My life is a miracle.
My boys came back from a vacation with their Dad. They had all sorts of stories to tell about the cabin they stayed in, the cousins they played with and the fun they had in the mountains.
As we sat in bed, holding each other and talking..I felt so good.
Later when it was time for dinner and it didn’t come out right…I had to go buy some food from the soul food place, feeling ashamed.
As I sat their plates down on the table and they thanked me for dinner…I felt so good.
I’ve been having a lot of “feel good” moments lately. It’s not like anything has changed during these past 3 months. When this year first started I was so depressed, all I could see were the gaping holes in my life. I was so focused on what was missing that I couldn’t appreciate what was there.
Things have changed. I no longer feel like a little lost child. I feel like a woman who was brave enough to take risks that many would never dare try and I’ve grown as a person because of them.
The other night I was in bed and on my way to sleep when my thoughts turned to criticisms of myself. Before I knew it, there was this inner voice that said:
But you’re more good than bad.
You’re more strong than weak.
You’re more beautiful than flawed.
You’re more talented than unsuccessful.
Your kids love you, regardless.
You have more friends than enemies.
As the list rattled on, I found myself smiling with my eyes closed. What a different view of the world that I have now that I look at things through the eyes of gratitude.
Even in my writing, I’ve noticed a change. Sometimes when I’m trying to type out a thought, it will be followed by a BUT…you know, those BUT’s that negate the celebratory thing you’re trying to say.
I’ve erased those BUT’s from my vocabulary lately.
And today..as I sat back and thought about how much work I have to do as the semester draws to a close. Two papers due on the same day, a presentation next week, one the week after, a revision of my first paper and I still need to make enough money to pay my bills for next month so I gotta keep hustling…
I sat back and just..relaxed….
Everything comes in time….
Remember how good I felt when I moved into my place after a year of living with Mama when I first moved back to Miami? It took a WHOLE YEAR of bouncing around from job to job until I found one I liked.
I look at my sons sleeping in my room and I can’t believe how big they are. With every breath they take, I feel proud because I had everything to do with them being here on earth. I chose life for them and I’m glad.
I don’t know where all this peace is coming from but I do hope it is here to stay. I’m not frazzled by demands anymore. I’m not moved by appearances and circumstances.
I really feel like..All is well… Isn’t it?
In the blink of an eye, in a flash of light, in a cloud of smoke, things could change for me. But it’s the fact that right here, right now, I’m okay with how things are that amazes me.
I find the beauty in me, even when I need a pedi so bad that I’m slicing my socks with my toenails. I don’t know man…
I feel good. And I don’t have any of the BIG material things that I have been praying for/manifesting. I really feel like they’re on the way.
I feel good…and I know that people would probably look at me and feel sad for me.
I feel good…and I don’t have a man next to me, or even anyone special who cares about me that I could spend time with.
I feel good…and I have not completed the million or so tasks that I have to complete over the next few weeks.
I feel good…and I’m not even the superstar author and journalist that I’ve always dreamt I would be.
I feel great…knowing that somewhere, somehow, my divine opportunity to use my gift is making its way toward me.
I am grateful that my sons have the father that they do. Through all the craziness and all the drama, if I had to go through it again, I’d still choose him, I’d still lose myself in the relationship, I’d still feel the pain of having him walk away. I’d do it all again. Every tear, every year, every harsh word, every sleepless night. I’d do it again..just to have this moment with them.
I saw a lady in a wheelchair on Friday. I am so grateful to be able to walk.
I saw a woman with kids on the bus stop. I am so grateful to have a nice car.
I saw a homeless person under the bridge. I am so grateful to have a home and food.
I saw a biography of a famous journalist. I am so glad that I have taken the first few steps that took her toward her celebrated career.
I saw an author’s bio and I made one for my (future) self.
I have great friends and I imagine us celebrating many successes together.
I just…feel good.
And there’s nothing I can do about it even though I’m so used to feeling sad and wanting more…
I have a feeling that..Everything is going to be alright.
And it will be.