Still Warming Up

I don’t know why I like this city so much when I still feel so invisible here.

I know people see me. I can see them stare…but still there’s no real connection. Tamara says it’s because I don’t want to make a connection with anyone.

“Tee, you make friends wherever you go. You don’t have any friends yet because you don’t WANT friends yet,” she told me on the phone yesterday.

I stopped short. I hate it when she does that to me.

She may be right.

I’m still looking around and getting a feel for people. Maybe it’s my fear that I will meet someone I like and they will dissappoint me like Kia did, and like Young CEO did, and like JB did. When I became friends with them I thought we’d be friends for life and imagine my surprise when months after falling in love with them, we no longer even speak to each other.

That old saying, “People are either in your life for a reason, season or lifetime,” may be true. In fact, I know it is and I embrace that now. I’ve learned not to blame myself for losing friends or for people not being true to me. Knowing each one of those people contributed to my life in a positive way and although I miss each one of them, I recognize that every man (or woman) that comes into my life is a link in the chain toward my greater good.

Damn…. I spend so much time alone. So much time to fantasize and strategize and analyze everything. I still wonder why I am in Dallas at this job. While I never envision myself working for someone else’s company indefinitely, I hope that while I am here, that I contribute remarkably to their efforts and I will always be a supporter of their mission.

My co worker that i mentioned before who is just as sweet as icecream and fun to be around, told me that I needed to go out and hang and explore the city more. ~yawn~ I’d rather explore the restaurants.

I wonder if this “I’d rather be by myself” phase I’m in is some sort of funk or defense mechanism. I haven’t really given anyone at work a chance to be my friend because the people I have had conversations with, well… my spirit doesn’t gel with theirs.

You know I can sense something a bit off in people when I meet them and I stay AWAY from people when I sense that. I sometimes wonder if I’m cut out for corporate America. Remember I’m not interested in the social political games that must be played. I’m not fake, I can’t smile and then run and criticize you the next minute. I’m not trying to be up in anyone’s business because I don’t care.

I don’t know man… This job is a perfect fit for my skill set, but it may not be the ideal place for me. It’s crazy living a life with no fear. I don’t fear being fired at all. And it’s not because I know I’m the shit, it’s because everytime I have gotten fired, I have found a much better job!

Getting fired from this job would be GREAT! It would only mean I was moving on to the next level. But I don’t think I have to think about that for now… I guess they like my contributions, and if there are some that don’t, it doesn’t matter because they aren’t in a position to hire or fire me so they don’t matter anyway.

I’m reading Kanye’s Mama’s book. Her publicist sent it to me. I am going to interview her over the phone tomorrow afternoon and I threw away my list of questions because I don’t want to do an interview like I did with John Legend. I want to have a conversation with her. I hope she is open to that. I pray that things turn out well.

Next week almost the entire office will be gone on THE CRUISE. The people who aren’t going are excited because they said that the office is so quiet when everyone is away. Since I share an office with two other people my office is never really quiet. I can usually tune them out when I’m trying to organize but most times I enjoy their conversations with their friends and their music…unless I’m trying to create the vision for a project…then I NEED QUIET. I don’t wanna hear no extraneous crap. I’m trying to create. If you want brilliance I need certain conditions. I’m so frustrated that I haven’t come up with the vision for one of my projects yet. Everytime I get started thinking someone comes in and I lose my train of thought. Damn!

I miss my friends. I miss my kids.

Everyone is steadily moving on with their lives without me just as I am moving on with my life…alone. I wonder if all of this will be worth it in the end. If it’s not I’ll just drop it and start again, never resting until I find satisfaction.

Man…I got the best email from a reader today. I promise…those emails energize me. It’s good to see that some people understand where I am in my life without offering their criticism or instruction. Some people just…celebrate me.

Lord, I’m grateful that my internet connection is turned on in my house. I’m grateful for cable too but there are so many channels that I just turn the TV off because I don’t like to surf TV like that. I’m seriously believeing for the money to pay the bill when it comes- LOL!- But it is nice to hear a voice besides mine when I’m in the house, even if it is Al Bundy’s.