Share My World

Dear God.

Please help me to be on my best behavior this Wednesday as I go to meet these people who may help me with my project. I admit I am not a social person so I do not know how to shoot the breeze or win people over with my personality.

And I’m scared I am going to be too gruff or too– ME that they will be turned off.

Why do people you just meet send you a friend request on facebook? I just met you 2 hours ago. Why do you want to be my friend already? Who are you? I don’t even remember you. That really annoys me. I hate that shit.

And when people SEE you on facebook on your phone or at school and they never SPOKE to you but they send you a friend request. FOR WHAT?

I hate that shit.

See what I mean? I am not friendly.

I don’t know how to change that.

So its Monday afternoon and I was on the phone trying to get donations for give-aways for my site. I called Walmart and they said that I had to be an official non profit to accept donations so I went to the website and found the forms then it said I had to have at least 3 directors at all times so I was like, “Who is going to be a director of my company? Who do I trust like that?”

Then I called Mimi to ask if she’d do it. She said Yes. Now I can’t decide who will be the other director.

So I called the Homeless shelter to speak with the owner and he said he can teach me how to set myself up to accept donations but in the meantime I can use his foundation’s tax ID and they will write me a check once I get my own foundation set up.

See! This is exactly the reason why I never wanted to start my own publication. For years ppl have been telling me, “You should have your own magazine.” But I knew I didn’t want to deal with the business side, I am a creative.

THIS is the reason why I wanted to marry someone who was already a successful business person- so I could handle the creative side and they could handle the business. A team!

I guess I have to figure it out by myself.

Oh yeah. I’ve started blogging about my experiences with organizing this project on my website so I won’t be posting here about the process anymore. If you want to keep up with what I’m doing, you’ll need to visit the site.

Hope you’ll still join me.

I feel sick.

I just had an awakening after I read this quote:

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves – Carl Jung
I may just curl up and cry. I mean, I KNEW this and now I know how guilty I am. I am so angry and frustrated with my former friend because in her I see who I used to be and I hate that person so much I want to run away from it.

I hated being so weak minded and dependent on others and so hungry to be loved. That is why I am running away.

I am seeing myself and it is killing me because I don’t want to be like that anymore.

I thought it was about her. I thought this would benefit her more than me but it’s really my distaste for the lifestyle and thought process I was involved with while we were friends. I don’t want that life anymore!

I don’t want to talk about those things, be frustrated by those things and live out that type of relationship anymore.

I am annoyed with her because I am annoyed with MYSELF.

And I’m running away.

And I don’t ever want to go back.

Today was utterly mindblowing.

One phone I made turned into 3 presentations about my project and then tomorrow I will be doing another presentation in front of a league of pastors.

I am blown away that the church is interested in my project. I never considered that route. I am scared.

I had to do my presentations today and I ran right through them. They all looked shocked. I was so nervous but I spoke anyway.

I am blown away by the green lights.

Everyone is saying, “This is awesome. How can I support?”

When have you ever done something that EVERYONE was in agreement with?

I am absolutely blown away.

You should have SEEN me tonight!

I went out to a social games night after meeting this young lady on the street. The young lady owns an event planning firm and wanted me to come see her event. It was so good! I only stayed for an hour before my head started spinning and I needed to get out of there to be alone but it was a good start.

The food was good, the music was GREAT and there were all types of games to play. Now you KNOW I don’t like playing games because I am not competitive so I don’t care if I win. My thought process is- What do I win if I win? Nothing. So I don’t like to play. LOL

But I had fun. I played DOMINOES. I knew the rules already but I’m still counting the chips and matching them up but the people I was playing with were soooo much fun and super cool!

Like, I gave them my business cards and I do hope they will contact me to hang out again.

It would be nice to have some friends to hang out with sometimes. =)

Ok. So I’m all done with the editorial for tomorrow. My head has been spinning with planning the project so I didn’t get any writing done until today.

I’m learning so much at this point. The thing is, I know the site doesn’t look all that right now but you see how much it has grown. I want to make it better looking but for now the content is on point I think.

I love doing this everyday. I feel like a super powerful contributor to society.

LOL

I do question myself from time to time and that’s because I can’t question anyone else. There’s no one to ask, “Is this okay? Should I write about this?”

So I have to make the decision myself and be comfortable with the decisions I make. I also have to lead others in their writing and direct their editorial contributions. Sometimes I am nervous. you KNOW my personality. I am so not mainstream or conservative and it shows in the content I publish.

My only hope, really, is that I can cover enough topics to set people free from feeling shame about themselves or their choices and to guide others away from misery.

I want to help. I want to help myself first too.

I don’t know.

I don’t know. I’m trying my best and giving goodness to the world and this is the only way I know how to do it.

I had to turn on the air conditioner today because it is hella hot in South Florida. I was literally sweating. By the time the bill is deducted from my account I’ll be gone from here. My electric bill has been less than $20 for the past 4 months because I haven’t had to use the A/C. I can’t believe it and I’m kind of spoiled but oh well.

Tonight I’m going through my papers and things. I am going to get rid of most of my treasured memories because I can only store one box at my Mama’s house so all the letters and term papers must go.

I’m saying goodbye to my past. I don’t know what’s ahead. I am not afraid of failure but I’m still afraid of what’s to come. I feel grown. I do. I trust myself. Yet, I do wish I had a partner to bounce ideas off of and to be my anchor and to trust to be my support with everything.

I miss my sons. I haven’t seen them in 2 weeks. I won’t get them again until the weekend before my project begins, for one last hurrah before I drift into the unknown.

I had such a beautiful night last night.

No, I didn’t go anywhere. It’s just, there are no screens on the windows in my studio so at night when I don’t want to run the airconditioner I leave the windows opened and mosquitoes fly in and attack me all night.

Usually I have to hide completely under the covers in a little coccoon so that they can’t get me but last night when I turned on the A/C and closed the windows I felt like I was in heaven.

It felt like luxury to me even though my place is in the absolute worst shape it’s ever been in with me going through my things and throwing most of it away. I took out 4 trash bags of stuff last night and I still have two boxes to go. Anything that is not a picture or an award or a card is going in the garbage.

I threw away so much stuff and books I’ll never read again because I don’t like that fiction novel stuff anymore. I cried and cried and listened to It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye to Yesterday over and over again as I ripped up pictures and threw away old notes and research from grad school.

I can’t believe that shit is over. Man. I’m glad though. After that internship I knew I didn’t wanna work in that field. I would have been so depressed everyday working in an office with file cabinets and co workers who ask, “What are you doing for lunch?” EVERY DAMN DAY. Why? Ugh.

Next I have to tackle my clothes. I already know what I’m taking with me so everything must go. I wore my blue dress last week and I still have some stuff I’ve never worn but oh well, some charity is going to be lucky.

Today I was so horny all day. All day I just wanted to have an orgasm. So I masturbated like, twice but still I wasn’t satisfied.

I rolled my eyes and looked at my phone knowing good and well there are no phone numbers in there and even if their were, the MEN attached to those penis’s aren’t worth the 15 second orgasm anyway.

I feel like a BEAST!

All I wanna do is get BEAT DOWN and then fall asleep.

I talk too much.

I’m scared.

No I’m not. I mean I am not afraid of failure. I’m not afraid of failing myself but I am afraid of failing others.

I just want this project to turn out right. I want to see women walk away feeling so good about themselves and empowered and I want them to always remember what I did.

Blah Blah.

I heard Kanye has a new girlfriend. I’m considering breaking up with him for that. I guess everybody needs love though. I hope it lasts for him.

By Rory Raye Here are some things we may think of as “friendly,” that are actually CHASING a man:Every woman should read this and take heed.

1. Calling him up. This includes calling him because you heard or read about something interesting, or because you knew there was a great band playing somewhere, or someone told you about some great event that you want to invite him to or – anything at all. This includes calling him to ask him why he hasn’t called you. This includes calling him to tell him you’re upset that you haven’t heard from him. This includes calling him to give him directions to your home or answering any question he hasn’t specifically asked, or giving him any information he hasn’t specifically asked for, or offering anything. This does NOT include: You’re having a problem or an emergency, and you can’t reach a friend or a relative, and you’ve been dating him long enough that he’s started “future-talking” about things he’d like to do with you and places he’d like to go with you, and you need his help. Don’t be afraid of appearing weak. If you need something — something of course that has nothing to do with the relationship — don’t be afraid to ask. This is what being a girl is all about. 2. E-mailing him, texting him, facebooking him, writing him, sending him a cute card, dropping by his house, dropping by his gym, calling up his friend, or in any way attempting to initiate some kind of contact. 3. Making suggestions, making plans and then inviting him to come and join you, offering to drive to him, offering to drive on the date, offering to put him up for the night on your couch, or in your bed… …Offering to cook for him, initiating sex, initiating affection (in any way other than smiling with an open heart and body), initiating the “talk” about “where the relationship is going,” getting anything having to do with the relationship “started”… …Creating a “special occasion,” sending him anything (pictures, mementos, ideas), thinking out loud to him about things you can do together, telling him about things you can do together, and creating things to do together… …Or, in any way, acting like the social director of the relationship. 4. Asking him how he “feels.” This includes, especially, asking him how he feels about “you,” or the “relationship.” These are things we do almost without even thinking about it. These are things that feel natural to us. It feels almost weird and unnatural to not do these things. It feels like we’re not being “nice.” It feels like we’re not being “friendly.” It feels like we’re going to lose him by not letting him know we’re “interested” in him. It feels like we’re just letting him slip through our fingers. AND, NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. Everything on this list is the same as putting a sign on your chest that says “Needy.” It smacks of desperation. And, it’s just plain not attractive to him. He may LIKE it. He may go along with it. He may be flattered. He may have no one else around and so he’ll date you. He may even come to like you very much. You may even end up in a relationship with him. But, you will never know how he really feels about you. As long as YOU’RE the one running the show, he may follow, but he’ll never feel inspired. And, you will never feel adored. This is the point where you will find yourself up late at night crying and wondering why he doesn’t want to commit. AMEN!!!!Bitch get yo mind right cuz we need to stop TRYING so hard to make a man feel something for us! If he ain’t feelin it, fuck’em! Dayum! Somebody got it right I am so OVER that bullshit I used to hear in my ear all the time trying to fuckin tell me to WORK HARDER, DO MORE, GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO LOVE YOU.
Fuck him! All of em!
He ain’t shit anyway.Penis ain’t gold.Damn!

I can’t sleep because, I don’t sleep.

I’m having this weird intuition about my children’s father and I haven’t told anyone about it. It’s not exactly positive it just feels like TRUTH, it’s something I think is going to happen in the future, near future, maybe not this year but soon. I don’t know. I can’t utter it aloud without feeling like I’d be the cause of it.

So I’m gonna let it go.

I was reading through some old Notes From The Universe and I came across one that made me cringe. See, when you first sign up for the Notes, they ask you to type in 3 things that you would like to happen. The first thing you type they use as an autofill to remind you to keep believing that it’s coming.

They don’t use it EVERYDAY but every once in a while it pops up and my heart just cringes because, I don’t believe it could happen. I see no way I could manage it and I can not believe I even put it in there.

But I have to NOT be afraid to dream, right?

So here it is, even with all the opposition from their father-

My biggest, wildest, most unbelievable dream is to one day have a spectacular home with my sons. I want them to live with me again.

I know it doesn’t seem like much to you, but to me, sitting here on my bed with a new business and no income from it yet and no car and no support system really, I can’t imagine that it could ever happen or what I could do to make it happen or IF I have the strength to be a full time mom again.

There.

I said it.

Out loud.

That’s my dream.

My most treasured one.

I want it, but I want to be a GOOD Mom, who has time for her kids and patience.

I don’t know. Anything could happen, right? Right.