I don’t know anymore

Things look so bleak now. My contract didn’t come through. I’m not sure if I can trust this new white girl I’m supposed to be living with. I definitely can’t trust the one I’m living with now. My job situation has not solidified itself yet. I have no financial means to actually buy my kids Christmas presents much less drive all the way to Houston.

I’m beginning to worry. I know I shouldn’t but maybe I’ve been living in a dream world. Maybe there are more sharks than dolphins and me being so damn naiive I can’t recognize when someone is running game on me.

Maybe all of this isn’t a blessing. Maybe I’m running off to Houston to meet my demise. Maybe I was never meant to be anything more than a Baby Mama. Maybe it is ME that’s fucking things all up in my life.

Maybe this whole “do good” persona I have is completely wrong. Seems like the more I do good, the harder things get. But I can’t change my heart. I can’t change who I am. Where the hell are the honest good hearted people in this world? Are you telling me that my friends are the only people like that?

Since I have been in Atlanta I have not met ONE potential friend. I mean…if it’s about getting yours, I’m all for it, GET YOURS. But if you feel like you have to cheat someone out of something for you to win then DAMN– fuck you too then!

I’m so upset right now.

I hope I wake up in a better mood. I’m sorry God. I hope this is you pushing me toward Houston. I don’t want to seem ungrateful or unfaithful. I just can’t…see how any of this will work out.