I thought I had a hedonistic attitude about life so I don’t understand where the emotionally charged tendency to hurt myself comes into play.
I absolutely love to send out powerful positive energy toward my friend’s lives and goals. I absolutely love to imagine the best possible circumstances and visualize their brightest futures. I do the same for my sons and my family and for the most part, I do imagine myself experiencing some kind of liberation financially some day yet, when it comes to love and relationships, it seems like I get some kind of high from imagining the worst.
I don’t understand how to break out of this. Today I caught myself doing three times. Like, I’ll literally sit there and think so hard with so much emotion about how much everyone who “likes” ends up hating me. I’ll think about it so hard that my energy changes and I’ll shake my head as I count over and over again how I say no to people who think they like me because really, they just like my TALENT or my BEAUTY and I know if they got to be around me and actually experienced what its like to have me as a part of their lives they would walk away as fast as they could.
In reality I am just manifesting more of this, but why? Why do I want this to continue to happen? Why does this feel so good to me that when men or women become interested I shoo them away? I’m trying to prove myself right. Or maybe I don’t want to end up like my friends, sitting up waiting for some man to treat me right. Or maybe I think something is so wrong with me that something must be wrong with the person if they like me.
Actually, on paper, I’m pretty hot. And thinking of it, in a dress and heels, I’m also pretty hot. The ONLY catch is, I’m like, mentally ill in a lot of ways and I’m a “crazy genius” as one person described me and I love so hard you’d suffocate under it. And I have bad breath. Other than that, I think I’m cool.
It’s not like i want people to feel sorry for me. You’re so beautiful. How could this be? Well, it is.
I met a guy the other day who said he was a 27 year old virgin. I had to hold myself back from volunteering to love him. “So you mean, in your whole life, no one has ever loved you?” I asked him.
He shook his head.
“No one has ever even liked you?”
He shook his head.
My heart sank. I bet I could like him and treat him well and show him that he is loveable and worthy and a good person.
but that’s what I always do. I try to love those who have never been loved and they end up being very mean to me (ex: my BBDD). I have to stop doing that. But really I do it because, I wish someone would decide to love me one day.
I’m not a BAD person. I’m not all good, I make my mistakes stupidly but the mistakes I make generally are about me trying to show someone that they can be loved and trying to be the one to love them back to health.
I’m like a doormat for men and women who have never had a girlfriend or who are in emotional pain. I’ll lie there and be whatever they want me to be- let them have me- so they can feel better.
Then I walk away feeling numb because I got no satisfaction out of it at all.
Anyway, I’m glad I got to write that down, it relieves me to talk about it, even over the net.