I know that the world is against me and that I don’t belong here. Yet, I still try to make the best of my time while I am alive.
Somehow I got must have got sentenced to time on earth for something I did wrong and I have to endure it.
I pulled the trigger today. Well, the trigger pulled itself. I blamed Sylvia, because she was on the phone with me but really, it was no one’s fault.
I have this problem and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t trust anyone. I don’t believe that my presence makes any difference in anyone’s life. My value to my sons is, I make them laugh. Beyond that, I don’t know.
When my trigger pulls itself, there’s no turning back. I have to DO something. I have to do an ACT immediately to relieve myself or the tormenting thoughts won’t go away. They sound like ME except they are a reminder of every way I am a failure and every way I have been hurt and they point the finger at whoever is near whispering, “Get rid of them, they’re going to do it too.”
So I listen. I cut people off. I compare them to those who have hurt me in the past. I see the similarities. I feel the same vibe. I know what’s coming and that warning feeling tells me that I have to get them away from me, for my own good and for theirs.
That’s why I hate it when people are attracted to me. It’s so stupid, this physical case I call a body draws them to me every day. They THINK I am someone I’m not because of how I look. They think they want to be friends. They think they want to know me. They think they want to marry me- all because I’d look good in their facebook pictures.
But I’m not that chick. I’m not somebody you want to be around when the trigger goes off. I treasure my friends because they KNOW how to handle me, it hurts them I’m sure, but they KNOW my heart so they don’t get offended, they don’t run away. They KNOW me. They KNOW my mood swings and they know my heart so they PUSH through the emotional tirades because they know I’m coming back down soon.
And when I do come down, like now, I feel bad. But then again I feel good because the person who imagined they wanted me in their life now sees the fullness of who I am and they can move on, disappointed but still hopeful about their romantic future. Another crazy one- why are all the beautiful women crazy?
I don’t- fit in anywhere. No one GETS me. But because of this I’ve spent years and years studying human interactions and thought patterns to understand myself better and I can help you understand yourself. While I can’t seem to change who I am, I can tell exactly what it is that triggers me.
My head hurts. I have a lot of work to do. I know it seems like I don’t do shit, but I do. I’m always organizing something behind the scenes and always trying to help someone but when the trigger is pulled I have to STOP- look around- and FIRE someone (push them away) so they won’t continue to be hurt by me or I guess, I won’t be hurt when they get to know the REAL me and be disappointed because I am not normal and I can’t function in this world the way the average person does and I don’t care to.
My trigger was pulled today and I picked myself up by listening to songs from my youth and remembering back to those days when I was still so hopeful about life and love and opportunities. I don’t really give a fuck anymore about any of it. I’m just trying to save women from feeling this disconnection from the world that I feel everyday. I don’t matter much, it’s over for me, but I can be a silent ghost, protecting women the way I always wished I could have been protected- loving women the way I wish I had been loved- and assisting them in the way that I wish I had been assisted.
My trigger was pulled today and when it FIRED it hit at least 3 people and hurt them in the same way I was hurting.
I would say I’m sorry but I’m not. Run. Go away. Find someone else to care about. It’s not gonna be me. I’m not that chick. Hurry up! Go!
I just want you to be happy.
But honestly, to overcome my trigger, all I need is someone strong enough to tell me NO when I try to push them away. I try to push Anna away all the time and she just says, “Yeah right.” So I have to keep talking to her because she won’t go away.
I’m not rude even though I try to be.