Safer

Wow. after writing that I already feel better…

I’m wondering if….my anxiety is caused by developing relationships. Once I feel like people are getting to know me too well…I get scared and pull away. I don’t want anyone to get to know my idiosyncracies like DEEP did. He was way too close and I got hurt in the process. I won’t let that happen again.

I just changed my number AGAIN but I just wanted to be free of all the people I’ve been dating… I want to let that go and find a new path in life…. I’m not…interested in trying to be with someone romantically. It’s not like…a priority on my to-do list anymore. It’s more like a burden because if I care what my social circle thinks then marriage or serious partnership is a measure of success.

I don’t want to define my success in life by whether or not I find a partner…. My ability to maintain a romantic relationship shouldn’t define me…should it?

like…why am I so much more calm when I’m not dating or sleeping with anyone? Why am i able to focus on my positive thinking and creative goals more? I hate who I am when I start talking to someone. i become suspicious and paranoid and I end up sabotaging the relationship because it feels so much better and safer to be alone…