Sweet, Sweet Dreams

I guess you’ve become my late night confidante.

Don’t worry. I won’t get too crazy on you. But it is proven that after the sunset, I relax a little more than usual.

What’s on my mind?

Ummm…I’m glad I went to the doctor. My body feels so much better now. I needed this time to heal.

I’m grateful for my friends. Yo, seriously, if there were a best friends ever contest I’d have a whole team of women to nominate. I love the way they love me.

Tonight I was talking to Kim about her ex and I told her, “Regardless of your stank attitude, your spoiled nature, your gameplaying and nut crunching, I know you loved that man very well. You sat up there and worked with him through his insecurities. You tolerated his mood swings. You hacked away at his heart and got him to trust you. You loved him. You were so patient with him. Girl…To him I bet you’ll always be an angel and he thinks you’re too good for him.”

But then I noticed a pattern. All of Kim’s ex boyfriends have treated her as if she was the keys to a brand new mercedes. People are naturally stunned by her. She shines. But then again, all of her boyfriends have fallen by the wayside for one reason or another, but every last one of them wanted to marry her.

This is the longest she’s been single- ever. Even when we first met as teens she was in a long term, serious relationship. I remember one time I was messing with her about how she knows how to hold on to a man and she said, “Girl, the funny thing is, I don’t even do anything. I don’t try to make it work, it just does. I just have fun.”

How did I get to this part of the story?

I don’t know. Anyway. I feel like I’m in my prime. I’m going to be 28 this summer. 28. Kim turned 28 last week and Tamara is next in April. Old ladies.

I have this persona that I wear when I am out among men. I realize that I fake it too. If any of these men were to actually try to talk to me I would freak out. The idea of physical or emotional intimacy with a man makes me gag. Men still scare me. Damn.. When I just re read that sentence it made me think, “Damn she sounds like a straight up lesbian.”

Let’s clear that up. I’m not. I’m not even bi. I guess right now I’m not hetero either so I’m nothing.

We’ll see how long that lasts.

One on one conversations with them cause my heart to ache but I can handle groups because I just aim and shoot as they attack. How are there gonna be 8 guys in a room, and almost every one of them takes a turn trying to get your number. All in front of each other? I don’t get that. I just ignore those comments.

Today I went to the barber shop. Not the same one I went to the first time, he did a good job, but I wanted to see if someone else could do better. I tried another barber in the same neighborhood.

So you know I walk in all bold and just confident. I walk up to the barber and describe my haircut and ask him if he thinks he can do it.

I’m flipping through magazines and I’m asking everyone questions as if I come in there everyday. They ask me what I do and I reply with a sly smile, “World adventurer!”

They laugh. ~rolls eyes~

I sit and entertain them until my haircut is done then I leave, thankfully with no one hanging on my car, following me out to get my number. I was blocking the whole night. Shooting them down. I don’t want to talk to none of ya’ll. I’m not into that right now. Yeah brotha…you fine.

But I’m not interested in that right now. I know I came in here all captivating, but it was just to add a little spice to your day. And it’s fun for me too. Brings some life into mundane situations. It’s just another interesting experience with a crazy girl. Why not just enjoy the memory of the experience? Everything shouldn’t be…duplicated. Let’s be daring and see if we run into each other again. Don’t push. I’ll ask for your number if I want it.

But no thanks. I’m still healing. It would be great to have someone to rub my booty a lil bit but I think it would be better to have someone who cares about me instead of some random one night stand.

I have to make some changes. I can’t keep dancing in this same circle. I regressed and acted like I was 18 with a pussy pass, handing it out to everyone. Get a little freedom and go buck wild. Now it’s time to get some control over myself. The type of success I envision will only come through discipline. I need more of it.

I’m going to challenge myself daily just to keep my creative juices flowing. I want to develop good habits. I think that I will go a step further and pledge to try to somehow, replace all of my bad habits with good ones.

Starting with…smoking. Naw…Yeah… Naw…Not yet….Yeah. Damn. Naw… Not yet…. We’ll think of another one.

Anyway…my 4 year old son had his Black History Month program tonite. I wish I could have been there.

Maybe I’ll start with: replace negative thoughts immediately with positive ones. Damn…that’s going to be a challenge. Let’s see if I can handle a whole day without freaking out or cussing at someone or assuming someone is out to hurt me.

Oh Lord…that’s a bigger task than I even thought.

Excuse me…um… Oh Lord. I can handle that! I’m ready to grow!

And God… Could you give my sons a hug for me tonight? Make their sleep extra sweet and their dreams of me giving them all the love they need. Take care of them.