Month: April 2004

A couple of hours ago I was filled with rage. It seemed like a demon had taken control of me.

I was cursing, screaming and crying and plotting ways to end my life, all because my flesh wanted to be defiant against God’s plan for my life.

I’m not going to Miami and it’s not because my Pastor told me not to go. It’s not because I didn’t get any job offers. I’m not going to Miami because my season here at my church home is not yet complete. God has some major work He wants to do in me. God has been challenging me in the area of loving everyone and I have yet to submit my will to His.

I’m picky about the women I have around me. If you’re not on-point, if you’re not tight, if you dont have a quality that I admire, I turn my nose up at you. I’m very shallow, even though I call myself deep. So God wants me to be healed in this area. He wants me to learn to love everyone no matter what kind of clothes they wear or how their hair looks. He wants me to share the gift of me; my sassiness, my sweetness, my wisdom, my personality with everyone, not just an elect few.

Because I have this passion for inspiring and uplifting women through my writing and my words, I need to learn that there may be some women that I dont find desirable who God wants to use me to reach. If I’m acting all uppity and stank, then they could miss their deliverance and I dont want that on my hands.

So yeah, it hurt when I heard that word from the Lord. When He told me that I needed to stay right here, regardless of my feelings so that He could continue to train me up. No, I’m not excited about yielding to God’s will. Honestly, I just want the tight friends I have and no one else, but God wants me to be a blessing to many more.

If I were to go to Miami right now, It’s not guaranteed that I would fail. I could prosper and be happy but it would never match up with what I could have, who I could touch with my gift of writing and encouraging. I will blessed beyond my wildest imagination if I were to wait until I am shaped into the woman God wants me to be.

Just because there is an open door, doesnt mean you should walk through it. God is not always the one turning the knob, the enemy can turn a knob just as smoothly.

The point is to be where God wants you to be, and to rejoice even when times get rough, just because you are certain you are where you should be. You are in His will, the best place to be.

It’s not magnetic, it’s not majestic, it’s not even exciting, but right now, in this crazy state of feeling alone, missing my friends and wanting more from my career, right now, this is where God wants me to be.

Yeah, it hurts. It hurts so much not to be able to just up and fly away. But I am being purged of everything God doesnt want in me. And when He is satisfied with my progress, I will be a much bigger blessing to my family, to my friends and my children. I just have to hold onto His promise and remember to rejoice because God is pleased with my obedience.

Remember, being in Christ hurts because you are dieing everyday. It’s not about you, it’s about glorifying Him. Your sacrifice and pain will never amount to the tears and blood He shed on the cross. So take it like a soldier and brush the dirt off your shoulders.

Don’t you think for a minute that just because I heard that word I’m joyful about it!

I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I dont want to be up here by myself. I dont want to be alone like this. I dont want to have to beg and form friendships out of obligation. I just want to go home and be a writer and have fun with my friends.

This shit aint easy by a long shot! This hurts so much. Having already been contacted by companies in Miami who want to give me a shot and knowing that is where I want to be, thats messed up. It’s like God is saying, “Na, nani, na, na” You can’t have none of this. You can’t have what you always wanted. You stay your behind right here and do what I say. You be miserable right now cuz that’s where I want you to be. In the long run, it’s for your best.

Well you know what…. wait… I’m shaking over here. I was about to curse God. But my heart is so obedient to His word that I can’t. I have to stay, trembling and hurting, Stay right here.

Damn… I got to stay here.

There has to be some good point to this. God you have to show me a bright spot or I’m gonna go crazy.

I have been submissive. EXTREMELY submissive. I’ve always been that way because I want to find someone who will be satisfied with me. BUT I think that my submission is only to please my Pastors. I worry more about what they will think than I worry about what God will think. It’s become a fact that I don’t fear God’s opinion of me, I fear my Pastor’s. I am out of balance. My submissivness only leads to more criticism and strict guidance. When ppl see I am eager to please, they take the reins and don’t let go.

Youre right I don’t absolutely love everyone in my church. BuT I don’t hate them either. I’m just not interested. I don’t feel bonded. I don’t feel like family like they all say I should. My Pastor says that is a sin. That if I reject them then I reject God. This causes further bondage because I can’t get my feelings to line up with how he wants me to feel. And again I feel like I am disappointing him. I always disappoint him anyway. See, it’s not about what God wants me to do, all I worry about is what my pastor wants me to do, and I feel like I never measure up because he’s constantly challenging me in some area.

I feel so much bondage and hurt when I am there. I don’t know. What does it take for a person to know when it’s time to go? Am I automatically doomed to hell the minute I leave Gainesville? Is my church the only place God can train me up? Will my life be totally ruined because I choose to go and be with my family? I am trusting that I will get a clear word from the Lord. I dont have peace. I want that peace that surpasses…. I want the peace of God and an excitement about staying in His will for my life. I don’t want to cry every 15 minutes like I have been doing since I decided to stay to try to make friends like he wants me to. I don’t want to have to pull over on the side of the road and have to duck into the ladies room because I can’t control my tears.

I’m looking for a peace. I’m looking for a peace. And when I find it, I will know. I am standing firm that God’s will for my life will lead to peace, not bondage and heightened misery like I am shackled.

My sorority sister Shay emailed me today encouraging me to look for the peace of God while I am making my decision on whether or not I should move back home to Miami.

This word brought a peace of its own to my life. Since we know that God is not the author of confusion, anything that comes into our lives to confuse us and steal our peace is not of God.

I guess you’ve noticed by now that I have been in confusion about my relationship with God. I realized today that I have not heard from God, on my own, since I first came to my church almost 2 years ago.

Since i came to my church I have been proclaiming my Pastor’s words and the words of my friend Mimi as God speaking to me. I have become dependant on them to speak to me as God would and I have stopped trusting God to speak to me on my own. I know, that’s sad but today I realized that this was actually God speaking to me. I didnt have to call my friend to have her tell me this, I didnt have to hear from my Pastor.

God wants to speak to me directly. He has done it before and He will do it again if I will trust Him and take the time to listen. I trust God. I trust that He loves me and He promised to be with me until the end, so regardless of the people who say those words but only mean that they will be with me until I stop doing what they want me to do, I know God will never forsake me.

I’m still praying about my choice to move. I have been looking to make a move for a while and now that i have Miami on my heart, there’s nothing wrong with checking it out. So, i’ll send out my resumes and go on some interviews. I trust the Holy Spirit in me to guide me and help me to make a decision that will glorify Him, regardless of everyone’s opinion.

Shay also suggested I listen to Joyce Meyers. If you have never heard her teachings, she is an excellent Bible teacher and encourager. What she taught me tonight is that my joy is a choice. If I am in Christ and I allow my circumstances to steal my joy then I am allowing the enemy to win.

No, I’m not expecting a midnight transformation. I know changing my attitude and comfort level around people took will take some time. But I am open to change.

I’ve changed so much and most people who have known me for years don’t realize it. I am not the same girl I was when I was 19. I am a woman now. I have different attitudes and opinions and I live a totally different lifestyle. But i can’t get mad at them if they expect the same old me.I have to be patient and persistent in showing them the new me.

Yeah, I had some bad habits when I was younger. I couldnt handle stress well so I would go off and have a fit. I would sometimes get depressed and crawl into my little hole and hybernate leaving my friends and family worried.

I am determined to enjoy my life. I am determined to change my attitude about focusing on the things in my life that are bad and focus on the good things.

There ARE good things; my sons, my friends. God has even totally resurrected my relationship with my stepfather and given me love for him. I never thought it would happen but I love him! We went through so much drama and pain but all that is in the past. Once we let that go, we can enjoy each day.

Forget the past. Remembering it and reliving it and reminding yourself of how bad someone hurt you is a bad choice. You can choose to forgive and love. You can choose to accept people as they are, not trying to change them but trusting that God will. You can’t be the source of someone’s salvation. That only comes through Christ. What you can do is love them with everything in you, the way you know how. Don’t feel like your love has to be identical to someone elses.

If it’s not in you to have parties every weekend and cook meals for everyone, then don’t. I bet when someone needs an encouraging word, you’re there, or when someone needs a listening ear, you’re there. That is love too. You dont have to conform to others idea of love. I know I have love in my heart for everyone. I may not show it like some would say I should, but there will never be a person in need around me if there is something I can do to help them.

Be yourself. Enjoy yourself. There’s something about you that people love otherwise they would choose not to be around you. You are a good person, you are worthy. Don’t be afraid to love. Dont be afraid to receive love.

God wants us to have love each other, each in our own way.

Now go and show some love, the best way you know how.

SO I was driving down Archer road yesterday about to make a right turn when I pass this bicyclist on my right hand side. As I put on my blinker I look behind me and notice that he is approaching fast so I slow down, thinking I’ll wait for him to pass. Then I hear, “Ohhhh F*&#$!” as he slams into the rear of my car. It turns out he was behind me instead of on my right.

Thank God he was wearing a helmet because his head hit my rear windshield hard. I stopped my car and got out as he untangled himself from his bike.

“Are you ok?” I ask him.

“Ofcourse not. This is a $5,000 bike!” he replies.

“Dang, you paid $5,000 for a bike? My whole car is only worth $750, probably less now.” I remark staring at the huge dent in the back of my car.

He called the police and we filed a report. I was a little nervous when the officer exited his vehicle. You know, I never had any good experiences with the po-po’s. But this man was short, stocky and very nice to me. He filled out the proper forms, didnt give me a ticket and assured me that it was okay, accidents happen all the time.

Maybe the world IS changing…

It’s FRIDAY! I got the whole weekend to play with my boys and chill out. Life is kinda chill right now.

Peace to everyone who reads this.

Today I was sitting here thinking about my girl Anna and I thought to myself, Anna is the only one of my friends who I argue with, get mad at and have drama with.

I wondered why, then it hit me. We arent just friends, we’re sisters. And sisters know they can’t stand each other most of the time, but have a deep loyalty and love for each other that helps them get over any dispute. So Anna, you’re the chick I love to hate.

And yes, it’s all your fault!

If youre sitting there in a situation that you can not see how God will work things out, and youre trusting Him but you just want to know what He is going to do, be patient let me testify that God will make a way.

Back when I was pregnant with my first son I was in a difficult situation. I had no car, no job, no money and my relationshop with his father had just ended. I was living off of my savings and all of that money was almost gone. I had just gotten saved and I knew that if I trusted Him, He would come through but I just couldnt see how He could make it happen beause everyone I knew was broke and I had no means of supporting myself.

I thought I would be forced to go live at home and quit school because I didnt see any other way, but God had a different plan.

One Friday night I was waiting for my ride to Bible study and I thought to myself, “If I had $1,200 I could pay my bills until the summer and then try to get back in school so i could get financial aid.” This thought was crazy to me since my bank account was on E so i shrugged it off and went to Bible study.

While we were there we talked about being hopeless and wanting to quit. I shared my heart about how hard it had been since I came to Christ and the sisters there listened and sympathized. I didnt tell them about my financial situation but I told them that I knew I wouldnt give up.

After Bible study I was out in the parking lot when a sister came up to me and said, “God laid it on my heart that you need some money. How much do you need?” I rejoiced and said, “Girl, if you have $288 it could pay my portion of my rent for the next month and I would be so happy.”

She leaned close to me and said, “How about $1,000? Will that make a difference?” I fell on the ground crying and thanking God, telling Him that I was not worthy to be taken care of so well.

Before i could even get up, another sister came over to me and pressed a folded piece of paper in my hand. I opened it up and it was a check for $200!

I fell out again and praised God. I had not even told anyone about my financial struggle but God had placed it in these women’s hearts and provided for me. Exactly what I needed, right on time!

Another time during this rough patch when I was pregnant and alone, I was going for days without eating real food because I had no money. I didnt want to tell anyone because I didnt want people to feel sorry for me. So one night, I was home on the phone telling my friend that I was expecting a miracle.

There came a knock at the door and I went to answer it and standing there were two of my sorority sisters with bags and bags full of groceries.

Atlhough my life seemed to be falling apart since I came to Christ, God proved that He was real in my life and He would take care of things. I seemed to be losing everything that I had once held dear, but God was stripping me of those things because He wanted to replace them with the people and hopes that He had for me. I felt like I was losing out, but really I was gaining.

Back then I couldnt see, but now I understand. God will shake your life loose and miraculously bring it back together in His will.

See, even when we think we dont deserve it, God is there. Even when we can’t see how, God is there. If you are considering Him in all of your decisions and plans for the future, God will make a way.

Right now I dont see how God will change my situation. I can see what I want to happen but it will take a miracle to bring it to pass. So, I’m believeing God for a miracle because I know He has done it before.

If God has moved in your life in a an extraordinary way, dont forget about it. Write it down and post it somewhere so that you will be reminded of His faithfulness. Just as He has taken care of you in the past, He will do the same in your future if you are diligently seeking Him.

Be blessed and be at peace. He has got you covered.

When I came away to college I didnt have a good relationship with my family. My mama and my stepfather were always at ends with me. I felt like they hated me, sometimes I felt like I hated them.

Over the course of my extremely long college career i got saved and God began to work in my heart, giving me a heart of forgiveness. I have watched as my mother and I have become closer than we have ever been. My relationship with my stepfather, Allen, has gone from painful and scary to loving and respectful. Regardless of the damage that he has done in my life, I just want to honor him for being faithful in providing for me and my brother and sister.

He is a very hard working man who shows his love through his provision, I never realized that. I was looking for a hug or an encouraging word. When it never came I thought he didnt care, but now I see.

My father, Clarence, was never around when I was growing up. My mother wanted it that way. During the last 17 years I have only seen him twice, once last week when I was in Miami and once 5 years ago. This time when I saw him I felt so many different emotions because I now know that he is not my biological father. I couldnt bring myself to tell him or his mother, my grandma. They still had pictures of me all around their house, they were so glad to see me. I want to have a relationship with him. I want to know him and I want my grandma back.

And the kicker is, when I saw my biological father, Russell, I wasn’t mad anymore. I wasn’t angry at him. I dont know where that came from. I sat in their barber shop and watched my brothers cut hair as he played chess with my uncle Curtis. My brothers are cool. I want to get to know them and their families. I want to show them love. I want the family that I had been missing out on all these years.

Russell’s mom died a few days ago. I never got to meet her because I was acting stubborn. She was my grandmother by blood. I dont want another day to go by without showing love to the people who love me the most. I want to experience the love of family.

I have 3 fathers in Miami that I need to get to know and to show some honor and respect. I never had family before now. I want that. I want to show them all this love that i have inside of me. I always give it to my friends, now it’s my family’s turn.

I went to church this morning, ready for God to knock me down and tell me I had to stay here in Gainesville. I expected Him to do that since I tend to think God’s will for our lives does not line up with our desires. I think that I was wrong. I expected things to suddenly change as soon as I walked into the building, to feel joined in the spirit, to feel like I value the people at my church more than I value my family back home. Well, that’s what my Pastor says should be in my heart.

I expected it to hit me like a bolt of lightening, “Ms. Tee THIS IS YOUR FAMILY” and I was prepared to surrender and be obedient to God’s word. It didnt. Nothing happened.

In fact, my Pastor preached a word about doing what you are anointed to do, and going out in the world to touch the people God wants you to reach.

My passion is in writing and sharing an encouraging word. My heart is in speaking and being transparent enough for the next person to see through me and ultimately see themselves. I want my struggles to be the key to victory for you. I want my tears to be the calming force in your life. I want my joys to elevate your spirit. I am annointed to write, speak and uplift.

And I must go after my dreams.

I was so excited when I read that he won!

Mr. Leonard Pitts, Jr. of the Miami Herald won the 2004 Pulitzer Prize for his commentary.

Wow!

His columns are engaging, thought provoking and REAL. I LOVE his writing! I wish I could meet him and ask him to be my mentor.

Thats what I really need, someone who is successful at what I want to do to train me up. Hmmm….

Check him out, he’s amazing.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE dont get mad at me for hounding you all on long distance job search tips.

You know I’m not above asking questions, in fact I rather enjoy it and I don’t want to give this a half-hearted try so be patient with me.

Ive been on Monster, hotjobs, careerbuilder, southfloridaworkforce, miamidade.gov and so many more places posting my resume its ridiculous. I have gotten some contacts but I need more stability than a sales position would allow although I think I would be great given a product that I actually liked, like media sales. Can’t do the commission thing though.

In my search I found this article about young people in the workforce that I thought was interesting. Read it.

It also led me to another site you may enjoy. Its called Quarterlifecrisis.com Its all about people just like me, finally getting done with school and and looking around thinking, “Is this what I did all that struggling for?”

I know its hard to remember dreaming about the magical day you become a grown-up. We were in such a hurry to grow up and finally be able to do what we wanted to do.

Sigh.

What a surprise…What we want to do has nothing to do with what we are actually doing.

I saw my friends Rick and Mike yesterday, we all met when I was just 18 years old. They both looked great! They are both building their first homes in Jacksonville as a result of successful careers in pharmaceutical sales. Mike is about to turn 27 this summer. When I reminded him of his old age he looked at me and said, “How did this happen?”

I dont know dawg. I dont know. This growing old thing is like a marble on a long, winding staircase, it just wont stop. And all we can do is hold tight and hope the bumps don’t break us.

Stay tuned.