Month: July 2006

This Is My Real Life

I woke up this morning and smiled to myself, ready to share my good news with my friends.

I was now celebrating 24 hours of no diarrhea which may sound comical but when you’ve been running to the bathroom every half hour for 11 days straight it is nothing short of a miracle.

I even went back to Urgent Care on Friday because of the cramps associated with my problem. I sat in the waiting room for 5 hours before they saw me and was immediately hooked up to an IV to aid in the rehydration of my body. I was then told that the antibiotics, (Cipro) they gave me to treat my kidney infection may have caused an infection in my colon hence the leaky bowels.

“Here is another prescription for antibiotics,” the doc told me. “These should help.”

Yeah right. Just like the last ones helped so much. I can’t afford them anyway so I’ll have to suffer until I come up.

I left for home feeling relieved that they didn’t admit me into the hospital again but angry that there wasn’t a cure for my problem. I can’t even go anywhere without having a cramp followed by the urgent need to go to the potty. Imagine me and my boys in the grocery store last week.

Me: ~running to the bathroom clutching my belly~ Come on boys!!!!!!!!

It’s embarrassing and damaging to my spirit. I’ve been trying so many different home remedies and most work the first time I try them but are useless during the second application.

Can I confess that I don’t know what I am doing wrong in my life to keep going through things like this. I considered changing my blog name to Hard Times in Miami, but decided against it since words are prophetic.

But a few hours after my happy dance this morning, I walked sadly back into my second home. The diarrhea came back. ~crying~

I look like skeletor. Like a broke down baldheaded crack fiend with no friends or relatives who give a damn. ~smile~

I’m crazy. I know. But I’m just tired ya’ll. So tired all the time. And I’m still chasing after these boys everyday and I can barely keep up with their appetites. I started hiding from my friends after my cell phone was disconnected. I’m tired of answering the question, “Have you found a job yet?”

Ohh, the peanut gallery would love to see me like this I’m sure.

I met my bills for this month (well the ones that haven’t been canceled already) and I’m on pins and needles about next month.

I wish I could change who I am and be more like all of you who know how to keep it together.

All day long in between cramps I look for jobs online and analyze my life. I criticize my words, actions and character searching for some evidence of wrong doing or some guidance on how to do right.

A more savvy person would know how to make those work situations go more smoothly. A more seasoned individual would have been able to handle people better. All of my life I have been treated as special and maybe that is my problem. The real world doesn’t work like that. You’ve got to play the game well to win.

And I’m unskilled at the game. I’m not good at ANY type of game. Maybe that’s the problem. You think having a good heart and talent and drive will get you where you want to go. I’m not seeing that in my life.

I’m missing something.

Fuck.

Sometimes I don’t wanna write on this blog. You think I like the fact that you all sit in judgement of me?

This is merely entertainment for you. This is my real life.

I started this blog as a fun way to catalogue my adventures after college and now…

Now…blogging has become a lifestyle for me.

Even though I wish it wasn’t.

I wish I could tell funny stories and make fun of people and dispense my all knowing wisdom about political topics and shit but I can’t.

Man…

I’ve been on one other interview since I started this job hunt. It was last week. I almost couldn’t go because I didn’t have anyone to watch my boys for me but at the last minute I found someone. Then there was the little problem of my chronic trips to the bathroom. I drank a couple teaspoons of apple cider vinegar (THANKS BUNNY!) and it stopped my problem for a little while so I could go.

The interview was straight but it was a group interview. About 15 people showed up for a job as a Community Relations Coordinator of a company. You know, making up programs to get the name of the company out there, giving presentations about the services and generally meeting people and telling them why the company is great.

Sounds perfect for me or so I thought. During the interview we were all asked to stand and tell the recruiter why we were the best person for the job. Everyone was so professional and impressive. I was more laid back because that is the type of speaker I am.

“Hi, I’m Ms. Tee and I’m a Cancer….” I began. They all laughed.

The next question we had to answer was a bit more tricky.

If you had to choose one person in this room to work with based on their introductions, who would you choose and why?

We each stood and answered. The question was a bit odd to me. I just chose a chick based on the fact that we had a little side conversation during the break. No biggie.

But what happened next astounded me.

Of the 15 people there, more than half chose ME.

They called me “inspirational” and “real”. They all said when I spoke they felt my heart and the words I spoke made them feel like they could do anything. After the interview was over a few of them came over to meet me and exchange information.

I felt like a star as they called me blessed and shook my hand before leaving.

I know what I’m good at. I’m a writer and I’m a speaker. But somehow I have to become good at something else or my kids and I will end up on the streets.

Today I received my final letter from the group of publishing houses that I submitted my book idea to. “We regret to inform you….”

It’s always darkest before the dawn.

There’s no testimony without a test.

You have to crawl before you walk.

yadda yadda yadda. I’ve heard them all.

But…regardless of how bleak things seem, I just can’t let go of what I know I can do in this world if I was just given a chance and some guidance.

What was it that Teleza said? Good things DO happen to good people.

Well, I’m banking on it.

Lord, if I’m not handed a blessing, then at least teach me a lesson so that I can move forward, wiser than I was in the past.

I’m teachable and hungry. Show me the way.

I used to think that my role in this world was to be pretty, soft, sweet and to use my gift to encourage others to greatness. Now I understand that my gift should be used to educate as well. My lack of confidence in my ability to understand political and world issues should not be an excuse to remain ignorant. If you are like I was and side stepped important issues of the day simply because you didn’t want the burden of forming an opinion and possibly having your fantasy life bubble burst, please consider that an uneducated citizen is a danger to himself. Ignoring a problem does not make it go away. I take every news report and political movie with a grain of salt because everyone has an agenda however, we should all be concerned enough to at least form an opinion and arm ourselves with knowledge, whether we can divulge if it is tainted or not. In other words, don’t be a dummy. Watch the news every once in a while. Even if you feel powerless, it’s best to know what you are up against. Here is a promo for a movie coming soon to theaters with information concerning the rape of America by the American Internal Revenue Service, the American Government and other little assorted tidbits. Very informative.

Any Suggestions

Apple Cider Vinegar or Pepto Bismol?

I only have one chance to make the right decision. My 2nd interview for this job is a few hours away and I don’t think combining both medications to temporarily relieve me of my ~cough~ complication would be a good idea.

I take a deep breath. I’ll go with the vinegar.

I fill the medicine cup measuring 2 teaspoons and drink it down in a hurry. I then gulp down a half cup of water to rinse my mouth.

I hope it works.

I dress my sons and then myself. For the first time in weeks I feel pretty. I’m on my way to a last minute job interview for the Community Relations Coordinator position. I shouldn’t even be going but when I didn’t hear back from them I followed up with a phone call and the Director asked me to come in right away.

“Well, I really had chosen someone else for the position, but since you called you kinda threw a wrench in my plans. Come by and we’ll talk about the position a little further.”

Sounds great. Only….

I still have my medical condition which prevents me from taking long trips outside of my house and I am at home with my sons since their father took them out of summer camp in exchange for giving me $280. I went through hell trying to find a babysitter but I finally found one.

The sky is a dark gray so I pull on one of my favorite sweaters and head over to drop my boys off. I then take the half hour drive to the company located in Pembroke Pines.

I chat a bit with the receptionist and the Director comes out to greet me. We walk back to his office and he tells me he doesn’t have a lot of time so he’ll get straight to the point.

“On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your ability to speak in front of an audience?”

It’s difficult to hide my smirk as I reply, “10.”

“We have a training class on the 27th of June in Orlando for two days, would you have a problem making it?”

“No problem. I’m sure I could arrange something for my sons with enough notice.”

“I must say that you are exactly what we are looking for, but the main concern is your ability to be available to work by 7am. Is that still a problem?”

“Yes. Like I said, my son’s schools don’t even open until 7:30 and I live more than a half hour away from here.”

He leans back in his chair and frowns.

“I’m trying my best to work with you. I believe you are the best person for the job and obviously everyone else did too,” he smiles.

I laugh. “Yeah, that first interview was kinda funny. It reminded me of highschool. Who is the most popular girl?”

He laughs, “Most Likely to Get the Job, you mean.”

I laugh.

“Man,” he says. “You don’t have any support, Ms. Tee?”

I shake my head.

“No one can pick the boys up for you and take them to school?”

“No, not everyday. I don’t have anyone stable like that in my life.”

“It must be difficult for you to find employment with no support. I’m telling you, as a single Mom you are exactly the type of person needed in the position because you could be someone who shares her life story and encourages others that they too can succeed.”

“That’s my goal in life.”

He sighs and looks at me. “Are those your real eyes?”

“Sure are,” I reply with a smile.

“Simply amazing. I’ve never seen anything like that before.”

Yeahhh….

“So I know we discussed a starting salary, but I can raise it a bit for you. I think you’d be great for this I really do.”

“Well, maybe I could move closer to here. How’s the real estate in this area? Miami is very expensive to live in and it would be nice to have a break.”

“Pembroke Pines isn’t much better than Miami. You could try Miramar which is right down the street but I don’t have any suggestions. Wow. The fact that you are willing to move really shows me that you don’t have anyone to help you.”

I shake my head.

“What are you going to do?” he asks sounding concerned.

“Keep trying. Something will happen. Things are a little more difficult for me because I’m a speaker and a writer and most companies need people to do accounting work, book keeping and data entry. My best skills aren’t highly sought after.”

“We need a speaker. We really need a quality speaker.” he sighs. “You are making this very difficult. The CRC position starts their day early but finishes early. If you have to make a presentation at a school you’d need to be there by first period and that starts shortly after 7am.”

I bite my lip.

“Why don’t you take some time to think about a solution,” he asks me. “If you can come up with any way to guarantee you will be at work by 7am then we have a deal. If not, call me by tonight anyway to let me know so that I can move forward.”

“I understand,” I say and smile.

We both stand up and he walks me to the door.

“My Mom raised 4 kids by herself,” he tells me. “I understand your need to succeed.”

I nod and walk out of the door.

I pick my boys up and we go home just in time for my “illness” to catch up with me.

I call my Mama to tell her what happened. “Oh well,” she says.

I email my friends to ask their opinion and to gather suggestions. No one has anything that I could do TODAY to be able to give an answer.

I’m sitting here in my dress shirt and underwear. My makeup is still fresh. I’m still wearing my earrings. B says to have faith. My body says take a nap.

The BEFORE CARE program at my son’s school opens at 7am which is still not enough time for me to drive the half hour plus ride to Pembroke Pines. Plus, my boys attend different schools.

If I don’t come up with a solution, I will have to turn the job down.

Hmm…. I don’t know what I will do. Just two weeks before my expensive rent is due again.

Thanks for your help

I couldn’t find a relative, friend or anyone to help me. Believe it or not, I’m pretty much anti social so I have never made friends with any of the other Moms in my kid’s classes. I take the boys to birthday parties but I’m not a part of the gossip circle or social scene at the school. I’m open to conversation but it’s pretty tough to befriend me. I felt bad about this for a while but then I thought…hell…if I don’t accept myself no one will.

I’m kind of annoyed because during the first interview I told him that those hours weren’t workable for me since I live in another city. He assured me that it wasn’t that big of a deal. Today he told me that the checked with his regional director and he was told that those early hours are very important.

It wasn’t a good match from the beginning. It seemed like a great opportunity though but I refuse to believe it was my last.

My Mama got on me again tonight reminding me that it’s no longer about me and my desires for a career, it’s about my kids. It’s their world. My schedule/desires should revolve around whatever it will take to take care of them. Basically she rebuked me for taking risks when I have children to think about. “You should have never left that school,” she told me. “I stayed at my job for 20 years because of you. I did what I had to do.”

I’m not above doing what I have to do. I just don’t know what that is. I don’t want to start a job where I feel I will be unsuccessful. I want to give superior service. I want to be all I can be. LOL!

It’s time to choose a new career. I don’t want to let go of my hope of writing and speaking full time, but I don’t want to deal with the pressure associated with these creative jobs.

I don’t know what I’d be good at. Definately not physical labor. I enjoy customer service. Maybe even sales. I don’t know. Sales sounds depressing though. See, I don’t know. How do ya’ll find ya’ll career if it’s not anything you ever considered doing? Why do I feel like it’s the end of the world?

I don’t know. I guess it all starts with getting a return phone call after my resume is sent.

I guess I have been lucky (?) so far that no one has called me. There’s no way I could work while I am sick like this.

Back to square one.

Still looking and hoping and praying and loving on my sons.

I’m trying to stay positive but honestly, my friends call me up and freak me out because they are worried for me. ~sigh~

Damn…I’m hungry.

K.I.S.S. guide to the
Unrest in the Middle East
Part I

In an effort to understand the multitude of news reports and information being offered by the media, I did what most politically confused people do, I asked a friend to explain it to me in the most simple way possible.

My friend is a 27 year old Naval Intelligence Officer with a BA in political science. His passion is world affairs and he is studying to take the LSAT this year.

I hope this enlightens someone. It sure helped me!

Tee says:
Hey, I’ve been seeing a lot of snippets of news reports about a lot of fighting going on in the Middle East. What is happening over there?

ZoeBoy says:
It’s just a little blood letting on the part of Israel.The fighting intially was over the capture of a single Israeli soldier by the Palestinian militia group called Hammas. Israel began precision attacks on the roads and bridges and communication networks to keep the militia from smuggling out the captured soldier.

ZoeBoy says:
Shortly thereafter, the Lebanese militia group, called Hesbolla, to the north of Israel decided to attack Israel. They managed to kill a hand full of soldiers and take two hostages.

Tee says:
Why did they capture the soldier?

ZoeBoy says:
Hammas (Palestinians) kidnapped the soldier as leverage to negotiate the release of women and teenagers being held in Israeli prisons.

Tee says:
Is Hammas a political group? Or a gang or something?

ZoeBoy says:
Good question…Hammas is two fronts: the political wing, and the military wing.

ZoeBoy says:
The United States, as well as the other western countries, consider Hammas a terrorist organization. but it’s Ironic…the Palestinians recently held free elections and the election was monitered by the UN and the people voted in great numbers to establish a Hammas gov’t.

Tee says:
Ok so.. back to the fighting

ZoeBoy says:
ok

Tee says:
So now they have the captured soldier. The Israeli’s are upset. Is that why they started bombing?

ZoeBoy says:
Yes. To keep the Hammas group from smuggling the soldier outside of Gaza (a city in the Palestinian terroritory)

Tee says:
Huh? So they would rather kill the soldier than allow him to be smuggled? Are they aiming bombs at the smugglers or the regular citizens?

ZoeBoy says:
They have no idea where the soldier is being kept, or more importantly, if he’s even alive. What they do or did know, is that he was still in the city. So the plan was to take out the major roads, bridges and sidewalks if they had to, to keep Hammas pinned.

Tee says:
Wow.

Tee says:
So why is everyone talking WWIII talk? How could this turn into a World War?

ZoeBoy says:
That is a very extreme future to this conflict, nevertheless, scary enough to talk about. What can happen is the calling of all Islamic states to come in defense of their muslim brothers in Lebanon and in the Palestinian territory. By doing this Israel would have no choice but to call in it’s ally—the United States. The US versus the middle east…WWIII

Tee says:
Wow. Thanks Z. Will we chat again soon?

ZoeBoy:
Anytime.

Sleepless in Miami

I can’t sleep at night (Can’t sleep at night)
And I wonder why (I wonder why)
Maybe God is… trying to tell me something

My nights are restless lately. Plenty of time to sit and plot. No resolutions come just…analyzations of my past.

My soon-to-be 1st grader was just enrolled into the gifted program. I must have kissed him a million times and I even took all my change and bought he and his brother chicken sandwhiches from Wendy’s as a treat.

A pure blessing from heaven, I was able to buy my 3rd round of antibiotics to fix the damage the 2nd round did to my colon. After just one pill I felt better.

Whatever it is that antibiotics do, worked very well and ~knock on wood~ I haven’t had any diarrhea since this afternoon. If this med sticks then I can officially say that my 16 day rumble with my colon is over.

I don’t sleep well at night lately. As you have probably guessed I have a lot on my mind.

It was the weirdest thing. Today I broke out in this weird rash. I don’t know, they looked like red, raised bumps. I was itching all over my arms and calves and my torso. The discomfort went away and came back a couple of hours ago but I tell you, all of this craziness has me worried so much.

Ofcourse I had to go look around the net to see if I was gonna die and I found that I must be experiencing HIVES. They look just like the pictures. I haven’t eaten anything funny in the past few days and the hives started BEFORE I took my new medicine.

My Mama says I’m stressed. I say, “I can’t wait for this to be all over.”

My prayer is for good health for myself and my sons and the opportunity to be a light to my boys. It feels as though all the chips are stacked against me.

Lord, please forgive me if all of the is caused by something I did or didn’t do. If you were to speak to me I would listen. If you were to tell me what to do, I’d do it. I just want to be a good mother and friend. I won’t mess up again if you would just…you know…guide me. I don’t know what to do.

My most powerful hope is to be a woman that my boys can respect and admire in turn allowing them to respect and admire other women.

I feel like I’m under a microscope when it comes to my sons. I’m always afraid to make the wrong move and ultimately mess up their personalities in the future. I know so many men who hate their mothers and can’t form healthy relationships with women.

I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time with my sons. Things are more difficult because I don’t have anyone to share in the decision making. It would be great if I had someone to ease some of the pressure or to affirm me, but…I’ll deal with what I have for now. I tell ya, a little affirmation could go a long way.

Now I see why good fathers remind their children to thank their mother for everything. ~smile~ We NEED to hear it.

Timely Word of Encouragement

This is an email forward that I actually took time to read. And I’m glad I did. -Ms. Tee

Thank God For Closed Doors

We need to learn to thank the Lord for closed doors as we do an open door. The reason God closes doors is because He has not prepared anything over there for us.

If he didn’t close the wrong door we would never find our way to the right door. Even when we don’t realize it, God directs our paths through the closing and opening of doors. When one door closes, it forces us to change our course. Another door closes, it forces us to change our course yet again. Then finally, we find the open door and walk right into our blessing. But instead of praising God for the closed door (which kept us out of trouble), we get upset because we “judge by the appearances.” And in our own arrogance, or unawareness, we insist that we know what is right.

We have a very present help in the time of need who is always standing guard. Because He walks ahead of us, He can see trouble down the road and HE sets up roadblocks and detours accordingly. But through our lack of wisdom we try to tear down the roadblocks or push aside the detour signs. Then the minute we get into trouble, we start crying, “Lord how could this happen to me?”

We have got to Realize that the closed door was a blessing. Didn’t He say that “No good thing will He withhold from them that love him?”

If you get terminated from your job – don’t be down, instead thank God for the new opportunities that will manifest themselves – it might be a better job, or an opportunity to go to school. If that man or woman won’t return your call – it might not be them, it might be the Lord setting up a road block! (just let it go).

I’m so grateful, for the many times God has closed doors to me, just to open them in the most unexpected places.

“The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way.” – Psalm 37:23. The Mountaintop is glorious, but it is in the Valley that I will grow!

Have a wonderfully blessed weekend.

I Remain,

Sheilah

Hoping Maybe You Will Be There

I had a dream last night that was breath taking.

After not being able to sleep the entire night, I actually saw the sun rise. I turned off the TV and covered my face with the blanket. I had spent the entire night crying and worrying about if I was going to die because of whatever is going on with my body and my recent hopelessness concerning my situation.

Before I knew it, I guess I was dreaming because I was walking through the halls of this elementary/high school. The halls were very narrow and I kept bumping into people but they all gave me annoyed looks as if it were my fault. Everytime I tried to speak to someone to ask them where I should go, they gave me this look that said, “We don’t want you here.”

I remember seeing myself in a mirror. I looked like me except I had a long, long Rapunzel type ponytail. It was jetblack. I passed a group of men and as men do, they started cat calling and one even grabbed me. I jerked away and screamed at him, “If you ever do that again I will f— you up!”

As I walked on and tried to smile at people, they all turned away from me. Eventually, no one would even look me in my face. At one point as I tried to walk through a field in the school, one girl ran the other way rather than walk next to me. I decided to leave the school and go home but someone stopped me and asked me for a pass.

“I don’t work here,” I replied and kept strolling.

Another woman stopped me and rolled her eyes. “Ms. Tee, you don’t work here? Yes you do. You are our intern.” She rushed away as if I disgusted her.

I kept on trucking home but before I could navigate the maze of the school I saw my bestfriends Tamara and Anna in the parking lot. They were both laughing and crying. They were wearing graduation gowns and caps and when I looked down, I was wearing one too.

Tamara’s family was there laughing with her and she called me over to take a picture. I did. Anna did the same then told me she had to run to meet her boyfriend.

I realized that no one was there with me to take pictures so I decided to walk home. Tamara stopped me and came over to hug me and my ponytail began to unravel. Row after row of fake hair fell from my head and I asked Tamara to help me fix it.

“Just wear your own hair,” she suggested. “Brush it.”

I took a brush and brushed out my own hair, which was very curly, into a chin length bob. Everyone looked at me and smiled. Then I walked away, trying to go home.

I passed by a bank and there were people standing in the parking lot. At first glance I didn’t think I knew any of them but then I saw him: T from my old church in Gainesville. He was standing behind a video camera and setting it up to record himself.

As I watched him, he ran over to his wife and hugged her. They were joined by a little girl and an even smaller little girl with lots of curly hair. Then T started to cry and praise God. His wife kneeled on the ground and cried too.

He looked over at me and saw me. He pointed to me and came over to me crying. “This is what God can do, Tee! This is what God gave me! A family! I thought I had a family before Tee but THIS is a REAL family! They love me Tee! They are flesh of my flesh! God is gooood! This is what God can do! He can give you a family!”

He continued to praise God as I caught his wife’s eye. She was crying uncontrollably and holding both of her beautiful daughters. She looked over at me and as if I could read her mind I mouthed the words, “I’m okay.”

She and I have a history together. We were both single mothers back in college and she was very sweet to me until a manipulative woman came into our lives and caused craziness to ensue. But even after that, we were cool. She eventually married T and her daughter became his. I often wonder how they are doing and from the looks of things they are prospering.

I knew she was worried about me. I knew she wondered if I was okay that I was the last single mom standing. “I’m okay,” I mouthed again as T continued to praise God for his wife and daughters.

I kneeled down and began to cry. Not regular tears. Soul wrenching tears from deep within my gut that moved my entire body and arrested my breathing. I watched him praising God for his family and I cried and cried, kneeling on the pavement. I couldn’t breathe.

When I thought my heart couldn’t take it anymore, a voice said, “That’s okay. You will win too.” Suddenly a limo appeared and I took a look at it as it stopped in front of me.

That’s all I saw before my eyes went black and I woke up gasping for air. I ran into the kitchen and grabbed my inhaler and took a breath.

I took another one.

As my lungs opened the tears began to fall. I cried for their happiness and my loneliness. I cried for Tamara and her unconditional love for me. I cried because I never seem to fit in. I cried because the promise of success seems so far away.

Then I did the only thing I could do to make the pain go away. I made myself a cup of tea and I sat down to write…

Tell, Tell Signs

When I first moved to Miami I worked for the historically Black newspaper here and I enjoyed my few months of service. Up until the very end I dealt with a lot of issues but for the most part I loved waking up and going to work.

Recently, a report was published in another newspaper updating the community on the progress of the paper. If you didn’t believe me when I told my stories about the uh…”unique” leadership style of the publisher, maybe you will believe the countless others who contributed to this investigative report.

Changing Times
For more than 80 years the Miami Times has been the voice of the black community, but fewer and fewer people are listening….

If you don’t remember the events surrounding my exit from the paper, I have reposted the story to remind you.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

I think it’s time to let you all know what’s been going on with me. I’ve been going through a rough patch, yes, I know I told you all before. But it’s a little more rough than you would expect.About two weeks ago I was working hard, planning my job fair for the newspaper. We have a large turnover because of “personality conflicts” with the management. I usually work about 50 hours a week, but that week I worked over 60 hours because I wanted my event to be on point, just like I want everything that I am involved with to be.

The day for the job fair came and just as I imagined everything went extremely well. I was so proud of myself and the staff and everyone was pleased with how smoothly things ran. I hosted the event and when it was all done all I wanted to do was sleep.

My publisher called me into her office and congralulated me on my event. She slipped me a $100 bill and told me to get myself something nice. She also told me that she would be treating the entire staff to dinner that evening at Houston’s (a nice restaurant on the water) to celebrate our success.I was extremely pleased that my work was recognized but I was really looking forward to my paycheck the next day when my publisher, who had promised me a raise said that she would “surprise me” and give me just what I deserved.

The next day I worked hard, filling in for our missing receptionist as well as handling my own workload. At the end of the day when my paycheck was handed to me I was shocked. My publisher had set my salary at $21K a year.My eyes began to blur. $21K.

Didn’t I work my butt off for two months for this raise? I hadn’t even seen my sons for 3 days straight because I was working overtime for the paper. Don’t I operate in the most professional of work manner, motivating those around me to excel? Didn’t my hard work and dedication mean anything to her?I guess not. I guess she didn’t really care when I told her that I don’t get support from my children’s father for living expenses. There’s no way anyone can live decently in Miami on $21K with two kids. Am I destined to live the same life I grew up in? Will my kids have to grow up in the projects like I did, dodging bullets on the way from school?

I waited until the boys had eaten dinner to give her a call at home. She had given me her phone number and told me to call if I ever needed to talk.

“Hello. Did I call you at a bad time?”
“No. What’s up?”
“I just want to know if you have been dissappointed with my work. Am I not performing up to your expectations?”
“Why are you asking me this?”
“Because I just got my paycheck and you said you would surprise me, but I wasn’t expecting this. I can’t live on this pay?”
“Well, you know what? You just got here and I can’t be paying you all kinds of money like that. Besides, I just gave you a hundred dollars in your hand! If that’s not enough for you then you have to do what you have to do! You’re very aggressive and sometime’s that a good thing, but right now you’re going overboard! And you know what if you want more, you can just kiss my ass!”

She hangs up.I sit there stunned, looking at the phone in my hand.

Kiss my ass.

Kiss my ass.

I pour out my heart for you. I implement structure into your business and take on so many different jobs, just because you promised me i would get what I deserved. I work so many hours to make you look professional and you pay me a slave wage and tell me to kiss your ass.

It took me the whole weekend to decide what I was going to do.On Monday I called in sick. My lil sister said that was a punk move. But I had a plan. I faxed my resume out to everyone I could think of and went and re-visited those companies that I had made contacts with before to give them an updated copy of my resume. Which, by the way, is OFF-THE-CHAIN with all of the experience that I gained working at the newspaper. My stock has gone up.

By Tuesday I called in again, because I had already set up three interviews for the week.I went back to work on Wednesday morning. I was nervous. I hate negative confrontations. But I smiled and went to my office. I blinked twice. Someone had been rifling through all of my files and my computer’s hard drive had been completely torn out. What the…?

The publisher was not in yet, so I asked the office manager what had happened and she said she didn’t know. I reminded her that I had an orientation to give that morning to a new employee and she told me to just recreate the information on another computer. What?

I got through the orientation as best as I could without my files that were stored on my computer. I was handling personnel all by myself until I could find a decent assistant. After I set the new employee up at her station I went to my office and sat down, wondering what I was going to do without my computer, which I called The Lifeline. All of my projects were stored on there.

The office manager came back to my office and asked me to hurry up and go through the fat stack of applicants from the job fair and decide who I wanted to call back. I had to finish grading the tests from all of the applicants and then sort through them to refer the outstanding applicants to the publisher.

THEN, she wanted me to draft a letter to all of the applicants thanking them for coming to our fair. I told her that I had already written the letter and if they had not taken apart my computer, then they would have it. She just told me to write it over again and to hurry up because I had receptionist duties for five hours that day. What the…?

I walked outside. I called Mimi from my cell phone and I talked to her for a minute. As usual she didn’t tell me what to do. She just told me that I had to stick by whatever decision I made and roll on.I hung up with her, took a deep breath and walked back inside. I could not give one more minute of my professionalism to such an organization that does not care about me, my family or my hard work.

I asked for a resignation form, filled it out and left.

I cried in the car on the way home. How could I tell my mama that I had quit my job? I have two kids. I felt like a loser.

I couldn’t help but wonder how all this could happen. I did the right thing. I served the Lord. I worked hard to excel beyond my company’s expectations because I loved working hard. If I did the right thing all this time, how could I be so unnappreciated and disrespected?

Maybe there is just something about me. Maybe this whole dream of changing the world and uplifting millions will remain that, just a dream. Maybe I just suck.

After my pity party, I got up and went at it, applying for jobs non-stop. I’m not completely broke but I’m almost there. My kids won’t go hungry though. We’ll be alright.

Some people say my standards are too high. They say my expectations are off base. But I know what I am worth and I know it is NOT $21K. I am valuable. I am ambitious. I can do anything and I can make any company better just by my presence.Someone will be lucky to have me.

Until I find that place. I’m sitting here. Unemployed. Living with my mama. With my two kids.~sigh.

Ya’ll know what? I am scared.

But I know me. And I have faith. And I have skills.

Like I said before. Adversity propels you to make a decision. You can sit there in misery because you don’t think you deserve better, or you can take a chance and go for what you deserve. I choose not to wonder what would have happened if I had given my all.

I’m going to go for mine right now.

Let’s see what happens.

No one ever got what where they wanted to be without taking a risk.

Love,Ms. Tee

Kim’s Blessed Life

This past weekend my friend Kim came into town. She called me on Thursday saying that she was driving down from Atlanta because her mother was in the hospital with heart problems.

“Girl, your Mama got heartburn. Ain’t nothing wrong with her. She’ll be out of the hospital in a day. You’ll see.”

Kim laughed and made plans to make her way down here with a brief stop in Gainesville to pick up her Grandmother. Now Kim has been going through financial hardships ever since the month of July reared its head, but her hardships were a bit different from mine or Brenda’s although you couldn’t tell by the way she was freaking out.

On more than one occasion I had to remind her, “Kim, your bills are paid. You just moved out of that expensive apartment as you make your transition back to Chicago and although you don’t have an abundance, your needs are met. You still get your hair done every week and your Beemer is nice and shiny.”

“I know Dawg, I just…I just need a miracle. The Lord is on His way, I know it. I need to take this evening and spend time with my Daddy because I need a breakthrough and I know He can deliver.”

“Aiight Dawg, do your thang.”

Kim managed to make it all the way from Georgia to Miami without telling her Grandma that she was almost broke and when she got here she immediately got her hair done and thought about her situation. “Who can I call?” she asked herself. She needed a few coins to survive this trip. “I know, I’ll call my Daddy.”

After Kim spent time with her Daddy she called me to tell me all about it.
“Girrrrllll….We had such a wonderful time. I spent practically the whole day with my Daddy and we hadn’t done that since I was a little girl. We went downtown and did a little shopping and he shocked me by doing what he always did when we used to hang out, he took me to the Catholic church and prayed to Mary. It was so wonderful being with him again. He held my hand as we walked down the street. He spoke to me so lovingly and it was as if I was his princess and he wanted to show me off to everyone he knew,”

“Wow,” I remarked. “Go on.”

“Girl, I believe God sent him this weekend to show me how a woman is supposed to be treated. And I think God wanted to remind me that even though my earthly father treats me like a jewel, He loves me even more and can do so much better. Girl, you know I don’t agree with a lot of the decisions that my parents made over the years and all but…I am grateful that they treat me like they do. They always speak to me with the utmost respect and encouragement. It’s as if they admire me and they NEVER talk down to me. Some people never experience that.”

As I sat there listening I began to think about my own experience with my parents and then my thoughts turned to my friends who treat me in the same way. I’m grateful for that.

Being the moody, anti social person that I am, I encouraged Kim to make sure she saw all of her family and not to worry about seeing me since we speak to each other many times during the day.

On Sunday night I needed to ask her a question so I got in touch with her late and she said, “Good, I’m glad you’re still up. I’m coming over.”

Damn.

~smile~

I wasn’t really in the mood to entertain anyone but hey..it’s my girl, I can’t turn her away.

Kim came through and as usual we sat and discussed our current situations and reflected on how God brought us through in the past. Before I knew it I grabbed her and we sat in my room and had fun discussing our hopes for the listeners of my fledgling podcast.

I watched her drive away in her brand new Beemer and I couldn’t help but cry. MsKima, the princess always gets what she wants. It’s as if she’s God’s princess too. She has her heart set on moving back to Chicago and even though her finances are in ruins due to heavy taxing of her supposedly “free” classes as she pursues her MBA, Kim knows she will have the desires of her heart.

By the time she made it back to Atlanta she could barely contain herself, calling me telling me that her miracle has come.

“Hollup,” I say and wrap myself in my blanket as I sit cross legged on the couch. “Ok, go.”

“Girlll….when I got back to Atlanta, my uncle reminded me that there was a letter for me. I opened it and girl it was a check.. Guess how much it was for?”

“Girl…How much?”

“Girl.. the check was for over $2500!”

I went numb.

“Stop playin…”

“I’m not playin girl… And guess what? I’m going to use that money to move back to Chicago. I’m not gonna waste a penny of it on anything else. God is good!”

The thing I love most about my interactions with Kimberly is the fact that she expects nothing less than the best from anyone around her and she settles for nothing less than the best from life.

I admire that quality and I wish I could become like that too. Maybe if I continue to surround myself with upstanding people who are handling business and prospering…some of that will rub off on me!

CONGRATS KIM!