Spooky….
Tonight I dragged myself to campus to attend a lecture given by a best-selling author. I only mention that I had to drag myself because I was/am so tired from staying up so late working on my big project. I’m so krunk about writing this that I can hardly sleep and I get my best work done during the wee hours of the morning when there’s nothing to distract me.
I’m so glad I went to the lecture. He didn’t reveal much but what I got from his speech was to hang on and to write about what I love most. “I write for me,” he said referring to the fact that his crime thrillers are what he’s interested in most.
He also revealed that once he began to write full-time, he treated his writing like a full-time job, working from 9-6pm each night. He began each day by reviewing the work from the previous day and editing it JUST ONCE, and then continuing on from there free-writing until his brain drained for the day.
Wow. As I stood next to the table filled with his many novels, I felt chill. You know I’m not a novel writer (yet) and I’m not a published author (yet) but inside I FEEL like one.
I can see myself giving lectures and workshops and stuff. Maybe my old publisher was right, maybe I’m better suited for writing books than writing news. We’ll see, won’t we?
After the lecture I walked over to class and to my amazement no one was there. That makes TWO DAYS in a row that my classes have been canceled. Yay for me! I get to work more on my own project!
I also went to see my therapist today. I felt kind of like I was wasting his time because I didn’t have a crisis to discuss. When I told him how I was feeling he asked, “What’s the difference between the person you are now and the person you were when we first started these sessions?”
“Well, back then I was so angry with myself about not being where I wanted to be. I felt like a failure and I felt like I wasn’t going to do well in school because it was all so new to me. Now..I ain’t worried about grad school. Getting my first A let me know that I’ll be just fine. And…even though my situation hasn’t changed much since we started, I don’t feel like Im a failure. I’m doing well. I’m writing more. I’m using the techniques that you taught me and I’m not stressed about where I think I should be. I’m more about looking at things like this is a necessary part of the big picture.”
He smiled at me. “That’s what I like to hear.”
Another epiphany came to me as I drove back home. My guyfriend told me last night, “I feel like I can be myself around you. I feel like I don’t have to pretend to be anything or act like I’m something I’m not. It feels good to have someone to talk to like this.”
Everyone tells me that.
I used to think it was a great thing but now I’m starting to realize that this “openness” makes men think they don’t have to show me simple courtesies that they usually show a woman. They don’t have to be gentlemen or treat me like I’m tender and fragile. Men say anything around me and they talk any way that want and I don’t really care because I’m kind of vulgar too but…
Once I took this guy out as a favor for a friend and by the end of the night I wanted to punch him in his face, he was so disgusting to me. He actually said, “So what do I get?” as I dropped him off home.
“You get to get out of my car,” I told him.
“You ain’t gonna let me fuck?” he asked.
“Get out of my car!” I screamed.
Since then I’ve been trying to analyze why certain men act like this with me. What kind of signal am I sending out? It’s not like I dress slutty. I’m very conservative. It’s not like I tell any of them that I am attracted to them. I definitely wasn’t attracted to him. I didn’t flirt with him at all, even though the whole night he kept saying how kissable my lips were and how he thinks we’d be a good match for each other.
I kept thinking about my friend and how I was doing her a favor, trying to ignore him, making jokes about how he’d get some soon enough and he didn’t have to try to flirt with me.
Ughhh…
I swear…I hope I never see him again.
But there’s something that I need to do to try to change this. Maybe I should wait a while before I allow men to feel so comfortable around me. I don’t know.. It’s just…I want people to be who they are and I want to be able to be me too…So I allow that and..I don’t know.
I guess it works out for me because I get to see what assholes they are up front, instead of months later like most women…