My life is a miracle.
I just got home from Human Growth & Development class. We’re studying the physiological and psychological development of humans from conception to death. Right now we’re up to adolescence so tonight’s class was filled with personal stories from everyone about things like peer pressure, fighting in school and getting your period.
I’ve never really had a fight in school, I was way too scared to do it. Once in 4th grade, these girls were trying to lure me into the bathroom to fight me. They were the new girls in school and since I had been the head honcho from 2nd and 3rd grades they had to beat me up to prove they were now running things.
Guess what I did?
I ran my ass straight home! I wasn’t about to fight them! They were wayy bigger than I was and mean looking and rowdy. I let them take over the class and I assumed my role as the teachers pet.
Also in 4th grade I was on the playground near the monkey bars when my supposed “bestfriend” yelled out my telephone number in front of all the boys. I was scared as hell! If any boys called my house, I KNEW I would get into trouble. I walked up to Yolanda and punched her in the face. She started crying. That was my only fight.
In 6th grade one of my closest friends Meka got mad at me for some reason. She walked up to me, pounded her fist and mouthed the words THREE O’CLOCK. Meka was like 5’5″ at that time and I was barely 4 1/2 feet tall.
AFter school she was waiting for me and she walked up to me. “Meka,” I said calmly. “Look how little I am. We can’t fight. It won’t be fair. We’re supposed to be friends.” She calmed down and said, “You’re right. I’m mad at you though.” We walked home together and had frozen cups.
The next time I almost got into a fight was in middle school. I had a “serious” boyfriend for about 6 weeks and he broke up with me to go with this really mannish chick. I was hurt but I got over it. But for some reason, the chick started to hate me. I never said anything to her at all and I didn’t know what was going on when she sent her friend to tell me that she would be waiting for me after school.
Shit! I was in a panic. Before the school bell rang I spotted my friend Jann. Jann was tough, equally as mannish and tall as hell. I explained the situation and Jann said, “Let’s go.”
We walked out of the school together and I saw the mean girls looking at me. Jann grimaced and yelled out, “Ain’t NOBODY FUCKING WITH TEE TODAY!” She walked me all the way home too. They never bothered with me after that.
Whew!
Man…I had an interesting conversation with Tamara last night. I mentioned it to my therapist when I saw him today.
“I met a man last weekend,” I told him. “But he’s really young and doesn’t have his life together yet but he treats me so good and really makes me smile. When I told my bestfriend about it she said ‘Tee, you shouldn’t judge people by what they have, you should judge them by their heart.'”
When she said that I was blowed. Wait…you mean I shouldn’t decide which men I love by their resume and credentials? If that’s so..then…
“Yeah Tee,” Tamara said. “Maybe that’s why you’re so hard on yourself. You’re judging yourself by what you HAVE rather than the kind of person you are.”
That statement made me pause and I felt as though the lights came on…
If I don’t judge myself by what I have or by where I think I should be professionally then…Damn…I’m a really good person.
A really good person.
A really great person.
We talked about my Catch 22 of my promise to my sons that I would have a home for them and knowing that right now, it’s best for them to be with their dad. My therapist led me to realize that I’m building my worth by the quickness in which I accomplish my goals. He also made a statement that made me cry.
“You’re judging yourself as worthless because you don’t have your sons with you.”
Damn…Damn…Damn…
My therapist ended our session by giving me some homework. I am supposed to write a paragraph about why I am so great. Nothing in the paragraph should be related to any outside achievements.
On the subject of my anxiety I learned that, I become anxious when I’m meeting people because I’m afraid they will ask me about myself and I’m ashamed of my circumstances so I feel that I don’t have anything good to say about myself.
We talked about ways that I can manage my schoolwork and have more income but none of them seem appealing to me. I’m in a tough spot because all I can see is me getting a full-time job so that I can afford the high ass rent here. But then I’d have to give up my career as a journalist so that I can focus on school, Especially if I want to have my sons with me. But I need to keep my journalism up to speed because my plan is to use this degree I’m earning to add value to my writing and I want to stay connected to the field.
I don’t know what to do.
I’m also supposed to practice these breathing excercises he taught me.
“What does this have to do with my anxiety?” I asked him.
“Once you learn how to do this breathing technique, when you find yourself anxious you can do it. It’s physically impossible to be anxious and do this breathing. The excercise will override the anxiety.”
On the way back to my car I rode the campus trolley and chatted with the driver. He had me cracking up talking about how this campus should be painted with a big giant rainbow because “there are so many of us here.”
Us? Ohhh..he means gays. I laughed and laughed. He thinks I’m gay…
I’m over that. I know I’m not gay but it’s cool to be accepted by both sexual orientations. I guess that makes me more…versatile.
I’m proud of myself because I’m learning so much valuable information about who I am and I am not afraid to dig deep and cleanse my spirit.