I’m sick.
Body aching all over. Coughing up nasty stuff and coughing. I look like Celie by the head and I feel like somebody beat me up.
All afternoon I’ve been “resting” also known as surfing the net and reading up on authors, their influences and their success. I’ve been trying to find a way to watch Fight Club online but none of the links I’ve found work. Damn!
I just want to see that scene again…the one where Robert Paulson is killed and all the drones chant his name…to me that scene was saying “In death you finally have an identity” I almost fell out!
I don’t think he was psycho…I think he was aware. Tyler Durden. Wow. Brad Pitt was sexy in that movie. Especially how he dealt with the guy…no yelling or screaming just verbal commands that were immediately obeyed.
I’d let him boss me around too.
Still looking. Still trying to examine the many theories of thought and choose one or make one up that serves me. It’s so amazing to me how we can choose to believe anything we want to about anything. And our beliefs shape our experience. I could choose to believe that men’s penis’ have razor blades in them. ANd I’d never have secks because I wouldn’t want to be hurt.
I can choose to believe that sheep have the secret to life and inner peace and start praying to them.
I could even choose to believe that death is a continuation of life, kinda like the 2nd course in a meal…or more like the 3rd course, the first course would be the time spent in the womb.
We can choose to believe ANYTHING!
Now…why would I choose some shit that would have me being tortured during this phase of my existence or the next?
I feel kind of sorry for the men I meet. I met a man this week and I told him upfront that I am not interested in anything romantic with him. He still asked for my number. I gave it, but the first thing he did was text me, “Hey Sexy.”
Although I was tempted to curse him out for that, I didn’t. I texted him back: Pls don’t call me sexy. You don’t know me like that. It’s a turn off.
Ughh…Having a guy you’re not attracted to call you sexy is like having your old far sighted uncle call you sexy. Sooo…unsexy.
~shudders~
See..the reason I tell them upfront I don’t like them is because I don’t want them to start being attracted to me and get their feelings hurt. I know what I want and 99% of the time, I don’t want them. And even when it’s someone I think I want, it’s likely that he isn’t good for me anyway. So my logic is, don’t even start shit with any man in the first place. It’s not gonna work. They’re most assholes.
I have even pretended to be gay to push a guy away. I wear a ring on my left rign finger. I am mean. I am demanding and annoying. I am selfish. I do ALL THAT SHIT to make them not like me and most often it doesn’t work.
I tried other tactics like….giving them what they want- pretending to like them. That works most of the time. For some reason when a guy sees that you want him (like when I lie and say I want a relationship) he backs off. Then I’m releived.
Cuz I’m so so so so afraid of the day that a man will say, “I want you.” And mean it. I am an EXPERT at pushing them away, have no idea how to maintain.
Anyway…I know I don’t like this guy. I hope his feelings don’t get involved. I have warned him.
I’m tired. So tired. Been studying and trying to understand and create a great belief system for myself.
It’s hard making up your own beliefs. It woulda been easier to just…accept someone elses. But then again…it wasn’t for me, so now I’m at this point- trying to create my own.