Early Day Off
I left work early today.
I was light headed, nauseas and going through some type of anxiety attack, I guess. I almost started crying right then and there but I managed to choke it back until I pulled into traffic. I know I must have looked like an ugly monkey sitting up there huffing and puffing in my car, crying like I just got a spanking.
I needed that cry.
I’m such a whiny baby.
Geesh! Sometimes I can’t stand myself.
I won’t reveal the #1 reason why I was crying but the #2 reason was MONEY and the #3 reason was WORK.
Then as I drove home crying into my cell phone as Kim listened, she called me out and I nearly had to pull over when she pointed out that I’m probably a little jealous.
FREAK! I HATE when this happens. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have been jealous of someone so when it hits it hits HARDCORE.
Yesterday I was reading Fran’s blog and I took a look at her blog roll. Directly above my name was the name of a chick that I know from college. You may remember her. I describe her as “the white me” “the chick I can’t stand but can’t stop loving” and “that crazy ass white girl”.
Every once I in a while I hop over to her spot and check up on her but yesterday what I read caused so much pain in my heart.
Yeah, she’s fine. She’s doing VERY well. She is pregnant with her third child, just moved up to one of the Carolina’s, doesn’t WORK and is enjoying a career as a freelance writer with her own column in the newspaper and a cushy stable gig with a well known Christian magazine.
~smile~
Can I push that bitch down?
~rolls eyes~
Naw, she’s not a bitch, I’m just salty as hell. And man, I’m tired of the hustle. Imagine me, laid up in the house writing while my kids go to school. All I have to do is clean up and cook dinner. Hell, I do that already. If I had the luxury of being supported financially like she is, man, I’d have written a thousand books already. ~sigh~
Hey, let me have my moment of petty jealousy.
In the end I know I’m Ms. Tee, I can not lose. I can not dim the bright light within me if I tried. I am unique in a way that makes others laugh. I’m me. Sometimes a jealous chick, but mostly eager to get my own thang going. I wish that chick the best. After a life like hers, she deserves all of the goodness that God can pour out. Her testimony is a perfect example of how good God is.
Yes, He definitely answers prayers. Once upon a time I prayed, “Lord, PUHLEEASE give me a job where I can write!”
Tonight I just realized that I write ALL DAY.
As soon as I wake up in the morning I write my daily inspirational word. Then I go to work and I WRITE ALL DAY, then I come home and write on my blog and THEN I work on whatever writing project that is on the table.
I think I’m all drained out. I sat at work today for hours with this block. I didn’t know what to say. Last week I turned in another press release and to my surprise it was actually approved! I was hoping for some direction and honestly I thought it was crap and I would never allow my name to be attached to crap like that but if they like it, what can I do?
Ah well… remember a guy I mentioned and called him Dude? Back when I first introduced ‘B’ the most wonderful man I’ve ever e-mailed. LOL! ~shakes head~ I still can’t believe ‘B’ has not called me YET. It’s become quite funny that we email all day and text message sometimes at night but I don’t quite remember what he looks like and I don’t know the sound of his voice.
We may as well have met online!
Anyway, Dude was the sidebar in that story. I admitted that yes I liked him but he reminded me so much of my children’s father and it was causing me some heart ache.
Man, I can’t help it, I just like cool ass dudes. Dudes that smoke and drink a lil. Dudes that love Hip Hop like they would die without it. Dudes that ain’t really all that “cute” but are more handsome because they have manly features instead of girly ones. Dudes that don’t take No for an answer. Dudes with a little beer belly covered up by a white tee. Arrogant dudes that think they are the center of the world. Dudes that are sooo black that we look like we got jungle fever. Dudes that expect nothing less than millionaire status and aren’t afraid to go GET IT!
~sigh~ This dude is sooo my type! So much my type that I knew from the beginning it wasn’t going to work because the guys who are “my type” are insensitive assholes who just want a warm hole to crawl into when they aren’t busy hanging with their friends.
I honestly think Dude looks at me in the same way and he has already said something hurtful to me. Up until he said that I really liked him. I imagined us chilling for years and eventually just being together because we were comfortable with each other. Yes, there was lots of chemistry but I’ve been told I move too fast and I don’t play enough games with men.
I try to play games but that feels so dishonest. I hate it. Why do I have to pretend I don’t like you to keep you interested in me?
Anyway, if the game must be played it won’t be played by me. I’m not stranger to being alone. It’s normal to me. Dude could be good for right now but that’s not what I’m looking for. I think we could have had more but…being a rational woman who LEARNS from her mistakes. It’ll be a BIG mistake to continue to play around with him eventually getting all emotional over a man who doesn’t see my value.
See!
That’s why Kanye is my man. He never leaves me. He is always there when I close my eyes. He even tells me, “You’re gonna touch the SKY BABYGIRL!” A very encouraging friend.
Just what I need until I bump into Mr. Right.
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