My life is a miracle.
And I’m creating things in my life everyday. It’s amazing to watch it all happen. The biggest thing I’ve created recently has been my greater sense of self. I’m more aware of what I want and I’m not afraid to express that even if it means saying No to someone else.
I’m not a people pleaser by far, but you can say that I’m a people praiser. I love to be a part of showing someone how special they are, but most times it came at the expense of giving them parts of me (including my time) when I did not really want to give it.
I gave out of obligation thinking, “This will make him happy and it doesn’t really hurt me to do it so…” or “She really wants this so let me go and do it for her”
For the past two weeks I’ve been learning to say NO. I don’t want that. I don’t like this. I’m not interested. It hasn’t been easy.
Selfish maybe?
Yeah you can call me that if you’d like. Mutter it under your breath or scream it out loud because I’m realizing that no one’s opinion or approval really matters.
I realize that I’ve backed off from a few of my friends. Maybe it’s the insecure part of me that knows that they judge me against the standards that they have for their life. Or maybe it’s just the part of me that no longer wishes to explain everything I feel or do or strive for. Whichever it is, I like it.
I like not having to answer the phone and explain what’s going on with me. Ever since I changed my number I’m so relieved…. Seriously. Before I felt like I was obligated to answer, to listen to opinions and to explain why I was making the choices that I was making to anyone who was bold enough to ask.
Now, I don’t.
It feels nice.
I’m loving these past few days actually. I’ve been working on my projects, shuffling the smaller ones along and enjoying the bigger ones. My days are no longer idle and I’m glad for that because when I have too much time, I tend to sit and think about what I don’t have.
What I do have is much more important. Who I have in my life right now is what really matters, not some old memories of people who chose not to stay or I chose to push away. Today is what matters most. Not hoping for the future or condemning myself over the past.
Today is what matters most.
Today I am…healthy.
Today I am…intelligent.
Today I am….loved by my sons.
Today I am…doing creative work that I love.
Today I am…in communication with people that I know love me.
Today I am…a creative genius.
It’s really a wonderful day, no matter what the weatherman says…