So here I am, at 4am still up. Ugh. I hate this. It’s not that I hate staying up through the night, it’s more that I am so tired but I can’t sleep. Last night, err, yesterday morning- whatever- I worked all night and then when I got home around 6:30am, I didn’t fall asleep until well after noon. I had to get right back up at 4 to go to work. That’s why I hate the mixed shifts during the week. I’m seriously hoping for a set schedule so I can get better rest.
So tonight I’m up and I’m writing because dammit- I can’t seem to shake this desire for new friends. I just want to meet someone who is not confused about life. But I can’t imagine it happening because I don’t ever give anyone new a chance and they tend to get very upset with me. But not as upset as I am at the fact that I don’t have people to have peaceful exchanges with.
Why don’t I make new friends, talk to people and open up about what’s happening in my life? First of all, my blog is my outlet and I don’t like telling stories that I’ve already written about. Secondly, I just don’t value people’s opinions that much. I’m not going to talk just to talk. For what? I don’t complain to people who can’t do anything about it. A whole conversation- Thirty minutes of complaining for entertainment- I’m over it. I really want someone who loves to learn and to grow.
I have considered that maybe it’s not in the cards for me. I won’t put any effort into making new friends and I don’t really accept the advances of others so maybe I’m meant to be alone with my studies. It’s just, I feel like no one understands that this world isn’t that serious. People get so caught up in things that they feel they should have control over and when they see that they don’t they get agitated and share their agitation with everyone who will listen. I’m tired of dodging those bullets.
I’m no longer furious about life. I don’t know if it’s a good thing that all of my passion went away. Stay or go, I don’t care. Love me or hate me, I don’t care. Be nice or rude, I don’t care. Yes or no, I don’t care.
I just don’t CARE much anymore.
This feels like FREEDOM to me. Not to be tied down by the pressures of life and the demands that we put on ourselves to be who we believe we are capable of being.
Not caring makes me feel free-
yet-
There’s no one to “not care” with me.
That would be way more fun. You know what I’m saying? In all this freedom it would be way more fun if I knew someone understood, not on a superficial, judgemental level but on a intimate personal level.
To know this type of freedom means nothing can control you.
Do you get that?
I wish you did.