Month: June 2004

Still adjusting.

It’s taking me a minute to adjust to being back home with my parents. It’s quite a difference since I have had my own place for the past 6 years but there’s no way that I would go back to Gainesville though I do miss my apartment. It was roomy, quiet and the AC was so cool. I miss that the most, it’s so hot down here.

I also miss having my sons on a bedtime schedule. They are still awake and it’s almost 10pm, it wouldnt have happened if we were in my old apt. By 8pm they were in the bed, lights off and falling asleep. Here, there are lots of other people in the house which distracts them and my Mama is so sensitive to their crying that she always checks up on them whereas I would let them cry and whine themselves to sleep.

This weekend was very chill. Although a lot of my friends were in town I didnt go out at all. I haven’t been feeling well. Headaches, toothe aches, tummy aches and my side even aches. I know I need to see a doctor, I rarely ever do that because I’m so busy taking time off to take my sons that I don’t want to waste time for myself. In fact, I havent been to the doctor for myself since I had my son nearly two years ago. Dang.

I can’t go to the doctor now. I have no insurance. So, if things get really bad I’ll have to figure something out.

My friends got on my nerves this weekend. It’s like they don’t respect me when I say No. And it’s not like I am a wimpy person, I say no with authority, but somehow they feel like if they argue with me enough I will give in. It just makes me more obstinate about whatever they are requesting and I’m more likely to get upset if they don’t leave me alone.

I told them that I wasn’t going to South Beach with them because a) I don’t have anything to wear. b) I don’t have any money. c) I’m not feeling well. But they all gang up on me, fussing at me cuz they want me to go. I’m like, “Ya’ll betta watch it.”

My Mama even joined in the fun when I got home. She says I need to go out more and enjoy life. She is complaining that i don’t go out enough. Man, it’s all about perception. I’m not a club person. I don’t hang out with just anyone and everyone, I’m very selective. I don’t date either so it’s not like I am going to be hanging out with guys. I like to write and hang out one on one with my closest girls. A fun time for me is a trip to the bookstore to read. And when my kids are gone away from the house, I like to be home enjoying the peace and quiet.

Just because my concept of fun doesnt line up with yours doesnt mean I am not enjoying myself. It’s not like I ever complain to anyone that I am bored, but I guess when they see me just sitting up in the house writing they think I’m acting like an old lady.

Sometimes I feel like an old lady though I’m only 24. Two kids will make you grow up fast and going out and meeting guys or hanging out to a club or a bar seems childish to me.

I’m still dealing with breaking away from my church in Gainesville. Before I felt as though by being there I could not miss God’s best for my life as long as I did everything my Pastors told me to do. So leaving there was like walking away from the safety of being under their guidance. I know that God will not forsake me and even though I may be struggling a bit right now I don’t regret leaving at all.

There’s nothing like being able to drive over to Anna’s house for a quick visit. I can call Marsha up to have breakfast or I can chill with Racole on the phone for hours for FREE.

I’m also looking to join a young professional’s society. I need to meet more people who are headed in the same direction as I am. Let me check around to see where I can fit in.

Toodles.

How you gonna get FIRED on your day off?!

No, this isn’t Craig from the movie Friday, my lil sister went into work today on her day off, (trying to get some overtime) when she was promptly fired and escorted off the premises. Some young guy on her job had reported that she was harassing him.

What the ???

In other News, Ruby and Mac met for the first time this weekend and sparks flew all over ATL. They claim to be just friends but you know what happens when two attractive eligible, successful singles who are already vibing get together? I hope it’s a love match.

I still love my job. Actually, it’s more of an appreciation. They leave me the hell alone and I get to handle a lot of my own personal business while I am there. (I still get my work done though.) Right now I am searching to connect with people who are trying to make a difference in the community. I’m looking for a mentor on several different levels and I’m not above calling people I see on TV or read about in the newspapers to find one.

I’ve done it before and most people in the public eye are eager to help. Most of them, not all. In fact, I wrote one columnist from the Miami Herald today and to my surprise she gave me her home phone number and told me to call her and she would try her best to help me get connected. I’m so excited! I’m going to call the TV stations next. I’ve already tried the BIG magazines but they won’t return my calls, oh well.

My cousin Nikeya called me tonight. She fussed me out for not calling her and telling her that I moved back and she wants me to come over to let our kids play together. That’s so great! That’s what I always wanted, Mothers to hang out with while our kids played together. And EVERYONE in Miami has kids. So, I don’t stand out as much and everyone wants to get together and do fun stuff with the kids.

Man, I gotta go. My mama is talking me to death and I can barely concentrate on what I’m writing. She’s just walking around the house in her night clothes, sipping on a Budweiser and talking, talking, talking.

Yawn~ It’s nice to be home but sometimes I wish I had a universal mute button.

Cheers!

Man!

I had written a really juicy story for all of you but Anna made me take it off because she said it was too revealing. It didn’t involve me, it involved my other bestfriend Tamara and a celebrity she met this past weekend on South Beach.

I really wish I could post it but it’s not right for the game.

I asked Anna, “What am I supposed to put on my blog now?” And she says, “Remember my funny quote from earlier this evening?”

Oh yeah: I was talking to Anna over the phone about the fact that I am going to be 25 in exactly one month. I was very emotional and almost crying when she said, “Girl, you know when you can’t have sex all you have to do is get a q-tip and clean your ear, it’s almost as good as an orgasm.”

My emotions dried up immediately.

Why is Anna such a weirdo?

What can I say? Everyone I know reads this blog therefore when I talk on the phone I really don’t have any new stories to tell. But since you all come here so often I’ll be sure to keep you updated and when you call me, just don’t expect any new stories cuz the blog gets them first.

So today I’m at work when I have a meeting with my publisher and she outlines her vision for my position. Officially I didnt even have a title or job description but she told me she wanted me to “Work with her” until she figured out what to do with me, so I was there, outside her office, handling whatever she asked me to do.

So today, she calls me in and gives me a job title: Publsiher’s Assistant. I was confused, I already thought that was what I was but I shrugged and said OK. She told me I didnt understand. She said there is a difference between being her administrative assistant and a publisher’s assistant. As a publisher’s assistant I am all about the newspaper and improving it in all areas. She said that she hopes that I wll learn every part of the business, from editorial to production to payroll to customer service so that I can help things run a little more smoothly.

I was kinda excited but in the back of my mind I’m thinking, “For $2 an hour?” Which is my exaggerated way of saying that I’m not making enough money. But you know, I love being there. I love every assignment she has given me and I love the fact that she listens to my ideas and values what I say. I can tell that a lot of the vision that is in my heart, she will let me run with.

It’s a good place to be in you guys. In fact, She loves my enthusiasm and put me in charge of developing her sales team. She passed me some resumes and told me to build my own sales team with the people that I want. I have a few ideas.

But, I got a call today from a business that I had been courting since I was in Gainesville. It’s a black owned marketing and PR firm that has won several national and local awards for helping small businesses grow and developing economic programs for underpriveleged neighborhoods. And the best thing is; the president is a BLACK WOMAN.

I spoke with her when I was in Gainesville. She was very sweet. At the time I didnt realize I was speaking with the the President so I was really cool with her and spoke about my talents as a communications specialist. She wants me to come in next week for an interview.

Ofcourse I’m going and I won’t stress until she offers me a job, but should I turn down the job at the newspaper who allows me so much ability to excercise my leadership abilities for a job that pays a lot more?

Economic development? Am I really interested in that? But will there be more to learn there? She is a well connected woman. Maybe I will have a lot to learn from her about business. I dont know anything about that really. And since I plan to do the things I plan to do, it may be a good opportunity to learn on my own instead of just paying someone else and trusting them handle my business the right way.

I’ll just go meet with them and see.

In other NEWS:

Ya’ll know I am going to be a motivational speaker right? Well, two years ago I got two offers to speak at conferences in Gainesville but God literally told me NO. I cried but was obedient and canceled. They both understood, one was for a church youth group and one was at an organization conference.

I feel like God told me to wait until after I finished with school to begin my career. Well, I’m finished with school. I have my first speaking engagement next Wednesday at a 5th grade graduation! LOL I know, it’s a start right.

Now I have to get my mind right and figure out what soon to be middle schoolers need to hear.

Check out RUBY’S BLOG. She had an exciting day too.

Laters.

It’s sad to admit but it’s true.

I dont trust men.

It’s safe to say that over 98% of my relationships with men have left a negative impact on my life. And I think I’m being generous with the 2% I’m sure it’s probably less.

What makes men so greedy, coochie hungry and shady? Whenever I think about talking to a man it makes my stomache hurt. I am very bitter about my experiences and I expect them to want to f*&# me, hurt me or take advantage of me.

If I knew how to fix my own car, I would NEVER have to take my car to a man. If I could make babies on my own, I would never desire to get married. Everytime a man offers to “help” me, I get this sick feeling knowing that he is truly trying to help himself to whatever he can get from me.

I really hate that I feel this way but I do. Most men are out for their own pleasure and their own gain.

All we women want is to be protected and taken care of. We want to feel valued and appreciated. We look to our fathers who aren’t around. We look to our boyfriends who leave us and we look to our male friends who are so busy dogging other women right in front of us that we learn the “game” they play and no longer trust the men who pursue us.

I dont want to be a man hater, but the men in my life are making me this way. I don’t want my sons to turn into the type of men that I have encountered.

I’m very sad and very hurt.

On my lunchbreak Friday I picked up my friend Lem and took him with me to go confront this man who was trying to cheat me out of my money for repairs on my car.

Remember that Galant I told you about that was waiting for me here? I don’t even have it anymore, the guy who sold it to me refused to fix it so he gave me my money back. So now I don’t have a car since I gave my old car to my little sister. She is letting me drive it while I look for another one.

So this guy named Tony owed me some money and he was trying to put me off but I went up to his shop to get my money. I told Lem to wait in the car and I would handle it. When I saw Tony I walked up to him with my most ghetto face on and he greeted me like I was a fly on his sandwhich.

“Yeah?” he said.

“I came to get my money.” I told him unafraid of his six foot, three inch frame.

“How much do I owe you?”

“You know how much you owe me,” I said staring up into his face with my hands on my hips.

“I thought the other guy was gonna give you half and I was gonna give you half?”

“You thought wrong. You know you owe me that money.”

He walked away from me and I followed him foot to foot into the breakroom.

He then pulled out two huge wads of cash and began peeling off bills, counting out my money. He must have had a few thousand on him and he was trying to tell me that he didn’t have my money. What a liar!

I grabbed my money off the table and went back to the car and left. I still had some time before my lunchbreak was over and we were not too far from my old highschool so I asked Lem to take me to get a pan con bistec, which is a type of Spanish steak sandwhich. We drove through the neighborhood that surrounds my old highschool and I was flooded with good memories of times when I would spend my lunchbreaks on the bus stop or at the neighborhood library.

My highschool is located in a Dominican neighborhood. All of the stores around there have some reference to the country in their names and every sign on every store is in Spanish. I smiled, remembering that one of the deciding factors for choosing that highschool instead of going to the one in my own neighborhood was the Dominican boys.

I remember when I was thirteen. Don’t ask me why I was not in school that day but me and a few friends of mine were riding around with our band director and he took us on a tour of the highschools nearby so we could see the different type of students that were at each school.

We drove by my neighborhood highschool first, Miami Northwestern. Trina went to that school and I think Trick Daddy too. All of the guys had gold teeth and dreads and I never liked guys like that for some reason.

Next we drove by Miami Central and the guys there were more clean cut and pretty nice looking, but not outstanding. Finally we went in the opposite direction down 17th Avenue to Miami Jackson High. The sun beamed a little brighter over this school.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. There they were in all their glory: GEORGEOUS DOMINICAN MEN. Beautiful brown skin, dressed neatly, precise haircuts and when they opened their mouths they were speaking Spanish. I thought I was going to melt.

Around that same time I saw a movie and the two main characters were a guy and a girl in their teens. I don’t remember much about the movie except the guy was Spanish and the girl was white. One day they were sitting together and he leaned in close and began speaking Spanish to her, one word at a time while he kissed her head, her eyes, her neck, her forehead. I didn’t have a clue what he was saying but it made me long to have a Spanish man speak that Spanish love in my ear.

I wanted me one of those. Funny how I never got one. The cute ones must have disappeared when I got there because I didn’t see one that I was attracted to.

Well, besides the first day of school.

On the first day of school I was wondering around by myself. It was a really weird experience because none of my friends had come with me to Jackson so I had to make new ones. When I passed the library a fine Dominican guy walked up to me and looked me over like I was a peach at the grocery store. I felt so uncomfortable and nervous.

“What’s your name?” He asked me.

I told him.

“Are you a freshman?”

“Yes.”

“Ok, here’s my number, call me tonight.” he said and smiled before walking away.

“Dang.” I thought to myself. “Is this how highschool guys try to talk to you?”

I never called him and missed my only chance of talking to a fine Dominican. I couldn’t call, I wasn’t allowed to talk on the phone with boys. Oh well.

I even got a chance to go to the Dominican Republic during my senior year. After being a part of the Dominican Club, a club to celebrate Dominican heritage, I was very much intrigued by the culture. My friends would clown me for joining but I had a lot of fun with them. I learned a lot of Spanish and they taught me how to meringue and bachata. I even danced with them in the Hispanic Heritage Month show.

We stayed in the Dominican Republic for a week and I was in Chico heaven. The first night we were there we went to a Dominican Club with our teacher and I danced with this guy who made me feel like I was a slut the way he danced with me. Those Dominican men are the most erotic dancers in the world. I had to step back and cool down.

That experience in the Dominican Republic was the closest thing that I will ever get to being on The Real World. Cameras followed us everywhere. People recognized us on the streets and asked for our autographs and wanted pictures with us. We weren’t famous, just exchange students. I couldn’t understand what the big deal was.

But you know I soaked it all up. I walked around with a huge smile on my face, twirling in front of the camera and speaking my broken Spanish. They loved me over there!

One of the students that I met while I was there was a guy named Ramon. He kept in touch with me for a year but it was frustrating to talk to him because he only spoke Spanish and I only spoke it a little so when he would call me we couldn’t communicate. I found out that after he graduated he became a radio deejay. I wonder what he’s doing now.

I’m sure one day I’ll go back for a visit and who knows, maybe I’ll meet my husband.

On my way to work this morning I heard this new song that is local to Miami that is called “I hate my baby mama, I hate my baby daddy.” I’m not talking about the song that came out a few years ago, this is a new local song but it basically says the same thing.

Ya’ll know what, it made me cry to listen to this man talk about how he HATES his baby mama. How could you HATE someone who is taking care of your seed? How can you disrespect someone who gave life to your future heir?

How can you sit there and treat everyone else in the world better than you treat the woman who is taking care of your children? When men disrepect the mother of their children it shows me that they have no respect for their own mothers or themselves.

Most children who grow up in fatherless homes turn produce children who will go through the same thing.

I’m trying my best to raise these kids by myself. I don’t ask you for *ish but money for daycare. Don’t throw how much you love your girlfriend up in my face. I dont want to hear that! Nobody don’t want her fat azz but you anyway! Don’t call me names and berate me to make yourself feel better about leaving. I may not be rich. I may make mistakes, but I’m doing my best. That’s all I can do.

I’m sorry for going off like that. I can be a little sensitive yet high strung but for the most part people like being around me.

I havent been feeling well lately. Physically mostly and I dont know what’s up. I feel dizzy a lot and light-headed and like I’m high. Well, not high, but like you used to feel right after you got high, like the next morning. You know that weed headache. That’s how I feel all the time now.

And I’ve been in a very bitter mood concerning men. I want to stab them all. Or maybe just shake them very very hard. I don’t know.

Let me get back to work.

Later,

Tee

I am fascinated by women and the relationships they get into.

It’s amazing how different people’s lives turn out. It’s crazy that most of the women I know are single. So many single men out there. So many single women. Everyone is hollering about how they can’t find anyone decent to be with. These are the stories of a few dating situations of people I know, I won’t name real names, but maybe you can identify with one of them.

Jackie is cool and loose with hers. Everyone enjoys being around her because she always makes the night more fun. She’s had a string of boyfriends, none of them lasting too long and all of them being, “a work in progress” meaning she has to teach them how treat her right. She had to school them on where to take her, how to act and how to set goals for themselves. Jackie is so tired of being every man’s teacher. She wants to meet at least ONE man who has it together.

Candice reminds me of Alicia Keyes. So remarkably pretty yet when she opens her mouth, you’re like, what the… Rugged. Candice has only had a few boyfriends in her lifetime but every last one of them is still in love with her and refers to her as the one who got away. In fact, even though they date other women, they compare every woman to her. She is very frustrated right now because she’s tired of breaking men’s hearts. For some reason men can’t be friends with her, they want to marry her and lock her down, but she’s not ready for that. She just got out of a relationship with a georgeous, sweetheart of a man. I love him, he adores her, but she says she knows he’s not the one. She won’t even entertain any man that approaches her because she says she doesn’t want to deal with him falling in love with her because she’s not ready for that.

Leslie is tall and thin. The type of woman that can wear anything and look good. She makes me so sick! She is in school, has a good job and basically has a good head on her shoulders. I saw her the other night and she said, “I hate men.” Her boyfriend of over a year is behaving questionably and although she has no proof, she hates the fact that she feels she can’t trust him. She also hates the fact that she hasn’t been acting right herself. For the longest she has been in love with another man who belongs to someone else. She doesn’t believe in true love.

Kiah just graduated from college and is considering graduate school. She has been dating off and on but no one serious. She can’t get serious because everytime she is with a man she is secretly longing for her X. No one compares to him. His body, his face, his love. She wanted to be his wife, but he decided he didn’t want that at the last minute and broke off the engagement. She still wants him and she’s considering doing something about it.

Terri is every man’s fantasy. Tall, big booty and educated. She has a boyfriend of almost a year that she is in love with. He’s handsome, wealthy and wants to marry her. The problem is, she hasn’t heard from the Lord concerning him yet. And she doesn’t want to marry this man without God’s blessing. She wishes he was more on fire for God.

Dominique has always been the most popular girl, and when she became a woman she didn’t lose her spark that made people, especially men, flock to her. She dated from time to time, searching for love but never really found it. Men often put her on a pedestal when they met her. Her good looks and charming personality put her in a class by herself. But what most men didn’t realize that although she was amazingly pretty and smart, she was still human and humans aren’t perfect. So when she did something that didn’t line up with this Miss Perfect image that they had of her, they were extremely dissappointed and began to treat her differently. Finally she met a man who is cool enough to hang out with and be a real friend. They started dating and she can’t believe what a wonderful person he is. He holds her in high esteem but still keeps her in check. She loves that. With him she can be funky, funny and free. But in the back of her mind she wonders, “Is this real? Will he walk away like all the others?” And this mindframe causes her to hold back on showing him how much she truly loves him.

When can a woman find love? Will she accept it when it comes or are there hidden hang-ups that cause her to miss out on what she had been hoping for all along?

Man, here goes that headache again.

You know what? I really like my job. No, for real. It’s so creative and free. I am so good at it too. Everyone keeps telling me how difficult it is working for my publisher but I don’t see it. She’s a woman just like anyone else. I think she’s cool and she needs strong people around her.

Funny how I hated my job at the VA and it paid well and I LOVE this job and it doesn’t. ~sigh~ That’s a trip.

It’s another cloudy day here in the MIA. In case you didn’t know, it rains a lot in Miami. I love it. We need the breeze from the rain because it’s so humid down here.

Today I gave my first speech in front of a group of fifth graders and their parents. When I saw the crowd I got so nervous I was shaking. Then the principal of the school came over and shook my hand and I sat down on the stage with all the teachers, right next to the principal. It was so weird being on the stage during the awards ceremony.

I spoke about the pitfalls of middle school and how I want them to develop a vision for themselves and dare to dream beyond Liberty City. I don’t think they were paying attention, but they clapped loudly so I felt better.

Since it was a promotional program, these kids were getting all of these awards and this one girl names Ashlyn got almost every one of them. She was the MC. She was the captain of the cheerleaders. She was the anchor woman of the school’s newsteam, she did a solo dance, she got the citizenship trophy, the reading trophy, the spanish trophy, the art trophy and so many more. It kinda got on my nerves until I remembered that I was that girl a long time ago.

Is that why some of my highschool teachers were annoyed with me- Because I was involved in everything?

As I watched these kids receive their awards and their proud parents whooping it up, I began to imagine my own sons getting awards and me standing there crying while trying to hold the video camera. I then imagined my baby daddy there with his girlfriend and I rolled my eyes and got back to imagining the good part.

Yeah, my sons are gonna be great. And when I have a daughter! OoooH! Watch out world! A little mini-me that looks cute just like me and likes to read just like me and wants to be just like me. ~sigh~ I can’t wait.

I know I have to wait but I want more children so badly. I see pregnant women and I get jealous. I play with my sons and it seems like someone is missing. I know who is missing, their brothers and sisters. I love my sons. They’re a handful but I wouldnt try to push them back in for anything. They’re chocolatey delicious!

I just hope Mr. Golden Boy comes along so that I can give him plenty of babies.

I’m thinking about relationships lately. I don’t know if it’s from melting everytime I read my sister Shay’s blog or if it’s just time to meet my match. I think I just desire companiosnhip. I never let myself dwell on it like this and I’m actually starting to feel ashamed.

I try to disguise my desire to be loved by focusing on my career. I figure the more money I make or the faster I achieve my goals the happier I will be and maybe I’ll be too busy being successful to think about the fact that no man has held me or loved me in a very, very long time.

I know what you’re thinking: TRUST GOD. Yeah, I know Leon. I do. I do. I know He has someone fine and talented and silly for me. It’s just…in the meantime, with all this giving and giving and encouraging others, I wonder when it will be my turn. I think I could handle a little love. I don’t even need a lot. And I don’t need it all the time.

Just a sprinkle would be great though. Sprinkle a little love on me please God.