As usual, I’ve been weighing the complexities of life such as…
Why can’t I commit to one job?
When I look at the people around me who have done this, I don’t see anything that I want. They still are worried about money, looking for more satisfaction and annoyed by their co workers.
I just read an article that talked about fear of obligation and I asked myself, “Do I fear being obligated?” I don’t think so. I think I fear being stuck in a situation that I’m not happy with just to bring in some bread.
Why do all of my jobs last on average, 45 days? Usually, after a month I already know if I can see myself being successful there and the last 15 days are spent praying and conjuring up the courage to leave.
I think 2 weeks into my arrangement with Donovan I knew that I didn’t want to do it anymore. Not that I’m incapable of handling the responsibility or even that I didn’t enjoy what I did. It just didn’t…feel right. It didn’t feel good to me. I hadn’t gotten to the point where I was waking up dreading my responsibilities, but i was dreading hearing his sexy ass voice on the phone and trying to act like it didn’t fuel my masterbation fantasies every evening.
Walking away from a situation that doesn’t make me feel appreciated is an easy thing for me but for most people it is the most difficult thing to do. They may feel that they won’t ever find what they are truly looking for so they just hang on to what they have, but I don’t feel like that.
I know my worth and my value as an employee. I know what gifts I bring to the table in any organization. If I feel that my gifts aren’t valued, it’s time for me to go. WHy continue to give your heart to people who don’t give a damn? I don’t understand why people do that.
Now I sit in a place that is oh so familiar to me, a place where I have no idea what is about to happen but I’m expecting something great. Everything always works out for my good and I am a true seeker of peace of mind so I will continue to have it. As a matter of fact, I haven’t worried about anything in a long time. Well, I worried that Donovan wouldn’t be able to reach his goals without my help but then I realized that if he really wants this, he will achieve it anyway. His success is not my responsibility. No one’s success is my responsibility but it feels like it is.
Man, I’m so introspective but what else can you be when the majority of time is spent alone? I enjoy my time alone but I enjoy being with my kids more. If only we could do all the things I have in my heart to do- travel, learn, grow.
One day we’ll be together and when it happens it will be marvelous. We’ll explore together and grow together. Sometimes I don’t think I “get” them because they do things I have no idea why like physically fight each other. I have to ask them, “What’s up with this aggression?” I don’t know. I have one sister and one brother and we never physicaly fought. We were all in our own little worlds, completely oblivious of each other’s journey.
I may not be the most socially acceptable person due to my wayward thinking and rejection of conventional lifestyles but..shit, I don’t care. I’m not trying to prove myself to anyone anyway. I’m just trying to find a place to give my gift of inspiration.
And it’s coming… Hopefully soon.