When will you read this?

So, I don’t know what’s going on with blogger but it won’t let me publish anything so I have no idea when you’ll read this but I decided to go ahead and write anyway cuz if I don’t I’ll explode.

Remember my little chico friend? You know, the one who said those dreaded words, “I just want to be friends.” Well, he meant it. He really meant it.

After he said that I was unsure of what to expect cuz usually that phrase means, “I don’t want to have anything to do with you anymore.” But not with my lil chico. He really meant it. He still calls me everyday and comes to see me and tells me he thinks the world of me, only now, it’s weird cuz, he’s starting to treat me like I’m his big sister.

How I’ve gone from kissing in the car to giving him advice on life and dating is beyond me but on the real, I don’t mind. I mean, it bothered me at first when he told me a story about he and his friends going “hoe hunting” at the beach. (yeah, he really said that, he’s young, give him a break.) I’m thinking, “Should I be mad about this?” But then, it wasn’t like I was in love, more like lust actually. He’s a cutie with a soft curly afro and he’s Dominican which is ~sigh~ oh so lovely to me. Maybe God will use what could have been one hell bound relationship for His glory, you never know.

In fact, while chatting with a former foe turned friend, I realized that one of the reasons that I liked lil chico was because he reminded me of the man I believed was going to be my husband.

sidenote: For all of the new readers out there who haven’t trekked through my archives, it may be a good idea so I won’t have to retell stories. But, because I love you, here’s some background on me.

Once upon a time I was at a church that taught that you didn’t have to date to receive a mate. I received this teaching with my whole heart and mind. I just KNEW that my soulmate was going to appear and propose to me without ever even have taken me out on a date. If you want to read more about this check my BP page. I spelled it out clearly on there.

Eventually I believed that God had shown me who my husband was going to be and I was excited that even though I can be a bit wacko at times, someone was going to love me and accept me and adore me and my sons. So, as I was learning to hear from God, I really believed that God had clearly pointed him out. But since there was no dating involved in the teaching I was given, even though I thought we were soulmates, it seemed perfectly acceptable that he and I never spoke to each other. (Yeah, go ahead and laugh it seems funny to me now too.)

So, after almost a year and a half of this fantasy about this man, I move away to Miami and leave him behind. I was sad, thinking that I had left my husband, but in reality it was all in my head. I hadn’t heard from God at all. I guess it was just me.

But wow, you know it taught me something powerful. That you can miss God and be okay. I mean, it’s not like I proclaimed my love for him publicly. No one knew, okay, no one at my church knew about what I felt and I never told him. I honestly, truly, 100%, undoobatably felt in my heart that he was the one. But I was wrong. And that’s okay. It’s okay to be wrong sometimes.

Loving him in my mind kept me warm at night. When my baby daddy would act up and treat me like crap, I would think, “That’s okay cuz Golden Boy loves me and he wants to be with me, although he’s not supposed to show it right now.” It gave me comfort, even though it was fake, that I was good enough for someone to love and that someone would love me and my sons.

How do I feel about dating now?

Dating sucks. I don’t want to do it. I’m not in the mood for men and the games you have to play.

Don’t let him know you like him too early.

Don’t call him back everytime you get a missed call. Make him wait.

If you want him to respect you, make him wait for sex- but always keep another “friend” on the side in case of an emergency.

Make him chase you.

Get money. Get money. Get money. A nicca needs to pay for your time.

La, la, la.. I’m not listening. I’m not hearing those rules. I’m not playing that game. I hate games anyway. From Monopoly to poker to video games to pool- I hate them all, they bore me. So it’s no wonder why I can’t get down with this dating game mess.

Concerned Friend: But how will you ever get married if you don’t want to date?

Me: Who said I wanna get married?

How about a sista plans to live her life man-FREE! I can just enjoy my sons and write and teach and do all sorts of cool stuff. I can get my romantic fix through my friends- IF any of them ever get it together in the romance department. Come on ladies, you all know about my vicarious living!

Do I sound bitter? Maybe just a little, huh?

Maybe you’re right. I am bitter.

But what else can I do? I tried it the way my old church taught it- I didn’t date. I believed I heard from God. I was wrong.

I tried it the way I’ve seen it done for years- I met someone I liked, had lots of sex, had two kids. He left me.

I even gave it the old college try once again- I met someone new and I dated him (after so many years of not dating anyone) and what do I get? “Let’s be friends so I can tell you all about the girls I really like.”

Hmmm.. This is enough to make a sista flip it. I thought about it too. You know, being with a woman. Would I be happier? Would it work? The only thing I can’t get past is that whole sex thing. I mean, I never want to look at a coochie up close. Don’t want breasts against my chest either. I guess it won’t work then.

Oh well. This blog is not one where you came to read about man drama anyway. I realize that throughout my whole blog you won’t really read any dating-gone-bad stories until recently. And since you’ve come back anyway, there’s gotta be something else you like about my life. Sorry, but no soap opera about men up in here.

I’ll just share whatever is in my head. Good, bad and peculiar(read-ugly). As peculiar as my baby daddy’s girlfriend.

I know, I’m mean, but I won’t erase what I wrote cuz I don’t care.

Writing is like going to the bathroom. The urge builds up and then, You HAVE to do it, and once it’s done… ahhh sweet relief.

Now, I think I can go to sleep.

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