She’s a BITCH

I was being bitchy today.

Usually when I am being bratty it’s because something is bothering me and today was no exception.

For the past few weeks I knew that this day would come and I dreaded it like Biology final exams.

Today was my Director’s Holiday party at her house.

Shocked? Disappointed?

Well, don’t be. Your worst fear may be dieing or falling down the stairs but mine is being stuck in a social environment with people and we have nothing to talk about. That is the WORST!!!

Sure, my co-workers are all sweet and kind people it’s just I haven’t taken the time or the given the effort to get to know them beyond our work environment. They all are friends with each other. They borrow cars, sporting equipment, call each other on the weekend and everything but you know I’m not a part of that loop.

And I don’t want to be. Is something wrong with that? Why do I feel so guilty?

I have no desire to make friends with the people in my work place.

I am cordial as their assistant. I do whatever they ask of me in a timely manner and I will even go beyond just to make their lives a little easier, but when I’m off work, I don’t want to be bothered.

It’s not just my co-workers. I’m like that in a lot of different areas. I don’t know any of my neighbors names. Well, except David because his mail keeps coming into my box, but otherwise I smile, say Hi and walk in the door. I don’t want them knocking at my door unannounced asking for sugar or bread or to see what’s going on. I want my space. I won’t bother you, please don’t bother me.

Usually when I talk to people our conversations are either about goals, dreams, issues or sex. I don’t see myself talking to my co-workers about those things because:

1) They are all older and have accomplished their goals and are well into their careers and I don’t want to seem like the doofus who is always asking career building questions.

2) They are White and I hate to show my vulnerable/less than perfect side to White people. They already see that I’m a single Mom and they know I’m in court battling my Baby Daddy because I have to leave every so often to meet with an attorney who ends up NOT taking my case because I have no money for a retainer. Stereotypes, stereotypes… I’m a freakin statistic. That is not cute.

Plus, you can learn a lot about a person by watching how they talk about others.

You KNOW how I am. If I’m feeling funny about a person I will just talk to them about it. I don’t whisper behind backs and try to convince my friends to feel the same way I do. I can’t be in the gossip circle because I think people who spread unflattering rumors about others are extremely childish. If you want to say something about someone else, build them up. ~shrugs~ Why not? When you tear someone down in vicious gossip, you look like an ass.

So instead of sitting and sipping wine with my co-workers I fabricated a story about my son being sick to avoid the social obligation.

And my heart has been sick ever since. I hate to lie.

I do like them, But I like being by myself more. I’m used to it. I feel NORMAL when I’m alone. I don’t need a million party invitations or friends stopping by. In fact, I rarely have company and I’m content with that. Besides, I’m never really ALONE. Hell, I have two kids! If that’s not enough company I don’t know what is!

When they go to bed I just wanna take off my bra, clean up the mess in the kitchen (if I feel like it) and just chill.

I remember once I was trying to explain to an old friend from church that I liked being by myself and she said, “Are you depressed?”

No, I’m not depressed, I’m just over the part of my life where I felt like I had to be the center of attention and admired by others. I don’t think of myself as particularly sexy or pretty (sike!) but I get dressed up and socialize so infrequently that when I do it, it’s a big deal and that makes my life more exciting.

When I go out, I’m not the life of the party. I’m the chick with a drink in her hand standing to the side– just peepin. Then if the music is good I’m the chick on the dance floor dancing all by herself all night.

A friend of mine told me, “You just like to be bothered on your own terms. You’ve been that way forever. You like to control the depth of your relationships.”

Yada, yada, yada. I’m just being mean by not going. These people reach out to me all the time but I just can’t bring myself to accept their friendship. I don’t trust them. I hate this feeling of always putting up a wall so that others can’t get through to hurt me. That’s what I do, especially with White people.

I am so standoffish until I feel like it’s safe to open up.

I guess that means I’ll holla at you when I’m in the mood.

Ewww… That’s not too nice.

But damn. That’s just me.