I had one helluva semester and I’m still not finished. I’m up working on my last final which should have been the easiest one but for some reason, my mind can’t stay focused. I didn’t write about my biggest battle this semester because I felt like it was too much to even write about and I still won’t write about it but let me say it has drained me emotionally all year long.
What I’ve learned by going through this process is 1) Even when you feel like you were right and try to get restitution for being wronged, people are going to try to prove that YOU were the problem. 2) Even when you go hard for others in an effort to encourage them in their dreams, when you need their help, they won’t be there for you and you have to say yes to that, accepting everyone for their choices. 3) Sometimes fighting is the hardest thing. I now see why it’s so easy to accept things as they are.
I’m feeling all kinds of emotional, which is the perfect ingredient for this emotional ass blog I have.
Let’s see… I miss my sons. Like, they are so wonderful to me. Each week when I see them, they bring me so much joy. They let me cuddle them and rock them like infants. We dance together, make up songs and talk about different philosophical topics like evolution and life after death. I share with them what I learn about other people’s beliefs an I remind them that they can choose any belief they like as long as it helps them to live a happier life.
For me its necessary to teach them all of the lessons I am learning so late in life. So many things I wish my Mama had told me. They listen and they take heed. They are so smart. They are my pride and joys. Seriously…I still deal with my depression from time to time. It’s very rare since I’ve learned so many ways to switch my mindset about certain issues but from time to time I will get into this crazy ass mood and just wanna be alone and when I’m alone I meditate on all of the things that I could have been or I could have given to my children and I get upset with myself and condemn myself.
This is kind of the mood I’m in now. With everything with school, me wanting to move but I can’t…and then there’s DEEP who makes me want to cry because he’s so good at dealing with me and my mood swings. He says I have multiple personalities and some of them don’t like his personality. LOL!
Today I told him I need to take a break from him. I do this about twice a week but usually he doesnt let me walk away from him because he says I need to stop running away from my problems. Today he just said, “Do what you gotta do. I’m sick of this!”
I thanked him and hung up.
Last night we went to a showcase by one of our artist friends and afterwards I was driving him home and he said he left his key and suggested that we go back to my house to hang out. I was a little uneasy about that seeing as he’s CELIBATE and I FUCKABIT and I know he’s not attracted to me like that but I felt like I could keep my cool…but…man…It’s been months since I’ve had some affection and even longer since I’ve had affection from someone I actually LIKED.
But we came back to my house and talked and watched a movie that he chose and I didn’t like. And we fell asleep on my futon. And guess what? That *censored* didn’t even touch me the whole night!
I was so mad! Like.. I wanted to strangle him. Like, how do you sleep under the covers with me and I’m wearing my booty shorts and you don’t even care. Man…I would say he’s gay but I don’t think so. He really made me mad because I really need a hug and I can’t stand the fact that he’s not trying to push up on me.
I take it as he finds me disgusting. And then that negative feeling multiplies and I get scared that if I allow our friendship to continue to grow, he’s going to get to know me better and be even more disgusted by me.
Just like my Baby Daddy.
Just like my Stepfather.
Just like all the men who I have allowed to get to know me in a non physical way. I don’t want that rejection so I had to reject him first. I mean, what is his problem anyway? I have a 1 week rule when it comes to friendships with men. After a week, I’ve fucked them and dismissed them. He won’t let me fuck him or dismiss him. He wants to be…friends an shit.
I don’t know what to do with that. It’s got me wishing that I never met his ass although I learn so much from him and have grown so much because I’ve known him. I wish he was a girl so I wouldn’t be attracted to him. Even if he was ugly, I’d probably still be attracted to him because I love his spirit.
Man…sometimes I wish I was different. I look ahead to my future and I wonder what the hell is gonna happen cuz I know nothing stays the same and I know I’ve been down to my worst- homeless, hungry and hopeless. I’m not afraid of that but I do have fears.
Last week I was on facebook and I wrote that I wasn’t getting married and I got all kinds of comments and messages from people saying I was being emotional and I was silly. I hate when people tell me what to do or what they expect. I feel like never getting married just to spite them. I don’t HAVE to get married to prove my worth to myself. Although I study love and relationships I have to admit, I really don’t believe that is the path for me.
What seems to be for me is…my ability to help others make their dreams come true. I am a whiz at encouraging others and helping them recognize their shine. I’ve said it before…I give that kind of love because it’s what I always wished I could receive for myself.
Blah…Blah…My girl just called me. Some FINE ASS man is waiting for her to show up. I swear…her dudes just keep getting finer and finer and he looks wayyy better than the last one and I thought that was impossible! DAYUM!