.”

“But why would she need to outsmart me? We’re not in competition.”

“Girl, all I can say is, I’m not surprised to hear this story. That’s how they are. You can’t trust them.”

Man…

I actually found a roommate in Houston (through Craig’s List) and I was just about to write about her. But now…I’m not so sure because she’s white and I have never had a good experience with a white woman and now that all this went down, I don’t see myself being open to having another disgusting experience like I just had with my current roommate and the craziness that went on with the white girl from my old church.

I’m trying to be open. I want to be. I really do. I want to be proved wrong but… it hasn’t happened yet.

I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I don’t know anymore

Things look so bleak now. My contract didn’t come through. I’m not sure if I can trust this new white girl I’m supposed to be living with. I definitely can’t trust the one I’m living with now. My job situation has not solidified itself yet. I have no financial means to actually buy my kids Christmas presents much less drive all the way to Houston.

I’m beginning to worry. I know I shouldn’t but maybe I’ve been living in a dream world. Maybe there are more sharks than dolphins and me being so damn naiive I can’t recognize when someone is running game on me.

Maybe all of this isn’t a blessing. Maybe I’m running off to Houston to meet my demise. Maybe I was never meant to be anything more than a Baby Mama. Maybe it is ME that’s fucking things all up in my life.

Maybe this whole “do good” persona I have is completely wrong. Seems like the more I do good, the harder things get. But I can’t change my heart. I can’t change who I am. Where the hell are the honest good hearted people in this world? Are you telling me that my friends are the only people like that?

Since I have been in Atlanta I have not met ONE potential friend. I mean…if it’s about getting yours, I’m all for it, GET YOURS. But if you feel like you have to cheat someone out of something for you to win then DAMN– fuck you too then!

I’m so upset right now.

I hope I wake up in a better mood. I’m sorry God. I hope this is you pushing me toward Houston. I don’t want to seem ungrateful or unfaithful. I just can’t…see how any of this will work out.

Early Christmas Gift

My homie Ryan sent this to me.

He knows exactly what I need for Christmas!

Thanks Ryan!

Steady Tension

Do you hear that creaking noise?

That’s my neck, my back, my neck and my back.

I am so freaking tense I feel like I’m about to snap. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m going or who I can trust. Why do I know I have so much to give to this world yet I am unable to find a medium to give?

Everyday I catalogue all of the things that I know need improving within myself. I’m not talking about big things like selfishness, greed or pride. I’m talking about the things that seem insignificant to most, things like countenance, tone and keeping my heart pure.

I place way too much pressure on myself. I just never meet my own expectations and that causes me to feel like a failure. Why can’t I be successful at anything? I want to be. I just feel like I never fit. I have began to become more withdrawn. I cringe at the thought of interacting socially because I’m afraid I will say or do something wrong.

I’m a smart chick. I know that. I just don’t know how to check myself. I need to see if my heart is coming across appropriately to others. I’m so…rigid and direct when I deal with people. People look at me like, “Damn Lil Mama…you’re too cute to be so abrasive.”

I don’t know if it’s because I’m only 5’1″ or what. Maybe I have the Napoleon complex. Maybe all of my dreams of success are to compensate for knowing that I was/will never experience true acceptance/love with the exception of my friends. I even fear that my sons will grow to be disgusted by me. One day they will be men too. I want so badly for them to be proud of me that I will die if I have to settle for a regular life.

Ya’ll don’t understand, wherever I go, people love me. It’s been like that all my life. I’m a natural leader because I have confidence and intelligence and I’m creative. I just feel like it’s all so false. I don’t understand why they love me like that. I don’t feel like I deserve it because I haven’t done anything great yet.

I don’t want to hurt anyone because I can’t control my emotions. I also don’t like to lay down and be a patsy for people to walk over either. Where’s the balance in that?

oh Lord, if I don’t get it together I’m gonna develop an ulcer because I worry so much about being a good person and being a good example to others and I never measure up to where I feel I should be.

Lately, my emotions are taking me all over the place. I spent the first couple of weeks after I was let go from my job, all excited and happy about my future. I was so sure that everything was going to be fine. In the back of my mind I feel like that now but…I just don’t see any evidence. I feel like I’m always the one people are worried about. I’m always the one floating. I’m always the one dangling.

As grown as I am-As much as I fuck-As much as I walk around looking jazzy with my makeup on, turning heads and breaking hearts— Right now all I really want is to be held and told it’s going to be alright.

Me sitting here on this floor, typing away hoping to release some of this angst- Me sitting here with all the vision in the world- Me sitting here sincerely wanting to be a blessing to everyone who comes into contact with me- Man I just never measure up to what I should be or what I could be.

I think it’s getting to me that both of my bestfriends are getting married next year and I’m nowhere near that. I don’t know Anna’s fiance that well but we have talked on the phone once or twice and I have told him that I want to love him too and I hope we get a chance to know each other. I just want to trust him to take care of her.

She’s so happy! You should have heard her on the phone with me yesterday squealing, “I got my ring girl!” She texted me a picture of it and I forwarded it to Tamara who said, “That looks just like my engagement ring.”

I ain’t no punk. I know how to delight in the happiness of my friends. I just…don’t know what’s wrong with me right now.

I’m just a fucking square motherfucking peg. I want what they have— with a man. Kim is like my boyfriend now but eventually she’s going to get a man too. She’s too beautiful not to.

Then what will I do? It’s just gonna be me and my stacks of money, book deals and promotional activities.

That will not satisfy me.

Maybe I’ll get a cat.

I would say that I need sex but I just had some with this fine ass tenderoni and it didn’t make me feel any better. It made me feel worse knowing that this tenderoni is going to become a fine ass, successful ass man one day and he will marry a woman similar to his mom who is beautiful, petite and just…womanly –and here I am…just a quick fuck.

What the fuck am I?

Am I just a cute face?

You should see Tamara and her fiance together. Sometimes I want to beat them up. They are just so cool together. He like, takes his time with her. He makes sure to show appreciation for her. He makes sure to tell her she looks good when we go out. He makes sure to remind her that he thinks she is so fine. He recognizes her insecurities and works through them with her.

You know what I hear when I share my insecurities with a man? “Um..I’m not gonna invite you over anymore because if you feel like this then what the hell are you doing here?”

Am I crazy? Yeah.. probably.

Man I’ll be alright. I’m going to see my boys this weekend. I need to see them so badly. At least for right now… I know they won’t care about Mommy’s inconsistencies.

I’m so tired.

I’m going to take a nap. Maybe the knots in my body will go away.