Last night was so wild… My ability to go through a situation, analyze it and break it up to figure out HOW I can help others through it is uncanny.
SO last night I was talking to Tamara and she was going off about the bad choices she made in life and how her kids have to suffer for it. As she spoke I was trying to break her negative perspective but she wasn’t having it. She was passionate, angry and screaming into the phone at me. After a little while I had to say, “Tamara, you’re spiraling.”
“How?” she asked in a calm tone.
“You went from one negative topic to another and now you’re going deep in it and honestly, I understand your need to vent but it’s beginning to affect me and my energy and I can’t go down that road tonight.”
She calmed down. “Let’s change it,” she said.
I honestly didn’t know how. So I talked about my next eBook and she gave me a great idea and as I flushed out what I envisioned it to be…I was kinda excited about it. But once we hung up…the old negative energy came back. I spent the entire night in torment, embraced by depression, negative thoughts and suicidal thoughts. I had not experienced a night like this in a while. I remembered them. They used to come so frequently and then I tricked myself into believing that everything happens for my good.
So the situations that occurred only led me to joy. But for some reason…last night…I was drawn into the pit of pity and self destructive thinking…
I called the suicide hotline and spoke with a counselor. The conversation was strange as he used reflecting as I explained my issue. It upset me. I wanted him to speak WORDS of encouragement! I wanted him to say something besides repeating back what I was saying! It was annoying as hell. He did manage to tell me that he thought I could benefit from developing a relationship with a counselor. I agreed.
After I hung up I still couldn’t sleep and I realized that the comforting words that I needed to hear I have already said…on my own youtube channel. That’s really what I wanted to hear from a counselor. “This isn’t permanent. This is a temporary situation. It gets better. This is just the dramatic part. Your story goes on past this.”
Damn… and as far as the suicidal thoughts telling me that what I provide right now through my creative work only being valuable once I die…well…I’m still not sure how to deal with that. If I was a Christian I would say its the devil and demons but I’m not sure I believe in demons anymore. Last night was no fun at all. I hope that shit doesnt happen again anytime soon.
I’m looking forward to a new direction. I would love to just…be surprised by a great opportunity which whisks me away from here and into my career as a journalist and coach. If not..I wouldn’t mind finding a new job that PAYS in the counseling field and just…finishing up my last year of grad school… but then I would STILL want to go back to my career as a journalist. ~sigh~
But…I’ll take whatever comes cuz…I’ve learned not to be attached to any one outcome. We create misery when we demand that life be a certain way instead of embracing the magic surprises along the way.