You know why I love what I’m learning in this program? It helps me to redirect the thoughts I’ve had about myself.
My professor mentioned that therapy is not a science it’s an art and because of that we will all develop our own unique style of approaching problems with out clients. But, he said that the choice of school we attend will greatly affect our counseling style.
Our school’s approach to marriage and family therapy is solution focused, non-confrontational and laid back. We don’t focus on the problem or the negative emotions, we focus on creating better circumstances and unique outcomes that will give us a clue on how the problem can be solved.
In my own life, I love to use absolutes.
I always meet the wrong men.
I never understand math.
I can’t succeed at any job I have.
If I saw a therapist who was educated at my school, the first question they would ask is, “Were there any times when you met a nice guy?” “Was there ever a time when you got the math problem right?” “Can you remember a time when you felt successful at work?”
Since nothing is absolute, the client will have to remember an incident where she experienced the opposite of what she believes to be true. Through exploring that opposite experience, she can analyze why it was a positive experience and what she and others did to create it. Then she can try to recreate those scenarios with the understanding that if it happened once, it can happen again.
Same with me.
I read a marvelous statement in one of my hand-outs. It was a synopsis of Milton Erickson’s theory of Self Fulfilling prophecy. Have you heard of that before? It basically means that whatever we expect to happen, will happen.
Another pyschologist named Merton (1957) elaborated on Erickson’s theory by saying, “the tragic and often vicious circle of the self-fulfilling prophecy can be broken by abandoning the initial definition of the situation which set the circle in motion in the girst place.”
In my case: Meeting men = being rejected
Merton says when one predicts an event, the EXPECTATION of the event changes their behavior in such a way that makes the event more likely to happen.
Think about it. When I go out and I expect that everyone is going to hate me, I’ll probably sulk in the corner and be rude to people who come my way. The reaction I get from being that way will be disgusting looks and being ignored. I can then go home and say, “I KNEW IT! Everyone hates me!”
But if I go out and I say to myself, “I’m going to meet so many handsome men tonight,” I’ll probably walk in with a gleam in my eye which will attract all the handsome men due to my confidence. I can STILL go home and say, “I KNEW IT! Everyone there loved me!”
Whatever you expect to happen, WILL HAPPEN. And it’s not because of who you are, it’s because your behaviour made it so. In everything we do, we hold a belief, and with that belief, subconciously, we are searching for clues to validate that belief, whether it’s negative or positive.
Look at that dude on American Idol tonight; the 17-year old kid. In his intro video before he sang his song, he kept saying over and over how he didn’t know the song, that it was hard and that he was very, very nervous. When he came out to sing, he messed up so many times. He predicted it and it came true!
I know it’s hard to change the expectation for certain situations because the negative memories of those experiences seem to outnumber the positive ones, but if you try, you can change your expectation by focusing on that one time the circumstance didn’t turn out in a bad way. And if you can’t remember a time when things went smoothly, then use your imagination to create a hapy scenario. Focus on that daydream all the way through the event and watch how differently things turn out.