We’re Only Human

I can’t help it, my friends are a reflection of me.

These chicks are beautiful, brilliant, good hearted but LOOSE as hell!

I won’t identify the sources of these quotes but I will say, they are all TRUE and all came from the mouths of my closest friends.

~shakes head~

Here are some of the wildest things my friends have ever told me.

My Girl: So I just had this feeling right. Something inside me told me to drive down to the house he was building. It took me about 25 minutes to get there right and when I get there guess what I saw? He was sitting up in a car with this girl.

Me: How that hoe looked?

My Girl: Like a regular hoe.

Me: Mmm. I know that’s right. So what did you do?

My Girl: Girl….He got out acting like it wasn’t nothing saying she just gave him a ride because his truck was in the shop. So I said, “Why you ain’t ask ME for a ride?” Then he gave me some excuse.

Me: Did you leave?

My Girl: Hell no! I followed their car BACK to his cousin house and she left and I almost went upside his head with my water bottle! Tee! I almost lost it!

Me: Girl, you crazy!

My Girl: So you remember when voice messaging on yahoo messenger first came out right? Well, I didn’t know how to use it or anything but I kept seeing that I had messages so one day I checked the messages and it was this GIRL on there tombout, “What’s up this Ray Ray girlfriend. I seent your name in his phone. You can hit me back at chicalot.tie1@yahoo.com” and then she left her phone number.

Me: For real girl? What the hell did you do?

My Girl: Girl, I wasn’t even dealing with her dude so I called her back to tell her! And she answered and was telling me that he has a girlfriend and she lives with him and so on. I was like, “OK. I got a man I don’t want him.” And then she was slick rapping asking me questions like, “How often do you see him?”

So I said, “EVERY WEEK!”

So she said, “What kind of woman are you KNOWING this dude has a girlfriend and you still messing with him?”

So I said, “Bitch I will fuck him TONIGHT if you don’t stop talking shit!”

My Girl: Yeah girl, lemme tell you. You can’t throw your pearls to the pigs. When your friends don’t understand the dynamics of your relationship with God and the intimacy you share, ofcourse they won’t understand your right to ask God for exactly what you want your life to be like and the reasoning behind why you won’t settle.

Me: FOR REAL GIRL!

My Girl: Yeah girl…Cuz one day we’re gonna be riding in your private jet on the way have lunch lunch in Hawaii and we’ll pick up a few new purses on the way there!

Me: I believe it!

My Girl: Yeah girl, it’s gonna be Fendi and Louis Vuitton for life- In Jesus name!

My Girl: Yeah so people don’t believe me when I tell them I hear from God. When you hear from God you gotta know it for yourself. And I would have never received my blessing if I hadn’t married him.

Me: Umm…But he left you.

My Girl: Yeah but…there’s a blessing in that I promise you. I know you can’t see it now…

My Girl: So yeah this was one of my regulars. You know when I really need a fix I call him. So I called him late one night and told him, “Go take a shower. I’m coming over. Meet me at the door wearing just your towel.”

Me: Did he do it?

My Girl: Hell yeah! When I got there he answered the door smiling and I could see he was hard through the towel.

Me: oh shit.

My Girl: So I tapped his d** and said, “Now get your ass in the room!”

My Girl: So I was fired up after I went through his emails and saw that mess. So girl.. I couldn’t help it. I went over to his complex, pulled out my knife and I slashed his tires.

Me: NO YOU DIDN’T!

My Girl: Yes I did girl. The next day he came to me asking me if I did it and I told him No. And then I said, “Hmm..That must be karma. What have you been up to?”

My Girl: This bitch at work has been looking for another job for longer than I have. So when I told her about my job offers and she just rolled her eyes. I didn’t care. How about the next day she came to me and asked me if I had seen the new houses that were being built near Lincoln Road and I said no. Then she proceeds to tell me about her plans to buy a new house.

I was like, “Bitch, your’e a BITER! What….You admire me?!”

********bonus********

So I was in Atlanta during my loose stage and I was getting it with this fine ass dude who knew what he was doing! ~shakes head~ Lord, send a revival. In the midst of our bump and grind I stopped and turned around, looked him right in the eye with a mean face, threatening to pull away if he didn’t say it.

“Tell me I’m a star!” I demanded.

His eyelids fluttered but he responded quickly, “Fuck a regular star, you’re a SUPERSTAR!”