Sometimes…

I don’t know if this is worth it.

But I don’t know any other way to make it.

Growing up I was so smart, so talented..so personable..so friendly. Then the real world hit and I fell into a pit.

They say the type of dream I have..has a lofty price. I’m paying it right now. And I’m paying it double. My kids are paying for it too.

I’m finally out of corporate america. I hope never to return. Whatever it is that ya’ll have in you to succeed in that type of atmosphere is not in me. It’s just not… While I regain my spiritual connection…which was lost in translation somehow…I ask you to refrain from chastising me when you gotta know that for me to give up a steady check, BENEFITS and a chance to do what I LOVE to do..something must have been misaligned.

Thinking on it, I felt the peace leave me weeks ago. But instead of leaving with it, I stayed and tried to adjust. I hung on hording my satisfaction like manna from heaven, until the time changed and it turned into maggots and began to overwhelm me.

Always follow your peace. And when it goes out the door, you should go too. In any relationship, if you’re embracing someone and they are not embracing you back, don’t blame the other person for the pain. It’s you. You’re abusing yourself by continuing to hold on to them.

So as I left I turned around and blessed them all. Taking 3 steps back and looking at the whole picture. What do they produce? A radio show that brings laughter and fun to millions. A foundation that helps so many people receive the education that will empower them to prosper. Fun events that allow our people to celebrate themselves for once, forgetting about the worries of the world. This company produces MAGIC. I can’t hate on that. I just…wasn’t cut out for that type of giving.

So now I sit… I freaked out a bit, allowing myself the opportunity to cry and whine and throw a pity party about why everytime I work for someone else’s company, I get the same results.

And then I got up, wiped my tears and started planning. I’m not leaving Dallas just yet. I like it here and that’s really weird but..I believe there’s a reason for me being here outside of that job I had.

The hardest part of this all is knowing I have no choice in the matter. If I “give up”, what do I have to give up and run to? I have no home. What do I say to my boys when I see them and I have no home for them to come to? I’ve already lied to them. Remember I told them I was going away to Georgia to “check it out” and that I’d be back for them.

But things didn’t work out in Georgia. And things didn’t work out in Houston either. Now I’m here in Dallas and I’m not sure if they are even waiting for me to come back anymore. I pray that they will forgive me because none of this was in the plans.

My profile on that Enneagram thing says that 4’s are always waiting for someone to rescue them. Ain’t that the truth, Ruth! That would be soo nice right now…

But back to my reality. I’m on the hunt for a job. Not a profession, cuz I realize with my work ethic, no company will embrace me. EVERY boss that I’ve had, with the exception of the publisher in Houston and the publisher in Miami, have all chastised me for doing too much.

All the while I’m thinking, “I can’t wait to be working for myself so no one will be counting the hours I put in.”

Where’s my breakthrough? Is it coming?

Tamara doesn’t doubt me.

Ruby said to me, “You always make the right decision.”

Kim says, “By divine right, what is yours will be yours!”

In all sincerity, if the Lord grants me the fulfillment of my dreams, my mission is to make sure that I can connect as many people with their dreams as I can. Since no one (with influence & resources) sees fit to believe in me and support me as I give my gift, I HAVE to make it easier for others.

And I ask my sons for forgiveness for carrying this burden with me. May the generations that come behind them have a much easier load to bear.

Mama does love you…And she’s doing this..so she can take good care of you..Just like I always promised.