Month: February 2004

Hey!

I got two kids for sale! One crying, whining. One eating, sleeping juicy kid. LOL

My boys are my absolute joy. Even when I have to spank them bottoms I just wanna hug’em and squeeze’em and love’em. They’re sooo cute and juicy. I want to eat them up.

The only time I am annoyed is around 4am when Solomon wakes up and tries to play. I get realy annoyed them because in two hours we have to get up and Im not ready to get up early. Usually he falls back asleep after an hour and Im stuck awake looking at the ceiling. Man…

But there is nothing better than going to pick them up from daycare after work. I fly to go get them and I love it when they run to me when they see me.

My sons are so good I wish I could order some more. I want two more just like’em. Two more juicy, delicious babies. My husband better watch out, whoever he is, cuz Im already plotting to have some more. Two more boys and a girl that will look just like me. That sounds like a plan. I hope he is with it.

Dang this boy wont stop crying…I betta go see what happened.

You know what?

I love my supervisor/doctor/director/boss. Neale is so adorable with his little bow-tie. He’s such a wonderful man of God, and his heart directly reflects our Pastor’s heart. He has changed his priorities and is now a family man who is chasing God’s kingdom instead of wealth and success, he told me that himself.

Sure Im working in research which is not exactly where I thought that Id be. Nor do I find it remotely interesting. Ive been kinda feeling like its my time to serve. To be his assistant and put myself aside. I decided to stop thinking about where I want to be and help my brother out in his time of need. I know it sounds corny but its true. I mean, my job is not horrible, it pays well and my doctor really cares about me. As long as I have a servants heart to do my work with excellence Im sure God will not allow me to miss out on my life’s mission.

After all, seasons are time limited and for this season I choose to put myself aside and be a blessing to someone else. Just being real.

What’s happening to me?

I used to laugh at the old ppl for going to bed at 9:00.

It’s 9:30 and Ive been fighting sleep for 2 hours. Oh no… I must be getting old. I cant hang with the young folks and Im only 24.

I’m out like polka dots and scrunchies.

~zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

You know what?

I cant sleep now. Isnt that funny? I just lied down and started talking with God and I remembered a conversation I had today with Charlene my co-worker. She was telling me that she had never been tested. She had never gone through great drama or trauma in her life. She wondered how heaven could possibly be any better than the life she was living now because she is so happy and complete in Christ.

Then she asked me what struggles I was going through and I was shocked because I couldnt think of anything to tell her about. I realized that TODAY I am completely drama free. As God continues to show me things He needs to improve in my life, I am no longer dwelling on them, allowing them to negate the good He has done in my life. I take it in, ask God to help me in that area and roll on. Im not going to stress anymore. I give it to Him.

So you guys, right now I am filled with joy, joy, joy! And its not because I’m rich, have a nice car or a man, I’m joyful because I am blessed to be drama free and right smack in the middle of God’s will for my life.

You know, I did SOMETHING right. I had to. I’m so blessed right now. I cant believe I came out of all that pain and drama and God has brought me to a place of just being cool with being me, recognizing those things I need to work on and still having joy because I’m depending on Him to get me through them.

The peace of God is so wonderful.

I love you all so much. Thanks for allowing me to share with you in my process.

Mimi’s Getting Married!

Mireille (Mimi) is engaged and I met her fiance for the first time this weekend. I was about to go out to lunch with Bev and Mimi calls and I hear this manly voice in the background. I ask Mimi who that is and she says it is Chris. I laugh and say, “So he is a REAL man!” and she asks me what Im wearing. I reply, “I’m looking too good so you better come with it!” She says she will be over in 10 minutes with Chris.

Perfect timing. My house is clean! LOL. SO I can have surprise company. ~ROFL~

Ya’ll know Im not the neatest person, ok Im pretty messy ad unorganized but thats why I gotta get rich so I can hire maids. ANyway…

Im kinda nervous because now I am about to meet the man that is going to be Mimi’s other half. (I HAVE to ask permission before I share the story of how they got together but BELIEVE ME, you aint ready to hear about this!)

I’m feeling really emotional. Mimi is like my big sister. I love her as much as I love my bestfriends. She is one of my bestfriends. She is amazing. So, Bev arrives and we’re talking about clothes while my heart beats fast because I know that I am about to meet this man who will replace me in Mimi’s life. Ive known for a while that she was going to get married but now its real to me and I struggled with accepting it because I was jealous and I wanted her all to myself.

She knocks on the door and I fling it open and cover my eyes. I can feel him step in and I uncover my eyes and scream.

BROTHA IS SOOO FINE! He is tall with huge muscles and light skinned with green eyes. Mmmmm. Go head sista! I smile at him and I cant say much. Im in shock because this man is going to become my brother. I ask him for a hug and he gives me one and I feel a peace about the whole situation. I ask him, “Do you think you can love Mimi more than I love Mimi?” He looks at Mimi and says, “I think so.” I reply, “Well, I hope so but I dont know about that.”

They leave and me and Bev go out to eat and have a great lunch. WHile I am out with her Im realizing what a cool girl she is and how blessed I am to have such phenomenal friends. Seriously, ALL of the women I hang with are dynamic. If I was man I could pick any one of them to marry and Id be deliriously happy. Cuz they are the marrying type. ALL OF THEM.

I was telling my mama this and she said, “What about crazy Anna?” I said, “Ma, all Anna wants is a family. She may be buck wild but as soon as she gets that man she desires she will be faithful and love him and raise her children and live a good life. I dont see her messing up. It’s what she has always wanted, a man to love her and act right.” I hope that he is saved and can love her with the love of Christ. If that is the foundation of their relationship, then Anna will be crazy in love and happy.

I thought about Jenny V. who I admire so much for being so generous and smart and shes a LAWYER, who wouldnt want her? I thought about Stephanie with her stank attitude. But shes a great homemaker and so doggone classy. I wish I was like her in that aspect. Nadia’s the bomb cuz shes goofy but smart, giving but strong. I would marry her in a minute. And my girl Tamara- man, I dont know what her baby daddy is thinking. He actually thinks he can find someone better than her! yeah right! Actually, I wouldnt marry Tamara, she’s too skinny, but I would fix her up with my brother cuz I know she’d treat him well.

Then I thought to myself, “If I was a man, would I marry myself?” ABSOLUTELY NOT!Why? Cuz Im CRAZY! For real! If you know me you KNOW I’m crazy! I’m emotional. I wouldnt put up with myself for more than a couple months, then Id have to get out of there QUICK!

And thats cool. ~smile~ Cuz my husband will be NOTHING like me. He’ll be georgeous, Im sure, and talented in the arts, but he’ll be the type of man who will grab me up and throw me on the bed and slam the bedroom door!

Singing that song, ‘Come Baby Come’ by whoever those guys were:

I slam the door!

Huhh!

When I come into the bedroom!

Wham! Bam!

Cuz Im the King of the Castle!

Na, na, na!

~Whoooo~ Let me guard my thoughts before I go too far. ~he, he, he~

Calm down girl. Yeah….He’ll know how to handle my emotional trips and ofcourse he’ll love me with the love of God, forgiving me and supporting me while letting me know who is in charge. I need that. ~batting my eyelashes~

Yeahhh righhhhht.. LOL

Will all this REALLY happen? Will I ever meet LLCoolJ? LOL! I wish!

Im happy for Mimi though. I pray for her and I wish her the best in her relationship. Shes my DAWG!

Whoa REALITY hit me today.

Somehow I thought that I was different. I thought I was special. I thought that because I served God and He loved me I wouldnt have to settle or compromise.

Since I started my job I have become increasingly unhappy with it. I guess I never thought that it could be possible that I work hard all these years, struggle through school, finally graduate and then take a job that bores me and makes me uncomfortable.

I pictured myself graduating, and going somewhere cool to write or plan events or do SOMETHING creative. Instead I am here, looking at statistics and filling out forms for who knows what and emailing them all over to who knows who. It’s not difficult. It’s not. Its quite simple. But whatever happened to going after my dreams? Whatever happened to using this gift of writing and motivating to inspire the world?

When I get home Im usually too tired to stay up late and write and I hate to ignore my sons who I havent seen all day just to get my thoughts on paper to help me sort things out.

All day at a job that stifles my spirit, then home to take care of my boys and release my frustration in a bowl of icecream. Then it’s bedtime for all of us. At least when I was in school I had time to relax a bit after I did my schoolwork, or while I was doing it. My fun came from chatting online and writing emails, no big deal, but it was all I had. Now I dont even have the energy to do that anymore.

All my life I watched my stepfather Allen work two jobs to help take care of our family. TWO JOBS for as long as I can remember and he still isnt breaking the poverty level. Is that what life is all about? We rush from one stage to the next, hoping and dreaming that our end will be worth the work and the wait. But we get there. We smile, we stand and wave and receive our applause. We walk out into the sunlight and turn into one of them. We work because we have to. We arent SUPPOSED to enjoy our work, its not a promise. I just realized that.

We raise our standard of living because we make a little more money. Now we’re trapped because we cant quit the job we have now. We’re stuck performing these tasks because we have bills to pay. For most people pleasure doesn’t equal pay. For those who have turned their passion into profit, they had something else to fall back on, or someone to take up the slack while they pursued their dream.

What am I to do? I have two children. I know what i have to do. Work. Just keep going to work until I drop dead.

At least I get to keep writing in this weblog. I guess that’ll have to be enough.

As you can see, I’m stressing today. But I’ll be alright. I always am. Im in Christ.

Helloooooooo! Nice to meet ya!

I had no idea people are actually reading this thing on a daily basis. Hmm…

I guess I would too if I found someone willing to share intimate details of their life with total strangers…but Im nosey. What’s YOUR reason? LOL

As you can READ, I lead a VERY EXCITING LIFE. ~I crack myself up.~

Gotta go to the laundromat. Later.

Well, I spoke to my Pastor today since he just got missing for a few days and Im used to talking to him on the regular.

I asked him what was his prayer over me. Meaning, when he prays for me, how does he pray. He said he prays that I will become joined and jointed to the family of God. I know what he’s saying. Ive been at this church for more than a year and a half and I dont feel what Im supposed to feel. Like, everyone there is big on being a family. They all love each other and it seems like its one big group. I dont know what theyre expecting of me. Today Pastor said that the family that God has joined to me (meaning the people at my church) should be the most important people in the world to me, besides my children.

I don’t know. I kind of feel like they consider my friends that do not go to my church to be sinners or something. Like unless the people I hang out with (like I ever really hang out) go to my church, then I am not “in” yet. He challenged me to ask God to help me surrender and embrace His family. Truthfully, I havent. Im extremely cautious with these people especially since the first relationship I had at church with this white girl was so crazy. I never want to experience anything like that again. EVER!

With white people I believe relationships are seasonal. Ive met some cool white girls in my day but they are only interested while they have something to gain. For example, if we are in a class together or they need you to cover for them at work, or they dont have a man so they want someone to occupy their time. But when that class is over, that job is done, they get a man, they seem to forget who you are. You know what, that hurts. Thats why I dont trust friendships with white people.

There has only been one white guy that I have been friends with and we ended up crossing that friendship line. I was blind because he represented himself as a man of God and I didnt think I could be attracted to him because he was white. I certainly didnt think a white man could be attracted to me. But if you Spend enough time with anyone they’ll start to look good to you. Point is, I dont trust men period with my heart, and I wont give my trust to a man just because he seems harmless anymore.

And I have been praying about embracing the family of God. I just dont see dismissing the people that i already love. These people who have been my family and yes I’m talking about my friends. They have been my family. They have loved on me and met my needs. Why must I dismiss their efforts and love to replace them with a group of people that I dont even know?

There must be something to all of this family stuff though. But right now I feel like I’ll lose more than I gain. I dont understand how God would bring me to this church if He didnt want me to embrace they’re standards of serving Christ. But I’m not feeling it. I love my church. Most of all I love the word. But all this “most important ppl in the world” stuff just doesnt line up for me.

But as you all know, I trust God. Completely. When its time He’ll make a move in my heart. After all I didnt get saved when I wanted to, I got saved when God called me and I didn’t ignore His call. So, it’ll all work out when its time.

Heyy!

Its LOVE DAY and all I can do is smile. My boys woke me up around 7:15 and they’ve been climbing all over me since. ~smile

I try to tell them that I’m not into wrestling and being rough but they dont seem to understand. I guess its just something that is built into them because they dont really have any male influence in their lives besides their father who keeps them overnight once a month.

You know, I have never experienced love like this before. The love I have for my sons. I’m so critical, so demanding so unsatisfied usually, but with them its all good. Even when they throw fits, dont eat their dinner or make me late for appointments I just look at them and smile. Its this peace that surpasses all understanding. They are my little men, my roll dawgs, my partners, my everything. I wouldnt give them up for the world and I would give up the world for them. You wont understand how deep and true love is until you have children of your own. Its amazing and I consider myself blessed and everyone knows I want more children one day. In fact its hard for me to see new mothers at my church without feeling this longing to hold another baby in my arms, my baby.~sigh

on LOVE day, I have to say I love my mother. My mama is a trip and we never had a good relationship until I became a Mom. Actually until I let go and forgave her for my childhood expeiences. All that time I kept reminding her of what went wrong and I wanted her to take responsibility and admit that she had a major part in my low self-esteem and depression. She never did. We would argue as I cried and poured out my heart, hoping she would at least acknowledge my concerns over my past, especially my relationship with her husband which was as damaging to my character as any relationship could be.

But everything changed one day when I was on the phone with her and she said, “Why dont you just stop bringing that stuff up?” I sniffled and realized she was right. by re-hashing that pain I was just reliving it all over again. So I decided that day that I didnt need for her to take responsibilty or apologize, I would forgive. Since then we have not had a major blow out. She still gets on my nerves and I get on hers because I’m sensitive to the things she says and I tend to take something small and run away with it in my imagination. She is a cool person who is finally at a point where she is happy and satisfied and she loves her husband and he loves her. I’m so happy for her.

On LOVE day I cant leave out my Pastor. Pastor is my heart. Since the day I met him I have felt joined to him. When he speaks to me, I am calmed. I have never had a man speak to me with such encouraging words. I have never had am an who didnt criticize me or make me feel bad about myself. Talking with him is so different. He listens to me. He doesnt make me feel like my (MANY) emotions dont matter. When I think about him I want to cry because I love him so much and he doesnt know. I want him to be proud of me and I want to be a blessing to him. I dont think Im there yet but I know he loves me anyway. I appreciate him so much and Im sure he understands.

It’s love day and I love all of ya’ll. Asking God to show me how to love you better.

I believe my entire life is a ministry and it is my pleasure to share my heart, TRULY share my heart, not just the image I want you to see, and for you to receive me, without judgement. You know my heart. You see the good behind the insecurity, the doubts, the hunger for righteousness. I know you feel me. Cuz I feel you.