Yes, I’m on a search. A search for peace and love. Not romatic love just that love that knows no boundaries. That love that withstands issues and fears. That love that looks past mistakes and bad habits.
I’m beginning my job search and I am nervous. I have asked God to lay it all out if it is in His will for me to move but I can not fathom that He would want me to stay here with no support and no pleasure. Like I said before, my church is great, but my church is only a small part of my life.
I dont know what is about to happen. Honestly, I’m scared. I’m uncertain. I know where I want to be in life but I dont know how I will get there. Right now I’d settle for a little pleasure and being around people who actually enjoy my company.
I’m hopeful because I can see all the good that will come out of this move. Yes, I know family is never perfect and being home will just be a different kind of stress, but you can’t remain stagnant forever.
But what about spiritual growth? Will this move be good for my spiritual life? Right now I dont see how. There are only a few friends in Miami who are saved and they live extremely busy lives. But just like I found a good church here I can find another one. I’m tired of feeling like my salvation is tied to my attendance at my church.
Do I trust myself to still serve God in a different atmosphere, with much more freedom? Is my relationship with God based on the fact that there isn’t much else to do? Up here there’s no trouble to get into. No men to snare me. No temptations. It’s safe and its easy and I always know that I’m pleasing God because I dont do anything but sit up in my apartment and talk on the phone. Nothing too risque.
I feel like I’m a different person than I was the last time I lived there and through my growth I have grown past a lot of things. Yeah, i’ll admit it, I was a hoe. Undercover as ever but still promiscuous nonetheless. I think I still have some hoeish tendencies in me that remain dormant while I am here under the tight constraints of my church covering.
Sex is not a struggle for me. I dont struggle everyday, but every once in a while I just want to get beat down. Excuse me if that was too harsh but it’s how I feel. Most times I’m not bold enough to go do it, but there’s always the rare slip-up.
I’m not a club person but i like to get dressed up and walk around looking cute. I dont know.
All I know is I can not conform to what my Pastor wants me to feel. It will have to come from my own heart. So far, I’ve been doing everything out of obedience to him and not my own desire. Am I doing things just to please Him? Yes. Do I think this honors God? I dont know.
God said He will never leave me nor forsake me. And I dont plan to walk away from Him either. SO i have to trust that my heart will line up with His and I will be EXCITED about His will for my life. If He wants me to stay here, away from all the people that love me, then He has to change my situation and make it so I have some love here.
Who wants to go through life feeling like they are unloved and unappreciated?Everyone wants to be loved.
Ruby is going through the same situation I am. She’s about to move to Atlanta. Check out her journey as she searches for MORE…
MissBeauty